I have been a busy bee!!!
I have been in an intensive outpatient program for my ED for at LEAST 12 or 13 weeks. And then before that I was inpatient and day patient for a length of time that will not be announced lol. I finally got discharged from the program. And I am STILL doing therapy 2x a week.
But hey, ya know what? It is keeping my butt in place. I have been doing so much better with my eating...I went to cheeburger cheeburger a couple weeks ago and I got ... well i got chicken, not a burger, but i got frings (fries and onion rings lol) and a MINT CHOCOLATE OREO milkshake. Can you say amazingggggggggggggggg??? I hadn't had a milkshake in YEARS.
And today is history in the making. I bought a half-gallon of ice cream. Not fat free frozen yogurt. And it isnt some boring flavor, it is moose tracks, my favorite [chocolate syrup and peanut butter cups]! Ok, ok, I will admit so it is sweetened with Splenda and no sugar added, BUT it is almost the same number of calories as regular stuff!
I guess I am just trying to write all this stuff down before I forget or can make an excuse about how I could have done better or whatever. And also I am kind of just flabbergasted. I look back and think of all the food rituals and see what I have been able to do, and I did not gain a bajillion pounds! Imagine that one.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Saturday, May 26, 2007
A Woman's Heart
So I did something out of my comfort zone. My pastor was talking about how we need someone to keep us accountable spiritually. And I was thinking "Hey! Well I do have my therapist to keep me accountable for my actions, but I really don’t have anyone keeping my butt in line in this area." I have learned that this is something that I really, really have to watch out for. It is one of my weakest areas; when my relationship with God is dwindling, my eating disorder is out of control. The time when I was sickest was when I was convinced that I was alone and God abandoned me and had no use for me whatsoever.
So what I did was I went and talked to someone in my church and I am going to be meeting with her weekly. I felt so embarrassed at first, she asked why I wanted to meet with her and I was like 'ummmmm I don’t know, I just...ummmm, it's like sorta...' I felt really dumb. But I felt so much better when she said that she thought it took a lot of courage for me to go to someone I didn’t even know and ask for help. I was thinking by doing that I was being weak, but looking back, its one of the strongest things I can do; admit that I need help.
It is just so exciting though!! We are going through a study called "A Woman's Heart: God's Dwelling Place;" basically on the tabernacle and God's covenant with us. It is really teaching me a lot. The study comes with a movie set. And it is horribly outdated. But what the author Beth Moore has to say are some of the most profound things I have heard. It leaves me with my head spinning.
So yeah. God is pretty awesome. Somehow I can relate to this woman on SO many levels and I feel like she totally understands me too.
I told her (from now on I will just refer to her as E) about my ED and SI issues and she is actually pushing me in a way I haven't been before. I have a lot of coping skills and things I have learned through treatment, but what I never noticed was those were things I was doing to keep it all under control, by myself. So it should be no surprise that I can't and that I am still struggling. Yeah, I say "God, take this away from me, help me give up control;" but everything I do to combat my eating disorder relies on my OWN strength. Which is all but naught next to God.
It is also really good to have a godly perspective on all of this. One of the reasons I have so much trouble sharing and talking about my ED to others is because Satan doesn’t want me to! He wants to keep me stuck keeping my mouth shut and my stomach empty. To keep my eyes on the scale and off the Word of God. He tells me every day "No, don't talk about it. You will just sound crazy or they will think you are making it up for attention. Or they will think you are bragging in a sick sort of way." I have only spoken about it to a crowd once. And boy I felt so awful and scared before, I was SURE everyone would reveal me for the fraud I thought I was. But it was one of the most liberating things ever. I used my voice, not my body, which is a huge part of my ED, I can't say "I am hurting, there is something wrong"; I show it.
I didn't realize until yesterday that this was TOTALLY a ploy of Satan. E told me that she thought I was going to be a Joseph...Satan meant to use my ED for harm, but God can use this for His amazing glory!!!! It really isn’t a surprise that there are so many other people out there who struggle with body image issues, it is so common in society today. And if I can help just ONE person; then it is worth it. I believe this has made me stronger, I can do so many things I could have not ever have done without having this tribulation. Does it make it any easier? Nopers. I still hate my body and want to lose x pounds and I still have so many distorted thoughts. But knowing somehow, maybe, there is a reason for this, it makes it a little easier to bear this.
I want my life to become a testimony to His glory. I am such an example of how trying to control things on my own so does not work. Of thinking I knew what the best thing for me was (ha! thats a good one...)
So what I did was I went and talked to someone in my church and I am going to be meeting with her weekly. I felt so embarrassed at first, she asked why I wanted to meet with her and I was like 'ummmmm I don’t know, I just...ummmm, it's like sorta...' I felt really dumb. But I felt so much better when she said that she thought it took a lot of courage for me to go to someone I didn’t even know and ask for help. I was thinking by doing that I was being weak, but looking back, its one of the strongest things I can do; admit that I need help.
It is just so exciting though!! We are going through a study called "A Woman's Heart: God's Dwelling Place;" basically on the tabernacle and God's covenant with us. It is really teaching me a lot. The study comes with a movie set. And it is horribly outdated. But what the author Beth Moore has to say are some of the most profound things I have heard. It leaves me with my head spinning.
So yeah. God is pretty awesome. Somehow I can relate to this woman on SO many levels and I feel like she totally understands me too.
I told her (from now on I will just refer to her as E) about my ED and SI issues and she is actually pushing me in a way I haven't been before. I have a lot of coping skills and things I have learned through treatment, but what I never noticed was those were things I was doing to keep it all under control, by myself. So it should be no surprise that I can't and that I am still struggling. Yeah, I say "God, take this away from me, help me give up control;" but everything I do to combat my eating disorder relies on my OWN strength. Which is all but naught next to God.
It is also really good to have a godly perspective on all of this. One of the reasons I have so much trouble sharing and talking about my ED to others is because Satan doesn’t want me to! He wants to keep me stuck keeping my mouth shut and my stomach empty. To keep my eyes on the scale and off the Word of God. He tells me every day "No, don't talk about it. You will just sound crazy or they will think you are making it up for attention. Or they will think you are bragging in a sick sort of way." I have only spoken about it to a crowd once. And boy I felt so awful and scared before, I was SURE everyone would reveal me for the fraud I thought I was. But it was one of the most liberating things ever. I used my voice, not my body, which is a huge part of my ED, I can't say "I am hurting, there is something wrong"; I show it.
I didn't realize until yesterday that this was TOTALLY a ploy of Satan. E told me that she thought I was going to be a Joseph...Satan meant to use my ED for harm, but God can use this for His amazing glory!!!! It really isn’t a surprise that there are so many other people out there who struggle with body image issues, it is so common in society today. And if I can help just ONE person; then it is worth it. I believe this has made me stronger, I can do so many things I could have not ever have done without having this tribulation. Does it make it any easier? Nopers. I still hate my body and want to lose x pounds and I still have so many distorted thoughts. But knowing somehow, maybe, there is a reason for this, it makes it a little easier to bear this.
I want my life to become a testimony to His glory. I am such an example of how trying to control things on my own so does not work. Of thinking I knew what the best thing for me was (ha! thats a good one...)
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Mario Bros.
So someone made an analogy refering to Mario Bros in reference to life, and it was a really really good one!
I know in life, there are a lot of times were I just want to stay put. I don't want to go and take risks, I dont want to trust that whatever is out there is anything worth really it. I would rather stay safe. Or give up.
But I mean in Mario Bros, you aren't going to just keep Mario in one spot when he is at the edge of a cliff and let him get eaten by the Gumbas or run out of time, would you? No!!! You would try and get him to save the princess! You would try and jump to the other side by the moving thingies. And if you fell and died, you would try again and be more determined. And you would do better because you know more of the tricks. And then when you get to the other side you get to the ? boxes, which have good things in them. And the last level is the hardest one. So if you die there, and have to go back, then the other ones are easier because you know the tricks. And eventually you win!
So yeah. I really liked this. Lol. Now I am going to try and find an old school nintendo and play Mario and Duck Hunt :-) Yay old school video games haha.
I know in life, there are a lot of times were I just want to stay put. I don't want to go and take risks, I dont want to trust that whatever is out there is anything worth really it. I would rather stay safe. Or give up.
But I mean in Mario Bros, you aren't going to just keep Mario in one spot when he is at the edge of a cliff and let him get eaten by the Gumbas or run out of time, would you? No!!! You would try and get him to save the princess! You would try and jump to the other side by the moving thingies. And if you fell and died, you would try again and be more determined. And you would do better because you know more of the tricks. And then when you get to the other side you get to the ? boxes, which have good things in them. And the last level is the hardest one. So if you die there, and have to go back, then the other ones are easier because you know the tricks. And eventually you win!
