A More Beautiful You

I have heard this song so many times the past week...and every time it makes me cry. But then again, my emotions have been pretty off kilter lately so that's not saying much lol. Anyways, I think this might be one of my new favorites.

My favorite line is "He will take your dark distorted view and with His light He will show you truth and again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl."



"A More Beautiful You" - Jonny Diaz
Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn't straight her body isn't fake
And she's always felt overweight

Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are

[Chorus]
There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

Little girl twenty-one the things that you've already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you've got a man but he's got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead

Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there's a man whose love is true
And he'll treat you like the jewel you are

[chorus]

So turn around you're not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It's not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who's strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl
[chorus]

Phobia

So I realize that I haven't posted anything in quite some time. It's been a mix of not knowing what to say, being worried about saying the wrong thing or sounding stupid, and lack of motivation/antisocial-ness. Mostly the latter one.

I have this strange phobia of checking email/facebook etc. I think it has a lot to do with a fear of rejection as weird as that sounds. I have this fear that if I check my email/facebook then there might be something awful there and if I reply to a wall post or message I'll say something dumb and the other person's reaction will be, "Wow, you suck at life. You are the most useless person and the biggest screw-up on the entire planet. I hate you."

Anyways, I will try to update a little more often lol. I also posted a few entries I saved as drafts (I never ended up posting them because I thought they were too personal). Maybe this can be my own mini-exposure exercise (The best treatment for phobias is to expose the person to the thing that they are afraid of, and that helps to lessen the fear response that is elicited).

Phobia - (from the Greek: φόβος, phóbos, fear or morbid fear)the sensation of extreme fear when it is not justified by the presence of any real danger or threat, or by any rational cause, and when it is accompanied by a systematic avoidance of the situations that lead to it. (http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/bb/neuro/neuro02/web3/mwhite.html)

At least I know that I am not completely crazy. There is research out there that there is brain evidence for phobias. [Researchers are] finding that the amygdala--a small, almond-shaped structure in the middle of the brain's temporal lobes--is a key player, and that malfunctions of the amygdala and associated brain structures may give rise to many phobias. Still, researchers have yet to work out the details of how this happens. (http://www.apa.org/monitor/julaug05/figuring.html)

The amygdala is one of the key players in emotion regulation, especially fear. So this information isn't totally surprising to me.

IP

I'm supposed to be studying for my lab exam tomorrow but I can't because I can't stop crying.

It feels like everything is falling apart right now.

I'm supposed to be going inpatient right after the semester ends. I know in my head that I need this. I have tried to get things back on track by myself and it hasn't worked. I feel like such a letdown and a failure.

And I can't get myself to tell my family. I talk to my mom every night, and she always asks how I am doing. It's so much easier to say I am doing fine. Especially when she tells me how proud she is that I am not getting so stressed out and I am doing so well. I guess she doesn't notice how much weight I have lost.

My boyfriend has though. And I really want to do this for him...I really wish it worked that way. I am really lucky that he is so supportive. My biggest fear is him leaving me like other people have because I am too sick or can't get everything together. I know he isn't going to and he understands how hard this is for me, but I still feel like a huge failure for not just doing what I need to do.

My nutritionist really put it bluntly for me last week. I am going to gain weight, either on my own or in the hospital. It sucks knowing this and it should make the decision that much easier. I even convinced myself for a week or so that I could do this and just start eating again.

I just want everything to be normal.

I feel like I'm not 'sick enough' to be in the hospital because my weight is definitely much higher than it has been in the past. I'm not emaciated anymore. But I know that I am not well enough to keep going the way I am going right now.

Ugh this sucks. I am supposed to be starting research with one of my professors right after the semester ends. We are going to be meeting weekly. This is such an amazing opportunity for me, and I know I won't have this opportunity again.

My professor for my trauma class is writing a rebuttal article against some people who are trying to get DID banned from the DSM-V. Which is, frankly, rediculous. So I am going to be helping out with a meta-analysis.

I cannot even begin to express how excited I am to be able to be a part of this. This is directly related to what I want to do with my career (pharmaceutical research to improve treatment for trauma/dissociative disorders). And I know (or at least hope) that my background in chemistry/biology can definitely bring something useful to the table, considering I am just one class away from a BS in Chemistry.

