This makes me sad.

So I did not write this, I found it on : http://community.livejournal.com/ed_ucate/172424.html

Oh and I also took out the numbers, but even with that, it may be triggering. Just a warning.

But like my title says, it really does make me sad to read this, becuase this WAS me (minus the drugs and the fiance). The writer of this piece committed sucide. An anorectic is 56 times more likely to commit suicide than the average person.

"Hi my name is Susy StickFigure, and I'm a real anoretic. Forget Kate Moss, honey. She's chic and we're corpses. It's not about beauty here. It's a one-way ticket into an early grave, and they ain't got NO euphamism for that. Forget how thin feels, maybe you can cheer yourself up and tell yourself, "Nothing tastes as good as a small casket feels." and smile in the mirror.

So my name really isn't Susy, but I am writing about my expierence. If I were to buy into the Mary-Kate and Ashley brand fantasy (now availible at select Wal-Marts in puce, violet, and cowardly suicide shades), I should be swarming in boys, gifts, and happiness. I should have people throwing themselves at my feet. I should be happy. Well, that's the punchline to this sick joke. The real knee-slapper.

I am, at the point of this writing, [her height]. I have weighed myself today, which is rare for me anymore. I am X pounds, which would be a Y BMI. It wouldn't be this high, but my fiance Julie cried for hours when I was maintaining Z pounds, and it broke my heart. I made it up to X pounds, but couldn't keep it. She realizes that this is not a choice, or a lifestyle.

So here it is, bare and raw. Throw out those heroin chic fantasies. Here's the real deal.

These are the glamourous things I've accomplished for my appearance and body since the onset of my disorder.

- Frequent hair loss, and brittle hair. To keep it remotely soft and human, I use more and more conditioner, with less effect.
- dry skin, prone to allergic reactions, rashes, cracking and flaking. I am constantly slathering on lotion.
- my heart is like a stoner at Mickey D's. It'll probably quit without warning, and slack off while at work.
- bruising, both from ænimia and from no fat between my bones and skin. I have them inside and out. I look rather like a tie-dyed masochist.
- colds, flu, pneumonia, strep throat. Longer, harder and faster than normal people.
- I'm constantly a strange mottled purple when it's even remotely cold. My thermostat stays at 78 degrees.
- Let's not forget I'm turning into the Wolfman, as my body is growing lanugo
- my joints sound like an old woman, my eyesight is going to shit, and I have circulation problems so frequently my feet have been diagnosed narcoleptic.
- my teeth are becoming a problem, due to the lack of calcium.
- I haven't had a period in so long, the doctor's diagnosed me with a run-on novel.
- my stomach is a pit of ulcers waiting to happen, from both starvation and over-use of diet pills and drugs.
- I have used such drugs as: ephedra, phenphen, cocaine, meth, and crack to help "cheat" and lose weight or become smaller. (although it should be noted that I've been a heroin user for a good ammount of time, so the illegal drugs weren't a big jump, and were always present in my enviroment. But I doubt I would've tried them without the incentive of their so-called perks)
- Related to the drug use, I have scarring on my arms that will forever be there. I also have collapsed veins.
- to spare the weak of stomach, let's just say Beethoven and I require the same ammount of time and pressure to create a movement.
- at any given moment, I can tell you the ammount of calories in bacon, tomatoes, grass. However, I cannot remember the last name of my third grade best friend.
- I can't sit, lie, or walk for long without my bones jarring and poking and bruising.

I'm sure there's plenty more ill-effects, but I'm getting used to all the quirks of my new body and have probably not noticed. That's how sad it gets sometimes. I hugged a friend, and they were shocked as my heart didn't beat quite nearly enough. I was like, "Yeah." without much concern. Instead of glowing with pride like they suggest, you just learn to accept you're dying. You're literally rotting without the decency to lie down.

Well, I'm still waiting for Cosmopolitan to come banging on my door. I'm sure that since I've accomplished "aNa" I should be all set, right? I should go beam in the mirror at this new wonderful girl that can't walk for more than eight feet, gets dizzy when she stands, and can't function without a load of caffiene.

And, for any silly girls reading with envy, these are only the PHYSICAL effects! Wait till you see the grand prize...... THE EMOTIONAL AND SOCIAL BENEFITS OF BEING A NUTTER!

- My family either ignores my disorder, or tries to support me emotionally while watching me fall apart. This is not endearing, cute, or glamourous. It is tearing them apart.
- My fiance is nearly sick of dealing with me and my problems.
- My finacial situation after drug addiction, hospitals and specialists is almost non-existant.
- Embarassed to go grocery shopping or out to eat with me, my friends are very awkward about my habits.
- People look at me and wonder if I'm a crack head, or a survior of Auchswitz. They get nervous, or think I'm terminally ill.
- When I put my weight down on things, people freak.
- I cannot shop in normal stores without salespeople getting nervous.
- I cannot find many jeans that are both tall enough, and size 1-00
- I can't order food from a cafe, resteraunt or vending maching in under 15 minutes. This makes it tedious to normal people.
- I'm so sick of hearing, "Just EAT something!" I could puke. Or not, since that would be a whole new thing to deal with.
- Wearing anything in public that doesn't have long sleeves, four layers, and sufficiant bulk leads to at least three offers of food.
- Most average people cannot accept that I don't think I'm fat. It's not about fat.
- Most sane people cannot understand that I know I'm sick and I don't just "stop".
- Most sane people cannot understand why the hell I'm this way in the first place.

So there you have it kiddies. There's your THINNER WINNER, a slow slow suicide via starvation and driving yourself, your family, and those who care about you mad. Mess up the REST of your life to fit in a prom dress. Damage the very organs that sustain you to fit in a club. But godforbid, don't listen to reason. Because we all know anorexia is sexy! In fact, I'm sure there's some of us who would love to give a testimonial! But I can't, I feel too tired. And some of you can't pull yourself away from laxatives the toilet long enough. Even more can't get past the feeding tube or IV. Then there's a few we'd need an ouija board to get their side.