So yeah. I really liked this. Lol. Now I am going to try and find an old school nintendo and play Mario and Duck Hunt :-) Yay old school video games haha.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Sooooooooooo
Yeah. I suck at updating this thinger. I'll blame it on...well I'm not sure, but I'll figure something out. Lol.
The semester is drawing to a close and all I can say is thank goodness. I was about ready to quit school and join the circus or something haha.
All in all though, it hasn't been a bad semester. My classes are going well.
I learned how to swing dance. And I LOVE it. L-O-V-E it!!! And I am actually pretty good I think; or at least I can follow the guy's lead. I have gone a bunch of times with my lovely friend N.
Talked with my T about all of this; IOP is really annoying and we get in trouble for exercising, as we could overdo it as 'symptom substitution'; you know like exercising a ton to burn calories and lose weight. And they say we are supposed to wait 6 months because we cant be sure what we did to our bodies (Thanks to my ED, I have the bones of a 60 year old. woooohoooo *insert sarcasm here*). But she agreed with me, she thinks its a good thing, its an activity where I can actually be ok with my body, and I am just having fun. It's not about burning calories (but I would be soooo lying if I didnt say that I think of it as an "added benefit"). I really wanted to talk to her about it though because I feel bad; I never tell IOP that I am doing this stuff. I know they would get mad and threaten to send me to a higher level of care or something. (I can just hear it now...- "So have you stopped going swing dancing yet? No? Well you do know that this is against IOP policy; if you go again you get a strike).
Also N and I also have been broadening our tastes with ethnic nights. So in the past couple months I have had Thai, Indian, Italian and Greek food. Very very yummy.
Oh and now I have a car. And I'm commuting at least till the end of the semester to Towson. The commute sucks, but all in all, its good. Nice not to have to walk or bum rides everywhere. And I think I might get more work done because I cant go back and sleep between my classes lol. And it is actually a really good time for me to just pray; it's just me, the road and God for an hour every morning.
The semester is drawing to a close and all I can say is thank goodness. I was about ready to quit school and join the circus or something haha.
All in all though, it hasn't been a bad semester. My classes are going well.
I learned how to swing dance. And I LOVE it. L-O-V-E it!!! And I am actually pretty good I think; or at least I can follow the guy's lead. I have gone a bunch of times with my lovely friend N.
Talked with my T about all of this; IOP is really annoying and we get in trouble for exercising, as we could overdo it as 'symptom substitution'; you know like exercising a ton to burn calories and lose weight. And they say we are supposed to wait 6 months because we cant be sure what we did to our bodies (Thanks to my ED, I have the bones of a 60 year old. woooohoooo *insert sarcasm here*). But she agreed with me, she thinks its a good thing, its an activity where I can actually be ok with my body, and I am just having fun. It's not about burning calories (but I would be soooo lying if I didnt say that I think of it as an "added benefit"). I really wanted to talk to her about it though because I feel bad; I never tell IOP that I am doing this stuff. I know they would get mad and threaten to send me to a higher level of care or something. (I can just hear it now...- "So have you stopped going swing dancing yet? No? Well you do know that this is against IOP policy; if you go again you get a strike).
Also N and I also have been broadening our tastes with ethnic nights. So in the past couple months I have had Thai, Indian, Italian and Greek food. Very very yummy.
Oh and now I have a car. And I'm commuting at least till the end of the semester to Towson. The commute sucks, but all in all, its good. Nice not to have to walk or bum rides everywhere. And I think I might get more work done because I cant go back and sleep between my classes lol. And it is actually a really good time for me to just pray; it's just me, the road and God for an hour every morning.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Jesus Video
"In the Spring of 2003, Vintage21 had a four week series on Jesus Christ, taking a deep look at what He said and did. It was difficult at all times to get past our preconceived notions that had been developed by staunch, starched Sunday School classes of old. This is a satirical look at what some people think Jesus is like. Thank goodness He's not."
This was a video we watched in Cru on Thursday and really shows how Jesus is definitely not about sin management. I could not stop laughing. The sad thing however is there are people who think Jesus is like this.
This was a video we watched in Cru on Thursday and really shows how Jesus is definitely not about sin management. I could not stop laughing. The sad thing however is there are people who think Jesus is like this.
Monday, January 22, 2007
On Distant Shores
"On Distant Shores" - Five Iron Frenzy
I have been scarred so deep by life and cold despair,
and brittle bones were broken far beyond repair.
I have leveled lies so deep, the truth may never find.
And inside my faithless heart, I stole things never mine.
If mercy falls upon the broken and the poor,
Dear Father, I will see you, there on distant shores.
I have toiled for countless years and ever felt the cost,
and I've been burned by this world's cold,
like leaves beneath the frost.
On my knees I've crawled to You, bleeding myself dry.
But the price of life is more, than I could ever buy.
And off of the blocks,
I was headstrong and proud,
at the front of the line for the card-carrying, highbrowed.
With both eyes fastened tight,
yet unscarred from the fight.
Running at full tilt, my sword pulled from its hilt.
It's funny how these things can slip away,
our frail deeds, the last will wave good-bye.
It's funny how the hope will bleed away,
the citadels we build and fortify. Good-Bye.
Night came and I broke my stride,
I swallowed hard, but never cried.
When grace was easy to forget,
I'd denounce the hypocrites,
casting first stones, killing my own.
You would unscale my blind eyes,
and I stood battered, but more wise,
fighting to accelerate,
shaking free from crippling weight.
With resilience unsurpassed,
I clawed my way to You at last.
And on my knees, I wept at Your feet,
I finally believed, that You still loved me.
Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again.
Jesus Christ, Light of the World,
burning bright within our hearts forever.
Freedom means love without condition,
without beginning or an end.
Here's my heart, let it be forever Yours,
only You can make every new day seem so new.
I have been scarred so deep by life and cold despair,
and brittle bones were broken far beyond repair.
I have leveled lies so deep, the truth may never find.
And inside my faithless heart, I stole things never mine.
If mercy falls upon the broken and the poor,
Dear Father, I will see you, there on distant shores.
I have toiled for countless years and ever felt the cost,
and I've been burned by this world's cold,
like leaves beneath the frost.
On my knees I've crawled to You, bleeding myself dry.
But the price of life is more, than I could ever buy.
And off of the blocks,
I was headstrong and proud,
at the front of the line for the card-carrying, highbrowed.
With both eyes fastened tight,
yet unscarred from the fight.
Running at full tilt, my sword pulled from its hilt.
It's funny how these things can slip away,
our frail deeds, the last will wave good-bye.
It's funny how the hope will bleed away,
the citadels we build and fortify. Good-Bye.
Night came and I broke my stride,
I swallowed hard, but never cried.
When grace was easy to forget,
I'd denounce the hypocrites,
casting first stones, killing my own.
You would unscale my blind eyes,
and I stood battered, but more wise,
fighting to accelerate,
shaking free from crippling weight.
With resilience unsurpassed,
I clawed my way to You at last.
And on my knees, I wept at Your feet,
I finally believed, that You still loved me.
Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again.
Jesus Christ, Light of the World,
burning bright within our hearts forever.
Freedom means love without condition,
without beginning or an end.
Here's my heart, let it be forever Yours,
only You can make every new day seem so new.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
A Day In The Life
Let me tell you, life on an eating disordered inpatient unit is definitely interesting. Not that anyone would think that it would be dull there, hence the name, but some days I just wonder how I ended up here. Not that I even regret it; I know that being there has changed my life drastically, and boy do I ever appreciate the little things sooooo much more. [Lol, this is the most random post]
Like:
-Being able to be weighed in a cloth gown instead of a paper one that is almost like a paper towel...the store brand kind, not even the Bounty kind. Or *gasp* not having to use a gown at all!
-Not having nurses see and write down your weight every friggin day
-Showers that are longer than 8 minutes!!
-Sleeping in past 5:30 am and not being woken up to get your blood pressure and temp taken
-Not being woken at 4:00 am to have your blood sugar tested
-Having hot food thats actually hot and ice cream that isn't melted
-Having your bread actually toasted in the morning!
-Having REAL coffee, not sock water coffee
-Being allowed to have something to drink when you are thirsty and not having to wait until a water break or meal.
-Being able to use the bathroom when it's not bathroom break
-Being able to flush your toilet!!!
-Not having a whole staff of doctors and nurses and therapists talking about your weight
-Not being asked "How does that make you feeeeeeeeel? Or how can you challenge that? LOL
-Being able to talk on the phone when you want, even if you DIDN'T make freaking weight.
-Having hot showers
-Having a shower thats longer than 8 minutes!
