A human being...not a human doing

So anyways, sometimes I seriously wonder why my therapist puts up with me lol. I feel like she must think that I'm bipolar at moments. Cuz some sessions I'll come in and be all "la de da de dah, life is great" and then the next session (I must be realllllllly unstable haha, I see her 2x a week [does the humor downplay just how insecure I feel about having to see a therapist?? lol]), just 3 days later, I'm a wreck and pretty much crying the whole time and she has to tell me the same things over and over.

But seriously, lots of times I feel like I'm just wasting her time, it seems as if we are rehashing the same things over and over...and over. Sometimes I just get so frustrated...it's like why can't I just get this right for crying out loud??

But she definitely told me something that I know perfectly well and have said myself plenty of times, but I had an 'aha' moment (dontcha just love those??) this time.

It's NOT about food. Like I said, I know this, but I have gotten so many times from so many people "Why don't you just eat? Food is nourishment. You aren't fat;" leading me to just dwell on the phsyical symptoms. So no wonder why I get annoyed, the concept that food is nourishment and without it, I die is so basic, I know this and understand this JUST FINE.

So the whole point of this tangential blog was she asked me a couple of rhetorical questions yesterday that really made me think and feel at least a little better. The first thing she asked was "Is your anorexia a way of making you feel more whole as a person, or is it a way to escape how empty you feel inside?" And then she asked "Is your eating disorder just like a purse, an accessory? Or is it the glue that holds your life together?"

But it's true. For five years (at least...) when I was dealing with stress or rejection (real or percieved) or criticism or other 'bad' feelings, I ran away in a sense. I didn't work through it. When I was worried about doing badly in school, stressed over a paper that I couldn't get started...I would shift my focus to my weight and food.

Don't worry about that stuff, focus on being thin. Anyone can be smart, but what if I fail anyway? What do I have? What if everyone I love abandons me? Who am I? What do I have? Don't think about that stuff, there isn't a concrete answer to these questions; can't control if you understand a concept and can't control other people's feelings. But weight...it's simple, measurable, controlable. Eat less, weigh less. If the number goes down, you are good, if it goes up, you are bad.

Ok, I'm done with my rant.