Yeah. We're all one big sexy, popular party. Constantly having fun. Except for our club, a VIP pass looks strangely like a death sentence, and membership is more demanding by the day. You still want in?"

Satan is a liarpants!!

You know what? I really did not realize how sick I really was...

This is just a retrospective post mostly. I have been doing a lot of...soul searching...i guess for lack of a better word. I have really been digging deep in my therapy sessions and I am also doing a discipleship with someone at my church and I have just been learning a lot about my ED. Talking to other people (mostly my family) about what it was like on their end...well it has really let me see how totally unaware I was.

So yeah...I thought I had it under control. Yeah. Definitely not. I thought (and still think a lot of times) I wasn't really "all that sick." Ummm, apparently I was. So I am feeling a lot of guilt right now. I look back and see what I have lost - and I regret. Because I don't want to be that person. I liked the way she looked, but there was nothing inside. She was empty, alone and hollow.

It really makes me so sad to see how much I have and how much I am tearing their insides apart. I love my family and friends more than anything else in the world and it kills me to know I did this to them.

To have my mom just randomly come up and talk about how proud she is of me. Just for something like eating grilled cheese for lunch. Even though I refuse to use butter on it; I just spray PAM on the bread to keep it from sticking.

I have seen my mom cry once in my life. It was over her thinking I was going to die. And seeing my 17 year old sister cry (she is the strong one, not me), it still tears me up inside. To make a long story short, she is my reason for living when I can't find one.

However, it is evidence though that I need to continue with my recovery. Satan is a liarpants, and he has been telling me that 'if only I just lose 10 pounds, then I will be ok, I will be content'. Or when he tells me that it wasnt really that bad, in fact those were the "good 'ole days". The pathetic thing is that a lot of times I really do think that! That once I can control my eating again, everything else in my life will fall into place. When the truth is that is the EXACT opposite. When I have my eating 'under control', i.e. I'm not eating, thats when my life falls to pieces.

Lots of work

I have been a busy bee!!!

I have been in an intensive outpatient program for my ED for at LEAST 12 or 13 weeks. And then before that I was inpatient and day patient for a length of time that will not be announced lol. I finally got discharged from the program. And I am STILL doing therapy 2x a week.

But hey, ya know what? It is keeping my butt in place. I have been doing so much better with my eating...I went to cheeburger cheeburger a couple weeks ago and I got ... well i got chicken, not a burger, but i got frings (fries and onion rings lol) and a MINT CHOCOLATE OREO milkshake. Can you say amazingggggggggggggggg??? I hadn't had a milkshake in YEARS.

And today is history in the making. I bought a half-gallon of ice cream. Not fat free frozen yogurt. And it isnt some boring flavor, it is moose tracks, my favorite [chocolate syrup and peanut butter cups]! Ok, ok, I will admit so it is sweetened with Splenda and no sugar added, BUT it is almost the same number of calories as regular stuff!

I guess I am just trying to write all this stuff down before I forget or can make an excuse about how I could have done better or whatever. And also I am kind of just flabbergasted. I look back and think of all the food rituals and see what I have been able to do, and I did not gain a bajillion pounds! Imagine that one.

A Woman's Heart

So I did something out of my comfort zone. My pastor was talking about how we need someone to keep us accountable spiritually. And I was thinking "Hey! Well I do have my therapist to keep me accountable for my actions, but I really don’t have anyone keeping my butt in line in this area." I have learned that this is something that I really, really have to watch out for. It is one of my weakest areas; when my relationship with God is dwindling, my eating disorder is out of control. The time when I was sickest was when I was convinced that I was alone and God abandoned me and had no use for me whatsoever.

So what I did was I went and talked to someone in my church and I am going to be meeting with her weekly. I felt so embarrassed at first, she asked why I wanted to meet with her and I was like 'ummmmm I don’t know, I just...ummmm, it's like sorta...' I felt really dumb. But I felt so much better when she said that she thought it took a lot of courage for me to go to someone I didn’t even know and ask for help. I was thinking by doing that I was being weak, but looking back, its one of the strongest things I can do; admit that I need help.

It is just so exciting though!! We are going through a study called "A Woman's Heart: God's Dwelling Place;" basically on the tabernacle and God's covenant with us. It is really teaching me a lot. The study comes with a movie set. And it is horribly outdated. But what the author Beth Moore has to say are some of the most profound things I have heard. It leaves me with my head spinning.

So yeah. God is pretty awesome. Somehow I can relate to this woman on SO many levels and I feel like she totally understands me too.

I told her (from now on I will just refer to her as E) about my ED and SI issues and she is actually pushing me in a way I haven't been before. I have a lot of coping skills and things I have learned through treatment, but what I never noticed was those were things I was doing to keep it all under control, by myself. So it should be no surprise that I can't and that I am still struggling. Yeah, I say "God, take this away from me, help me give up control;" but everything I do to combat my eating disorder relies on my OWN strength. Which is all but naught next to God.

It is also really good to have a godly perspective on all of this. One of the reasons I have so much trouble sharing and talking about my ED to others is because Satan doesn’t want me to! He wants to keep me stuck keeping my mouth shut and my stomach empty. To keep my eyes on the scale and off the Word of God. He tells me every day "No, don't talk about it. You will just sound crazy or they will think you are making it up for attention. Or they will think you are bragging in a sick sort of way." I have only spoken about it to a crowd once. And boy I felt so awful and scared before, I was SURE everyone would reveal me for the fraud I thought I was. But it was one of the most liberating things ever. I used my voice, not my body, which is a huge part of my ED, I can't say "I am hurting, there is something wrong"; I show it.

I didn't realize until yesterday that this was TOTALLY a ploy of Satan. E told me that she thought I was going to be a Joseph...Satan meant to use my ED for harm, but God can use this for His amazing glory!!!! It really isn’t a surprise that there are so many other people out there who struggle with body image issues, it is so common in society today. And if I can help just ONE person; then it is worth it. I believe this has made me stronger, I can do so many things I could have not ever have done without having this tribulation. Does it make it any easier? Nopers. I still hate my body and want to lose x pounds and I still have so many distorted thoughts. But knowing somehow, maybe, there is a reason for this, it makes it a little easier to bear this.