-Sleeping on a REAL bed, not a hospital one
-NOT HAVING TO SEE DR. C and have him ask *insert polish accent* 'So whats new in your life? ('Nothing you freaking moron, I'm locked in a friggin hospital!) Or 'Are you happy to be alive? Or would you rather be dead? (I dont know!!) What if I don't know answer did not exist?
-If you genuintely, truly dont like something, you DONT have to drink a supplement if you dont eat it
-Not being accused of exercising in your room secretly if you don't make weight even though you are on 4 stupid supplements
If you read this and have been at SPED and have any others, leave me a comment!! =D
Like:
-Being able to be weighed in a cloth gown instead of a paper one that is almost like a paper towel...the store brand kind, not even the Bounty kind. Or *gasp* not having to use a gown at all!
-Not having nurses see and write down your weight every friggin day
-Showers that are longer than 8 minutes!!
-Sleeping in past 5:30 am and not being woken up to get your blood pressure and temp taken
-Not being woken at 4:00 am to have your blood sugar tested
-Having hot food thats actually hot and ice cream that isn't melted
-Having your bread actually toasted in the morning!
-Having REAL coffee, not sock water coffee
-Being allowed to have something to drink when you are thirsty and not having to wait until a water break or meal.
-Being able to use the bathroom when it's not bathroom break
-Being able to flush your toilet!!!
-Not having a whole staff of doctors and nurses and therapists talking about your weight
-Not being asked "How does that make you feeeeeeeeel? Or how can you challenge that? LOL
-Being able to talk on the phone when you want, even if you DIDN'T make freaking weight.
-Having hot showers
-Having a shower thats longer than 8 minutes!
-Sleeping on a REAL bed, not a hospital one
-NOT HAVING TO SEE DR. C and have him ask *insert polish accent* 'So whats new in your life? ('Nothing you freaking moron, I'm locked in a friggin hospital!) Or 'Are you happy to be alive? Or would you rather be dead? (I dont know!!) What if I don't know answer did not exist?
-If you genuintely, truly dont like something, you DONT have to drink a supplement if you dont eat it
-Not being accused of exercising in your room secretly if you don't make weight even though you are on 4 stupid supplements
If you read this and have been at SPED and have any others, leave me a comment!! =D
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Silence
Silence - Jars of Clay
Take
Take till there's nothing
Nothing to turn to
Nothing when you get through
Won't you break
Scattered pieces of all I've been
Bowing to all I've been
Running to
Where are you?
Where are you?
[verse]
Did you leave me unbreakable?
You leave me frozen?
I've never felt so cold
I thought you were silent
And I thought you left me
For the wreckage and the waste
On an empty beach of faith
Was it true?
[chorus]
Cuz I...I got a question
I got a question
Where are you?
[verse]
Scream
Deeper I wanna scream
I want you to hear me
I want you to find me
Cuz I...I want to believe
But all I pray is wrong
And all I claim is gone
[chorus]
And I...I got a question
I got a question
Where are you?
Yeah....yeah
And where...I...I got a question
I got a question
Where are you?
Where are you?
Where are you?
Where are you?
Take
Take till there's nothing
Nothing to turn to
Nothing when you get through
Won't you break
Scattered pieces of all I've been
Bowing to all I've been
Running to
Where are you?
Where are you?
[verse]
Did you leave me unbreakable?
You leave me frozen?
I've never felt so cold
I thought you were silent
And I thought you left me
For the wreckage and the waste
On an empty beach of faith
Was it true?
[chorus]
Cuz I...I got a question
I got a question
Where are you?
[verse]
Scream
Deeper I wanna scream
I want you to hear me
I want you to find me
Cuz I...I want to believe
But all I pray is wrong
And all I claim is gone
[chorus]
And I...I got a question
I got a question
Where are you?
Yeah....yeah
And where...I...I got a question
I got a question
Where are you?
Where are you?
Where are you?
Where are you?
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Hide
"Hide" - Joy Williams
To anyone who hides behind a smile
To anyone who holds their pain inside
To anyone who thinks they're not good enough
To anyone who feels unworthy of love
To anyone who ever closed the door
Closed their eyes and locked themselves away
You don't have to hide
You don't have to hide anymore
You don't have to face this on your own
You don't have to hide anymore
So come out, come out, come out wherever you are
To anyone who's tryin' to cover up their scars
To anyone who's ever made a big mistake
We've all been there, so don't be ashamed
Come out, come out and join the rest of us
You've been alone for way too long
And if you feel like no one understands
Come to the One with scars on His hands
'Cause He knows where you are, where you've been
His scars will heal you if you let Him
To anyone who hides behind a smile
To anyone who holds their pain inside
To anyone who thinks they're not good enough
To anyone who feels unworthy of love
To anyone who ever closed the door
Closed their eyes and locked themselves away
You don't have to hide
You don't have to hide anymore
You don't have to face this on your own
You don't have to hide anymore
So come out, come out, come out wherever you are
To anyone who's tryin' to cover up their scars
To anyone who's ever made a big mistake
We've all been there, so don't be ashamed
Come out, come out and join the rest of us
You've been alone for way too long
And if you feel like no one understands
Come to the One with scars on His hands
'Cause He knows where you are, where you've been
His scars will heal you if you let Him
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
I didn't drop off the face of the planet
FYI...Long vent-y post. Just feeling a little frustrated and its a better idea to write all my frustrations out rather than stuff them, which is what I usually do.
Things have been kind of rough. And it doesn't help when some people aren't giving me constructive support *cough* Mom *cough*. Like, "well everyone gets depressed...that doesn't mean they decide they want to go and kill themselves...so you just need to learn how to deal with your issues better." Ya know...I never thought about that! Or wait...yes I have. *rolls eyes* But if it were that easy, believe you me, I would have had this fixed long ago. Same thing goes with the food. If I could 'just' eat...I WOULD.
Or just comments insinuating that I should be better by now and its a failure that I'm in treatment. Which doesn't help things at all cuz I already feel guilty about being there because I don't feel like i need it...and it isn't me saying that out of pride, I really don't think I'm sick enough to be there anymore. My weight is higher than ever, I'm eating, there are tons of people with more and worse problems. I don't even think I am in denial or that I am rationalizing things. I have been doing well food-wise, it is just emotion-wise...I kind of had a breakdown. Sure a lot of it had to do with food, not eating kept me numb and then now I have all these emotions I don't know how to deal with. But if I didn't do well at one meal, I was back on track the next one.
I know everyone I am in treatment with must think I am bulimic or a compulsive overeater. I can't even say how much I weigh now. When I came in I was 103. And you know what the sad thing is? I feel like I would be happier if I were that weight again. But when I was that weight, I hated myself, because treatment had made me get to that weight. I was convinced I would die if I got to 100 pounds, and 102 pounds was the dreaded 75% of my goal weight. When I was at that weight, I wanted to weigh 87 pounds again (I'm 5'8''ish). But when I was 87 lbs, I wanted to be 75 lbs. I hate this stupid disease!!!
I'm also so sick of comments asking me why or criticizing me for wanting to run away from treatment.
Lol...but speaking of that, Tina, my individual therapist from there said that if she gave me a penny for every time I said to her that I wanted to run away, she thought I wouldn't need insurance to pay for all this. Which is saying a lot haha...one day there is like $1,500. She is a nice therapist...but thats about all. Last week I was really pissed off for some reasons and she asked me "Are you angry?" I said "Yeah," but the whole time I was staring at an electrical socket for at least 5 minutes waiting for her to actually say something. And considering sessions are like 40 minutes long...
Anyways I realllllllllllllllly miss my T. Like I said...Tina is nice, but sessions don't really compare. Idk, I feel like I can say pretty much anything to my T; and I mean thats really significant for me. Trust...its always been a no-no, so to be able to say what I am thinking and not being (very) worried she will be like 'WTF?' is amazing. So I end up blurting out random things I am thinking about and usually end up ratting on myself if I do something I am not supposed to. Lol. I guess it just really sucks having things I feel like I have to keep inside and never say aloud ever. Maybe its my way of checking to make sure I am still 'ok.' Maybe I do know that saying what I think she wants to hear isn't helping me at all and it wastes both hers and my time. Maybe I should stop psychoanalyzing myself haha.
But seriously, this is the first T that I actually tell whats going on, good or bad. But she's earned that right. My first T...well she told me that I was going to die if I didn't go back into the hospital and couldn't see me anymore. She yelled at me more than once and made me cry (but that really isn't saying much, N asks me every week if I cried in therapy. The answer is always a resounding yes).
