[edit] I reread this and I really don't want to come off as doing worse than I really am. I AM eating 3 meals consistently, and they are balanced and I have not skipped any meals [on purpose...i have slept through breakfast a couple times] since getting out of the hospital. And I'm not trying to sound like some emo kid. Yeah. That's all.
Aughhhhhhh. I hate asking for help. I feel like I am just whining about my own stupid problems and they aren't even that big of a deal, and I should just stop being a crybaby.
Actually I don't want to even post this because to me this screams "You messed up again!!" But I think this time I can say that that statement just isn't true. I hope.
So, by the title of the post...I really don't know what to do. And I don't want to pretend that I do or decide to be stubborn and not try and think outside of the box (...no pun intended...trust me, you'll see the pun in a moment).
My therapist wants me to think about going back inpatient over the break. For once this isn't "You have to go, or we are calling the police on you (that HAS happened...)", it's kind of I'm at a plateau and can't seem to get past it.
I don't know if going back on the unit will help, part of me feels like it won't, I've been there and been through all the groups, I KNOW this stuff. I can psycho-analyze ANYTHING, I can can do thought logs, behavior chains, blah de blah de blah as long as anyone pleases me to. I know more about my disorder than sooo many other people. I could teach the groups on the unit. Ask me a question, any question about CBT or carbohydrates or fats or WHATEVER...I know (most) of it. I have hundreds of worksheets I have done; I've saved them all. Worksheets with the complications of anorexia, ones with different self-soothing techniques, ones asking me to write down things that have happened to me in the past that may have contributed to my ED etc, etc, etc.
And I really don't think my insurance will cover another stay. They are sick of me. And I doubt they will give me coverage unless I am on the brink of death (wonderful wonderful health coverage).
Plus I really need to make money for tuition/books this winter. I am not even going to go into how much my account has been drained; it is a major source of stress for me.
And, I don't want to see Dr. C. I REALLY REALLY CANNOT STAND THAT MAN. But thats a whole other rant...
Ok...yeah. That isn't even the main reason why I feel so ambivalent. Those reasons are just grains or sands next to my real 'reason'. (Read: THE classic anorectic reason)
I. DON'T. WANT. TO. GAIN. WEIGHT.
I don't think I need to, even though I have been told that I do need to gain weight about 3495843895409587438957 times, give or take a few. And this just isn't "well I don't really want to do this"...this is I would rather slit my wrists than do this...I'd rather have a root canal without anesthesia.
But if I go, then I will have to. Like I will be required to gain 1/2 pound a day or I have to drink extra supplements (Ensure Plus), up to four a day. I don't want to even think about how many of those I have had to drink or sit with because I was refusing to drink them.
I feel like I am eating, I am functioning fine, so whats the problem? I can do x, y and z. And q. Blindfolded (well maybe not blindfolded...but still). Then why is every other therapy session with me totally freaking out over and over again over the same things and not making changes? Why do I have to be reminded over and over again things that should be so obvious. Why is it always 1 step forward, two steps back? Why do I keep my routine so OCDish and routined to the T and have to rationalize everything I eat?
My main thought is that I don't really need to go. I am following a pretty good meal plan, I am doing well in school, I'm not isolating myself, I have a social life for once. I have been able to do things I thought I could never do with friends (eat Chinese food...ice cream...a cookie from starbucks [not in the same sitting of course LOL]).
But when I'm not with friends, I have issues. I mean not nearly as bad, but yeah. Can you say symptom substitution? My depression has been off the charts lately...not all the time, but it isn't making things any easier...it's making things so much harder to do. A lot of times, I feel I am just lacking the motivation to face the day. I don't even know why. And then I get into a stressful situation, whether it be arriving late to something or not doing as well on a test or feeling really awkward in a social situation...I don't know how to deal. Or I do, but I don't cope well. I want to injure.
I was discharged from the hospital in the beginning of July. I have not gained a single pound. In fact I think I may have lost one or two. Which I guess isn't that much. But I was pretty much forced to sign a contract before being let back into outpatient treatment saying that I would get to 110 pounds in a certain amount of time. And the stupidest reason why I am so scared of that weight, is I have decided that 110 is a 'normal' weight, because that is the weight you have to be to donate blood. I told my T that, she laughed at me. Stupid black and white thinking.
That never happened. Partly because I had the brilliant idea to do something to make me weigh in up to 10 pounds heavier (not giving tips, sorry lol) every appointment I had, and I didn't get caught until someone said something to someone. So that cat was out of the bag, and I basically freaked and said if they made me go into the hospital I would stop treatment [and i hate to say it, but that would basically be signing my death warrant].
So here I am now. I haven't really gained, haven't really lost. And I know thats on purpose. Every time I gain any weight, I freak and restrict to make it go back down, but don't continue down that path because I know where it leads. But I am eating a LOT. Though my therapist doesn't agree. I know she really wants me to gain weight, and so do other people, but I just can't do it on my own. She said gaining weight will help my mood, but I don't see how it will.
But I can sort of realize that having a very very long debate with myself over whether or not I can have a yogurt that isn't fat free with my dinner isn't what 'normal' people do. Or is that normal?? I don't know anymore, it seems so natural. Goodness. I am so screwed up.