I want my life to become a testimony to His glory. I am such an example of how trying to control things on my own so does not work. Of thinking I knew what the best thing for me was (ha! thats a good one...)

Mario Bros.

So someone made an analogy refering to Mario Bros in reference to life, and it was a really really good one!

I know in life, there are a lot of times were I just want to stay put. I don't want to go and take risks, I dont want to trust that whatever is out there is anything worth really it. I would rather stay safe. Or give up.

But I mean in Mario Bros, you aren't going to just keep Mario in one spot when he is at the edge of a cliff and let him get eaten by the Gumbas or run out of time, would you? No!!! You would try and get him to save the princess! You would try and jump to the other side by the moving thingies. And if you fell and died, you would try again and be more determined. And you would do better because you know more of the tricks. And then when you get to the other side you get to the ? boxes, which have good things in them. And the last level is the hardest one. So if you die there, and have to go back, then the other ones are easier because you know the tricks. And eventually you win!

So yeah. I really liked this. Lol. Now I am going to try and find an old school nintendo and play Mario and Duck Hunt :-) Yay old school video games haha.

Sooooooooooo

Yeah. I suck at updating this thinger. I'll blame it on...well I'm not sure, but I'll figure something out. Lol.

The semester is drawing to a close and all I can say is thank goodness. I was about ready to quit school and join the circus or something haha.

All in all though, it hasn't been a bad semester. My classes are going well.

I learned how to swing dance. And I LOVE it. L-O-V-E it!!! And I am actually pretty good I think; or at least I can follow the guy's lead. I have gone a bunch of times with my lovely friend N.

Talked with my T about all of this; IOP is really annoying and we get in trouble for exercising, as we could overdo it as 'symptom substitution'; you know like exercising a ton to burn calories and lose weight. And they say we are supposed to wait 6 months because we cant be sure what we did to our bodies (Thanks to my ED, I have the bones of a 60 year old. woooohoooo *insert sarcasm here*). But she agreed with me, she thinks its a good thing, its an activity where I can actually be ok with my body, and I am just having fun. It's not about burning calories (but I would be soooo lying if I didnt say that I think of it as an "added benefit"). I really wanted to talk to her about it though because I feel bad; I never tell IOP that I am doing this stuff. I know they would get mad and threaten to send me to a higher level of care or something. (I can just hear it now...- "So have you stopped going swing dancing yet? No? Well you do know that this is against IOP policy; if you go again you get a strike).

Also N and I also have been broadening our tastes with ethnic nights. So in the past couple months I have had Thai, Indian, Italian and Greek food. Very very yummy.

Oh and now I have a car. And I'm commuting at least till the end of the semester to Towson. The commute sucks, but all in all, its good. Nice not to have to walk or bum rides everywhere. And I think I might get more work done because I cant go back and sleep between my classes lol. And it is actually a really good time for me to just pray; it's just me, the road and God for an hour every morning.

Jesus Video

"In the Spring of 2003, Vintage21 had a four week series on Jesus Christ, taking a deep look at what He said and did. It was difficult at all times to get past our preconceived notions that had been developed by staunch, starched Sunday School classes of old. This is a satirical look at what some people think Jesus is like. Thank goodness He's not."

This was a video we watched in Cru on Thursday and really shows how Jesus is definitely not about sin management. I could not stop laughing. The sad thing however is there are people who think Jesus is like this.

On Distant Shores

"On Distant Shores" - Five Iron Frenzy
I have been scarred so deep by life and cold despair,
and brittle bones were broken far beyond repair.
I have leveled lies so deep, the truth may never find.
And inside my faithless heart, I stole things never mine.

If mercy falls upon the broken and the poor,
Dear Father, I will see you, there on distant shores.

I have toiled for countless years and ever felt the cost,
and I've been burned by this world's cold,
like leaves beneath the frost.
On my knees I've crawled to You, bleeding myself dry.
But the price of life is more, than I could ever buy.

And off of the blocks,
I was headstrong and proud,
at the front of the line for the card-carrying, highbrowed.
With both eyes fastened tight,
yet unscarred from the fight.
Running at full tilt, my sword pulled from its hilt.
It's funny how these things can slip away,
our frail deeds, the last will wave good-bye.
It's funny how the hope will bleed away,
the citadels we build and fortify. Good-Bye.

Night came and I broke my stride,
I swallowed hard, but never cried.
When grace was easy to forget,
I'd denounce the hypocrites,
casting first stones, killing my own.
You would unscale my blind eyes,
and I stood battered, but more wise,
fighting to accelerate,
shaking free from crippling weight.
With resilience unsurpassed,
I clawed my way to You at last.
And on my knees, I wept at Your feet,
I finally believed, that You still loved me.

Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again.
Jesus Christ, Light of the World,
burning bright within our hearts forever.
Freedom means love without condition,
without beginning or an end.
Here's my heart, let it be forever Yours,
only You can make every new day seem so new.

A Day In The Life

Let me tell you, life on an eating disordered inpatient unit is definitely interesting. Not that anyone would think that it would be dull there, hence the name, but some days I just wonder how I ended up here. Not that I even regret it; I know that being there has changed my life drastically, and boy do I ever appreciate the little things sooooo much more. [Lol, this is the most random post]

