A Woman's Heart

So I did something out of my comfort zone. My pastor was talking about how we need someone to keep us accountable spiritually. And I was thinking "Hey! Well I do have my therapist to keep me accountable for my actions, but I really don’t have anyone keeping my butt in line in this area." I have learned that this is something that I really, really have to watch out for. It is one of my weakest areas; when my relationship with God is dwindling, my eating disorder is out of control. The time when I was sickest was when I was convinced that I was alone and God abandoned me and had no use for me whatsoever.

So what I did was I went and talked to someone in my church and I am going to be meeting with her weekly. I felt so embarrassed at first, she asked why I wanted to meet with her and I was like 'ummmmm I don’t know, I just...ummmm, it's like sorta...' I felt really dumb. But I felt so much better when she said that she thought it took a lot of courage for me to go to someone I didn’t even know and ask for help. I was thinking by doing that I was being weak, but looking back, its one of the strongest things I can do; admit that I need help.

It is just so exciting though!! We are going through a study called "A Woman's Heart: God's Dwelling Place;" basically on the tabernacle and God's covenant with us. It is really teaching me a lot. The study comes with a movie set. And it is horribly outdated. But what the author Beth Moore has to say are some of the most profound things I have heard. It leaves me with my head spinning.

So yeah. God is pretty awesome. Somehow I can relate to this woman on SO many levels and I feel like she totally understands me too.

I told her (from now on I will just refer to her as E) about my ED and SI issues and she is actually pushing me in a way I haven't been before. I have a lot of coping skills and things I have learned through treatment, but what I never noticed was those were things I was doing to keep it all under control, by myself. So it should be no surprise that I can't and that I am still struggling. Yeah, I say "God, take this away from me, help me give up control;" but everything I do to combat my eating disorder relies on my OWN strength. Which is all but naught next to God.

It is also really good to have a godly perspective on all of this. One of the reasons I have so much trouble sharing and talking about my ED to others is because Satan doesn’t want me to! He wants to keep me stuck keeping my mouth shut and my stomach empty. To keep my eyes on the scale and off the Word of God. He tells me every day "No, don't talk about it. You will just sound crazy or they will think you are making it up for attention. Or they will think you are bragging in a sick sort of way." I have only spoken about it to a crowd once. And boy I felt so awful and scared before, I was SURE everyone would reveal me for the fraud I thought I was. But it was one of the most liberating things ever. I used my voice, not my body, which is a huge part of my ED, I can't say "I am hurting, there is something wrong"; I show it.

I didn't realize until yesterday that this was TOTALLY a ploy of Satan. E told me that she thought I was going to be a Joseph...Satan meant to use my ED for harm, but God can use this for His amazing glory!!!! It really isn’t a surprise that there are so many other people out there who struggle with body image issues, it is so common in society today. And if I can help just ONE person; then it is worth it. I believe this has made me stronger, I can do so many things I could have not ever have done without having this tribulation. Does it make it any easier? Nopers. I still hate my body and want to lose x pounds and I still have so many distorted thoughts. But knowing somehow, maybe, there is a reason for this, it makes it a little easier to bear this.

I want my life to become a testimony to His glory. I am such an example of how trying to control things on my own so does not work. Of thinking I knew what the best thing for me was (ha! thats a good one...)