Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Things suck right now.

I think that pretty much sums it up. It might come as a surprise to most that life hasn't exactly been peachy-keen; I have been feeling rather reluctant to admit to the fact that I am struggling. Maybe because admitting it means that it is real. Maybe I'm sick of letting people down. Maybe because I so desperately want to be 'normal' (whatever that is), to just be happy.

I could spend hours talking about how much better my life is and how much I have going for me right now. I have an AMAZING boyfriend who I know isn't going to leave me or give up on me like other people have when things got bad. I finally have the job that I really want, something that is immediately relevant to my future career plans. I have wonderful friends and family who care about me so much. But somehow, it doesn't seem to matter.

I tried doing IOP for 2 weeks. And I was for all intents and purposes kicked out because my symptoms were too severe to start off with and weren't getting any better, so they wanted me to do PHP. I declined and was discharged AMA. I refused to put my life on hold again to try a program that I didn't have the motivation for. Right now I am feeling completely and totally unwilling to gain weight, to get to my 'goal weight'.

I wanted to believe that the structure of classes and of work would compel me to get my act together and just start eating. I didn't want to tell people again that I screwed up and needed more help. I was scared that it would lead to me losing the job that I worked so hard to get and to admit to my co-workers that I do have limitations (and in my mind's eye, admitting that I am a complete failure).

Um yeah...not quite.

I haven't been to class in two days. Not because I am sick, but because I am tired, depressed and avoilitional. Unfortunately, skipping class and trying to hide under covers doesn't really help matters much. I tell myself that it's only one class, I can get the notes and catch up. But somehow it brings back memories of me deciding that I could learn Organic Chemistry by myself and I didn't really need to go to lecture. Not my brightest or most rational decision.

So I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place.

My PTSDish sx have been sucking as well as the ED sx. Maybe because I am taking a class entitled 'Trauma Through the Lifespan' =P. And I know to some people it might sound like I am trying to set myself up, but it wasn't intended that way. In my own distorted and weird mind, I was hoping that by learning how to help others who have been through traumatic life events, I could somehow learn how to heal myself. I didn't even think of the possibility that I would be completely and totally flooded by flashbacks and emotions that I have been so carefully trying to hide and pretend don't exist. Thoughts and feelings that I don't know how to deal with in a constructive manner.

So attempting to do the required assignments and staying focused during class has led to massive amounts of dissociation and unhealthy coping mechanisms. But I missed the add/drop date, so I can't replace the class with another one, and withdrawing from the class would mean that I would no longer be a full-time student, which would probably affect my living situation as well as my financial aid.

Anyways, my therapist is still agreeing to see me on an outpatient level. She told me that there was a time and place for ultimatums and this was not one of those times (relating to whether or not I chose to accept a higher level of care). We have been talking a lot about the fact that I have been minimizing abusive situations I was in when I was younger. Along with more recent traumatic events that I prefer not to verbalize.

I know that I can't physically or emotionally continue on this path for much longer. But I just don't know what to do right now. My main fear as I had mentioned earlier is losing my job. And I have heard plenty of times that it is illegal for them to fire me based on a mental illness, but I am sure CVS could find some other reason why I am not useful to them anymore.