Like:
-Being able to be weighed in a cloth gown instead of a paper one that is almost like a paper towel...the store brand kind, not even the Bounty kind. Or *gasp* not having to use a gown at all!
-Not having nurses see and write down your weight every friggin day
-Showers that are longer than 8 minutes!!
-Sleeping in past 5:30 am and not being woken up to get your blood pressure and temp taken
-Not being woken at 4:00 am to have your blood sugar tested
-Having hot food thats actually hot and ice cream that isn't melted
-Having your bread actually toasted in the morning!
-Having REAL coffee, not sock water coffee
-Being allowed to have something to drink when you are thirsty and not having to wait until a water break or meal.
-Being able to use the bathroom when it's not bathroom break
-Being able to flush your toilet!!!
-Not having a whole staff of doctors and nurses and therapists talking about your weight
-Not being asked "How does that make you feeeeeeeeel? Or how can you challenge that? LOL
-Being able to talk on the phone when you want, even if you DIDN'T make freaking weight.
-Having hot showers
-Having a shower thats longer than 8 minutes!
-Sleeping on a REAL bed, not a hospital one
-NOT HAVING TO SEE DR. C and have him ask *insert polish accent* 'So whats new in your life? ('Nothing you freaking moron, I'm locked in a friggin hospital!) Or 'Are you happy to be alive? Or would you rather be dead? (I dont know!!) What if I don't know answer did not exist?
-If you genuintely, truly dont like something, you DONT have to drink a supplement if you dont eat it
-Not being accused of exercising in your room secretly if you don't make weight even though you are on 4 stupid supplements


If you read this and have been at SPED and have any others, leave me a comment!! =D

Silence

Silence - Jars of Clay
Take
Take till there's nothing
Nothing to turn to
Nothing when you get through
Won't you break
Scattered pieces of all I've been
Bowing to all I've been
Running to
Where are you?
Where are you?

[verse]
Did you leave me unbreakable?
You leave me frozen?
I've never felt so cold
I thought you were silent
And I thought you left me
For the wreckage and the waste
On an empty beach of faith
Was it true?

[chorus]
Cuz I...I got a question
I got a question
Where are you?

[verse]
Scream
Deeper I wanna scream
I want you to hear me
I want you to find me
Cuz I...I want to believe
But all I pray is wrong
And all I claim is gone

[chorus]
And I...I got a question
I got a question
Where are you?
Yeah....yeah
And where...I...I got a question
I got a question
Where are you?
Where are you?
Where are you?
Where are you?

Hide

"Hide" - Joy Williams
To anyone who hides behind a smile
To anyone who holds their pain inside
To anyone who thinks they're not good enough
To anyone who feels unworthy of love
To anyone who ever closed the door
Closed their eyes and locked themselves away

You don't have to hide
You don't have to hide anymore
You don't have to face this on your own
You don't have to hide anymore

So come out, come out, come out wherever you are
To anyone who's tryin' to cover up their scars
To anyone who's ever made a big mistake
We've all been there, so don't be ashamed
Come out, come out and join the rest of us
You've been alone for way too long

And if you feel like no one understands
Come to the One with scars on His hands
'Cause He knows where you are, where you've been
His scars will heal you if you let Him

I didn't drop off the face of the planet

FYI...Long vent-y post. Just feeling a little frustrated and its a better idea to write all my frustrations out rather than stuff them, which is what I usually do.

Things have been kind of rough. And it doesn't help when some people aren't giving me constructive support *cough* Mom *cough*. Like, "well everyone gets depressed...that doesn't mean they decide they want to go and kill themselves...so you just need to learn how to deal with your issues better." Ya know...I never thought about that! Or wait...yes I have. *rolls eyes* But if it were that easy, believe you me, I would have had this fixed long ago. Same thing goes with the food. If I could 'just' eat...I WOULD.

Or just comments insinuating that I should be better by now and its a failure that I'm in treatment. Which doesn't help things at all cuz I already feel guilty about being there because I don't feel like i need it...and it isn't me saying that out of pride, I really don't think I'm sick enough to be there anymore. My weight is higher than ever, I'm eating, there are tons of people with more and worse problems. I don't even think I am in denial or that I am rationalizing things. I have been doing well food-wise, it is just emotion-wise...I kind of had a breakdown. Sure a lot of it had to do with food, not eating kept me numb and then now I have all these emotions I don't know how to deal with. But if I didn't do well at one meal, I was back on track the next one.

I know everyone I am in treatment with must think I am bulimic or a compulsive overeater. I can't even say how much I weigh now. When I came in I was 103. And you know what the sad thing is? I feel like I would be happier if I were that weight again. But when I was that weight, I hated myself, because treatment had made me get to that weight. I was convinced I would die if I got to 100 pounds, and 102 pounds was the dreaded 75% of my goal weight. When I was at that weight, I wanted to weigh 87 pounds again (I'm 5'8''ish). But when I was 87 lbs, I wanted to be 75 lbs. I hate this stupid disease!!!

I'm also so sick of comments asking me why or criticizing me for wanting to run away from treatment.

Lol...but speaking of that, Tina, my individual therapist from there said that if she gave me a penny for every time I said to her that I wanted to run away, she thought I wouldn't need insurance to pay for all this. Which is saying a lot haha...one day there is like $1,500. She is a nice therapist...but thats about all. Last week I was really pissed off for some reasons and she asked me "Are you angry?" I said "Yeah," but the whole time I was staring at an electrical socket for at least 5 minutes waiting for her to actually say something. And considering sessions are like 40 minutes long...

Anyways I realllllllllllllllly miss my T. Like I said...Tina is nice, but sessions don't really compare. Idk, I feel like I can say pretty much anything to my T; and I mean thats really significant for me. Trust...its always been a no-no, so to be able to say what I am thinking and not being (very) worried she will be like 'WTF?' is amazing. So I end up blurting out random things I am thinking about and usually end up ratting on myself if I do something I am not supposed to. Lol. I guess it just really sucks having things I feel like I have to keep inside and never say aloud ever. Maybe its my way of checking to make sure I am still 'ok.' Maybe I do know that saying what I think she wants to hear isn't helping me at all and it wastes both hers and my time. Maybe I should stop psychoanalyzing myself haha.

But seriously, this is the first T that I actually tell whats going on, good or bad. But she's earned that right. My first T...well she told me that I was going to die if I didn't go back into the hospital and couldn't see me anymore. She yelled at me more than once and made me cry (but that really isn't saying much, N asks me every week if I cried in therapy. The answer is always a resounding yes).