Though it really bugs me b/c I really have NO idea what she is really thinking about everything I tell her, I am really worried she thinks I'm crazy. I mean I told her this and she asked if I wanted to ask her what she thought and she said she didn't think I was crazy, but I mean, seriously like she is going to say, "Yeah sometimes I think you are totally mental and wonder why I took you as a patient." I guess maybe I care too much about what others are thinking about me. Am I justified in that though? Probably not, it is most likely transference. But what if it isn't?
I guess I just don't know why I'm there right now; how the treatment is different than previous ones, how it will help me. All I am doing is gaining weight it seems. Plus all we do it seems is eat, sleep, and poop (TMI? lol). At least on weekends anyways. The groups we have are all good, but I've heard most everything a bajillion times. My clothes aren't fitting anymore. And my depression is a little better, but it hasn't gotten too much better. And I'm not too fond of the idea of having to take medicine if I'm really anxious and wanting to SI, cuz all that does is make me tired. But I don't actually have a choice. One of the down-sides to being in a mental institution is my doctor has the power to say (insert polish accent), "Well if you are asked to take your Seroquel because your anxiety is too high but won't, we will have to give you an injection of Haldol." Sooooooooo no shot in the butt for Megan.
And Dr. C is really getting on my nerves. To say the least. Not only does he say every morning *insert polish accent; "So Megan, whats new in your life?" (Nothing you freaking moron! I'm stuck in a friggin' hospital for crying out loud!) "Are you glad to be alive or would you rather be dead?" (I don't know.) "What if I don't know answer did not exist?"
So now he wouldn't let me go to the bridal shower, he wouldn't let me get off early on New Years Eve and I had to be there New Years day and now he doesn't want me to go to the wedding rehearsal (I'm going either way...shhh it's a secret...) and getting off for the wedding (I am one of three bridesmaids...and the ONLY one not related to the bride or groom) is contingent on me 'making weight' tomorrow and Friday. I'm sick of putting my life on hold. I mean he wont listen.
I asked to get off just a few hours early. I said I would leave after supplements, and he could meet my mom in the waiting room to make sure I didn't do anything, and he could call my friend and ask her what I ate. I followed the stupid contract he made me sign. But noooooooooooooooooooo, that isn't their policy. But plenty of his other patients get to go home early!! WTF??? I am seething right now.
On a brighter note...I've been having fun with my PHP self-evaluation sheets. All my answers are so boring, so I decided to be more creative. And as a result I got a drug test yesterday...LOL.
Any thoughts that worry you? "I don't know how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Roll Pop."
Any community issues? "There are zombies under my bed and I think they're gonna get me!" <--A nurse actually asked me, "Do you really think there are zombies under your bed?" LMAO
What did you do last night? "Licked a sparkplug, sniffed a stinkbug and painted daisies on a bright red rubber ball" (Its from a song)
What are your goals for treatment today? "To fight the war against plaque."
Well at least I thought it was funny. I am so incorrigible though. It gives me something to do during the 45 minute ride in.
Things have been kind of rough. And it doesn't help when some people aren't giving me constructive support *cough* Mom *cough*. Like, "well everyone gets depressed...that doesn't mean they decide they want to go and kill themselves...so you just need to learn how to deal with your issues better." Ya know...I never thought about that! Or wait...yes I have. *rolls eyes* But if it were that easy, believe you me, I would have had this fixed long ago. Same thing goes with the food. If I could 'just' eat...I WOULD.
Or just comments insinuating that I should be better by now and its a failure that I'm in treatment. Which doesn't help things at all cuz I already feel guilty about being there because I don't feel like i need it...and it isn't me saying that out of pride, I really don't think I'm sick enough to be there anymore. My weight is higher than ever, I'm eating, there are tons of people with more and worse problems. I don't even think I am in denial or that I am rationalizing things. I have been doing well food-wise, it is just emotion-wise...I kind of had a breakdown. Sure a lot of it had to do with food, not eating kept me numb and then now I have all these emotions I don't know how to deal with. But if I didn't do well at one meal, I was back on track the next one.
I know everyone I am in treatment with must think I am bulimic or a compulsive overeater. I can't even say how much I weigh now. When I came in I was 103. And you know what the sad thing is? I feel like I would be happier if I were that weight again. But when I was that weight, I hated myself, because treatment had made me get to that weight. I was convinced I would die if I got to 100 pounds, and 102 pounds was the dreaded 75% of my goal weight. When I was at that weight, I wanted to weigh 87 pounds again (I'm 5'8''ish). But when I was 87 lbs, I wanted to be 75 lbs. I hate this stupid disease!!!
I'm also so sick of comments asking me why or criticizing me for wanting to run away from treatment.
Lol...but speaking of that, Tina, my individual therapist from there said that if she gave me a penny for every time I said to her that I wanted to run away, she thought I wouldn't need insurance to pay for all this. Which is saying a lot haha...one day there is like $1,500. She is a nice therapist...but thats about all. Last week I was really pissed off for some reasons and she asked me "Are you angry?" I said "Yeah," but the whole time I was staring at an electrical socket for at least 5 minutes waiting for her to actually say something. And considering sessions are like 40 minutes long...
Anyways I realllllllllllllllly miss my T. Like I said...Tina is nice, but sessions don't really compare. Idk, I feel like I can say pretty much anything to my T; and I mean thats really significant for me. Trust...its always been a no-no, so to be able to say what I am thinking and not being (very) worried she will be like 'WTF?' is amazing. So I end up blurting out random things I am thinking about and usually end up ratting on myself if I do something I am not supposed to. Lol. I guess it just really sucks having things I feel like I have to keep inside and never say aloud ever. Maybe its my way of checking to make sure I am still 'ok.' Maybe I do know that saying what I think she wants to hear isn't helping me at all and it wastes both hers and my time. Maybe I should stop psychoanalyzing myself haha.
But seriously, this is the first T that I actually tell whats going on, good or bad. But she's earned that right. My first T...well she told me that I was going to die if I didn't go back into the hospital and couldn't see me anymore. She yelled at me more than once and made me cry (but that really isn't saying much, N asks me every week if I cried in therapy. The answer is always a resounding yes).
Though it really bugs me b/c I really have NO idea what she is really thinking about everything I tell her, I am really worried she thinks I'm crazy. I mean I told her this and she asked if I wanted to ask her what she thought and she said she didn't think I was crazy, but I mean, seriously like she is going to say, "Yeah sometimes I think you are totally mental and wonder why I took you as a patient." I guess maybe I care too much about what others are thinking about me. Am I justified in that though? Probably not, it is most likely transference. But what if it isn't?
I guess I just don't know why I'm there right now; how the treatment is different than previous ones, how it will help me. All I am doing is gaining weight it seems. Plus all we do it seems is eat, sleep, and poop (TMI? lol). At least on weekends anyways. The groups we have are all good, but I've heard most everything a bajillion times. My clothes aren't fitting anymore. And my depression is a little better, but it hasn't gotten too much better. And I'm not too fond of the idea of having to take medicine if I'm really anxious and wanting to SI, cuz all that does is make me tired. But I don't actually have a choice. One of the down-sides to being in a mental institution is my doctor has the power to say (insert polish accent), "Well if you are asked to take your Seroquel because your anxiety is too high but won't, we will have to give you an injection of Haldol." Sooooooooo no shot in the butt for Megan.
And Dr. C is really getting on my nerves. To say the least. Not only does he say every morning *insert polish accent; "So Megan, whats new in your life?" (Nothing you freaking moron! I'm stuck in a friggin' hospital for crying out loud!) "Are you glad to be alive or would you rather be dead?" (I don't know.) "What if I don't know answer did not exist?"
So now he wouldn't let me go to the bridal shower, he wouldn't let me get off early on New Years Eve and I had to be there New Years day and now he doesn't want me to go to the wedding rehearsal (I'm going either way...shhh it's a secret...) and getting off for the wedding (I am one of three bridesmaids...and the ONLY one not related to the bride or groom) is contingent on me 'making weight' tomorrow and Friday. I'm sick of putting my life on hold. I mean he wont listen.
I asked to get off just a few hours early. I said I would leave after supplements, and he could meet my mom in the waiting room to make sure I didn't do anything, and he could call my friend and ask her what I ate. I followed the stupid contract he made me sign. But noooooooooooooooooooo, that isn't their policy. But plenty of his other patients get to go home early!! WTF??? I am seething right now.
On a brighter note...I've been having fun with my PHP self-evaluation sheets. All my answers are so boring, so I decided to be more creative. And as a result I got a drug test yesterday...LOL.
Any thoughts that worry you? "I don't know how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Roll Pop."
Any community issues? "There are zombies under my bed and I think they're gonna get me!" <--A nurse actually asked me, "Do you really think there are zombies under your bed?" LMAO
What did you do last night? "Licked a sparkplug, sniffed a stinkbug and painted daisies on a bright red rubber ball" (Its from a song)
What are your goals for treatment today? "To fight the war against plaque."
