sdnah ruoy no emit hcum oot evah uoy neht ,tcejbus siht daer nac uoy fI

So one thing about my mom. She is a compulsive neat freak. Saturdays since as long as I can remember have been cleaning day where we (meaning she because we apparently don't do anything right and then she asks why we don't do anything) clean the house from top to bottom. Well I guess this isn't compulsive, it's not like she is always cleaning. But I guess for a college student, once a week to clean everything seems like too much. Or at least to some of the girls I live with. Um yeah. Thats another story I am NOT getting in to.

I'm not really a messy person. For the most part. Though maybe not according to my mom. There have been plenty of times in the past where I was wondering if all my stuff was going to end up on the front lawn.

But when you take me and add 17 credits, part time work, APO stuff, and appts 2-3 days a week at SP and stir well...well it's not too pretty. I was seriously about to have a panic attack because of the sorry state my room was in, but every time I wanted to clean it, I was too tired, buzy, lazy, whatever.

So I got out of lab at 2:30, two hours early, so I did what any normal college student wanting to clean would do. I took everything from all my drawers and closet and shelf and threw them in a pile in the middle of my floor and blasted the music and re-arranged/organized everything. So my books may not be in alphabetical order, but they are all neatly lined up and on a shelf instead of on my floor.

w00t. Simple things make me happy.

If life gives you lemons - trade them for apples

Cuz who likes lemons?? Cept maybe for that weird/cute kid Solomon I was IP with over the summer. He would seriously order lemon as a condiment with his meal and then eat it like an orange. Grossssss. But he was cute. And definitely made me laugh. But thats besides the point.

Anyways, yeah. This is the conversation I've been having with Andrew, my brother, via email. Well, part of it. I am kind of a compulsive every email has to either be in a saved folder or put in the trash so my inbox is empty. Lol. So some of the earlier emails are lost somewhere in cyberspace. I seriously wonder sometimes about his (and my) sanity.

Anyways, I let him borrow my TU ID and password for a little bit so he could download a student copy of a mathmatical program he needs for one of his advanced classes. He is in a science and mathmatics magnet school, so basically, he's already smarter than me.

I have no idea why I am blogging about this. Maybe after so many years of thinking my siblings were the biggest-royal-pains-in-the-you-know-where, and then...well deciding that maybe, somehow they aren't; maybe I started to appreciate the little quirky things about them that drove me crazy.

And Andrew if you read this, I have three words...no wait four words for you...
Hard working; Jack the Ripper.

Like I said. I have five words for you. =p

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From: smartypants@mathgenius.net
[Add to Address Book]
To: myname@somewhereovertherainbow.net
Subject: Warning!!! This e-mail may contain a virus! Approach with caution!
Date: Monday, October 16, 2006 4:29:31 PM [View Source]

I finally finished my project; so, here it is. The best news of all is that I
don't have to use Mathematica for at least another year!

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Attachment 1: *******.gif (image/gif)
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From: megan@myemailhost.net
[Add to Address Book]
To: wouldntyouliketoknow@xyz.net
Subject: Je suis une mouche sur la mur
Date: Monday, October 16, 2006 9:51:31 PM [View Source]

Haha, if that email was from anyone except you, I would have deleted it right away. But thats pretty cool. Better than I could do. Is there supposed to be a graph? When is it due? How long did it take you? Where were you on the fifth november of 1190?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: mybrother@hisemail.net
[Add to Address Book]
To: imsuchadork@abc.net
Subject: Methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphen-
Date: Tuesday, October 17, 2006 5:04:32 PM [View Source]

ylalanylalanylglutaminylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylgluta-
mylglysylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolylphenylalanylyalylthre-
onylleucylglcycylaspartylprolylglicylisoleucyglutamylgluta-
minlserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleu-
cylglutamylalanylglyclyalanylaspartylalanylleucyglutamylle-
ucylgluycylisoleucylproluylphenylalanyserylaspartyprolylleu-
celalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisolleucyglutaminylaspa-
raginylalanythreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylal-
anylglycylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphen-
ylalanylglglutamylmethionylleucyalanylleucylisoleucylarginyl-
glutaminyllysylhistidylprolyuthreonylisoleucylprolylisoleuc-
ylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasbaraginylleucyl-
valylphenylalanylsparaginyyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglut-
amylphenylalanylyltyrosylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyll-
ysylvalylglycylvalylspartylserylvalylleucylvallalanylaspart-
ylvalylprolylvalvlglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylpheny-
lalalrginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasp-
araginylvalylalalprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcystei-
nylprolyprolylaspartylalanylaspartylaspartyspartyleucylle-
ucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyroslglycylargin-
ylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginlalanyl-
glycylvalylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginyla-
nylalanylleucylprolylleucylaspaaginylhistidylleucylvalylalan-
yllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagimylalanylalanypro-
lylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenlalanylglycylisoleyucyls-
erylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisol-
eucylalspartylalanylglycylalanylalanylglycylalanylasoleucylse-
rylglycylserylalanylisoleucylbalyllysylisoleucylisoleucylgluta-
mylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpronylglu-0
tamyllysylmethionylluecylalanylalanyoeucyllysylvalylpheny-
lalanylvalylglutamilylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreo-
nylarginylserine.

haha... all of that would have been my subject, but thats all that would fit-
it consists of somwhere about 1927 letters or something like that

yeah, i figured that subject was suitable; in fact, after i sent it, i thought
you might have deleted it. that's not good because i just think i failed my
project, unless i sent my graph's other link, well it was supposed to be
this(which is way cooler), and on the fifth november of 1190, i was ride up the
pyramids of giza backwards in a tutu while selling a electron accelerator to Abu
Bakr.

(Attachments successfully scanned for viruses.)
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From: megaleg@lovesjesus.net
[Add to Address Book]
To: num_num@washisoldnickname.net
Subject: 2,6-dimethylanaline + alpha-choloroacetyl chloride + acetic acid --> alpha-cloro-dimethylacetanalide
Date: Tuesday, October 17, 2006 11:29:13 PM [View Source]

What is that?? A lipid? A protein? Where did you find that word, lol?

But anyways...I knew it! Now I can FINALLY prove that it was me who did it in the conservatory with the rope. =)

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P.S. Can you tell I was bored? Pay a little closer attention to the email addresses. I wasn't sure if he wanted his email all over the internet so I decided to 'fix' it.

P.S.S. Please don't call the men in the white coats on us...they weren't very nice last time. And the room wasn't bouncy like I thought, it was smelly. *nods*

Je suis un petit étranger bleu

Yep. You guessed it. More lyrics. Am I hopeless or what? I seriously don't know how I lived without music before. I didn't really start listening to music besides what my parents listened to until high school.

Oh. And I was killed by my assasinator. =( Oh well. I hadn't really done anything to get the guy I was supposed to.

"Broken Heart" - Falling Up
In this moment synchronized inside
Words that paint the legacy of life
A different picture will unfold
A healing finds it's way through
Sifted times I take another breathe,
With an ambience of nothing left
So heal my heart, rain down Your Love, these waters bring me back to life

Chorus:
Father, Healer
Deliver me from broken love
Stay here, closer
Let me hear Your voice of Love

There's a Healing calling from the wind
There's a Healer waiting to begin
In timeless places, traced and faceless will I learn to let go
Take me to the heights where Love controls,
Far away from home but feels so close
This empty heart of mine will fall inside and bring me back to life

Chorus

You can hold
You can mend
You can heal
You can break, I hold cause something etched this way

Chorus

Savior, Redeemer
Bring me to this place of peace
Jesus, guard it,
My broken heart is so in need

I am a broken vessel. My heart is weak and small and shattered and the love I can offer is inconsistent and wavering and insufficient. It is nothing compared to God's.

NG tubes really suck

Yeah, I might end up deleting this pretty soon, it is speaking of things too personal. But if you read/watch this could you please just say something even if its just 'hey that was good info' or 'ok, yeah delete this i dont want to see this stuff' Because when I post stuff like this and I see people are visiting my site but nobody says a word, I start thinking that they are just looking at this and thinking 'Wow what a weirdo/freak. Note to self...never speak to this person again...run away now.'