Though it really bugs me b/c I really have NO idea what she is really thinking about everything I tell her, I am really worried she thinks I'm crazy. I mean I told her this and she asked if I wanted to ask her what she thought and she said she didn't think I was crazy, but I mean, seriously like she is going to say, "Yeah sometimes I think you are totally mental and wonder why I took you as a patient." I guess maybe I care too much about what others are thinking about me. Am I justified in that though? Probably not, it is most likely transference. But what if it isn't?

I guess I just don't know why I'm there right now; how the treatment is different than previous ones, how it will help me. All I am doing is gaining weight it seems. Plus all we do it seems is eat, sleep, and poop (TMI? lol). At least on weekends anyways. The groups we have are all good, but I've heard most everything a bajillion times. My clothes aren't fitting anymore. And my depression is a little better, but it hasn't gotten too much better. And I'm not too fond of the idea of having to take medicine if I'm really anxious and wanting to SI, cuz all that does is make me tired. But I don't actually have a choice. One of the down-sides to being in a mental institution is my doctor has the power to say (insert polish accent), "Well if you are asked to take your Seroquel because your anxiety is too high but won't, we will have to give you an injection of Haldol." Sooooooooo no shot in the butt for Megan.

And Dr. C is really getting on my nerves. To say the least. Not only does he say every morning *insert polish accent; "So Megan, whats new in your life?" (Nothing you freaking moron! I'm stuck in a friggin' hospital for crying out loud!) "Are you glad to be alive or would you rather be dead?" (I don't know.) "What if I don't know answer did not exist?"

So now he wouldn't let me go to the bridal shower, he wouldn't let me get off early on New Years Eve and I had to be there New Years day and now he doesn't want me to go to the wedding rehearsal (I'm going either way...shhh it's a secret...) and getting off for the wedding (I am one of three bridesmaids...and the ONLY one not related to the bride or groom) is contingent on me 'making weight' tomorrow and Friday. I'm sick of putting my life on hold. I mean he wont listen.

I asked to get off just a few hours early. I said I would leave after supplements, and he could meet my mom in the waiting room to make sure I didn't do anything, and he could call my friend and ask her what I ate. I followed the stupid contract he made me sign. But noooooooooooooooooooo, that isn't their policy. But plenty of his other patients get to go home early!! WTF??? I am seething right now.

On a brighter note...I've been having fun with my PHP self-evaluation sheets. All my answers are so boring, so I decided to be more creative. And as a result I got a drug test yesterday...LOL.

Any thoughts that worry you? "I don't know how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Roll Pop."

Any community issues? "There are zombies under my bed and I think they're gonna get me!" <--A nurse actually asked me, "Do you really think there are zombies under your bed?" LMAO

What did you do last night? "Licked a sparkplug, sniffed a stinkbug and painted daisies on a bright red rubber ball" (Its from a song)

What are your goals for treatment today? "To fight the war against plaque."

Well at least I thought it was funny. I am so incorrigible though. It gives me something to do during the 45 minute ride in.

Lots of things

...Have happened since I last blogged. Some good, some bad and some downright weird! Anyways I am currently in the partial hospitalization program (PHP) at SP. 7 am to 7 pm every day. Blahhhhhhhh.

I would be inpatient, but my insurance hates me and decided that I don't need inpatient treatment because I'm 75% of my "goal weight" (state law requires a patient to be inpatient until they are 75% of their goal weight). I was trying to convince my doctor that I'm fine and don't need to gain weight because I am eating. But I signed a contract with a whole lot of mumbo-jumbo, but basically says if I ever come back, I have to stay until I am 85% of my goal weight. So I'm trying not to freak out. Especially since when I was admitted last March, I was 64% of my goal weight (which I can admit was way too thin).

The most annoying thing is it wasn't really even my eating that brought me back in, it was that my depression got a whole heck of a lot worse. I mean, I know the eating and the prospect of gaining weight was definitely a huge trigger for me and it is true that there are a lot of foods I don't eat. I guess my definition of eating well is 'not dying'...so as long as I am at least scraping by and can function, then I'm fine. So maybeee I have just a few distortions.

Anyways it has been an interesting couple of weeks to say the least. At least my life isn't dull. I guess thats a good thing, ya know? Hahaha. A lot of things had been building up for the past month or so and I finally cracked. So yeah, very long story, but one minute I'm in therapy and the next I'm at GBMC with my therapist and have been certified to the ER. Haha I have to be dramatic with everything, what would be the point of me doing the rational thing? Well I mean, things happen for a reason I suppose and whatever the result, I know that there are always going to be people who care about me and that God is sovereign through it all.

I know treatment is for the best. It's just really hard to be there. It's really hard not to compare myself to others and think that I am the biggest one there (which is definitely how I feel). And then I get pissed at Dr. C for laughing at me, but I know thats just because I have been a really difficult patient in the past. And hey, maybe some of the stuff I say is ridiculous. He's a good doctor. But you won't hear me saying that to him, lol.

This whole experience I know is giving me a little bit of time to just focus on me, which I have not been doing for the past semester. I kept myself so busy that I didn't have any time to think about me or my issues. I literally had to write down everything on my calendar or my hand or something becuase otherwise I would just forget. My short term memory definitely sucks. It's painful to look at me and my issues, because I always avoid them and run away from them. But I am learning new things about myself...

Ok, so on a different and lighter topic, life on the unit has been pretty good thus far except for all the tummy aches I have lol. I have had a lot of good conversations and its nice to just hang out with people. Though I am still trying to try and forget a really funny, but really really inappropriate conversation I hear yesterday...lol.

Eh well I gotta get going, I have the day off today and am going to be a bridesmaid for a friend's wedding, so I am going to get fitted!!

Promise

"Promise of a Lifetime" - Kutless
I have fallen to my knees
As I sing a lullaby of pain
I'm feeling broken in my melody
As I sing to help the tears go away

Then I remember the pledge you made to me

[CHORUS:]
I know you're always there
To hear my every prayer inside
I'm clinging to the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime

Will you help me fall apart
Pick me up, take me in your arms
Find my way back from the storm
And you show me how to grow
Through the change

I still remember the pledge you made to me

[BRIDGE:]
I am holding on to the hope I have inside
With you I will stay through every day
Putting my understanding aside

And I am comforted

Update

Ok, well I decided that I should give an update on how things are going lately, just because I got so many replies on my last post. Which btw makes me feel happy.

