IP

I'm supposed to be studying for my lab exam tomorrow but I can't because I can't stop crying.

It feels like everything is falling apart right now.

I'm supposed to be going inpatient right after the semester ends. I know in my head that I need this. I have tried to get things back on track by myself and it hasn't worked. I feel like such a letdown and a failure.

And I can't get myself to tell my family. I talk to my mom every night, and she always asks how I am doing. It's so much easier to say I am doing fine. Especially when she tells me how proud she is that I am not getting so stressed out and I am doing so well. I guess she doesn't notice how much weight I have lost.

My boyfriend has though. And I really want to do this for him...I really wish it worked that way. I am really lucky that he is so supportive. My biggest fear is him leaving me like other people have because I am too sick or can't get everything together. I know he isn't going to and he understands how hard this is for me, but I still feel like a huge failure for not just doing what I need to do.

My nutritionist really put it bluntly for me last week. I am going to gain weight, either on my own or in the hospital. It sucks knowing this and it should make the decision that much easier. I even convinced myself for a week or so that I could do this and just start eating again.

I just want everything to be normal.

I feel like I'm not 'sick enough' to be in the hospital because my weight is definitely much higher than it has been in the past. I'm not emaciated anymore. But I know that I am not well enough to keep going the way I am going right now.

Ugh this sucks. I am supposed to be starting research with one of my professors right after the semester ends. We are going to be meeting weekly. This is such an amazing opportunity for me, and I know I won't have this opportunity again.

My professor for my trauma class is writing a rebuttal article against some people who are trying to get DID banned from the DSM-V. Which is, frankly, rediculous. So I am going to be helping out with a meta-analysis.

I cannot even begin to express how excited I am to be able to be a part of this. This is directly related to what I want to do with my career (pharmaceutical research to improve treatment for trauma/dissociative disorders). And I know (or at least hope) that my background in chemistry/biology can definitely bring something useful to the table, considering I am just one class away from a BS in Chemistry.

Augh. I just need to believe that God has a plan that is greater than what I can imagine right now and even if I can't find Him right now, he is there and isn't going to leave me.

Well the good thing about this depressing entry is that I am feeling calmer and I think I can get some studying done so I don't fail.

Silence

These lyrics really capture how I am feeling right now.

Jars of Clay - "Silence"
Take, Take 'til there's nothing
Nothing to turn to
Nothing when you get through
Won't you break,
Scatter pieces of all I've been
Bowing to all I've been
Running to
Where are you?

Where are you?

Did you leave me unbreakable,
Leave me frozen, I've never felt so cold
I thought you were silent,
And I thought you left me
For the wreckage and the waste
On the empty beach of faith
Was it true?

Cuz I, I got a question
I got a question,
Where are you?

Scream,
Deeper I wanna scream
I want you to hear me
I want you to find me
Cause I, I want to believe
But all I pray is wrong
And all I claim is gone

And I, I got a question
I got a question
Where are you?

Yeah, yeah...
Well, I, I got a question
I got a question
Where are you?
Where are you?
Where are you?
Where are you?

Inverse relationship

My therapist wrote in my notes for my nutritionist to make specific food goals in our session.

Jill is not happy with me. She says that I need to have gained a significant amount of weight by next week (which is now this week) or I need to start doing a supplement. Ha. That's a good one. I have never done a supplement outside of the unit. I don't see her till next week though. She also brought up how my weight has been steadily going down and my symptoms have been steadily going up. Then she talks about how when I had an NG tube I was very ill and my symptoms were really bad (gee, really?).

I know I don't want to be where I was when I had an NG tube. It was not fun. To say the least. But I guess right now my motivation is kind of low and I don't really want to make goals that I'm not going to keep. I have been going to sessions and making all these great goals but I don't actually do any of them. Which kind of defeats the whole purpose.

The Little Things

As much as my job drives me crazy, it is the little things that really make working at CVS worthwhile. It seems like as soon as I have a chance to take a sip of my [now cold] coffee, a new influx of customers come in or there is some crisis to attend to. Then there are the angry and impatient customers that can really test my patience. I actually had a dream last night where I lost it and told off a customer at drive-thru lol. And then there is my perfectionism that always seems to whisper that if I make a mistake I will be fired.

But, like I said, it is the little things that really make everything worthwhile.