Augh. I just need to believe that God has a plan that is greater than what I can imagine right now and even if I can't find Him right now, he is there and isn't going to leave me.

Well the good thing about this depressing entry is that I am feeling calmer and I think I can get some studying done so I don't fail.

Silence

These lyrics really capture how I am feeling right now.

Jars of Clay - "Silence"
Take, Take 'til there's nothing
Nothing to turn to
Nothing when you get through
Won't you break,
Scatter pieces of all I've been
Bowing to all I've been
Running to
Where are you?

Where are you?

Did you leave me unbreakable,
Leave me frozen, I've never felt so cold
I thought you were silent,
And I thought you left me
For the wreckage and the waste
On the empty beach of faith
Was it true?

Cuz I, I got a question
I got a question,
Where are you?

Scream,
Deeper I wanna scream
I want you to hear me
I want you to find me
Cause I, I want to believe
But all I pray is wrong
And all I claim is gone

And I, I got a question
I got a question
Where are you?

Yeah, yeah...
Well, I, I got a question
I got a question
Where are you?
Where are you?
Where are you?
Where are you?

Inverse relationship

My therapist wrote in my notes for my nutritionist to make specific food goals in our session.

Jill is not happy with me. She says that I need to have gained a significant amount of weight by next week (which is now this week) or I need to start doing a supplement. Ha. That's a good one. I have never done a supplement outside of the unit. I don't see her till next week though. She also brought up how my weight has been steadily going down and my symptoms have been steadily going up. Then she talks about how when I had an NG tube I was very ill and my symptoms were really bad (gee, really?).

I know I don't want to be where I was when I had an NG tube. It was not fun. To say the least. But I guess right now my motivation is kind of low and I don't really want to make goals that I'm not going to keep. I have been going to sessions and making all these great goals but I don't actually do any of them. Which kind of defeats the whole purpose.

The Little Things

As much as my job drives me crazy, it is the little things that really make working at CVS worthwhile. It seems like as soon as I have a chance to take a sip of my [now cold] coffee, a new influx of customers come in or there is some crisis to attend to. Then there are the angry and impatient customers that can really test my patience. I actually had a dream last night where I lost it and told off a customer at drive-thru lol. And then there is my perfectionism that always seems to whisper that if I make a mistake I will be fired.

But, like I said, it is the little things that really make everything worthwhile.

Yesterday, the lead tech thanked me for all my help and told me I was doing a really good job and learning pretty quickly. It really meant a lot to me. I requested not to work on Sundays because I usually am helping out with the youth at church and in the evening I have an APO meeting. So working yesterday afternoon meant I had to go straight from church to work (I usually go home to see my family and hang out for a little bit) and I had to miss initiation of the new pledges.

Some other things that make work worth it:
-When it is quiet and I get to just count pills for an extended period of time (I know, I am such a dork...I love counting pills).
-Learning the generic names for brand name drugs and vice-versa (I know...total nerd!)
-Being able to learn a new skill that makes me a more competent technician.
-When someone thanks me for helping after my shift is over.
-Having the opportunity to make small-talk and relate to customers
-On Valentines day, this really sweet couple who had been married for 54 years came in and I could just tell they were still in love.
-One time, I was talking to this cute but kind of socially awkward kid and was relating to him about his medication and he bought a Hershey's bar and told me to share it with everyone in the pharmacy because we were working hard and looked tired.
-Just talking to the other technicians and pharmacists about their lives.

I should be studying; therefore I have done everything except study

Ok, it's not quite that bad, but I have taken out the trash and recycling (which required three trips btw because either Neil or I tend to be the only ones who will do it), cleaned the counters and mopped the floors in my apartment.

Then I spent 15 minutes rewriting my schedule/drawing ducks on my dry-erase board. =]

In my defense however, I have gotten a lot of studying for A&P done. I think I have gone over all the different hormones so many times that I will dream about them (that is if I get any sleep tonight). Which is fine with me; after working all weekend I have been dreaming about filling scripts. I really wonder if that's a sign of something lol.

Anyways you can tell I am definitely not an artist. And I decided that I could use a little encouragement this week, hence the bible verse. If I can keep the motivation up, I would like to find a new one to write every week.

I already have Psalm 139:13-14 "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are WONDERFUL, I know that full well." [emphasis mine] written on a notecard and pinned to my wall; but something new to focus on each week I think would be pretty helpful.