This is not a diet.
This is not a good way to drop a few pounds before prom or your vacation or your big date.
This is not a lifestyle.
This is not fun.
This is not glamourous.
This is not my way of sticking it to The Man.
This is not a game. It will screw with your life.
This is not something that can be given up easily.
This is not a way to boost your popularity.
This is not a way to make your peers envy you.
This does not make you strong.
This does not make you special.
This won't give you control.
This won't make you beautiful.
This does not go away when you hit XX pounds.
This does not bring you happiness.
This does not bring you positive attention.
This does not fullfill your every dream.
This does not define you.
This isn't fun when you can't walk straight.
This is not fun when you realize you've lost control and can't find yourself anymore.
This is not fun when your bruised from head to toe from falling over every day, day after day.
This is not a sickness that can be meassured in amounts of pounds lost, percentages underweight, or BMI's, but it's in the mind.
This is not cool.
This is not something you choose.
This is not something to be proud of .
This is not something you learn to do.
This is not "just a phase".
This is not about a cookie.
This is not even about 10 cookies.
This is not a pretty font or a website.
This is not a "new" thing.
This is not who I am.
This is not a trend.
This is not something I just "got", like a virus.
This is not the answer.
This is not funny.
This is not something you can control.
This isn't who you want to be.
This isn't fun when you're preoccupied with numbers.
This won't make you look like a model.
This will not make you love yourself.
This is not ever under your control.
This is not a game.
This is not satisfying.
This is not something I wake up and just decide to become.
This did not come out of nowhere.
This is not socially acceptable.
This isn't normal.
This is not some "quick fix", it'll stay with you forever.
This is not some club.
This isn't something you aspire to be.
This is not easy.
This will not make you feel good about yourself.
This is not something you do for someone else.
This is not something you ask for tips to learn.
This is not fair.
This is not a way to live, it's a way to die.

As far as control; When you can eat what you like whenever you like, thats being in control. When you can consciously choose between a salad and cheeseburger without having to do the math in your head of how many miles you'd have to run to burn off each --Then you have control.

But this IS something that there is an end to...if you choose.

Edit:
Yeah, just wanted to put reasoning behind this post. It's not something I like talking about, especially because I don't have all the anwers and I don't have everything figured out and heck I don't talk about it because I have gotten my share of weirded-out looks and 'why don't you just eat a cheeseburger' comments. It's not something I take lightly (you should see me freak out on my friends who start having bad eating habits. not a pretty sight). It is something that was really real to me for a long time. There was a time when I had so much in common with those girls. I still have some things in common. Just watching that stuff bring up a lot of thoughts and feelings.

I have seen others go through this and I'd be lying if I said that I didn't have some people close to me that I am terrified are going to die because of this. Its so easy to think that losing a few pounds or doing whatever to look better, or WHATEVER, is going to make things better. It doesn't. If I can help one person not go through this, then I will say this over and over for as long as it takes.

People see this stuff on the news and think 'wow I want to look like this.' or 'i'll be more sucessful or people will respect me if I look this way.' It's not true. I mean, who do you admire most in life? Why? Is it because of what they weigh or what they look like? No, it's because of other things like their kindness, honesty, courage, morality, etc.

And this disease doesn't happen overnight. And it can't be fixed overnight. In fact...it can't be "fixed." It's like you wake up one morning and you don't know how things will ever be normal again, whatever normal is.

Homework is fun

If you call making your brain hurt fun.

...

Ok, so have you ever thought about what or where you would max out your credit card or like if you won a contest, what you would love to win? Of course you have. I was thinking (I know, dangerous, right?) and I realized that what I would want is...a lifetime supply of Light N Fit yogurt. No...seriously. Yes, I am insane, we have established that, right? I'm not joking though. Like you know how they offer like a lifetime supply of...ummm...well I dont know, but DO I know they offer a lifetime supply of something if you are the super lucky winner of a contest.

I am obsessed with this stuff! It's amazing, and I eat like one or two a day. And every time I have to go to the grocery store, I always have to buy like 8 or 10 yogurts. I should buy the big containers, but thats no fun because I don't get all the good flavors.

Ok, ok, yeah, I guess I have no life, considering that the topic of this blog is yogurt.

If I were a peanut butter and jelly sandwich...

So I was walking to work and well I was getting kind of into a song so I was mouthing the words and stuff. I got a lot of wicked awesome "Wow, she's crazy! What locked ward did she escape from?" looks (...if only they knew...). So yeah, good times, good times.

And then I found 5 bucks :-) Lol, j/k. That wasn't even a bad story. I hope.

Sanctus Real - "Everything About You"
Be my light in the darkened room
I'm on my face and I'm calling you
I can't fathom all you've done for me
Everytime it finds me on my knees
Like sunlight in the winter cold

Everything about you, it takes my breath
Away...Hallelujah
I tried this waltz without you and
I watched my great mistake...Hallelujah

Questions fade when you invade
You chase all my fears away
With your love in my atmosphere
All confusion disappears

And nothing but your truth remains

Questions fade, you remain
You are color on a page of white, bright
Like eyes beneath black lights
Like a glowing city on the plains, you call
My name

Hallelujah

Oh and don't ask how the title relates to this. Cuz heck if I know. :-)

I think I've been associating with my brother too much. He's been emailing me and his subject lines are the most random things ever. But its really good, cuz it gives me excuse to say really weird things too...or in other words be a miss-know-it-all, lol. He was telling me the funniest word he knew (absquatulate), so I let him know the weirdest I knew (lithium-tri-tert-butoxyaluminum hydride) and what it did. Or also, his last subject line was in French (hes a freshman in HS) so I started spouting off the answer to his question in French (I've taken 5 years and just a little more fluent than him).

Fall Retreat 06

Well I got back on Sunday from a retreat with Cru to Summit Lake for Fall Retreat. It was amazing. It just really emphasized that my view of God will never been big enough because how can you describe something infinte with finite words? I need to remember this stuff; its just so mind-blowing. The God who holds all the water (3.6 TRILLION gallons) in his hand and traces the galaxy with his palm. And he cares for me. How cool is that? I'm just speechless.

Plus we serenaded the guys with "I Want It That Way." Theres a picture, but I look really bad in it, so I won't put it up. But I will put up the youtube for their video, I realized I never had. Cracks me up every time.



And of course, I have to post some lyrics. Thats what having your Ipod playing on shuffle with 964 songs will do to you when you're walking like 2 hours a day and need something to listen to. Lots and lots of cool songs. w00t.


"Simply" - Pillar
I've made it so hard on myself, turning my back on how You felt
Seeing a lie that led me on, leaving a love that did no wrong
That's what it took for me to say

That You simply love
Despite all the stupid things I've done
It's hard to remember
That You simply love
Even though I know not what I've done
It's hard to remember
That You simply love

I've tried to do all this on my own
Not thinking once of what You've shown
All that I've done has blinded me
To everything that You have for me
I want You to know that I finally see

I don't know why I can't understand
I don't know why I can't comprehend

Asassins

YAY. I get to kill people :-D Lol. Well, not really, but it's still fun.

Our apartment complex is having a game called Assassins, where 40 people signed up to play. We all had our pictures taken and our picture was given to someone else. Whoever got your pic was supposed to 'kill' you (by hitting with a clean sock rolled into a ball). And then you get their target. So I have my first victim. Mwahahaha.

And is it wrong that I'm using the fact that at my job I can look up peoples schedules to help me figure out how to get them? You can't kill them when they're in class, but as soon as they walk out they're fair target. Eh. Well it hasn't helped me yet. But I've been too busy to do any serious plotting.

So I'm off now... (insert james bond music)

Something like laughter

Haha, yeah I know that it seems like the only thing I use this thing for is to post lyrics of different songs. Deal with it.

In my defense, with me living in TR this year, I've been spending between 1 and 3 hours a day just walking to class and places. So I've been listening to my Ipod a lot. Lol.

Anyways its a good thing that I've been walking so much cuz I'm sure I would have gained 50 pounds by now if I wasnt with the way I've been eating. Blahh.

Anyways, if you are into Ska at all, you should listen to this group, they are really awesome. And they have a lot of funny songs too...one I particuarly enjoy is one called "Wizard Needs Food...Badly" :-)

"Something Like Laughter" - Five Iron Frenzy
People say they know a girl
Who's lost her way, she's always angry
No one bothers to ask her
What she hears or what she hopes for
The air is cold, she lives alone
And tires of being her only provider
She can't fathom grace tonight
No not tonight, it's not an option

Searching for more than mere tastes of living water
Tired eyes tend to wander, seek the light
Create in her a sense of awe that sees Your beauty
Let Your splendor flash with blinding light

Cities slowly suffocate
What once was bright is now moth-eaten
As young girls filter thoughts that once were
Fresh now worn and beaten
Clutching pity like a prize
To her side her fingers grow weary
He cares so much for sparrows
Won't He toss something out my way?