Yesterday, the lead tech thanked me for all my help and told me I was doing a really good job and learning pretty quickly. It really meant a lot to me. I requested not to work on Sundays because I usually am helping out with the youth at church and in the evening I have an APO meeting. So working yesterday afternoon meant I had to go straight from church to work (I usually go home to see my family and hang out for a little bit) and I had to miss initiation of the new pledges.

Some other things that make work worth it:
-When it is quiet and I get to just count pills for an extended period of time (I know, I am such a dork...I love counting pills).
-Learning the generic names for brand name drugs and vice-versa (I know...total nerd!)
-Being able to learn a new skill that makes me a more competent technician.
-When someone thanks me for helping after my shift is over.
-Having the opportunity to make small-talk and relate to customers
-On Valentines day, this really sweet couple who had been married for 54 years came in and I could just tell they were still in love.
-One time, I was talking to this cute but kind of socially awkward kid and was relating to him about his medication and he bought a Hershey's bar and told me to share it with everyone in the pharmacy because we were working hard and looked tired.
-Just talking to the other technicians and pharmacists about their lives.

I should be studying; therefore I have done everything except study

Ok, it's not quite that bad, but I have taken out the trash and recycling (which required three trips btw because either Neil or I tend to be the only ones who will do it), cleaned the counters and mopped the floors in my apartment.

Then I spent 15 minutes rewriting my schedule/drawing ducks on my dry-erase board. =]

In my defense however, I have gotten a lot of studying for A&P done. I think I have gone over all the different hormones so many times that I will dream about them (that is if I get any sleep tonight). Which is fine with me; after working all weekend I have been dreaming about filling scripts. I really wonder if that's a sign of something lol.

Anyways you can tell I am definitely not an artist. And I decided that I could use a little encouragement this week, hence the bible verse. If I can keep the motivation up, I would like to find a new one to write every week.

I already have Psalm 139:13-14 "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are WONDERFUL, I know that full well." [emphasis mine] written on a notecard and pinned to my wall; but something new to focus on each week I think would be pretty helpful.

Why your pharmacist hates you so much...

So I decided to re-post this...it is so true...lol

Why your Pharmacist hates you so much....
Sunday, August 06, 2006

WARNING: This post may be painful for those in the profession to read.

You come to the counter. I am on the phone with a drunk dude who wants
the phone number to the grocery store next door. After I instruct him
on the virtues of 411, you tell me your doctor was to phone in your
prescription to me. Your doctor hasn't, and you're unwilling to wait
until he does. Being in a generous mood, I call your doctors office
and am put on hold for 5 minutes, then informed that your prescription
was phoned in to my competitor on the other side of town. Phoning the
competitor, I am immediately put on hold for 5 minutes before speaking
to a clerk, who puts me back on hold to wait for the pharmacist. Your
prescription is then transferred to me, and now I have to get the 2
phone calls that have been put on hold while this was being done. Now
I return to the counter to ask if we've ever filled prescriptions for
you before. For some reason, you think that "for you" means "for your
cousin" and you answer my question with a "yes", whereupon I go the
computer and see you are not on file.

The phone rings.

You have left to do something very important, such as browse through
the monster truck magazines, and do not hear the three PA
announcements requesting that you return to the pharmacy. You return
eventually, expecting to pick up the finished prescription.....

The phone rings.

......only to find out that I need to ask your address, phone number,
date of birth, if you have any allergies and insurance coverage. You
tell me you're allergic to codeine. Since the prescription is for
Vicodin I ask you what exactly codeine did to you when you took it.
You say it made your stomach hurt and I roll my eyes and write down
"no known allergies" You tell me......

The phone rings.

.....you have insurance and spend the next 5 minutes looking for your
card. You give up and expect me to be able to file your claim anyway.
I call my competitor and am immediately put on hold. Upon reaching a
human, I ask them what insurance they have on file for you. I get the
information and file your claim, which is rejected because you changed
jobs 6 months ago. An asshole barges his way to the counter to ask
where the bread is.

The phone rings.

I inform you that the insurance the other pharmacy has on file for you
isn't working. You produce a card in under 10 seconds that you seemed
to be unable to find before. What you were really doing was hoping
your old insurance would still work because it had a lower copay. Your
new card prominently displays the logo of Nebraska Blue Cross, and
although Nebraska Blue cross does in fact handle millions of
prescription claims every day, for the group you belong to, the claim
should go to a company called Caremark, whose logo is nowhere on the
card.

The phone rings.