So I think I have made a decision...I think I am going to 'bite the bullet' and go inpatient over winter break. I really don't want to. But the thought of this always being the way it is scares me almost as much as the idea of gaining weight. Which, according to a friend is good insight. All I can say is I guess it's about time that I finally have some of that. But yeah, I'm tired of running away from my problems and I need to learn that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Right??

Anyways a couple of people have brought up the option of residential treatment. At first I was like heck no I won't do that blah blah blah. And I might not. I probably won't. But I checked out this place called the Carolina House (http://www.carolinaeatingdisorders.com) and my insurance doesnt cover it; but maybe my doctor can convince them to. I dont know.

Residential treatment is similar to inpatient treatment, but it is a longer term stay. If I were to go to SP, I would be there anywhere from 10 days to 3 weeks most likely, not even talking about PHP (day program) or anything. Which would be nice, I'd be in and out pretty fast. I could even maybe still work.

But with that, I am stuck inside a hospital...nothing like the real world, I don't make my meals except for snack once a week and only portion out meals once a week at a 'theraputic lunch' we have. And another thing is I know the stuff we are told in groups, because I've been there before. And since it is so short term, the weight gain is really really rapid and thats really really scary and hard to deal with. And it feels as if we are punished (no shower, phone calls, visitors) if we don't gain the weight we are 'supposed' to and are sometimes even accused of doing something wrong (ie exercising, hiding food, etc). And I guess I understand the premise, but its not like when I get out if I dont gain weight I am not going to let myself shower. And the whole punishment thing kind of reinforces what I am most scared of, that "the number is the most important thing about you".

I know, I know, I should stop criticizing. They are doing the best they can and it is a good program and does work for a lot of people. And I am not saying it wont work for me. I know that no matter what, it comes down to me and doing what I need to do. But if I can do another program where I can really learn what my body needs and test the waters out for a longer period of time, then thats what I want to do.

At this place everyone is in a stable place and wants to get better. So I dont have to worry about patients being there that are refusing to eat and don't have motivation to get better.

So I don't even know whats gonna happen. There aren't any residential centers in MD so therefore nothing within my insurances network. So I dont have any benefits for this. And it would be around 45 days...and would be wayy more than I can afford. But my doctor is (hopefully) going to talk to my insurance company and see if they would consider covering it. So we'll see I guess. And I mean also, I don't really want to go to North Carolina...I want to stay here and spend time with people I love.

So I guess the point of the post, is just pray for me that I make the decision God wants me to make. Cuz right now I just feel like I'm not even sick enough to need treatment because I am so much of a better place than before.

Strong Enough

Stacie Orrico - "Strong Enough"
As I rest against this cold hard wall
Oh will you pass me by
Will you critize me as I sit and cry
I had fought so hard
and thought that all be battles had been won
only to find the war has just begun

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out and start again
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again?

Will my weaknes for an hour
Make me suffer for a lifetime
Is there any way to be made whole again
If I'm healed, Renewed and find forgiveness
Find the strength I've never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God's plan

He took my life into His Hands
And turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance
It's there I finally found

But you were strong enough
But you were pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
But you were brave enough
To take one chance on me
Oh Thank you for me chance to start again

I don't know.

[edit] I reread this and I really don't want to come off as doing worse than I really am. I AM eating 3 meals consistently, and they are balanced and I have not skipped any meals [on purpose...i have slept through breakfast a couple times] since getting out of the hospital. And I'm not trying to sound like some emo kid. Yeah. That's all.

Aughhhhhhh. I hate asking for help. I feel like I am just whining about my own stupid problems and they aren't even that big of a deal, and I should just stop being a crybaby.

Actually I don't want to even post this because to me this screams "You messed up again!!" But I think this time I can say that that statement just isn't true. I hope.

So, by the title of the post...I really don't know what to do. And I don't want to pretend that I do or decide to be stubborn and not try and think outside of the box (...no pun intended...trust me, you'll see the pun in a moment).

My therapist wants me to think about going back inpatient over the break. For once this isn't "You have to go, or we are calling the police on you (that HAS happened...)", it's kind of I'm at a plateau and can't seem to get past it.

I don't know if going back on the unit will help, part of me feels like it won't, I've been there and been through all the groups, I KNOW this stuff. I can psycho-analyze ANYTHING, I can can do thought logs, behavior chains, blah de blah de blah as long as anyone pleases me to. I know more about my disorder than sooo many other people. I could teach the groups on the unit. Ask me a question, any question about CBT or carbohydrates or fats or WHATEVER...I know (most) of it. I have hundreds of worksheets I have done; I've saved them all. Worksheets with the complications of anorexia, ones with different self-soothing techniques, ones asking me to write down things that have happened to me in the past that may have contributed to my ED etc, etc, etc.

And I really don't think my insurance will cover another stay. They are sick of me. And I doubt they will give me coverage unless I am on the brink of death (wonderful wonderful health coverage).

Plus I really need to make money for tuition/books this winter. I am not even going to go into how much my account has been drained; it is a major source of stress for me.

And, I don't want to see Dr. C. I REALLY REALLY CANNOT STAND THAT MAN. But thats a whole other rant...

Ok...yeah. That isn't even the main reason why I feel so ambivalent. Those reasons are just grains or sands next to my real 'reason'. (Read: THE classic anorectic reason)

I. DON'T. WANT. TO. GAIN. WEIGHT.

I don't think I need to, even though I have been told that I do need to gain weight about 3495843895409587438957 times, give or take a few. And this just isn't "well I don't really want to do this"...this is I would rather slit my wrists than do this...I'd rather have a root canal without anesthesia.

But if I go, then I will have to. Like I will be required to gain 1/2 pound a day or I have to drink extra supplements (Ensure Plus), up to four a day. I don't want to even think about how many of those I have had to drink or sit with because I was refusing to drink them.