Searching for more than mere lies disguised as dogma
Tired eyes tend to wander, seek the light
Create in her a sense of awe that sees Your beauty
Let Your splendor flash with blinding light
Standing tall, all the aspen trees drink water
As the rain falls down like laughter from the sky

Worlds Apart

This is like my all-time FAVORITE song. It's amazing. Period.

"Worlds Apart" - Jars of Clay

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

Strength in weakness

The sermon this morning was how God uses weaknesses to show His strength. It just really really struck me this morning, because I can see that SO much in my life! The example given was a man who as a young child, could not speak his 'r''s and was uncomfortable saying something as simple as his name (Mark). But God used this weakness and turned it to amazing strength, as he is a pastor and public speaks on a regular basis. How awesome is that?

And yeah. I mean, here I am, the girl who never spoke up in class, or anywhere. Or if I did, I had to say what I wanted to say two or three times because nobody could hear me. My family would always comment on how I wouldn't even talk at family functions. I was the reader, the one who never was social or even remotely outgoing. Here was a girl who since the age of 15, had stopped using her voice, and started using her body as a way to express all the hurt she was feeling. Here's a girl who didn't even KNOW what she was feeling most of the time!! And God has turned my greatest weakness into one of my most valued strengths. I mean, it's not like I am always outgoing (far from it, I am always forcing myself into social situations), or always speak my mind or even have the right things to say. But I've been saying them. God has shown me how to use my voice and not be ashamed of it (some of the time, lol).

Wow. Just wow. I'm just astounded now that I really think of it.

2 Corinthians 4:7 - But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.

Roadtrip

Soooo, why on earth would I decide on a whim to go to Philadelphia with a couple of my roommates and some other people at 9:30 PM on a Wednesday night, when I know I have work at 8 am plus a really busy day the next day?

To go get cheesesteaks and run up the stairs of the Art Museum (the ones from Rocky) of course!!! Duhhh. And to go run around in a huge fountain at midnight and avoid getting arrested.

Wellllll not the last one, but that was just cuz I was freezing! If it were warmer, I seriously think I would have...it's kind of funny to me how I'll do things like walking the streets of Philly late at night (or even I guess walking back from my night class alone), or other crazy stuff without giving it much of a second thought, but I can't do something that so many people do with hardly a second thought without me freaking out and being self-destructive.

Maybe I'm just crazy, lol. Whatever. I don't usually do spontaneous things and I really enjoyed myself. A couple of my friends were talking about how they came to college for the main purpose of getting to know people better and having a good time. Um, yeah. That never really crossed my mind. I always thought I was at college to go to class. Which might explain why I can be so boring, haha.

Part of me wishes that I had that mentality, but then part of me kinda likes my dorky-ness; i.e. getting all excited over learning new things and not feeling satisfied with myself unless I'm taking a full load and getting good grades. I suppose it's all about priorities. Like one of Di's is to get arrested for doing something stupid. LOL.

So anyways, I swear, the coolest things happen when I'm with Di. She happened to mention to the guy in front of her in line that she had never been to Philly and she had never had a cheesesteak and he bought her one! And the guy who was taking orders actually used to live in Towson.

Now I'm going to try and not fall asleep at work.


PS...totally unrelated, but check this out, it's a column by Dave Barry I read today. And that article basically correlates with my knowledge of Geography.

Update on life

Ok, yeah. God is AMAZING. I was able to share the gospel with 3 people this past week! It was really encouraging, because it is something that I have a ton of trouble with, because I am worried I'll say something stupid or whatever. I just need to remember when I'm doing that, its not ME talking, its GOD.

Anyways, I met this guy, B, when I was hanging out with friends on Friday night, and this guy asked if I wanted to hang out on Sunday. I wasn't doing anything, and I knew he wasn't a stalker or anything, lol, so I was like, ok, sure. He brought a friend, J. We went to Pizza Hut and then back to my apartment. Nadeau was there and everyone started talking. Then Di came too. And the topic just turned to religion.

Then Tuesday B called and wanted to know if I wanted to hang out again and I thought 'sure why not'? I had a night class, and I kind of had wanted a chance to unwind a little bit before doing more work. So B came and brought his friend G. Anyways, we were all talking and everyone except me was Jewish. And somehow, the conversation turned to religion again.

But I did recognize that Tuesday when I was giving my testimony, the perfect words just came. There were awkward parts where I didn't know exactly what to say, but I actually think thats maybe what God wanted because I think it may have shown them that I'm not perfect and I don't know all the answers, or something. I don't know. The most awesome thing though, is the first time, I was really nervous, but Nadeau and Di were there to help me. And the second time, I was still nervous, but G I was talking to was really receptive, he knew a lot and seemed to really want a relationship with God He has a better heart than some people I know that say they are Christian. And J seems like he wants to come to church with me some day!

So that was really encouraging. I am just praying that B will become interested too. He seems really set in being Jewish, even though he is not practicing. I just want them to know that you can have a relationship with God, and it's not about rules, its about freedom =)

On a side note...my hands are purple and green. One of the things APO (Alpha Phi Omega, nat'l service fraternity) was doing last night was tye-dying pillowcases for breast cancer patients. Of course, I got the dye all over my hands. Oops? Anyways, the cloth is still drying, but if anyone is interested in helping me stitch them up, let me know!

Beauty from Pain

"Beauty from Pain" - Superchic(k)
The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I've died

And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God let me walk through this place

And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

Here and I am at the end of me (at the end of me)
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise there will be a dawn

Most Likely to Have a Nervous Breakdown Before the End of the Semester

So...yeah. Guess who has just been voted "Most Likely to Have a Nervous Breakdown Before the End of the Semester"? Well, ok, it wasn't me, but still, I think you get the point.

I mean, I am doing better health-wise than I have done in...goodness...years, prolly since early high school. That I am thrilled about, but I'm just worried that it is too good to last. Every time thing seem to be going really well, I get nervous, because I know it all comes crashing back down on my head.

Anyways, I'm just not sure how I am going to manage with school and actually have a life. But then again, who want's something as silly as a social life when you can be buried under a ton of textbooks?

I don't know. Maybe I'm pushing it...again. I alway seem to overextend myself. I just don't want to be overloaded. But I am taking 5 classes, 2 with lab (Calculus, Orgo II). So with just those two classes, I have 4 hours of Calculus with lecture and lab, and with Orgo, I have 3 hours of lecture and 4 hours of lab, making my total 7 hours just in that class! So for those two classes, I am using up 11 hours. Well, maybe not. A lot of times Organic lab doesn't take the whole time. Plus 3 more classes, Computers and Creativity (3 hrs/wk), Abnormal Psych (3 hours/wk) and Adolescent Psych (3 hrs/wk).

Sound tough enough? I haven't even started.

I know I am having weekly homework and weekly lab reports for Calculus (not to mention I seriously CANNOT remember a single thing from when I took it last...too many cobwebs). And it's a night class. I hate night classes. The good thing is I am going to have at least of a little head's up, because I already know Mathematica, and I saved all the labs from freshman year. FYI, I didn't fail Calc, I got a C in it, and I am re-taking it only because I found out I need to also take Calc II, and like I said, right now I don't remember the difference between and integer and an integral (lol, j/k). Plus pharmacy school is really competitive, so I wouldn't mind boosting my GPA a little bit.

Then for Organic Chem II, well, I wasn't doing really well when I took Organic Chem I. The only reason I really got a good grade was because Dr. W was an easy grader. And I rock at nomenclature. Lol. And I dropped Dr. R's class last semester because of my 'mandatory break.' So I have a lot to learn. And we also have pre-labs and lab reports and lab discussion questions every week.

Umm, well I guess with the rest of the classes, it should be easier, nothing I am seriously worried about, but I know I have a lot of reading from Abnormal Psych. On a lighter note, I think it is the BEST class ever. Haha. I am actually excited about the 5 page paper we have to write. I swear, if I thought that I would make a good therapist, I would so switch my major. (Btw for those of you who actually care, I added a minor to my Pre-Pharmacy major last year, so thats why I am taking these classes.)