A lady comes to the counter wanting to know why the cherry flavored
antacid works better than the lemon cream flavored antacid. What
probably happened is that she had a milder case of heartburn when she
took the cherry flavored brand, as they both use the exact same
ingredient in the same strength. She will not be satisfied though
until I confirm her belief that the cherry flavored brand is the
superior product. I file your claim with Caremark, who rejects it
because you had a 30 day supply of Vicodin filled 15 days ago at
another pharmacy. You swear to me on your mother's'....

The phone rings.

.......life that you did not have a Vicodin prescription filled
recently. I call Caremark and am immediately placed on hold. The most
beautiful woman on the planet walks buy and notices not a thing. She
has never talked to a pharmacist and never will. Upon reaching a human
at Caremark, I am informed that the Vicodin prescription was indeed
filled at another of my competitors. When I tell you this, you say you
got hydrocodone there, not Vicodin. Another little part of me dies.

The phone rings.

It turns out that a few days after your doctor wrote your last
prescription, he told you to take it more frequently, meaning that
what Caremark thought was a 30-day supply is indeed a 15 day supply
with the new instructions. I call your doctor's office to confirm this
and am immediately placed on hold. I call Caremark to get an override
and am immediately placed on hold. My laser printer has a paper jam.
It's time for my tech to go to lunch. Caremark issues the override and
your claim goes though. Your insurance saves you 85 cents off the
regular price of the prescription.

The phone rings.

At the cash register you sign....

The phone rings.

......the acknowledgement that you received a copy of my HIPPA policy
and that I offered the required OBRA counseling for new prescriptions.
You remark that you're glad that your last pharmacist told you you
shouldn't take over the counter Tylenol along with the Vicodin, and
that the acetaminophen you're taking instead seems to be working
pretty well. I break the news to you that Tylenol is simply a brand
name for acetaminophen and you don't believe me. You fumble around for
2 minutes looking for your checkbook and spend another 2 minutes
making out a check for four dollars and sixty seven cents. You ask why
the tablets look different than those you got at the other pharmacy. I
explain that they are from a different manufacturer. Tomorrow you'll
be back to tell me they don't work as well.

Now imagine this wasn't you at all, but the person who dropped off
their prescription three people ahead of you, and you'll start to have
an idea why.....your prescription takes so damn long to fill.

http://mariuscorner.blogspot.com/2006/09/pharmacists-blues.html

Revenge of the Police Blotters

Ok, once again, I stole these from Benjamin, but seriously, some of the things that make the police report in our town are crazy lol.

4/11/08 [Aberdeen, MD]: A caller told police Tuesday a Comcast truck with a ladder was parked in the 100 block of Hamilton Place and an employee walked into the ladder.
4/11/08 [Aberdeen, MD]: A woman in the 1000 block of Beards Hill Road told police April 3 she needed an officer to push the door open for her because she was stuck between the two doors.

5/16/08 [Aberdeen, MD]: A woman in the 600 block of Holly Circle told police Tuesday a man and a woman were in a bedroom.
-->Well thank you Big Brother, whoever you are...

5/23/08 [Aberdeen, MD]: A woman in the 600 block of South Philadelphia Boulevard told police Wednesday a group of people were loitering around the door and one man's pants were hanging very low.
5/23/08 [Aberdeen, MD]: A caller in the 600 block of South Philadelphia Boulevard told police Wednesday a person parked next to her was playing loud music and wearing pants that were hanging down.
-->Now I don't know if there is a law regulating how high your pants ought to be - I tend to think not - but there deserves to be one. Especially if you get called in to the police twice in the same day!

5/23/08 [Aberdeen, MD]: An officer from Havre de Grace called Friday and said he hit an owl with his vehicle and the head lights were broken. He tried calling the bird rescue but the woman had taken a sedative and couldn't come out; he called Harford Emergency vet but they couldn't do anything because they aren't licensed to care for wildlife; he called state police for a number for the Natural Resources but got a voicemail but no one responded, according to police reports. He also called Harford County to get a report for the gamage.
-->Ok so whats up with the random sedative thrown in there?

6/13/08 [Aberdeen, MD]: Cheryl Ann Cregar, 55, of the 700 block of the Beards Hill Road, was charged June 5 with theft scheme more than $500, obtaining the property of a vulnerable adult older than 50, abusing a vulnerable adult who is a family member, trespassing, forgery, issuing a false document, theft less than $500, fraud and numerous credit card offenses.
-->Wow! If you were going to rack up so many charges, couldn't you at least have thrown one or two more petty things in there?!

