Satan is a liarpants!!

You know what? I really did not realize how sick I really was...

This is just a retrospective post mostly. I have been doing a lot of...soul searching...i guess for lack of a better word. I have really been digging deep in my therapy sessions and I am also doing a discipleship with someone at my church and I have just been learning a lot about my ED. Talking to other people (mostly my family) about what it was like on their end...well it has really let me see how totally unaware I was.

So yeah...I thought I had it under control. Yeah. Definitely not. I thought (and still think a lot of times) I wasn't really "all that sick." Ummm, apparently I was. So I am feeling a lot of guilt right now. I look back and see what I have lost - and I regret. Because I don't want to be that person. I liked the way she looked, but there was nothing inside. She was empty, alone and hollow.

It really makes me so sad to see how much I have and how much I am tearing their insides apart. I love my family and friends more than anything else in the world and it kills me to know I did this to them.

To have my mom just randomly come up and talk about how proud she is of me. Just for something like eating grilled cheese for lunch. Even though I refuse to use butter on it; I just spray PAM on the bread to keep it from sticking.

I have seen my mom cry once in my life. It was over her thinking I was going to die. And seeing my 17 year old sister cry (she is the strong one, not me), it still tears me up inside. To make a long story short, she is my reason for living when I can't find one.

However, it is evidence though that I need to continue with my recovery. Satan is a liarpants, and he has been telling me that 'if only I just lose 10 pounds, then I will be ok, I will be content'. Or when he tells me that it wasnt really that bad, in fact those were the "good 'ole days". The pathetic thing is that a lot of times I really do think that! That once I can control my eating again, everything else in my life will fall into place. When the truth is that is the EXACT opposite. When I have my eating 'under control', i.e. I'm not eating, thats when my life falls to pieces.