So sounds like I am going to be busy, huh? Still not done. Since I am in an apartment this year, it now takes me a good 15-20 minutes to walk to the science building. As opposed to 5 from the dorms, like 10 to the math. I mean, it's not that long of a walk, but it kind of adds up, walking back and forth to classes. And my classes aren't blocked except one day, so I pretty much want to go back to my apt. after class. THEN, I have 2 appointments a week to go to. I dont have a car. So it takes me 30 minutes to walk there. So thats 2 hours a week I spend just walking. And another 2 hours for the appointments themselves.

And also, I am involved with APO and Cru, so that takes up time (but I actually enjoy this time, but the only thing is it is less time for me to do work)

Got all that? Ok, now add 10 hours of work per week. Ok, ok, so I shouldn't complain, I couldn't have a better job. I am a help desk specialist, so I just answer student's computer problems. Some of the time, I don't have a darn thing to do. So I can study, read, whatever. I just need to discipline myself to do work when I'm not busy there, instead of Facebook or whatever.

Ok, I'm done whining. I'm sure I'm being a crybaby, and most of you have it worse than me. Lol.

Caroline

"Caroline" - Seventh Day Slumber

Where do I begin?
There's so much I want to say to make it easier
Tomorrow's on its way
Do you beileve I want to take your painful memories?

I know you want to run away
I know that you can't see tomorrow

Caroline
Let me wipe away your tears, and give you life
Make you feel beautiful again
Caroline
Don't throw it all away
I'm here tonight, to take away your pain

Yesterday is gone and
Everything that made you cry has fallen to the ground
I'm here to bring you home
I will always take you back
You haven't let me down

I know you want to run away
I know that you can't see tomorrow

Caroline
Let me wipe away your tears, and give you life
Make you feel beautiful again
Caroline
Don't throw it all away
I'm here tonight, to take away your pain

And when you're feeling all alone and you can't go on
Remember I am here
And when you think you've gone too far
I'll meet you where you are
My arms are open wide

Caroline
Let me wipe away your tears, and give you life
Make you feel beautiful again
Caroline
Don't throw it all away
I'm here tonight, to take away your pain

Caroline
Let me wipe away your tears, and give you life
Make you feel beautiful again
Caroline
Don't throw it all away
I'm here tonight, to take away your pain

Caroline

This is a call

TFK - "This is a Call"

She fooled all of her friends into thinking she's so strong
But she still sleeps with the light on
And she acts like it's all right on, as she smiles again
And her mother lies there sick with cancer
And her friends don't understand her
She's a question without answers
Who feels like falling apart.
She knows, she's so much more than worthless
She needs to find a purpose,
She wonders what she did to deserve this

CHORUS
She's calling out to you
This is a call, this is a call out
Cause everytime I fall down, I reach out to you
And I'm losing all control now
And my hazard signs are all out
I'm asking you to show me what this life is all about

And he tells everyone a story,
Cause he thinks his life is boring
And he fights so ou won't ignore him,
Cause that's his biggest fear
And he cries, but you'll rarely see him do it
And he loves but he's scared to use it
So he hides behind the music
Cause he likes it that way
And he knows, he's so much more than worthless
He needs to find the surface
Cause he's starting to get nervous

CHORUS

Have you ever felt this way before
Cause I don't wanna hide here anymore
Take me to a place where nothing's wrong
And thanks for coming, shut the door
And they say some one out there sees us,
Well if you're real, then save me Jesus
Cause I've been this way for far too long
I wasn't meant to feel alone

CHORUS

Show me what this life is all about
Show me what this life is all about

Cupcakes

Ok, so how cool is Di? She has an amazing heart; she decided that we should make cupcakes for everyone on our floor. It was fun. I had a bite of the batter and it was sooo yummy haha.

So today is the first day of classes. And my first class is Organic II. Funnnnn. And then Adolescent Psych for 3 hours. Woohoo...I can't retain my excitement. Ha.

But this evening our apt is having a potluck (organized by Di of course), it should be great fun =)

The only problem is my pots aren't lucky...Yeah, yeah. I know. Not even remotely funny.

Edit:

Well the potluck was really fun. There were TON of people there, it was cool. The only thing is I need to learn how to be more social at social gatherings, lol. I just always feel so awkward around large groups of people. I hung around from like 7 to 10 and now I'm just in my room reading. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so introverted. Well it's not like anyone missed me when I left, haha.

The Nuthouse

Woohoo. Well I finally moved into my apartment yesterday, officially known as The Nuthouse. I'm living with 7 other awesome girls, and it is a lot better than the dorms. Those were basically like living in a box. My room is a lot bigger than last year, and we have a common room and a kitchen.

It's definitely different from living at home. No cartoons on at all hours of the day, and when I got up at 9 am, I was the first one up, lol. People in my house are usually up around 6:30 or 7.

I'm just glad that I am back at college =) Went to Grace Fellowship this morning, really awesome service.

And then I went to Target with Nadeau, and she definitely took some other person's cart and didnt notice till we got to the checkout. Then Cru had an ice cream social, 'twas fun. Felt like I was gonna fall asleep for some reason...but it was fun. I guess unpacking kinda takes it out of me.

I'm just sad because this semester I have a Thursday night Calculus class...so I cant go to meetings :-( Who needs Calc?

Mamma Mia!

Ok, so I have come to the conclusion that my mom's insurance officially hates me and I don't think there is any way any company will ever give me health insurance, lol. Oh well, at least she's getting her money's worth for it.

Just got my bill...and my insurance paid for $19,791.20. Woahhhhhhh. Thats a lotta money. I don't even want to think about how much they've paid for me overall these past couple years. All I know is it would buy a lot of coffee from Starbucks, lol.

Psalms

Well I was just going through the book of psalms again...and all I can say is wow. It has always been my favorite, and it's the one I seem to always gravitate towards when I need some comfort. And what I find really cool is a lot of the psalms they have in there reflect just how I am feeling [at least now]. I guess it's know that ya know, it's not just me...

Psalm 13

1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.


Psalm 42
1 As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.

2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

3 My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

4 These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.

5 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and 6 my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

7 Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

8 By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.

9 I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"

10 My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

11 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
Psalm 77
This is by far my favorite passage in the bible =)
Psalm 25
1 To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul;

2 in you I trust, O my God.
Do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.

3 No one whose hope is in you
will ever be put to shame,
but they will be put to shame
who are treacherous without excuse.

4 Show me your ways, O LORD,
teach me your paths;

5 guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.

6 Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.

7 Remember not the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you are good, O LORD.

8 Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.

9 He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them his way.

10 All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful
for those who keep the demands of his covenant.

11 For the sake of your name, O LORD,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great.

12 Who, then, is the man that fears the LORD ?
He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.

13 He will spend his days in prosperity,
and his descendants will inherit the land.

14 The LORD confides in those who fear him;
he makes his covenant known to them.

15 My eyes are ever on the LORD,
for only he will release my feet from the snare.

16 Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.

17 The troubles of my heart have multiplied;
free me from my anguish.

18 Look upon my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.

19 See how my enemies have increased
and how fiercely they hate me!

20 Guard my life and rescue me;
let me not be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.

21 May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope is in you.

22 Redeem Israel, O God,
from all their troubles!

Anthology et cetera

So well while I was cleaning my room, I found something that I hadn't seen in a good long while: my anthology from AP English 12. I was afraid to look at it because I never have been satisfied with my own writing and anything I try to do that is creative, I am always worried will turn out a horrible disaster. In fact, if I remember correctly, I think the personal anthology we were required to complete was the main reason I was going to just do CM. But, I ended up with schedule conflicts, and the only English that would fit was AP. But in the end I am actually very glad I took the class, my teacher, Mr. O, was seriously an AMAZING teacher, and I think he helped me become a better writer.

Anyways, I was looking at some of the works I found, and this was one that I found particuarly humorous. And I think it has a pretty good moral too.


