Out of Nowhere

Have you ever had the experience where you have no idea you are upset until tears are running down your face?

Yeah. Thats sort of what happened to me today. I hate when these things sneak up on me. I was at Neil's though, so he just held me and told me that everything would be ok and that he loved me, and that made me feel a lot better. It's funny how such a simple thing like that gives me such comfort. I really am lucky =)

I'm pretty sure I know what triggered it though. Basically, I was planning on going to a friend's birthday party, but I didn't there was someone who was supposed to be coming that was involved (indirectly) with my trauma.

And I feel like a really crappy person even getting upset over something like that because she didn't technically do anything wrong. It's not even like I am mad at her. It shouldn't matter to me whether or not she is there. I just wish I didn't feel this way and things could feel normal again.

But every time my mind just goes back and it is happening all over. And I can hear her saying to me again, "Don't be upset, it happens to everyone."

Which means to me that what was taken from me was worthless.
...That I'm flawed.
...Dirty.
...Wrong.

Eh. I know that isn't true, and it isn't my fault. And I am sure I am being too emotional and making almost no sense. So I will shut up and try and get some sleep.

Anyways, I heard this new song by Sara Groves the other day. At first I didn't really like it, but I've decided that it is an awesome song.

It Might Be Hope

You do your work the best that you can
You put one foot in front of the other
Life comes in waves and makes it's demands
You hold on as well as your able

You've been here for a long long time

Hope has a way of turning it's face to you
Just when you least expect it
You walk in a room
You look out a window
And something there leaves you breathless
You say to yourself
It's been a while since I felt this
But it feels like it might be hope

It's hard to recall what blew out the flame
It's been dark since you can remember
You talk it all through to find it a name
As days go on by without number

You've been here for a long long time

Hope has a way of turning it's face to you
Just when you least expect it
You walk in a room
You look out a window
And something there leaves you breathless
You say to yourself
It's been a while since I felt this
But it feels like it might be hope