Update

Ok, well I decided that I should give an update on how things are going lately, just because I got so many replies on my last post. Which btw makes me feel happy.

So I think I have made a decision...I think I am going to 'bite the bullet' and go inpatient over winter break. I really don't want to. But the thought of this always being the way it is scares me almost as much as the idea of gaining weight. Which, according to a friend is good insight. All I can say is I guess it's about time that I finally have some of that. But yeah, I'm tired of running away from my problems and I need to learn that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Right??

Anyways a couple of people have brought up the option of residential treatment. At first I was like heck no I won't do that blah blah blah. And I might not. I probably won't. But I checked out this place called the Carolina House (http://www.carolinaeatingdisorders.com) and my insurance doesnt cover it; but maybe my doctor can convince them to. I dont know.

Residential treatment is similar to inpatient treatment, but it is a longer term stay. If I were to go to SP, I would be there anywhere from 10 days to 3 weeks most likely, not even talking about PHP (day program) or anything. Which would be nice, I'd be in and out pretty fast. I could even maybe still work.

But with that, I am stuck inside a hospital...nothing like the real world, I don't make my meals except for snack once a week and only portion out meals once a week at a 'theraputic lunch' we have. And another thing is I know the stuff we are told in groups, because I've been there before. And since it is so short term, the weight gain is really really rapid and thats really really scary and hard to deal with. And it feels as if we are punished (no shower, phone calls, visitors) if we don't gain the weight we are 'supposed' to and are sometimes even accused of doing something wrong (ie exercising, hiding food, etc). And I guess I understand the premise, but its not like when I get out if I dont gain weight I am not going to let myself shower. And the whole punishment thing kind of reinforces what I am most scared of, that "the number is the most important thing about you".

I know, I know, I should stop criticizing. They are doing the best they can and it is a good program and does work for a lot of people. And I am not saying it wont work for me. I know that no matter what, it comes down to me and doing what I need to do. But if I can do another program where I can really learn what my body needs and test the waters out for a longer period of time, then thats what I want to do.

At this place everyone is in a stable place and wants to get better. So I dont have to worry about patients being there that are refusing to eat and don't have motivation to get better.

So I don't even know whats gonna happen. There aren't any residential centers in MD so therefore nothing within my insurances network. So I dont have any benefits for this. And it would be around 45 days...and would be wayy more than I can afford. But my doctor is (hopefully) going to talk to my insurance company and see if they would consider covering it. So we'll see I guess. And I mean also, I don't really want to go to North Carolina...I want to stay here and spend time with people I love.

So I guess the point of the post, is just pray for me that I make the decision God wants me to make. Cuz right now I just feel like I'm not even sick enough to need treatment because I am so much of a better place than before.