"Some of Us Had Been Threatening Our Friend Colby" - Donald Barthelme

Some of us had been threatening our friend Colby for a long time, because of the way he had been behaving. And now he'd gone too far, so we decided to hang him. Colby argued that just because he had gone too far (he did not deny that he had gone too far) did not mean that he should be subjected to hanging. Going too far, he said, was something everybody did sometimes. We didn't pay much attention to this argument. We asked him what sort of music he would like played at the hanging. He said he'd think about it but it would take him a while to decide. I pointed out that we'd have to know soon, because Howard, who is a conductor, would have to hire and rehearse the musicians and he couldn't begin until he knew what the music was going to be. Colby said he'd always been fond of Ives's Fourth Symphony. Howard said that this was a "delaying tactic" and that everybody knew that the Ives was almost impossible to perform and would involve weeks of rehearsal, and that the size of the orchestra and chorus would put us way over the music budget. "Be reasonable," he said to Colby. Colby said he'd try to think of something a little less exacting.

Hugh was worried about the wording of the invitations. What if one of them fell into the hands of the authorities? Hanging Colby was doubtless against the law, and if the authorities learned in advance what the plan was they would very likely come in and try to mess everything up. I said that although hanging Colby was almost certainly against the law, we had a perfect moral right to do so because he was our friend, belonged to us in various important senses, and he had after all gone too far. We agreed that the invitations would be worded in such a way that the person invited could not know for sure what he was being invited to. We decided to refer to the event as "An Event Involving Mr. Colby Williams." A handsome script was selected from a catalogue and we picked a cream-colored paper. Magnus said he'd see to having the invitations printed, and wondered whether we should serve drinks. Colby said he thought drinks would be nice but was worried about the expense. We told him kindly that the expense didn't matter, that we were after all his dear friends and if a group of his dear friends couldn't get together and do the thing with a little bit of eclat, why, what was the world coming to? Colbv asked if he would be able to have drinks, too, before the event. We said,"Certainly."

The next item of business was the gibbet. None of us knew too much about gibbet design, but Tomas, who is an architect, said he'd look it up in old books and draw the plans. The important thing, as far as he recollected, was that the trapdoor function perfectly. He said that just roughly, counting labor and materials, it shouldn't run us more than four hundred dollars. "Good God !" Howard said. He said what was Tomas figuring on, rosewood? No, just a good grade of pine, Tomas said. Victor asked if unpainted pine wouldn't look kind of "raw," and Tomas replied that he thought it could be stained a dark walnut without too much trouble.

I said that although I thought the whole thing ought to be done really well and all, I also thought four hundred dollars for a gibbet, on top of the expense for the drinks, invitations, musicians, and everything, was a bit steep, and why didn't we just use a tree -- a nice-looking oak, or something? I pointed out that since it was going to be a June hanging the trees would be in glorious leaf and that not only would a tree add a kind of "natural" feeling but it was also strictly traditional, especially in the West. Tomas, who had been sketching gibbets on the backs of envelopes, reminded us that an outdoor hanging always had to contend with the threat of rain. Victor said he liked the idea of doing it outdoors, possibly on the bank of a river but noted that we would have to hold it some distance from the city, which presented the problem of getting the guests, musicians, etc., to the site and then back to town.

At this point everybody looked at Harry, who runs a car-and-truck-rental business. Harry said he thought he could round up enough limousines to take care of that end but that the drivers would have to be paid. The drivers, he pointed out, wouldn't be friends of Colby's and couldn't be expected to donate their services, any more than the bartender or the musicians. He said that he had about ten limousines, which he used mostly for funerals, and that he could probably obtain another dozen by calling around to friends of his in the trade. He said also that if we did it outside, in the open air, we'd better figure on a tent or awning of some kind to cover at least the principals and the orchestra, because if the hanging was being rained on he thought it would look kind of dismal. As between gibbet and tree, he said, he had no particular preferences and he really thought that the choice ought to be left up to Colby, since it was his hanging. Colby said that everybody went too far, sometimes, and weren't we being a little Draconian? Howard said rather sharply that all that had already been discussed, and which did he want, gibbet or tree? Colby asked if he could have a firing squad. No, Howard said, he could not. Howard said a firing squad would just be an ego trip for Colby, the blindfold and last-cigarette bit, and that Colby was in enough hot water already without trying to "upstage" everyone with unnecessary theatrics. Colby said he was sorry, he hadn't meant it that way, he'd take the tree. Tomas crumpled up the gibbet sketches he'd been making, in disgust.

Then the question of the hangman came up. Pete said did we really need a hangman? Because if we used a tree, the noose could be adjusted to the appropriate level and Colby could just jump off something -- a chair or stool or something. Besides, Pete said, he very much doubted if there were any free-lance hangmen wandering around the country, now that capital punishment has been done away with absolutely, temporarily, and that we'd probably have to fly one in from England or Spain or one of the South American countries, and even if we did that how could we know in advance that the man was a professional, a real hangman, and not just some money-hungry amateur who might bungle the job and shame us all, in front of every body? We all agreed then that Colby should just jump off something and that a chair was not what he should jump off of, because that would look, we felt, extremely tacky -- some old kitchen chair sitting out there under our beautiful tree. Tomas, who is quite modern in outlook and not afraid of innovation, proposed that Colby be standing on a large round rubber ball ten feet in diameter. This, he said, would afford a sufficient "drop" and would also roll out of the way if Colby suddenly changed his mind after jumping off. He reminded us that by not using a regular hangman we were placing an awful lot of the responsibility for the success of the affair on Colby himself, and that although he was sure Colby would perform creditably and not disgrace his friends at the last minute, still, men have been known to get a little irresolute at times like that, and the ten-foot-round rubber ball, which could probably be fabricated rather cheaply, would insure a "bang-up" pro duction right down to the wire.

At the mention of "wire," Hank, who had been silent all this time, suddenly spoke up and said he wondered if it wouldn't be better if we used wire instead of rope -- more efficient and in the end kinder to Colby, he suggested. Colby began looking a little green, and I didn't blame him, because there is something extremely distasteful in think ing about being hanged with wire instead of rope -- it gives you sort of a revulsion, when you think about it. I thought it was really quite unpleasant of Hank to be sitting there talking about wire, just when we had solved the problem of what Colby was going to jump off of so neatly, with Tomas's idea about the rubber ball, so I hastily said that wire was out of the question, because it would injure the tree -- cut into the branch it was tied to when Colby's full weight hit it -- and that in these days of increased respect for the environment, we didn't want that, did we? Colby gave me a grateful look, and the meeting broke up. Everything went off very smoothly on the day of the event (the music Colby finally picked was standard stuff, Elgar, and it was played very well by Howard and his boys). It didn't rain, the event was well attended, and we didn't run out of Scotch, or anything. The ten-foot rubber ball had been painted a deep green and blended in well with the bucolic setting. The two things I remember best about the whole episode are the grateful look Colby gave me when I said what I said about the wire, and the fact that nobody has ever gone too far again.

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

The Eleventh Hour

Well I have to say that Jars of Clay has always been my favorite band...I have all their CDs and I could probably name the order of all the songs on most of their CDs. Pretty pathetic, huh? Oh well. I love this song =)

Jars of Clay - "The Eleventh Hour"

Trace the shape of my heart, till it becomes more familiar to your eyes.
I've been lost without you, cold without your love.
It's taken days and nights to make me realize.

Rescue me from hanging on this line.
I won't give up on giving you the chance to blow my mind.
Let the eleventh hour quickly pass me by.
I'll find you when I think I'm out of time.

Take the place of my heart, till I become a stranger to my life.
I've been down without you, wrong without your love.
In time will I be what you're thinking of?

Rescue me from hanging on this line.
I won't give up on giving you the chance to blow my mind.
Let the eleventh hour quickly pass me by.
I'll find you when I think I'm out of time.

I've been down without you, cold without your love.
In time will I be what your thinking of?

Rescue me from hanging on this line.
I won't give up on giving you the chance to blow my mind.
Let the eleventh hour quickly pass me by.
I'll find you when I think I'm out of time.

Jump

I screwed up. I'm admitting it. I don't like admitting it. Because of course I can handle this all by myself. And to admit I screwed up again will mean everyone will hate me, right? They'll give up on me, abandon me, lose all touch cept for a strained hey how are you thats great once or twice a year. Like so many others.

So yeah. I'm gonna try and challenge that. I hope.

But now, finally, I want to do something about it.

Right now I feel like the prodigal son. But I guess pride has kept me from going back to grace. And fear. Definitely fear.

I want to jump. But I'm so scared that He won't catch me. I know He will, He always does. But it doesn't make the fear go away.

