Lots of things

...Have happened since I last blogged. Some good, some bad and some downright weird! Anyways I am currently in the partial hospitalization program (PHP) at SP. 7 am to 7 pm every day. Blahhhhhhhh.

I would be inpatient, but my insurance hates me and decided that I don't need inpatient treatment because I'm 75% of my "goal weight" (state law requires a patient to be inpatient until they are 75% of their goal weight). I was trying to convince my doctor that I'm fine and don't need to gain weight because I am eating. But I signed a contract with a whole lot of mumbo-jumbo, but basically says if I ever come back, I have to stay until I am 85% of my goal weight. So I'm trying not to freak out. Especially since when I was admitted last March, I was 64% of my goal weight (which I can admit was way too thin).

The most annoying thing is it wasn't really even my eating that brought me back in, it was that my depression got a whole heck of a lot worse. I mean, I know the eating and the prospect of gaining weight was definitely a huge trigger for me and it is true that there are a lot of foods I don't eat. I guess my definition of eating well is 'not dying'...so as long as I am at least scraping by and can function, then I'm fine. So maybeee I have just a few distortions.

Anyways it has been an interesting couple of weeks to say the least. At least my life isn't dull. I guess thats a good thing, ya know? Hahaha. A lot of things had been building up for the past month or so and I finally cracked. So yeah, very long story, but one minute I'm in therapy and the next I'm at GBMC with my therapist and have been certified to the ER. Haha I have to be dramatic with everything, what would be the point of me doing the rational thing? Well I mean, things happen for a reason I suppose and whatever the result, I know that there are always going to be people who care about me and that God is sovereign through it all.

I know treatment is for the best. It's just really hard to be there. It's really hard not to compare myself to others and think that I am the biggest one there (which is definitely how I feel). And then I get pissed at Dr. C for laughing at me, but I know thats just because I have been a really difficult patient in the past. And hey, maybe some of the stuff I say is ridiculous. He's a good doctor. But you won't hear me saying that to him, lol.

This whole experience I know is giving me a little bit of time to just focus on me, which I have not been doing for the past semester. I kept myself so busy that I didn't have any time to think about me or my issues. I literally had to write down everything on my calendar or my hand or something becuase otherwise I would just forget. My short term memory definitely sucks. It's painful to look at me and my issues, because I always avoid them and run away from them. But I am learning new things about myself...

Ok, so on a different and lighter topic, life on the unit has been pretty good thus far except for all the tummy aches I have lol. I have had a lot of good conversations and its nice to just hang out with people. Though I am still trying to try and forget a really funny, but really really inappropriate conversation I hear yesterday...lol.

Eh well I gotta get going, I have the day off today and am going to be a bridesmaid for a friend's wedding, so I am going to get fitted!!