Well at least I thought it was funny. I am so incorrigible though. It gives me something to do during the 45 minute ride in.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Lots of things
...Have happened since I last blogged. Some good, some bad and some downright weird! Anyways I am currently in the partial hospitalization program (PHP) at SP. 7 am to 7 pm every day. Blahhhhhhhh.
I would be inpatient, but my insurance hates me and decided that I don't need inpatient treatment because I'm 75% of my "goal weight" (state law requires a patient to be inpatient until they are 75% of their goal weight). I was trying to convince my doctor that I'm fine and don't need to gain weight because I am eating. But I signed a contract with a whole lot of mumbo-jumbo, but basically says if I ever come back, I have to stay until I am 85% of my goal weight. So I'm trying not to freak out. Especially since when I was admitted last March, I was 64% of my goal weight (which I can admit was way too thin).
The most annoying thing is it wasn't really even my eating that brought me back in, it was that my depression got a whole heck of a lot worse. I mean, I know the eating and the prospect of gaining weight was definitely a huge trigger for me and it is true that there are a lot of foods I don't eat. I guess my definition of eating well is 'not dying'...so as long as I am at least scraping by and can function, then I'm fine. So maybeee I have just a few distortions.
Anyways it has been an interesting couple of weeks to say the least. At least my life isn't dull. I guess thats a good thing, ya know? Hahaha. A lot of things had been building up for the past month or so and I finally cracked. So yeah, very long story, but one minute I'm in therapy and the next I'm at GBMC with my therapist and have been certified to the ER. Haha I have to be dramatic with everything, what would be the point of me doing the rational thing? Well I mean, things happen for a reason I suppose and whatever the result, I know that there are always going to be people who care about me and that God is sovereign through it all.
I know treatment is for the best. It's just really hard to be there. It's really hard not to compare myself to others and think that I am the biggest one there (which is definitely how I feel). And then I get pissed at Dr. C for laughing at me, but I know thats just because I have been a really difficult patient in the past. And hey, maybe some of the stuff I say is ridiculous. He's a good doctor. But you won't hear me saying that to him, lol.
This whole experience I know is giving me a little bit of time to just focus on me, which I have not been doing for the past semester. I kept myself so busy that I didn't have any time to think about me or my issues. I literally had to write down everything on my calendar or my hand or something becuase otherwise I would just forget. My short term memory definitely sucks. It's painful to look at me and my issues, because I always avoid them and run away from them. But I am learning new things about myself...
Ok, so on a different and lighter topic, life on the unit has been pretty good thus far except for all the tummy aches I have lol. I have had a lot of good conversations and its nice to just hang out with people. Though I am still trying to try and forget a really funny, but really really inappropriate conversation I hear yesterday...lol.
Eh well I gotta get going, I have the day off today and am going to be a bridesmaid for a friend's wedding, so I am going to get fitted!!
I would be inpatient, but my insurance hates me and decided that I don't need inpatient treatment because I'm 75% of my "goal weight" (state law requires a patient to be inpatient until they are 75% of their goal weight). I was trying to convince my doctor that I'm fine and don't need to gain weight because I am eating. But I signed a contract with a whole lot of mumbo-jumbo, but basically says if I ever come back, I have to stay until I am 85% of my goal weight. So I'm trying not to freak out. Especially since when I was admitted last March, I was 64% of my goal weight (which I can admit was way too thin).
The most annoying thing is it wasn't really even my eating that brought me back in, it was that my depression got a whole heck of a lot worse. I mean, I know the eating and the prospect of gaining weight was definitely a huge trigger for me and it is true that there are a lot of foods I don't eat. I guess my definition of eating well is 'not dying'...so as long as I am at least scraping by and can function, then I'm fine. So maybeee I have just a few distortions.
Anyways it has been an interesting couple of weeks to say the least. At least my life isn't dull. I guess thats a good thing, ya know? Hahaha. A lot of things had been building up for the past month or so and I finally cracked. So yeah, very long story, but one minute I'm in therapy and the next I'm at GBMC with my therapist and have been certified to the ER. Haha I have to be dramatic with everything, what would be the point of me doing the rational thing? Well I mean, things happen for a reason I suppose and whatever the result, I know that there are always going to be people who care about me and that God is sovereign through it all.
I know treatment is for the best. It's just really hard to be there. It's really hard not to compare myself to others and think that I am the biggest one there (which is definitely how I feel). And then I get pissed at Dr. C for laughing at me, but I know thats just because I have been a really difficult patient in the past. And hey, maybe some of the stuff I say is ridiculous. He's a good doctor. But you won't hear me saying that to him, lol.
This whole experience I know is giving me a little bit of time to just focus on me, which I have not been doing for the past semester. I kept myself so busy that I didn't have any time to think about me or my issues. I literally had to write down everything on my calendar or my hand or something becuase otherwise I would just forget. My short term memory definitely sucks. It's painful to look at me and my issues, because I always avoid them and run away from them. But I am learning new things about myself...
Ok, so on a different and lighter topic, life on the unit has been pretty good thus far except for all the tummy aches I have lol. I have had a lot of good conversations and its nice to just hang out with people. Though I am still trying to try and forget a really funny, but really really inappropriate conversation I hear yesterday...lol.
Eh well I gotta get going, I have the day off today and am going to be a bridesmaid for a friend's wedding, so I am going to get fitted!!
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Promise
"Promise of a Lifetime" - Kutless
I have fallen to my knees
As I sing a lullaby of pain
I'm feeling broken in my melody
As I sing to help the tears go away
Then I remember the pledge you made to me
[CHORUS:]
I know you're always there
To hear my every prayer inside
I'm clinging to the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime
Will you help me fall apart
Pick me up, take me in your arms
Find my way back from the storm
And you show me how to grow
Through the change
I still remember the pledge you made to me
[BRIDGE:]
I am holding on to the hope I have inside
With you I will stay through every day
Putting my understanding aside
And I am comforted
I have fallen to my knees
As I sing a lullaby of pain
I'm feeling broken in my melody
As I sing to help the tears go away
Then I remember the pledge you made to me
[CHORUS:]
I know you're always there
To hear my every prayer inside
I'm clinging to the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime
Will you help me fall apart
Pick me up, take me in your arms
Find my way back from the storm
And you show me how to grow
Through the change
I still remember the pledge you made to me
[BRIDGE:]
I am holding on to the hope I have inside
With you I will stay through every day
Putting my understanding aside
And I am comforted
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Update
Ok, well I decided that I should give an update on how things are going lately, just because I got so many replies on my last post. Which btw makes me feel happy.
So I think I have made a decision...I think I am going to 'bite the bullet' and go inpatient over winter break. I really don't want to. But the thought of this always being the way it is scares me almost as much as the idea of gaining weight. Which, according to a friend is good insight. All I can say is I guess it's about time that I finally have some of that. But yeah, I'm tired of running away from my problems and I need to learn that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Right??
Anyways a couple of people have brought up the option of residential treatment. At first I was like heck no I won't do that blah blah blah. And I might not. I probably won't. But I checked out this place called the Carolina House (http://www.carolinaeatingdisorders.com) and my insurance doesnt cover it; but maybe my doctor can convince them to. I dont know.
Residential treatment is similar to inpatient treatment, but it is a longer term stay. If I were to go to SP, I would be there anywhere from 10 days to 3 weeks most likely, not even talking about PHP (day program) or anything. Which would be nice, I'd be in and out pretty fast. I could even maybe still work.
But with that, I am stuck inside a hospital...nothing like the real world, I don't make my meals except for snack once a week and only portion out meals once a week at a 'theraputic lunch' we have. And another thing is I know the stuff we are told in groups, because I've been there before. And since it is so short term, the weight gain is really really rapid and thats really really scary and hard to deal with. And it feels as if we are punished (no shower, phone calls, visitors) if we don't gain the weight we are 'supposed' to and are sometimes even accused of doing something wrong (ie exercising, hiding food, etc). And I guess I understand the premise, but its not like when I get out if I dont gain weight I am not going to let myself shower. And the whole punishment thing kind of reinforces what I am most scared of, that "the number is the most important thing about you".
I know, I know, I should stop criticizing. They are doing the best they can and it is a good program and does work for a lot of people. And I am not saying it wont work for me. I know that no matter what, it comes down to me and doing what I need to do. But if I can do another program where I can really learn what my body needs and test the waters out for a longer period of time, then thats what I want to do.
At this place everyone is in a stable place and wants to get better. So I dont have to worry about patients being there that are refusing to eat and don't have motivation to get better.