I feel like I am eating, I am functioning fine, so whats the problem? I can do x, y and z. And q. Blindfolded (well maybe not blindfolded...but still). Then why is every other therapy session with me totally freaking out over and over again over the same things and not making changes? Why do I have to be reminded over and over again things that should be so obvious. Why is it always 1 step forward, two steps back? Why do I keep my routine so OCDish and routined to the T and have to rationalize everything I eat?

My main thought is that I don't really need to go. I am following a pretty good meal plan, I am doing well in school, I'm not isolating myself, I have a social life for once. I have been able to do things I thought I could never do with friends (eat Chinese food...ice cream...a cookie from starbucks [not in the same sitting of course LOL]).

But when I'm not with friends, I have issues. I mean not nearly as bad, but yeah. Can you say symptom substitution? My depression has been off the charts lately...not all the time, but it isn't making things any easier...it's making things so much harder to do. A lot of times, I feel I am just lacking the motivation to face the day. I don't even know why. And then I get into a stressful situation, whether it be arriving late to something or not doing as well on a test or feeling really awkward in a social situation...I don't know how to deal. Or I do, but I don't cope well. I want to injure.

I was discharged from the hospital in the beginning of July. I have not gained a single pound. In fact I think I may have lost one or two. Which I guess isn't that much. But I was pretty much forced to sign a contract before being let back into outpatient treatment saying that I would get to 110 pounds in a certain amount of time. And the stupidest reason why I am so scared of that weight, is I have decided that 110 is a 'normal' weight, because that is the weight you have to be to donate blood. I told my T that, she laughed at me. Stupid black and white thinking.

That never happened. Partly because I had the brilliant idea to do something to make me weigh in up to 10 pounds heavier (not giving tips, sorry lol) every appointment I had, and I didn't get caught until someone said something to someone. So that cat was out of the bag, and I basically freaked and said if they made me go into the hospital I would stop treatment [and i hate to say it, but that would basically be signing my death warrant].

So here I am now. I haven't really gained, haven't really lost. And I know thats on purpose. Every time I gain any weight, I freak and restrict to make it go back down, but don't continue down that path because I know where it leads. But I am eating a LOT. Though my therapist doesn't agree. I know she really wants me to gain weight, and so do other people, but I just can't do it on my own. She said gaining weight will help my mood, but I don't see how it will.

But I can sort of realize that having a very very long debate with myself over whether or not I can have a yogurt that isn't fat free with my dinner isn't what 'normal' people do. Or is that normal?? I don't know anymore, it seems so natural. Goodness. I am so screwed up.

Ok, I really need to learn to condense my thoughts. I guess what I'm really asking is this:

-Do I look 'normal' or close to it? I SERIOUSLY don't know. Do I look as if I am at a normal weight? Or do I stick out like a sore thumb? (I'm not even going to say how much weight I've gained because it just makes me cry)
-Do you think I should do IP again? Or is it a waste. I'm not really that sick or anything, should I just suck it up?

Ok, I really hate being this transparent and vulnerable. This might find itself deleted quicker than you can say 'esophagogastroduodenoscopy'...

A human being...not a human doing

So anyways, sometimes I seriously wonder why my therapist puts up with me lol. I feel like she must think that I'm bipolar at moments. Cuz some sessions I'll come in and be all "la de da de dah, life is great" and then the next session (I must be realllllllly unstable haha, I see her 2x a week [does the humor downplay just how insecure I feel about having to see a therapist?? lol]), just 3 days later, I'm a wreck and pretty much crying the whole time and she has to tell me the same things over and over.

But seriously, lots of times I feel like I'm just wasting her time, it seems as if we are rehashing the same things over and over...and over. Sometimes I just get so frustrated...it's like why can't I just get this right for crying out loud??

But she definitely told me something that I know perfectly well and have said myself plenty of times, but I had an 'aha' moment (dontcha just love those??) this time.

It's NOT about food. Like I said, I know this, but I have gotten so many times from so many people "Why don't you just eat? Food is nourishment. You aren't fat;" leading me to just dwell on the phsyical symptoms. So no wonder why I get annoyed, the concept that food is nourishment and without it, I die is so basic, I know this and understand this JUST FINE.

So the whole point of this tangential blog was she asked me a couple of rhetorical questions yesterday that really made me think and feel at least a little better. The first thing she asked was "Is your anorexia a way of making you feel more whole as a person, or is it a way to escape how empty you feel inside?" And then she asked "Is your eating disorder just like a purse, an accessory? Or is it the glue that holds your life together?"

But it's true. For five years (at least...) when I was dealing with stress or rejection (real or percieved) or criticism or other 'bad' feelings, I ran away in a sense. I didn't work through it. When I was worried about doing badly in school, stressed over a paper that I couldn't get started...I would shift my focus to my weight and food.

Don't worry about that stuff, focus on being thin. Anyone can be smart, but what if I fail anyway? What do I have? What if everyone I love abandons me? Who am I? What do I have? Don't think about that stuff, there isn't a concrete answer to these questions; can't control if you understand a concept and can't control other people's feelings. But weight...it's simple, measurable, controlable. Eat less, weigh less. If the number goes down, you are good, if it goes up, you are bad.

Ok, I'm done with my rant.

Wow...scary

Wow. This is scary. Makes me realize a few things. Thats about how much I weighed. And I was convinced I wasn't 'that sick'...

Brazil Model Who Battled Anorexia Dies

By Associated Press

Thu Nov 16, 10:46 PM

SAO PAULO, Brazil - A 21-year-old anorexic model who weighed only 88 pounds has died of generalized infection, a hospital said. Ana Carolina Reston, who had worked in China, Turkey, Mexico and Japan for several modeling agencies, died Tuesday, according to Sao Paulo's Servidor Publico Hospital.

The hospital said the infection that killed the 5-foot-8-inch model was caused by anorexia nervosa, a disorder characterized by an abnormal fear of becoming obese, an aversion to food and severe weight loss.