6/13/08 [Havre de Grace, MD]: A patient was flown to aHavre de Grace police report:
-->Hmm...Methinks there was a typo here...

6/13/08 [Havre de Grace, MD]: A caller on Linden Lane told police Wednesday there was an odor of gas coming from the bathroom.
-->As I see it, don't complain. Better in there than out in front of you.

6/27/08 [Aberdeen, MD]: A man living in Country Village Apartments on Idlewild Road notified the police Wednesday that juveniles were throwing fireworks at ducks.
-->Awww...poor duckies!!

7/4/08 [Havre de Grace, MD]: A man told police Monday a three-foot iguana on a picnic table wasn't aggressive.
-->I don't know how to respond to this...

10/5/07 [Havre de Grace, MD]: A man in the 300 block of St. John Street told police last Friday his neighbor was sending electronic microwaves through his apartment causing him pain.
--> Someone sure has a good imagination.

12/21/07 [Havre de Grace, MD]: A caller told police last Friday a couple, ages 16 and 17, was having sex on the property of St. Patrick Church. They were found and told to leave.
--> I expect a couple, ages 16 and 17, was asked to please return to the Catholic church on Saturday, but not to have sex.

12/21/07 [Havre de Grace, MD]: A woman told police around 8 p.m. Wednesday a child had his head on the table at MacGregor's and she wanted the police to tell the child's mother to take him home or he was going to be exhausted at school tomorrow. The woman was suspected of being drunk, according to the police report.
--> Mind you, I'm all for guarding kids' education, but when she brings the police in to act as a parent cut her off!

3/14/08 [Aberdeen, MD]: A caller in the Aberdeen Shopping Plaza told police a man was throwing bread to seagulls and making a mess.

3/14/08 [Aberdeen, MD]: A woman in the 100 block of West Air Avenue observed a man in a dark hooded sweatshirt walked into a church through the front doors.
--> Hmm...that would be a problem. Some churches have special pews which you can't sit in, other churches have special front doors that you aren't supposed to walk through?

8/24/07 [Havre de Grace, MD]: A man in the 200 block of Pennington Avenue told police Thursday his son was locked in handcuffs and they couldn't find the key.
--> Um, I wouldn't know anyone who has done that before...

Valentine's Day

Yeah, I know it's not Valentine's Day yet, but I saw this picture and it made me laugh. Unfortunately, Neil and I won't be doing anything exciting on Saturday...I have to work from 12:30-9 and then I have to work again on Sunday. So most likely we will go to the Diner. Which is perfectly fine with me, I don't really want or expect anything really elaborate. I told Neil that I felt like Valentine's day was just some arbitrary day that someone decided to be more romantic than all the other ones...he asked if I could put that in writing LOL (Insert dramatic roll of eyes).

Also, our two-year anniversary is at the end next month, so it seems kind of pointless to make a big deal out of this holiday when something much more significant (IMHO) is coming up a little more than a month later.

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Things suck right now.

I think that pretty much sums it up. It might come as a surprise to most that life hasn't exactly been peachy-keen; I have been feeling rather reluctant to admit to the fact that I am struggling. Maybe because admitting it means that it is real. Maybe I'm sick of letting people down. Maybe because I so desperately want to be 'normal' (whatever that is), to just be happy.

I could spend hours talking about how much better my life is and how much I have going for me right now. I have an AMAZING boyfriend who I know isn't going to leave me or give up on me like other people have when things got bad. I finally have the job that I really want, something that is immediately relevant to my future career plans. I have wonderful friends and family who care about me so much. But somehow, it doesn't seem to matter.

I tried doing IOP for 2 weeks. And I was for all intents and purposes kicked out because my symptoms were too severe to start off with and weren't getting any better, so they wanted me to do PHP. I declined and was discharged AMA. I refused to put my life on hold again to try a program that I didn't have the motivation for. Right now I am feeling completely and totally unwilling to gain weight, to get to my 'goal weight'.

I wanted to believe that the structure of classes and of work would compel me to get my act together and just start eating. I didn't want to tell people again that I screwed up and needed more help. I was scared that it would lead to me losing the job that I worked so hard to get and to admit to my co-workers that I do have limitations (and in my mind's eye, admitting that I am a complete failure).

Um yeah...not quite.