So I don't even know whats gonna happen. There aren't any residential centers in MD so therefore nothing within my insurances network. So I dont have any benefits for this. And it would be around 45 days...and would be wayy more than I can afford. But my doctor is (hopefully) going to talk to my insurance company and see if they would consider covering it. So we'll see I guess. And I mean also, I don't really want to go to North Carolina...I want to stay here and spend time with people I love.
So I guess the point of the post, is just pray for me that I make the decision God wants me to make. Cuz right now I just feel like I'm not even sick enough to need treatment because I am so much of a better place than before.
So I think I have made a decision...I think I am going to 'bite the bullet' and go inpatient over winter break. I really don't want to. But the thought of this always being the way it is scares me almost as much as the idea of gaining weight. Which, according to a friend is good insight. All I can say is I guess it's about time that I finally have some of that. But yeah, I'm tired of running away from my problems and I need to learn that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Right??
Anyways a couple of people have brought up the option of residential treatment. At first I was like heck no I won't do that blah blah blah. And I might not. I probably won't. But I checked out this place called the Carolina House (http://www.carolinaeatingdisorders.com) and my insurance doesnt cover it; but maybe my doctor can convince them to. I dont know.
Residential treatment is similar to inpatient treatment, but it is a longer term stay. If I were to go to SP, I would be there anywhere from 10 days to 3 weeks most likely, not even talking about PHP (day program) or anything. Which would be nice, I'd be in and out pretty fast. I could even maybe still work.
But with that, I am stuck inside a hospital...nothing like the real world, I don't make my meals except for snack once a week and only portion out meals once a week at a 'theraputic lunch' we have. And another thing is I know the stuff we are told in groups, because I've been there before. And since it is so short term, the weight gain is really really rapid and thats really really scary and hard to deal with. And it feels as if we are punished (no shower, phone calls, visitors) if we don't gain the weight we are 'supposed' to and are sometimes even accused of doing something wrong (ie exercising, hiding food, etc). And I guess I understand the premise, but its not like when I get out if I dont gain weight I am not going to let myself shower. And the whole punishment thing kind of reinforces what I am most scared of, that "the number is the most important thing about you".
I know, I know, I should stop criticizing. They are doing the best they can and it is a good program and does work for a lot of people. And I am not saying it wont work for me. I know that no matter what, it comes down to me and doing what I need to do. But if I can do another program where I can really learn what my body needs and test the waters out for a longer period of time, then thats what I want to do.
At this place everyone is in a stable place and wants to get better. So I dont have to worry about patients being there that are refusing to eat and don't have motivation to get better.
So I don't even know whats gonna happen. There aren't any residential centers in MD so therefore nothing within my insurances network. So I dont have any benefits for this. And it would be around 45 days...and would be wayy more than I can afford. But my doctor is (hopefully) going to talk to my insurance company and see if they would consider covering it. So we'll see I guess. And I mean also, I don't really want to go to North Carolina...I want to stay here and spend time with people I love.
So I guess the point of the post, is just pray for me that I make the decision God wants me to make. Cuz right now I just feel like I'm not even sick enough to need treatment because I am so much of a better place than before.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Strong Enough
Stacie Orrico - "Strong Enough"
As I rest against this cold hard wall
Oh will you pass me by
Will you critize me as I sit and cry
I had fought so hard
and thought that all be battles had been won
only to find the war has just begun
Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out and start again
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again?
Will my weaknes for an hour
Make me suffer for a lifetime
Is there any way to be made whole again
If I'm healed, Renewed and find forgiveness
Find the strength I've never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God's plan
He took my life into His Hands
And turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance
It's there I finally found
But you were strong enough
But you were pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
But you were brave enough
To take one chance on me
Oh Thank you for me chance to start again
As I rest against this cold hard wall
Oh will you pass me by
Will you critize me as I sit and cry
I had fought so hard
and thought that all be battles had been won
only to find the war has just begun
Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out and start again
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again?
Will my weaknes for an hour
Make me suffer for a lifetime
Is there any way to be made whole again
If I'm healed, Renewed and find forgiveness
Find the strength I've never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God's plan
He took my life into His Hands
And turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance
It's there I finally found
But you were strong enough
But you were pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
But you were brave enough
To take one chance on me
Oh Thank you for me chance to start again
Monday, November 20, 2006
I don't know.
[edit] I reread this and I really don't want to come off as doing worse than I really am. I AM eating 3 meals consistently, and they are balanced and I have not skipped any meals [on purpose...i have slept through breakfast a couple times] since getting out of the hospital. And I'm not trying to sound like some emo kid. Yeah. That's all.
Aughhhhhhh. I hate asking for help. I feel like I am just whining about my own stupid problems and they aren't even that big of a deal, and I should just stop being a crybaby.
Actually I don't want to even post this because to me this screams "You messed up again!!" But I think this time I can say that that statement just isn't true. I hope.
So, by the title of the post...I really don't know what to do. And I don't want to pretend that I do or decide to be stubborn and not try and think outside of the box (...no pun intended...trust me, you'll see the pun in a moment).
My therapist wants me to think about going back inpatient over the break. For once this isn't "You have to go, or we are calling the police on you (that HAS happened...)", it's kind of I'm at a plateau and can't seem to get past it.
I don't know if going back on the unit will help, part of me feels like it won't, I've been there and been through all the groups, I KNOW this stuff. I can psycho-analyze ANYTHING, I can can do thought logs, behavior chains, blah de blah de blah as long as anyone pleases me to. I know more about my disorder than sooo many other people. I could teach the groups on the unit. Ask me a question, any question about CBT or carbohydrates or fats or WHATEVER...I know (most) of it. I have hundreds of worksheets I have done; I've saved them all. Worksheets with the complications of anorexia, ones with different self-soothing techniques, ones asking me to write down things that have happened to me in the past that may have contributed to my ED etc, etc, etc.
And I really don't think my insurance will cover another stay. They are sick of me. And I doubt they will give me coverage unless I am on the brink of death (wonderful wonderful health coverage).
Plus I really need to make money for tuition/books this winter. I am not even going to go into how much my account has been drained; it is a major source of stress for me.
And, I don't want to see Dr. C. I REALLY REALLY CANNOT STAND THAT MAN. But thats a whole other rant...
Ok...yeah. That isn't even the main reason why I feel so ambivalent. Those reasons are just grains or sands next to my real 'reason'. (Read: THE classic anorectic reason)
I. DON'T. WANT. TO. GAIN. WEIGHT.
I don't think I need to, even though I have been told that I do need to gain weight about 3495843895409587438957 times, give or take a few. And this just isn't "well I don't really want to do this"...this is I would rather slit my wrists than do this...I'd rather have a root canal without anesthesia.
But if I go, then I will have to. Like I will be required to gain 1/2 pound a day or I have to drink extra supplements (Ensure Plus), up to four a day. I don't want to even think about how many of those I have had to drink or sit with because I was refusing to drink them.
I feel like I am eating, I am functioning fine, so whats the problem? I can do x, y and z. And q. Blindfolded (well maybe not blindfolded...but still). Then why is every other therapy session with me totally freaking out over and over again over the same things and not making changes? Why do I have to be reminded over and over again things that should be so obvious. Why is it always 1 step forward, two steps back? Why do I keep my routine so OCDish and routined to the T and have to rationalize everything I eat?
My main thought is that I don't really need to go. I am following a pretty good meal plan, I am doing well in school, I'm not isolating myself, I have a social life for once. I have been able to do things I thought I could never do with friends (eat Chinese food...ice cream...a cookie from starbucks [not in the same sitting of course LOL]).
But when I'm not with friends, I have issues. I mean not nearly as bad, but yeah. Can you say symptom substitution? My depression has been off the charts lately...not all the time, but it isn't making things any easier...it's making things so much harder to do. A lot of times, I feel I am just lacking the motivation to face the day. I don't even know why. And then I get into a stressful situation, whether it be arriving late to something or not doing as well on a test or feeling really awkward in a social situation...I don't know how to deal. Or I do, but I don't cope well. I want to injure.
I was discharged from the hospital in the beginning of July. I have not gained a single pound. In fact I think I may have lost one or two. Which I guess isn't that much. But I was pretty much forced to sign a contract before being let back into outpatient treatment saying that I would get to 110 pounds in a certain amount of time. And the stupidest reason why I am so scared of that weight, is I have decided that 110 is a 'normal' weight, because that is the weight you have to be to donate blood. I told my T that, she laughed at me. Stupid black and white thinking.
That never happened. Partly because I had the brilliant idea to do something to make me weigh in up to 10 pounds heavier (not giving tips, sorry lol) every appointment I had, and I didn't get caught until someone said something to someone. So that cat was out of the bag, and I basically freaked and said if they made me go into the hospital I would stop treatment [and i hate to say it, but that would basically be signing my death warrant].
