I hate being home for the holidays. I hate the noise, I hate the food, I hate the stress and the unspoken expectations, and I hate being reminded of the fact that I can't have the mom I really want and need right now.
I hate going home, period. My mom has 10 days off, starting Christmas Eve. She never expressly asks me to come home, but you can just tell with her tone she wants me to come home and stay the whole break. I love her, but I can only take her in small amounts.
Right now, I am just having a hard time with having too much time to think about things; so stuff I have been trying to block out for months are not staying blocked right now. But I can't (or won't) tell my mom if I am struggling in any way, food wise, mood wise, you name it.
I understand that she worries about me and I know she doesn't get it and thats okay, I don't expect her to. I have people who do understand me and give me amazing support. But she wants to be my main support and gets angry and upset when I don't tell her every little thing. And then I do open up say something and she explodes at me.
So I guess I should have told her months ago everything that I had wanted to tell her.
I just want my mom right now. And it really hurts.
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2 comments:
I'm really sorry your mom isn't there for you like you need her to be.
I get the stress of being home. . . I thought you were going to stay at your apartment? Can you find an excuse/reason for needing to go back there for a bit?
Meg,
I can definatly understand about your mom not being the mom you want and need....I feel the exact same way about my mom and have felt that way my whole life! I basically have excepted that she will never be the mom I need, but it dosen't make it any easier. Like you, I can only take my mom in small amounts, which is hard b/c I live in the same house!
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