I haven't been to class in two days. Not because I am sick, but because I am tired, depressed and avoilitional. Unfortunately, skipping class and trying to hide under covers doesn't really help matters much. I tell myself that it's only one class, I can get the notes and catch up. But somehow it brings back memories of me deciding that I could learn Organic Chemistry by myself and I didn't really need to go to lecture. Not my brightest or most rational decision.

So I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place.

My PTSDish sx have been sucking as well as the ED sx. Maybe because I am taking a class entitled 'Trauma Through the Lifespan' =P. And I know to some people it might sound like I am trying to set myself up, but it wasn't intended that way. In my own distorted and weird mind, I was hoping that by learning how to help others who have been through traumatic life events, I could somehow learn how to heal myself. I didn't even think of the possibility that I would be completely and totally flooded by flashbacks and emotions that I have been so carefully trying to hide and pretend don't exist. Thoughts and feelings that I don't know how to deal with in a constructive manner.

So attempting to do the required assignments and staying focused during class has led to massive amounts of dissociation and unhealthy coping mechanisms. But I missed the add/drop date, so I can't replace the class with another one, and withdrawing from the class would mean that I would no longer be a full-time student, which would probably affect my living situation as well as my financial aid.

Anyways, my therapist is still agreeing to see me on an outpatient level. She told me that there was a time and place for ultimatums and this was not one of those times (relating to whether or not I chose to accept a higher level of care). We have been talking a lot about the fact that I have been minimizing abusive situations I was in when I was younger. Along with more recent traumatic events that I prefer not to verbalize.

I know that I can't physically or emotionally continue on this path for much longer. But I just don't know what to do right now. My main fear as I had mentioned earlier is losing my job. And I have heard plenty of times that it is illegal for them to fire me based on a mental illness, but I am sure CVS could find some other reason why I am not useful to them anymore.

Update

So I realize that I haven't updated in a while...oops.

Anyways, the knee surgery was a success, and after a little bit of Vicodin and a lot of physical therapy, I am feeling a lot better. I was only on crutches for about a week and I only missed one day of class. I finished PT a couple weeks ago and I am glad to be done! Mostly for the fact that it really cleaned out my wallet. But it was definitely helpful and I have my full range of motion back and have spent some time building up my quads (specifically my vastus medialis).

And here is a before and after picture of what the cartlidge of my knee looked like. I was really surprised/distressed that the cartlidge resembled cotton before getting the surgery.

Before:


After:

Knee update

So, it turns out that I broke some cartilage off my kneecap and it is just floating around getting stuck in places it shouldn't.

So the good news is, my ligaments are fine, the bad news is I have to get surgery to get the cartilage out. Also my kneecap isn't sliding centrally because one muscle is looser than the other, so my orthopedist is going to fix that too.

Fortunately, the surgery is arthroscopic, so the recovery time won't be very long and I will only need PT for a few months.

Anyways, I am also posting a picture of my MRI. The part with the circle around it is one of the pieces of cartilage that broke off.

AgNO3

So today in lab I got some AgNO3 (Silver Nitrate) on myself. Now part of my wrist is stained brown and will stay that way until new skin grows. Lol. At least now I know from A&P that I have 4 or 5 layers of epidermis, and the top layer is dead skin anyways.

This is almost as funny as the time I accidentally dyed my hands purple because I didn't know you were supposed to wear gloves when tye-dying because the dye stains skin! Ooops. =P

And this time I was wearing gloves...I guess it must have gotten under them.

Phillipians 4:7

Its been almost a year since the trauma. My mind wants to forget, but my body won't let me. I haven't been able to sleep lately, and it sucks. I desperately wish all the memories would just disappear.

I am just trying to remember that I have a mighty God who can heal anything and has a peace that surpasses all understanding. (Philippians 4:7 - "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.")

I talked with the youth pastor at my church about a month ago and he was talking to me about not just praying for God's peace, but accepting it. I didn't really realize that I have had God's peace all along, but it's a matter of actually opening my hands and taking it.

Also, we were talking in church on Sunday about how powerful God is (Romans 8:31 - "What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?"). I mean, that is pretty cool; my God is so big that there is nothing in this world that can harm me that really matters.

We also talked about a lot of other really interesting things, like that there is nothing that we can go through that God doesn't understand and I was really challenged to not focus on my problems and suffering and focus on praying to understand God's heart and the suffering He went through. But that's a whole 'nother subject which I am sure I could not articulate even half as well as it was articulated in the sermon.