So here I am now. I haven't really gained, haven't really lost. And I know thats on purpose. Every time I gain any weight, I freak and restrict to make it go back down, but don't continue down that path because I know where it leads. But I am eating a LOT. Though my therapist doesn't agree. I know she really wants me to gain weight, and so do other people, but I just can't do it on my own. She said gaining weight will help my mood, but I don't see how it will.
But I can sort of realize that having a very very long debate with myself over whether or not I can have a yogurt that isn't fat free with my dinner isn't what 'normal' people do. Or is that normal?? I don't know anymore, it seems so natural. Goodness. I am so screwed up.
Ok, I really need to learn to condense my thoughts. I guess what I'm really asking is this:
-Do I look 'normal' or close to it? I SERIOUSLY don't know. Do I look as if I am at a normal weight? Or do I stick out like a sore thumb? (I'm not even going to say how much weight I've gained because it just makes me cry)
-Do you think I should do IP again? Or is it a waste. I'm not really that sick or anything, should I just suck it up?
Ok, I really hate being this transparent and vulnerable. This might find itself deleted quicker than you can say 'esophagogastroduodenoscopy'...
Aughhhhhhh. I hate asking for help. I feel like I am just whining about my own stupid problems and they aren't even that big of a deal, and I should just stop being a crybaby.
Actually I don't want to even post this because to me this screams "You messed up again!!" But I think this time I can say that that statement just isn't true. I hope.
So, by the title of the post...I really don't know what to do. And I don't want to pretend that I do or decide to be stubborn and not try and think outside of the box (...no pun intended...trust me, you'll see the pun in a moment).
My therapist wants me to think about going back inpatient over the break. For once this isn't "You have to go, or we are calling the police on you (that HAS happened...)", it's kind of I'm at a plateau and can't seem to get past it.
I don't know if going back on the unit will help, part of me feels like it won't, I've been there and been through all the groups, I KNOW this stuff. I can psycho-analyze ANYTHING, I can can do thought logs, behavior chains, blah de blah de blah as long as anyone pleases me to. I know more about my disorder than sooo many other people. I could teach the groups on the unit. Ask me a question, any question about CBT or carbohydrates or fats or WHATEVER...I know (most) of it. I have hundreds of worksheets I have done; I've saved them all. Worksheets with the complications of anorexia, ones with different self-soothing techniques, ones asking me to write down things that have happened to me in the past that may have contributed to my ED etc, etc, etc.
And I really don't think my insurance will cover another stay. They are sick of me. And I doubt they will give me coverage unless I am on the brink of death (wonderful wonderful health coverage).
Plus I really need to make money for tuition/books this winter. I am not even going to go into how much my account has been drained; it is a major source of stress for me.
And, I don't want to see Dr. C. I REALLY REALLY CANNOT STAND THAT MAN. But thats a whole other rant...
Ok...yeah. That isn't even the main reason why I feel so ambivalent. Those reasons are just grains or sands next to my real 'reason'. (Read: THE classic anorectic reason)
I. DON'T. WANT. TO. GAIN. WEIGHT.
I don't think I need to, even though I have been told that I do need to gain weight about 3495843895409587438957 times, give or take a few. And this just isn't "well I don't really want to do this"...this is I would rather slit my wrists than do this...I'd rather have a root canal without anesthesia.
But if I go, then I will have to. Like I will be required to gain 1/2 pound a day or I have to drink extra supplements (Ensure Plus), up to four a day. I don't want to even think about how many of those I have had to drink or sit with because I was refusing to drink them.
I feel like I am eating, I am functioning fine, so whats the problem? I can do x, y and z. And q. Blindfolded (well maybe not blindfolded...but still). Then why is every other therapy session with me totally freaking out over and over again over the same things and not making changes? Why do I have to be reminded over and over again things that should be so obvious. Why is it always 1 step forward, two steps back? Why do I keep my routine so OCDish and routined to the T and have to rationalize everything I eat?
My main thought is that I don't really need to go. I am following a pretty good meal plan, I am doing well in school, I'm not isolating myself, I have a social life for once. I have been able to do things I thought I could never do with friends (eat Chinese food...ice cream...a cookie from starbucks [not in the same sitting of course LOL]).
But when I'm not with friends, I have issues. I mean not nearly as bad, but yeah. Can you say symptom substitution? My depression has been off the charts lately...not all the time, but it isn't making things any easier...it's making things so much harder to do. A lot of times, I feel I am just lacking the motivation to face the day. I don't even know why. And then I get into a stressful situation, whether it be arriving late to something or not doing as well on a test or feeling really awkward in a social situation...I don't know how to deal. Or I do, but I don't cope well. I want to injure.
I was discharged from the hospital in the beginning of July. I have not gained a single pound. In fact I think I may have lost one or two. Which I guess isn't that much. But I was pretty much forced to sign a contract before being let back into outpatient treatment saying that I would get to 110 pounds in a certain amount of time. And the stupidest reason why I am so scared of that weight, is I have decided that 110 is a 'normal' weight, because that is the weight you have to be to donate blood. I told my T that, she laughed at me. Stupid black and white thinking.
That never happened. Partly because I had the brilliant idea to do something to make me weigh in up to 10 pounds heavier (not giving tips, sorry lol) every appointment I had, and I didn't get caught until someone said something to someone. So that cat was out of the bag, and I basically freaked and said if they made me go into the hospital I would stop treatment [and i hate to say it, but that would basically be signing my death warrant].
So here I am now. I haven't really gained, haven't really lost. And I know thats on purpose. Every time I gain any weight, I freak and restrict to make it go back down, but don't continue down that path because I know where it leads. But I am eating a LOT. Though my therapist doesn't agree. I know she really wants me to gain weight, and so do other people, but I just can't do it on my own. She said gaining weight will help my mood, but I don't see how it will.
But I can sort of realize that having a very very long debate with myself over whether or not I can have a yogurt that isn't fat free with my dinner isn't what 'normal' people do. Or is that normal?? I don't know anymore, it seems so natural. Goodness. I am so screwed up.
Ok, I really need to learn to condense my thoughts. I guess what I'm really asking is this:
-Do I look 'normal' or close to it? I SERIOUSLY don't know. Do I look as if I am at a normal weight? Or do I stick out like a sore thumb? (I'm not even going to say how much weight I've gained because it just makes me cry)
-Do you think I should do IP again? Or is it a waste. I'm not really that sick or anything, should I just suck it up?
Ok, I really hate being this transparent and vulnerable. This might find itself deleted quicker than you can say 'esophagogastroduodenoscopy'...
Saturday, November 18, 2006
A human being...not a human doing
So anyways, sometimes I seriously wonder why my therapist puts up with me lol. I feel like she must think that I'm bipolar at moments. Cuz some sessions I'll come in and be all "la de da de dah, life is great" and then the next session (I must be realllllllly unstable haha, I see her 2x a week [does the humor downplay just how insecure I feel about having to see a therapist?? lol]), just 3 days later, I'm a wreck and pretty much crying the whole time and she has to tell me the same things over and over.
But seriously, lots of times I feel like I'm just wasting her time, it seems as if we are rehashing the same things over and over...and over. Sometimes I just get so frustrated...it's like why can't I just get this right for crying out loud??
But she definitely told me something that I know perfectly well and have said myself plenty of times, but I had an 'aha' moment (dontcha just love those??) this time.
It's NOT about food. Like I said, I know this, but I have gotten so many times from so many people "Why don't you just eat? Food is nourishment. You aren't fat;" leading me to just dwell on the phsyical symptoms. So no wonder why I get annoyed, the concept that food is nourishment and without it, I die is so basic, I know this and understand this JUST FINE.
So the whole point of this tangential blog was she asked me a couple of rhetorical questions yesterday that really made me think and feel at least a little better. The first thing she asked was "Is your anorexia a way of making you feel more whole as a person, or is it a way to escape how empty you feel inside?" And then she asked "Is your eating disorder just like a purse, an accessory? Or is it the glue that holds your life together?"
But it's true. For five years (at least...) when I was dealing with stress or rejection (real or percieved) or criticism or other 'bad' feelings, I ran away in a sense. I didn't work through it. When I was worried about doing badly in school, stressed over a paper that I couldn't get started...I would shift my focus to my weight and food.
Don't worry about that stuff, focus on being thin. Anyone can be smart, but what if I fail anyway? What do I have? What if everyone I love abandons me? Who am I? What do I have? Don't think about that stuff, there isn't a concrete answer to these questions; can't control if you understand a concept and can't control other people's feelings. But weight...it's simple, measurable, controlable. Eat less, weigh less. If the number goes down, you are good, if it goes up, you are bad.
Ok, I'm done with my rant.