I reached out though, and Jen challenged me. It was good to get her perspective. I was scared, but she didn't judge me. And I am definitely going to follow through with my challenge. =] Backtracking sucks, but somehow I know I will be so much stronger after this. I hope.

Insomnia

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I seriously hate this stupid insomnia I've had this summer. Its like I have only been able to sleep for like 5 or 6 hours. Like if I decide I'm gonna go to bed at 10, then I wake up at like 3 am and cant go back to sleep. And not to mention that the only way I fall asleep in the first place is after taking the medicine Dr. Gaffney prescribed me. Otherwise I toss and turn all night and dont get a wink of sleep. I remember freshman year trying to go to bed around 12 or 1 and then giving up around 4 or 5 and just getting on the computer till class. I thought the main problem college kids were supposed to have were sleeping too MUCH! Ah well, maybe I'll be able to resume my sleeping in once I get back on campus.

P.S. I saw Snakes on a Plane on Sunday, and I wasn't able to decide if it was really funny or really stupid.

OC and getting ready for school

Well I had an awesome time at the beach =]

I used my ITrip and got to listen to my Ipod on the radio the whole way down. Which was prolly a good thing, my mom was getting upset because they changed the route so you just take 13 south, and dont use 113, and her getting upset was making ME upset. So other than the panic attack I had right after getting to the condo [grr to Dr. C. for taking away Klonopin as a PRN. ah well, I guess he's the doctor and not meeee], I had a great time.

My brother and sister are such party-poopers though!! Melissa didn't come down to the beach even once. She spent the whole time in the room watching TV and the only time she came out was to go to dinner, and she went putt-putt with us twice. And Andrew came down to the beach 2 times I think, but left after like an hour. Oh well, I got to relax on the beach and I finally have a little COLOR. I'm not as pale as a sheet for once, haha. I'm kind of surprised though because I burn really easily, and I wear like SPF 45 suntan lotion, so I wasn't sure if I would get any tan at all.

I am just really happy that I got a break from work. I don't know why, but those 9 hour days really really get to me! I guess its cuz I really hate my job (even though the pay is AMAZING). But the good thing, is I finally quit my job, yay!!

And now I have the whole week to pack for school. My room looks like a tornado hit it, haha. But I am sooooooooooooooo PSYCHED. I have the most AWESOME roommates in the whole entire WORLD and I can't wait to be living in the 'nuthouse'. We decided every room is going to have a 'nut' theme, and mine and my roommates is going to be 'Music Nuts'. It works PERFECT for me. I am like obsessed with music, even though its not my major, I can't play my clarinet to save my life. But I have like a million posters to bring. And plus I miss all my awesome friends time a million and want to see them so much!

Toodles!
Megaleg

Homesick

"Homesick" - MercyMe
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

blah, Tx is getting frustratinggggggg.

Believe

Well on the way to work this morning, the first song I turned on really brightened my day; partially because I am IN LOVE with Stephen Curtis Chapman, and partly cuz the song I heard just made me feel happy. Plus Mac Powell has THE best voice EVER =]

It's funny how music can really affect my mood. I think it's because it's like these singers/songwriters are able to put what I am feeling into words better than I ever could.

This is evidenced by the fact most of the time people (especially my old therapist) are like 'How are you today?' and I'm like 'I don't know...' Haha. I seriously don't know how I would survive without music.

Seriously, it's what keeps me from going insane at work, or when I was in high school doing 14 chapters worth of book notes for Mrs. Hejl over Christmas Break (grumble, grumble).

"Believe Me Now" - Stephen Curtis Chapman
I watch you looking out
Across the raging water
So sure your only hope
Lies on the other side
You hear the enemy
That's closing in around you
And I know
That you don't have the strength to fight
But do you
Have the faith to stand?
And...

[Chorus:]
Believe Me now
Believe Me here
Remember all the times I've told you loud and clear
I am with you and I am for you
So believe Me now
Believe Me now

I am the One who waved my hand
And split the ocean
I am the One who spoke the words
And raised the dead
And I've loved you long before
I set the world in motion
I know all the fears you're feeling now
But do you remember who I am?
Do you...

[Chorus:]
So believe Me now
Believe it's true
I never have, I never will abandon you
And the God that I have always been
I will forever be
So believe Me now

I am the God who never wastes a single hurt
That you endure
My words are true
And all My promises are sure
So believe me now
Oh, believe me now

Brave

Has anyone heard this song by Nichole Nordeman? I really like it and her voice is simply amazing =]


"Brave" - Nichole Nordeman
The gate is wide
The road is paved in moderation
The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in
Welcome to the middle ground
You're safe and sound and
Until now it's where I've been

'Cause it's been fear that ties me down to everything
But it's been love, Your love, that cuts the strings

So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave

I am small
And I speak when I'm spoken to
But I am willing to risk it all
I say Your name
Just Your name and I'm ready to jump
Even ready to fall...

Why did I take this vow of compromise?
Why did I try to keep it all inside?

So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave

I've never known a fire that didn't begin with a flame
Every storm will start with just a drop of rain
But if you believe in me
That changes everything
So long, I'm gone

So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
I wanna be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave

Wait for me

Sigh. I really feel like God has been placing it on my heart that having a relationship would be a good thing. Or maybe I have spent too many hours at work daydreaming, ha.

But seriously, I know in the past I have tried to rush things with romance, and it ended up not being for the glory of God. But through this, I really feel I have been molded into someone very different than before. I know I still [obviously] have plenty of things to work on, but I guess I also feel that having a Godly relationship will help me with these things. Through experience, I have found that having someone that I can trust with everything has helped me stay accountable and really helped me focus on becoming more like Christ.

However, patience and trust are a couple of the fruits I need to work on sowing more of; I have the tendancy to 'jump the gun' and do things myself, but that always backfires (no pun intended). As I have said before, my mom has some OCD tendancies making her quite controlling, so having lived with her for 20 years, I find myself often wanting to be in control and do things myself, because if everything is not all planned out and I don't know what's coming next; then the world will surely cave in under my feet.

So if anyone is reading this and it has been placed on your heart, maybe just pray that I am able to find more joy in giving up control and trusting more easily.

If you haven't figured it out by now, I love posting lyrics of my favorite songs, so here is one that I have listened to countless times and I think is really sweet and romantic *^_^*

"Wait for Me" - Rebecca St. James
Darling did you know that I
I dream about you
Waiting for the look in your eyes
When we meet for the first time
Darling did you know that I
I pray about you
Praying that you will hold on
And keep your loving eyes only for me

Cause,I am waiting for
Praying for you darling
Wait for me too
Wait for me as I wait for you
Cause, I am waiting for
Praying for you darling
Wait for me too
Wait for me as I wait for you
Darling wait
Darling wait

Darling did you know I dream about life together
Knowing it will be forever
I'll be yours and you'll be mine
And darling when I say
Till death do us part
I'll mean it with all of my heart
Now and always faithful to you

Cause, I am waiting for
Praying for you darling
Wait for me too
Wait for me as I wait for you
Cause, I am waiting for
Praying for you darling
Wait for me too
Wait for me as I wait for you
Darling wait
Darling wait

Now I know you may have made mistakes
But there's forgiveness and a second chance
So wait for me
Darling wait for me
Wait for me
wait for me

Cause, I am waiting for
Praying for you darling
Wait for me too
Wait for me as I wait for you
Cause, I am waiting for
Praying for you darling
Wait for me too
Wait for me as I wait for you
Darling wait
Darling wait
Wait for me
Darling wait
Cause I'm waiting for you
Cause I'm waiting for you
So wait for me
Darling wait
Wait for me


In other news, if for some strange reason you happen to see that a girl in HdG recently jumped off her roof and broke her neck, arms, and legs, know it's because my job finally got to me. :-P Butttttt, Friday is officially my last day and then I QUIT! Off to OC for a week and back to Towson to see all my supercool friends.

I CANNOT WAIT!!!!!!

Black clouds overhead

Heh, I was cleaning out my room and found a sheet of paper that Ben had me write 20 positive traits about myself. I ripped it to shreds when I found it. It actual;y felt really good, like that act was saying "Ha I told you so". Guess my self-esteem isnt the best today...

It's so funny [well not funny as in humorous] how a great day can suddenly turn so black for me without warning. And nothing even has to set it off, I could be having a perfectly fine day and the...zap!...my thinking automatically goes straight into 'gee i really would like to take my whole bottle of anti-depressants now...and maybe a few dozen sleeping pills...'