I don't think there really was a point to this post, I guess I am just trying to put my thoughts into words.

PS: This is pretty random but I have heard this new song on the radio a couple of times and I really wanted to share it...the lyrics are amazing (I don't have all the lyrics, it is such a new song that I wasn't able to find lyrics for it online).

It's called "Give Me Your Eyes" by Brandon Heath: "Give me Your eyes for just one minute, give me Your eyes so I can see everything that I've keep missing, give me Your love for humanity, give me Your heart for the broken hearted, give me Your heart for the forgotten, give me Your eyes so I can see..."

MRI

So, I am a klutz. What else is new? Lol. About 3 weeks ago, I fell and hurt my knee pretty badly. I don't remember if I tripped and fell or if my knee gave out and I fell (my knees have a history of doing this).

Anyways, after a series of doctor's appointments, I found out...well, nothing. Except that I have the knees of a 50 year old haha. And I have something called patellar subluxation, which is basically when you dislocate your kneecap (patella). So my knees grind and make weird noises...I already knew this; my knees have been creaking for years. It is probably due to a mix of the ED and 10 years of ballet.

But on the bright side, when I went to the student health center to get my knee checked out when I first hurt it, I happened to be examined by a doctor who did a physical on me a couple years ago when I was in a much different condition. She remembered me, and commented on how at least I don't have bradycardia anymore. Yeah, I think I'll take a sprained knee and a healthy heart over a good knee and a weak heart.

Anyways the orthopedist said that he thought it might be sprained, but he also wanted me to get an MRI so he could check for a tear in my meniscus and my ACL. I don't think I tore anything, because for the most part I can walk fine now.

I sprained my ACL years ago in high school, so hopefully that's all it is. Ironically, I fell down the stairs that time too. With a vacuum cleaner, LOL. My orthopedist remembered me as vacuum cleaner girl, and to this day, I am still not allowed to carry a vacuum cleaner down the stairs! =P

My MRI is today at 6 pm. Hopefully it goes well.

Mercy Me's Cover Tune Grab Bag

This is a hilarious video! It is Mercy Me doing a cover of DC Talk's 'Jesus is Just Alright'

I love science jokes

This poem was on the wall of my Analytical Chem lab...I found it quite funny.

The Chemistry Student's Prayer

Analyst is my Chemist, I shall not Quant;

He maketh me to precipitate in green ions,
He leadeth me to mop up the de-ionised waters;

He restoreth my equilibrium.
He replenisheth my tote-box;
He maketh me to pay promptly for glassware I break.
He leadeth me into the Chemistry Lab for Science's sake.

Yeah though I walk in the shadow of the titration curve,
I will fear no Acid,
For my Apron is with me.
Thy stirring rod, and thy Chem Staff, they comfort me.

Thou preparest an unknown before me, in the presence of interfering ions;
Thou anointest my head with indicator,
My Buret runneth over.

Surely panic and problems shall follow me all the days of my strife;
And I shall dwell in the Chem Lab forever.

Crossroads

So, I got back from a camp in Cape Henlopen, DE, called Crossroads, on Friday. It was an awesome experience. It was a middle school camp run by a group called Youth for Christ (YFC), and I was there as a leader. It was a new experience for me, and I got a lot out of it. I really feel like I have a passion for seeing students grow deeper in their relationships with God, and that DEFINITELY happened this week!

We were seperated into small groups and each of the small groups had a name based on the theme of candy. My group was called the '7 Musketeers' (we had 7 girls in our group). Other groups were called the 'Gnarly Nerds', 'Snickers Cadberry Eggs', 'Whatchamacallits', 'Last Minute Party Bars with Nuts', 'Chocolate Covered Sand', and 'Niner Laffy Taffy King Size.'

Our group was really quiet and introverted at first, but with time and lots of sugar, the girls really opened up and it got pretty crazy. We had some cool bible studies, intense worship, played some fun games, time at the beach and the boardwalk and a night out being just plain weird in the Dollar Store.

One game in particular that was a lot of fun was called 'The Golden Fleece'. Kind of like capture the flag, it was the kids vs the leaders and it was violent. Haha. The picture is a little bit of what the game was like.

I would be lying though if I said that I wasn't nervous. In fact, I was really scared. On a bunch of different levels. The most obvious (for me) being that I would be gone for a week and have no control over what I was eating. I've been to camps/retreats before as a student...and it rarely, if ever goes well. It typically ended up with others concerned about what I was (or wasn't) eating.