But seriously, lots of times I feel like I'm just wasting her time, it seems as if we are rehashing the same things over and over...and over. Sometimes I just get so frustrated...it's like why can't I just get this right for crying out loud??
But she definitely told me something that I know perfectly well and have said myself plenty of times, but I had an 'aha' moment (dontcha just love those??) this time.
It's NOT about food. Like I said, I know this, but I have gotten so many times from so many people "Why don't you just eat? Food is nourishment. You aren't fat;" leading me to just dwell on the phsyical symptoms. So no wonder why I get annoyed, the concept that food is nourishment and without it, I die is so basic, I know this and understand this JUST FINE.
So the whole point of this tangential blog was she asked me a couple of rhetorical questions yesterday that really made me think and feel at least a little better. The first thing she asked was "Is your anorexia a way of making you feel more whole as a person, or is it a way to escape how empty you feel inside?" And then she asked "Is your eating disorder just like a purse, an accessory? Or is it the glue that holds your life together?"
But it's true. For five years (at least...) when I was dealing with stress or rejection (real or percieved) or criticism or other 'bad' feelings, I ran away in a sense. I didn't work through it. When I was worried about doing badly in school, stressed over a paper that I couldn't get started...I would shift my focus to my weight and food.
Don't worry about that stuff, focus on being thin. Anyone can be smart, but what if I fail anyway? What do I have? What if everyone I love abandons me? Who am I? What do I have? Don't think about that stuff, there isn't a concrete answer to these questions; can't control if you understand a concept and can't control other people's feelings. But weight...it's simple, measurable, controlable. Eat less, weigh less. If the number goes down, you are good, if it goes up, you are bad.
Ok, I'm done with my rant.
Friday, November 17, 2006
Wow...scary
Wow. This is scary. Makes me realize a few things. Thats about how much I weighed. And I was convinced I wasn't 'that sick'...
Brazil Model Who Battled Anorexia Dies
By Associated Press
Thu Nov 16, 10:46 PMSAO PAULO, Brazil - A 21-year-old anorexic model who weighed only 88 pounds has died of generalized infection, a hospital said. Ana Carolina Reston, who had worked in China, Turkey, Mexico and Japan for several modeling agencies, died Tuesday, according to Sao Paulo's Servidor Publico Hospital.
The hospital said the infection that killed the 5-foot-8-inch model was caused by anorexia nervosa, a disorder characterized by an abnormal fear of becoming obese, an aversion to food and severe weight loss.
"Take care for your children because their loss is irreparable," Reston's mother, Miriam, told the O Globo newspaper. "Nothing can make the pain go away. No money in the world is worth the life of your child."
Reston began her modeling career at the age of 13 after winning a local beauty contest in her hometown of Jundiai, on the outskirts of Sao Paulo.
"I noticed something was wrong when she returned from Japan," Miriam told the Estado de Sao Paulo newspaper. "She was too thin when she returned and when I told her to eat something, she would say: 'Mom please don't fight with me; there is nothing wrong with me, I'm fine.'"
The model's cousin, Dani Grimaldi, told the Estado de Sao Paulo newspaper that Reston also battled bulimia, an eating disorder marked by binge eating that is followed by vomiting or the use of laxatives.
The world of high fashion and modeling has long been targeted by critics who say it encourages women and girls to emulate rail-thin models.
In September, a Spanish fashion show responded to such criticism by banning models with a body mass index of less than 18. Body mass index is a calculation doctors normally apply to study obesity, and anyone with an index below 18.5 is considered underweight.
Reston would have had a body mass index of 13.4 at the time of her death, according to a calculator on the Web site of the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
When I Fall...I know where I'll be landing
Ok, so this isn't my writing (cuz I can't write nearly this well, lol). But a friend of mine wrote this and basically what they wrote was exactly what I have been thinking and feeling but have been unable to really express.
"The Human spirit is something to behold, a mystery that is wrapped up in our glorious design. It will never be fully understood for it is something that is so close to the heart of God. There are however tendencies and observations that I have made on this mysterious gift we have been given, that is what I wish to share now.
The spirit is something that is hard to define but also undeniably present. I hope that you see you don't even have to believe in life after death or heaven and hell to be convinced that each of us has something intangible that makes us who we are. I would argue that we are defined and molded by this intangible essence we all possess, and this essence is discovered more than learned or taught. This is difficult because of our materialistic society where most people don't know who they are apart from the things they have acquired or set themselves to acquire, but that is another issue. This is my best attempt to put some skin on the human spirit.
There are things that I have recently discovered about my spirit which I think others can benefit from as well, especially those of the Christian faith but not limited to them either. My spirit is like a fire, sometimes roaring and sometimes merely ambers and warm coals. In order to keep this fire going it needs fuel. Fuel for my spirit comes in many forms; time with close friends, God's word, prayer, fellowship, good and fun experiences. These are things that keep my fire going. When I am isolated from friends for long periods of time or I lack the motivation to pursue my LORD my fire grows weaker. And when I live in sin that is like throwing water on the fire of my spirit. And as we all know life is full of sufferings that also take fuel from our spirits.
I would like to point out that as a result of my experiences I will argue that this fire can never be put out. I have been through hard times lately and though sometimes it seems that the sun will never rise on this darkness I have not stopped being me. Rather I have learned more about myself, my true self.
Simply put the human spirit is what makes a person them, the intangibleness that makes a person unique. Many will search their whole lives trying to define or find themselves. Tragically many have died without ever knowing who they really are or believing and trying to be someone they are not. The ultimate tragedy is many others will continue to follow this same path. The journey into oneself is the hardest of all because it is one we must ultimately embark upon ourselves. I continue to make this journey without fear because of the One who is guiding me, walking with me and when needed He carries me. No one knows the creation better than the Creator.
The highest knowledge humans can attain to is the knowledge of themselves, there true selves. This is beyond any of our abilities as individuals, so I give praise and honor to God for making it possible for us to know Him. Only then is our true selves, our spirit, revealed. And what a glorious revelation it is. What better than to live out our days with such purpose and self-knowledge. I say again no one knows the creation better than the Creator."
"The Human spirit is something to behold, a mystery that is wrapped up in our glorious design. It will never be fully understood for it is something that is so close to the heart of God. There are however tendencies and observations that I have made on this mysterious gift we have been given, that is what I wish to share now.
The spirit is something that is hard to define but also undeniably present. I hope that you see you don't even have to believe in life after death or heaven and hell to be convinced that each of us has something intangible that makes us who we are. I would argue that we are defined and molded by this intangible essence we all possess, and this essence is discovered more than learned or taught. This is difficult because of our materialistic society where most people don't know who they are apart from the things they have acquired or set themselves to acquire, but that is another issue. This is my best attempt to put some skin on the human spirit.
There are things that I have recently discovered about my spirit which I think others can benefit from as well, especially those of the Christian faith but not limited to them either. My spirit is like a fire, sometimes roaring and sometimes merely ambers and warm coals. In order to keep this fire going it needs fuel. Fuel for my spirit comes in many forms; time with close friends, God's word, prayer, fellowship, good and fun experiences. These are things that keep my fire going. When I am isolated from friends for long periods of time or I lack the motivation to pursue my LORD my fire grows weaker. And when I live in sin that is like throwing water on the fire of my spirit. And as we all know life is full of sufferings that also take fuel from our spirits.
I would like to point out that as a result of my experiences I will argue that this fire can never be put out. I have been through hard times lately and though sometimes it seems that the sun will never rise on this darkness I have not stopped being me. Rather I have learned more about myself, my true self.
Simply put the human spirit is what makes a person them, the intangibleness that makes a person unique. Many will search their whole lives trying to define or find themselves. Tragically many have died without ever knowing who they really are or believing and trying to be someone they are not. The ultimate tragedy is many others will continue to follow this same path. The journey into oneself is the hardest of all because it is one we must ultimately embark upon ourselves. I continue to make this journey without fear because of the One who is guiding me, walking with me and when needed He carries me. No one knows the creation better than the Creator.
The highest knowledge humans can attain to is the knowledge of themselves, there true selves. This is beyond any of our abilities as individuals, so I give praise and honor to God for making it possible for us to know Him. Only then is our true selves, our spirit, revealed. And what a glorious revelation it is. What better than to live out our days with such purpose and self-knowledge. I say again no one knows the creation better than the Creator."
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Numbers scare me
This is about how excited I am for math class tonight....I don't know how people like Corrine or my mom or my sister can stand this stuff. BLAH.
Here are a few others lol. All these I found at Fun and Jokes with Morals.
I really should be doing homework instead of this...Lol.
Here are a few others lol. All these I found at Fun and Jokes with Morals.
I really should be doing homework instead of this...Lol.Wednesday, November 08, 2006
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