And the thing is DEPRESSION IS NOT A SIN! And so many people just don't get that. They are really quick to point the finger at sins that are visible. It hurts.


Religious or spiritual things that get said:

"There must be something wrong with your spiritual life."
Yes, depression CAN be a result of sin. BUT depression is NOT always a result of sin! If it is, God will tell you loud and clear what the problem is.

This saying piles on the guilt for the depressed Christian. It's unlikely that their depression has a spiritual cause, and this implies that they are not good enough spiritually.

"Repent and ask forgiveness for your sin!"
Depression is a result of sin, in that if there was no sin in the world depression wouldn't exist. But then, neither would diabetes, or cancer, or any other illness... Sin caused the word to be not-perfect, therefore illness exists.

It is not a sin to be depressed, any more than it is to have any other illness.

Depression can be used by God to encourage repentance, but in that case, it will be crystal clear exactly what sin you should repent of. If you don't know, or have just a vague sense of guilt, your depression is not the result of a sin. Accusing someone of having depression because you think they committed some random sin is arrogant.

It wouldn't be the act of a loving God to refuse to tell you what you need to repent of.

"Real Christians don't get depressed."
The implication behind this is that someone with clinical depression is not a "Real Christian®". That hurts, especially if it comes from someone who holds authority.

It is hard to be depressed and Christian, very hard. I'd say it takes more faith to hold on to the fact that God exists when your situation is screaming out that even if there was a God, he hates you, than it does when all is going your way.

"You need to have more faith." / "Have faith in God."
Hebrews 11:1

Now faith is the substance [or realisation] of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen

How much faith does it take to hold onto the basic tenets of the Christian faith when emotions scream at you daily to give up, get out and avoid God? Very often a depressed Christian will be hanging onto faith by their fingernails in a situation that requires more faith than the average.

"Taking antidepressants is playing God, He can heal you."
Yes, God can heal. Sometimes he doesn't just flick a switch make the illness vanish, sometimes the healing comes through the conventional ways of doctors, psychiatrists, counsellors, therapists and medication. By persuading someone not to take their medication in preference for a fast, supernatural healing that God may not have in store for them, the sufferer is being denied something that will help them, right now.

In John 5:1-15 Jesus only healed one man out of the many who were gathered. Not everyone will receive supernatural healing. We don't always understand why God does as he does, only that he is God and will do what is right.

"Scripture says everything that happens is for your own good!"
The actual verse says:

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

This verse in no way implies that the sufferer should sit back and accept the illness for the rest of their life. It also does not say that illnesses are not to be fought with the intention of a cure. While God may well have things to do with a depressed person, the illness is not a good thing of itself, and it may take years before you see positive results from it.

"You've been prayed for, why has nothing changed?"
This can be expressed in several ways and spoken by one of two different groups of people: either the person who asked for prayer, or those who prayed for them.

We'll break the underlying situation into two areas: something definite was experienced in the prayer time: chains were obviously broken and a new freedom gained, or, nothing apparently happened at all. That is, "I know God set you free, [as testified to by experience, or, simply accepted by faith] why are you not walking in that freedom?"

When God steps in and answers believer's prayer for a person to be freed from the influence of unclean an spiritual influence there may well be a noticeable sense of having been freed. Why is it then that we don't all immediately change?

The bible speaks of our lives as being like clay; we are moulded through everything we go through. There are 3 sources of spiritual influence on our lives: God's holy spirit, our own human spirit and unclean / demonic spirits. Take, for instance, temptation - it might not always be the devil himself tempting us, it may be our own human spirit / human nature. Lots of things work to shape this clay, the onus is on us to give ourselves progressively more and more to God and open our lives to His moulding process.

Let's expand on the clay metaphor some more. Clay is not a very elastic substance. If you press a thumb into it and pull it away you'll get a thumb print. A balloon, on the other hand, would spring back immediately when the outside influence is removed (the thumb). God's word talks of us as being like clay, not balloons. Clay is solid, has substance, is useful for creating utensils that can be used in his service. Balloons are insubstantial, have nothing solid inside and are full of hot air.

So, take away the outside "thumb" pressing on our life and we are still left with a thumbprint: habits that have formed, certain ways of thinking or reacting to things, etc. God can (and does) change things like these instantly in some people, however, there are times when such a fundamental change would shatter who the person is and a longer, more sustained healing process is needed. That is, we are freed from the oppressive spiritual influence but over the course of weeks, months and years following the prayer time we see a gradual change as the unsightly "thumbprint" is smoothed out.

God wants us whole and healthy, it also says in Scripture that "the prayer of a righteous believer avails much" but it also says that one the fruit of God's Spirit dwelling within us is patience and endurance. Prayer gets the job done ... it's just that the process started by the prayer may be an ongoing one.

"Depression is a self discipline problem."
I have seen a church publish this statement on the web. It is NOT true.

Self discipline is important to a Christian. We have to be disciplined enough not to break the laws of the land, and to obey our God. But no amount of self discipline will get rid of a medical problem. This statement implies that the sufferer is lazy and could become better by sheer force of will. This is not possible, and causes a lot of guilt.

"You should be praying about this."
Implicitly, whoever says this is also saying "This wouldn't have happened if you'd been praying enough." That's a big assumption to make about someone.

To a person with depression, it can seem like God left town a long time ago without leaving a forwarding address. It can seem as if your prayers bounce straight back off the ceiling, and that prayer is as fulfilling and satisfying as yelling at a block of wood.

When you're depressed, you may not "feel" God as you had before. Often you don't feel anything but numb and hollow. For me, and for many people, depression had a shrivelling effect on my faith. I found it hard to hang onto anything but the most basic elements of Christianity, and sometimes lost my grip on those. When I did manage to pray, it was a yell of pain and confusion. This is why we are supposed to base our faith on facts (God loves you, he loved you when you were a sinner too, Jesus paid the full price for all our sins, etc.) rather than feelings, which are fickle at the best of times. It can be incredible hard to hold onto those facts in depression, like trying to run into a very strong wind.

John Lockley says:

In Christians, spiritual effects follow from the depression, and seldom the other way round. I repeat - in Christians, nearly always the depression comes first, followed by a sense of remoteness from God, rather than depression being the result of "falling away."

"A Practical Workbook for the Depressed Christian,"

One of the most eloquent and heartfelt prayers a depressed Christian can pray is "Help me God, I'm hurting!" This is a better prayer than the thirty minute waffle that doesn't actually say anything. It's honest, open and sincere.

God is listening, even if everything within you is screaming that he isn't. Prayer during depression can take an awful lot of effort. One comeback to this saying is "I am praying, as best I can. Will you pray for me too?"

"You just need to rebuke that spirit of depression and tell it to leave you. Don't let Satan steal your joy."
There are two problems with this statement. One problem is the assumption that depression is caused by demonic oppression. The other problem is the assumption is that joy and happiness are the same thing.

Blaming a "spirit of depression" can be a wonderful cop-out. Just cast out the spirit and you're cured! No need for long term support, for prayer, for counselling, for anything at all! And with this statement comes the implicit assumption that once again it's your fault you're depressed, this time because you're not "spiritual" enough to get rid of the troublesome spirit yourself.

Yes it is possible that demonic oppression can cause depression. No, demons are not responsible for every case of depression. Imagine what would happen if this statement was directed at someone with cancer, or haemophilia, or osteoporosis ("Just cast out that demon attacking your bones and be strong again! God wants to see you running marathons!").

The second problem with this statement is that joy is equated with happiness. People with depression are not going to be the happiest souls in the church. I've heard it said that happiness depends on what happens, whereas joy can exist in very unhappy situations.

*this information from http://www.christian-depression.org/cdp/sayings-xtn.php

K, I'm done with my rant. I guess just wanted to say, don't point the finger, in God's eyes, lying is just the same as murdering. Judge not, lest ye be judged. And all that stuff.

Family Fun!

Sometimes my family drives me crazy, but other times I realize that they're the best family for me. Yesterday, we had a birthday party for my brother and sister, and other than the fact that my mom was even more neurotic that usual, it was really a fun experience (even though I am dead tired this morning and wished I didn't have to be at work at 7 am).

I love my mom to death, she is the most caring and supportive mother anyone could ever ask for, but she has her...tendancies...that drive everyone up the wall. Hmm, maybe I got some of my control issues from her...Anyways, here are a couple of things that left me ready to pull my hair out...