Ok, I really need to learn to condense my thoughts. I guess what I'm really asking is this:
-Do I look 'normal' or close to it? I SERIOUSLY don't know. Do I look as if I am at a normal weight? Or do I stick out like a sore thumb? (I'm not even going to say how much weight I've gained because it just makes me cry)
-Do you think I should do IP again? Or is it a waste. I'm not really that sick or anything, should I just suck it up?
Ok, I really hate being this transparent and vulnerable. This might find itself deleted quicker than you can say 'esophagogastroduodenoscopy'...
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6 comments:
Hey Meg ~ I just read your post, and I must say that is was a LOT to take in all at once... Being that I haven't really hung out with you since we were kids - I didn't know that you ever had an eating disorder. A few years ago I was admitted in an IP unit at Johns Hopkins - Meyer, 4th floor. It was a unit for people with affective disorders (AD) & people with eating disorders (ED). I was an AD patient, because I've delt with depression (not so well at times) pretty much my entire memorable life. I was often confused as an ED patient due to the fact that I'm uber skinny compared to a lot of people; I was repromanded for going into the kitchen area for a snack before they realized that I was AD and was totally allowed in there (lol)! Long story short - while I've never struggled with exactly the same problems that you're facing, I have been exposed to the disorders and the treatments employed to resolve them. I know that (at least at Hopkins) the ED IP program really sucks and I can totally understand why you would not want to go back...but if you want a serious answer to a serious problem, I think you may want to consider it. I think it is great that you're asking your friends for help - it shows strength and character. But you MUST also be strong in following through with your treatment. Eat the rest of the yogart. Then maybe an apple or something! I'm not saying that you need to go out and eat everything in sight because you're "too skinny," I know that is not at all what you want to hear - but at the same time I think that you need to take care of yourself. I understand not wanting to gain a LOT of weight - its a lot to take in all at once, but please consider a pound or two to start with. And SERIOUSLY (I know everyone says this, but I REALLY mean it) if you EVER wnat to talk about ANYTHING - call me. I promise that I will never be too busy to listen.
honestly? i don't know how well ip would do you. you have to be honest with yourself, are you willing to make the changes that ip wants you to? or will you go back to ed behavior as soon as you get out of treatment. i know i've always gone back to ed behavior fairly quickly after ip/php/iop so it was a waste of time and money. like you said, you know everything they do and you have memorized the groups. the only thing ip would do would give you structure--and if you feel like you need that, then by all means go back in for treatment. but if you're going to hate it and fight the system, then it would be pointless. when therapists suggest ip for me, i always refuse because i know i won't gain any weight they want me to and that's the biggest step. you have to want the ip for yourself because you want to change your life for the better. is that what you want? i love you darling.
I suggest that you do it.
You made the commitment to gain that weight. And you didnt.
Therefore you are holding up your end of the deal!
Also, if you can only get better from more treatment, why not do it?
I KNOW the unit is hell?
But honestly, maybe you need it.
I think that you have tricked me into thinking that you are doing amazing. When maybe this weekend showed that its not the truth??
..just my honest opinion.
love you,
nat
Meg,
As for not wanting to see Dr. C I hear you but if the oppertunity is given to you and not forced it give you the strength to reinforce the commitment you have started. Keep on with the progress. I believe you can
Hey there Megaleg-
Listen, I know that you feel like the most fucked up person in the world... but you aren't. I still have days like that. I had to go throuhg 7 years of therapy to feel close to normal. and I still ask myself how "normal I am" every day.
I wanted to tell you that you do look thin and it doesn't look "normal" or healthy, however I've learned to see you at that weight.
I think its important to tell you that alot of your brothers see that you are still really thin and we do all worry about you. I think that if your questioning weather or not to go into the hospital again...maybe you should. I had to go inpatient three times before I really took charge of my own recovery. If you don't like the doctor, maybe you can go to a different hospital...Taylor Manor, Hopkins or somewhere other then shep. pratt.
Regardless of what you decide please call me if you need help. I haven't suffered an ED to the extent that you have but I have been hopitalized for depression, mania and other wonderfull things.
I think that it would be improtant for you to take a break from the pressures of life and just consentrate on your recovery. I don't have all of the answers but I think to give up on treatment is a terrible idea. It should make you uncomfrotable. you should not feel comfortable with what your doing. Thats part of what its all about. But you do have to own your treatment. really want to get better and try to stop being comfortable with the ways you deal with your feelings. I'm not an expert. if you think that you can't get the money to pay for the program...there are ways to get it. APO can and will help you get some of the money if you need it, I'm sure. I commend you for asking for help.
-Patrice 410-353-0305 pwooda1@towson.edu
Meg,
I'm finally getting around to answering your myspace bulletin! I've been thinking about you for the past few days but I've been busy with my mother-in-law.
I've always had trouble w/depression in the winter/over the holidays. I don't know if I have SAD or if it's just the fact that my father died near Thanksgiving and the sadness always lingers. My mother-in-law probably won't live through the month so this year is going to suck as well.
Anyway, if your photos are any indication of your current weight, then I think you need to go I/P for a little while just to get you over the hump. I had to gain weight in stages as well and it took me several years. It was incredibly difficult. Trust me, I know how annoying Dr C can be but you need to do what you have to do to get healthy.
Anyway, let me know what you decide to do! I am praying for you to make the right decision.
xoxo
Happy Thanksgiving (a tough day!),
Ida
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