So I knew if things went badly, the equation would end up being:
middle school girls + adult leader who isn't eating = disaster!

Luckily, things went really well (IMHO). I ate a lot of things that I was uncomfortable with and I broke a lot of ED 'rules' and I didn't die or gain 100 pounds. I saw my therapist yesterday, and she was pretty much flabbergasted. I pretty much just told her that I tried to leave the whole situation up to God. And I just did what I knew I needed to do, and when I felt crappy about myself, I talked to other people about it instead of completely freaking out or restricting. Now, if only I could do this on a regular basis lol.

Anyways, it was really awesome getting to meet everyone and get to know them better. It was a great experience talking to some of the kids and listening to what they had to say and praying with them. I really saw God working in a lot of awesome ways. We had this one night of worship when I think God really came and touched everyone in a profound way.

We played a lot of games and we spent a lot of time looking at God's Word. We had small groups where we had our own night out to have fun (and eat ice cream...yum!) and we also had nights to go to the beach and watch the sun set and be quiet and listen to what God had to say to each of us.

I think I could write for hours and still not be able to fully capture everything that went on at Crossroads. So I guess I will suffice it to say that it was a life changing experience and I can't wait for next year!

Physics, Take II

-Edit (08/07/08)-

I finished the class...and I got a B!!! W00t! Never thought I would be so happy for a B, but I worked so hard for it!
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-Original Post (7/31/08)-


I really hate summer classes. Especially ones that are at 7:30 in the morning every day for three hours and pertain to a subject that I a) care nothing about and b) do not understand. The only good thing about this is the fact that the class is only a month long and I have less than a week left now. Thank goodness!

Overall, I am feeling pretty optimistic about the class this time. I was definitely embarrassed to have to take a class over with the same professor, but the fact of the matter is, having the same professor actually may work to my advantage. He definitely remembers me from last summer (lol); but he also can see that this time around I am making a lot more progress and grasping the concepts a lot better.

I somehow even managed a B+ on the last exam. Though, last time I checked, a 71% was not a B. At least he curves; he said that he expected the average to be around a 60 or a 70.

I was still a few points below the average grade for the exam, but honestly, I am just thrilled that I am passing. One of the other girls at my table was complaining about some mistake she had made, but she had gotten a 90% on the exam. It seemed absurd to me at the moment; but then I realized that that is exactly the same way I am when it comes to Chemistry or Psychology classes.

I wish I could say that taking the class over makes things a lot easier for me; but that is definitely not the case. I have been staying a couple hours later on lab days to work on homework and get extra help. And even with that, I have still been perpetually late with turning in my homework. But the professor basically said he didn't care when it was turned in, as long as it was getting done.

Also, it took me 3 1/2 hours to take the last exam...there were 4 problems.

It's good knowing that the fruits of my hard work are paying off.

This kind of sucks.

Things have been really busy. Which I knew they were going to be. But right now, I feel like I haven't been able to get a break at all.

It's left my mood in shambles and my body feeling the effects of too much caffiene and too little sleep in an attempt to get everything done.

I had to make the decision to stop going to my ballet class. It really sucks, but it is also kind of a relief. Ballet is something I have always loved and it was a great stress reliever, but taking the class was actually adding to my stress in a lot of ways. I haven't danced in 6 years. And it's kind of frustrating when I am trying to do something as simple as a single pirouette or an assemblé on canvas and can't even do THAT properly. Not to mention I couldn't even remember simple combinations. And I was the oldest there by far. Which shouldn't bother me, but I guess I felt that since I was the oldest one there, I should be the 'best'. I shouldn't be dancing like a beginner again.

It really does feel like a huge dissapointment right now, but my class was 6 hours a week and it was a good 45 minute drive from where I am staying now. Adding that to 15 hours of physics class a week and 20ish hours of work along with church and trying to do homework and studying really made things unbearable.

And I am sure my treatment team is happy lol. The class wasn't the best thing for me in terms of the ED. I guess I underestimated how difficult it would be to have to look at myself in a leotard in a room full of mirrors. Guess I'm not ready for that yet. And we also had ballet 'boot camp'; which was something that excited me for all the wrong reasons.

So there, thats my mini update for now.

The Fahrenheit

This is a video of Hershey Park's new rollercoaster 'The Fahrenheit'. I went on it twice when I went with the youth group last Thursday. It was awesome!