-So I was vaccuming the house, and then later my mom goes back and does it all over again, because...I kid you not...The stripes were not vertical. So I did it completely wrong apparently. You know, I had NO idea that the dirt/hair wasn't sucked up unless the lines are totally perpendicular. I guess you learn something every day!

-Also, we were having cold cuts as the main entree at dinner, so I rolled all the meat and cheese we went out and bought. My mom went out and redid most of it because I was apparently squishing all the food because the corners of the cheeses were hanging off the edges. Oh well.

Anyways, this whole weekend was rather entertaining for me. I had Friday off [long story short, I work an extra hour every day so I can get every other Friday off]. My 10 year old sister was thrilled. She was really excited that I was able to make pancakes for her, and that she was able to explain in detail all about her new favorite video game. I also got to beat my brother in a racing game, it was great.

Anyways, yesterday I got to see all my little cousins. I'm starting to feel old now, haha. Two of my cousins just turned 7, and the other two are a little over 2 and talking up a storm! I was walking my dog with my cousin Emily, and she was going on about who she is going to have for a second grade teacher (coincidentally, the same one I had when I was her age!). It brought back a lot of good memories, you see, Emily is my second cousin, my first cousins were probably around my age when I was her age, so I remember looking up to them and thinking that they were the coolest cousins ever. I can only hope that their children might think a little bit of the same about me.

Anyways, a couple other memorable moments:

-A conversation between my mom, Melissa (my 17 yr old sister) and Andrew:
Mom: Ok, so tomorrow is Andrew's birthday, that means you have to be nice to him all day!
Andrew: Yeah, Melissa, that means chasing me around with a butter knife is the worst thing you can do.
Mom: She chases you around with a KNIFE?!
Andrew: Not a butter knife!!

-Melissa randomly picking me up and gloating that she is stronger than both my ex-boyfriends

-The double takes I got from my new hairdo. (Everyone loved it...so the only people who don't like it are my mom and dad)

-Me having to 'save' my cousins from the 'evil alien Andrew'

-A discussion about how Abnormal Psychology will be so easy for me considering that I have a crazy family and how my Uncle George is a whole lecture on his own.

-My cousin Maura saying that the Pirates of the Carribean tattoo she had was in fact the normal kind, not the real kind. Haha. Idk, maybe I'm the only one who finds this kind of funny.

-Me eating a piece of my mom's AMAZING fudge ribbon cake (AKA "The Cake" to family members and anyone who's ever eaten it), and realizing today that I did not in fact gain 300 pounds. =]

It's funny how we (or at least I) don't really appreciate the most important things we have until you (I) haven't had it for a while. I have wasted so many days arguing with my parents and my brother and sisters for the silliest things. I'm just thankful that now I can stop and realize how blessed I am.

Oh and on a totally random note, I finally got my back brace, and I feel a GAZILLION times better!

too short?

Hmmm, ok so I got my hair cut and colored on Wednesday. I am just not sure if it is too short? Ah well, it will grow out. It's just kind of funny because senior year my hair was permed, blonde, and down to the middle of my back. It looks just a wee bit different now...

Insomnia sucks...but God doesnt =]

So um yeah its like 4 am. And I've been up since 2:30. Really glad that I have today off, haha. Anyways, my mind has just been racing with thoughts and stuff...I had written a few questions in my personal journal.

-How do I just abandon my sorrow and shame for things that happened the past semester (...and possibly the whole year)?
-How do I just say 'I'm sorry' [to God, everyone] and then just MOVE ON with more confidence than before and not let myself get stuck feeling bad?
-How can I remember to always give this stuff up to God and just remember that these things too shall pass?
-How do I rekindle relationships I let fade without constantly worrying that I am 'not good enough' to deserve such friends and confidantes because I feel I have failed so miserably and have fallen in my faith these past months?
-How do I turn the regret I feel into joy that God is always good and eternally loving and will always take me back, no matter what?
-And I guess most importantly, how can I use myself better than before to show how wonderful He is to everyone around me. How do I make the flame brighter and stronger than before?

I still don't quite know the answers to my questions, but anyways while I was writing, I put my Ipod on and I have a mix of my favorite like 100 songs out of the 950some songs that are on it. I had it on random, and well I had 4 of the most reassuring songs come on one after another. Thanks God ^_^


"Never Alone" - BarlowGirl

I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?

[Chorus:]
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I"m never alone

And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life

We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

[Chorus]

We cannot separate
You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

[Chorus]


"Mirror" - BarlowGirl

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, Have I got it?
'Cause Mirror you've always told me who I am
I'm finding it's not easy to be perfect
So sorry you won't define me
Sorry you don't own me

Who are you to tell me
That I'm less than what I should be?
Who are you? Who are you?
I don't need to listen
To the list of things I should do
I won't try, I won't try

Mirror I am seeing a new reflection
I'm looking into the eyes of He who made me
And to Him I have beauty beyond compare
I know He defines me

You don't define me, you don't define me

"On Fire" Switchfoot
Tell you where you need to go
Tell you who you need to be
Tell you what you need to know
Tell you when you’ll need to leave

But everything inside you knows
Says more than what you’ve heard
So much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words

Chorus:

And you’re on fire
When he’s near you
You’re on fire
When he speaks
You’re on fire
Burning at these mysteries

Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything you are
Give me one more chance to be... (near you)

Cause everything inside looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I’ll take

Chorus:
When I’m on fire
When you’re near me
I’m on fire
When you speak
And I’m on fire
Burning at these mysteries
These mysteries...

I’m standing on the edge of me (x3)
I’m standing on the edge

Chorus:

And I’m on fire
When you’re near you
I’m on fire
When you speak
(yea) I’m on fire
Burning at these mysteries...


So yeah, I am probably going to crash and fall asleep somewhere around 10 am this morning. Until then...I think I am going to go watch a movie my sister rented: March of the Penguins. Yay. I LOVE penguins, they are SOOOOOOOOOOO cute!!

long time

Lol, its been a long time. This summer has really been a good experience for me. Lots of pages turned, lessons learned, all that good stuff.

Plus I've been at work for like a million hours a week, haha. Well not quite. But it is a 40 hr/week job. So I've been kind of busy with that and church and bible study. But it's a good busy.

I'm just looking forward to going back to school and seeing my friends, and having Cru! Last semester was a trial...and I am pretty sure I failed. Or at least got a C-. This semester will be different...I soooo need some accountability partners. Anyone interested? haha. But I am living with the most AWESOME people ever (Di, Nadeau, Kimberly, Corrinne) ^_^ And I know I can count on them!

Beautiful

Hmmmm well I was listening to my Ipod, and I have had this song on there for the longest time, but I was listening to it, and idk, it just always moves me.

I mean it's like we do all these things to try and make ourselves beautiful to other people or whatever, but no matter what we do, it just isnt enough! We are still filthy and ugly in the eyes of God because of our sin. It is only through Him that we can be truly BEAUTIFUL. Our society puts such a high value on beauty, but the problem is this beauty is defined by the world, and it's just not real.

I am just as guilty as everyone on looking to other people and to magazines and media and trying to fit their standard, but it just takes me further and further away from real beauty.

PAUL WRIGHT » You're Beautiful

The world is watching us from a distance
Wanting more from their own existence
Tell me how do we make a difference for eternity
Does anybody want to know why we’re alive?

oh oh oh oh
What’s the purpose of this life?
oh oh oh oh

Before i die and i leave the world behind
I want to know why i’m alive

You’re created for the creator to live inside
There’s a hole in your soul and i know that you try
To fill it with every little thing but the very one who can heal it
And bring hope to a world that wants to know why they’re alive

Spirit cry for this generation (generation)
We’re chasing the wind trying to embrace it
Open our eyes to all the lies that we try to justify when deep down inside
All we want to find is someone that loves us all of the time and it’s you

Yea it’s you oh oh
Only you
Yea it’s you oh oh oh
You’re beautiful came down from heaven just to save my save my soul
Beautiful oh oh oh oh oh
You’re so beautiful
The people of this world are praising you and they are
Beautiful oh oh oh oh
You’re so beautiful came down from heaven just save my save my save my soul
Beautiful oh oh oh oh oh
Now i am beautiful / you’ve made me so beautiful / now we’re so beautiful