"Take care for your children because their loss is irreparable," Reston's mother, Miriam, told the O Globo newspaper. "Nothing can make the pain go away. No money in the world is worth the life of your child."

Reston began her modeling career at the age of 13 after winning a local beauty contest in her hometown of Jundiai, on the outskirts of Sao Paulo.

"I noticed something was wrong when she returned from Japan," Miriam told the Estado de Sao Paulo newspaper. "She was too thin when she returned and when I told her to eat something, she would say: 'Mom please don't fight with me; there is nothing wrong with me, I'm fine.'"

The model's cousin, Dani Grimaldi, told the Estado de Sao Paulo newspaper that Reston also battled bulimia, an eating disorder marked by binge eating that is followed by vomiting or the use of laxatives.

The world of high fashion and modeling has long been targeted by critics who say it encourages women and girls to emulate rail-thin models.

In September, a Spanish fashion show responded to such criticism by banning models with a body mass index of less than 18. Body mass index is a calculation doctors normally apply to study obesity, and anyone with an index below 18.5 is considered underweight.

Reston would have had a body mass index of 13.4 at the time of her death, according to a calculator on the Web site of the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

When I Fall...I know where I'll be landing

Ok, so this isn't my writing (cuz I can't write nearly this well, lol). But a friend of mine wrote this and basically what they wrote was exactly what I have been thinking and feeling but have been unable to really express.

"The Human spirit is something to behold, a mystery that is wrapped up in our glorious design. It will never be fully understood for it is something that is so close to the heart of God. There are however tendencies and observations that I have made on this mysterious gift we have been given, that is what I wish to share now.

The spirit is something that is hard to define but also undeniably present. I hope that you see you don't even have to believe in life after death or heaven and hell to be convinced that each of us has something intangible that makes us who we are. I would argue that we are defined and molded by this intangible essence we all possess, and this essence is discovered more than learned or taught. This is difficult because of our materialistic society where most people don't know who they are apart from the things they have acquired or set themselves to acquire, but that is another issue. This is my best attempt to put some skin on the human spirit.

There are things that I have recently discovered about my spirit which I think others can benefit from as well, especially those of the Christian faith but not limited to them either. My spirit is like a fire, sometimes roaring and sometimes merely ambers and warm coals. In order to keep this fire going it needs fuel. Fuel for my spirit comes in many forms; time with close friends, God's word, prayer, fellowship, good and fun experiences. These are things that keep my fire going. When I am isolated from friends for long periods of time or I lack the motivation to pursue my LORD my fire grows weaker. And when I live in sin that is like throwing water on the fire of my spirit. And as we all know life is full of sufferings that also take fuel from our spirits.

I would like to point out that as a result of my experiences I will argue that this fire can never be put out. I have been through hard times lately and though sometimes it seems that the sun will never rise on this darkness I have not stopped being me. Rather I have learned more about myself, my true self.

Simply put the human spirit is what makes a person them, the intangibleness that makes a person unique. Many will search their whole lives trying to define or find themselves. Tragically many have died without ever knowing who they really are or believing and trying to be someone they are not. The ultimate tragedy is many others will continue to follow this same path. The journey into oneself is the hardest of all because it is one we must ultimately embark upon ourselves. I continue to make this journey without fear because of the One who is guiding me, walking with me and when needed He carries me. No one knows the creation better than the Creator.

The highest knowledge humans can attain to is the knowledge of themselves, there true selves. This is beyond any of our abilities as individuals, so I give praise and honor to God for making it possible for us to know Him. Only then is our true selves, our spirit, revealed. And what a glorious revelation it is. What better than to live out our days with such purpose and self-knowledge. I say again no one knows the creation better than the Creator."

Numbers scare me

This is about how excited I am for math class tonight....I don't know how people like Corrine or my mom or my sister can stand this stuff. BLAH.

Here are a few others lol. All these I found at Fun and Jokes with Morals.



I really should be doing homework instead of this...Lol.

Oh Canada!

I think this might be my new favorite comic strip




...

Well, at least Rumsfield's gone...

Angular Momentum

Ok, I just thought this was so cute. So I had to put it in here. I am such a girl.

Craziness

So much for deciding not to worry too much about this when I take it in January...

"If you’re a college student or graduate thinking of applying for admission to pharmacy school, you’ll need to take the Pharmacy College Admission Test (PCAT). This national, standardized test is designed by Harcourt Assessment and is used by schools to measure prospective students’ aptitudes and abilities to handle the rigors of becoming a doctor of pharmacology. The PCAT is given three times a year in locations all over America. You can check with the school you’re applying to for specific dates and locations, and the information is also online, and you can register for the test online.

The test takes approximately four and half hours to complete, and consists of 280 multiple choice questions. It’s broken down into five subject areas, plus an essay. They are: Verbal Ability-58 questions on analogies and sentence completion. Biology-58 items on general biology, microbiology, anatomy, and physiology. Reading Comprehension-48 questions measuring your ability to comprehend, analyze, and evaluate written material. Quantitative Ability-58 questions on algebra, geometry, probability, statistics, pre-calculus, and calculus. Chemistry-58 items about general and organic chemistry.

The PCAT is scored in a range of 100-300, with the average person scoring around 200. Of course, each school sets its own standards for a minimally acceptable score, and because of the competitive nature of pharmacy school admissions, some require scores in the 80th percentile and higher. You do have the option of voiding your score before you leave the testing facility if you don’t feel like you did very well on the test. Keep in mind, though, that the test is only offered three times a year, and waiting for a retake could seriously delay the start of your pharmacy career. You and your school should receive your score about a month after you take the PCAT. Because of the importance and difficulty of the PCAT, it’s strongly advised to get a good study guide and spend some serious time preparing for the exam."

Anyways, I am taking a practice exam this morning, so that should be buckets of fun. Who could ask for anything more thrilling to do on a Saturday morning...? I can't think of anything I'd rather do.

And the worst part right now for me is everyone who has already taken the PCAT telling me that I'll do just fine; I'll get into pharmacy school...maybe it's cuz they think I actually know anything. Which isn't really true.

It's just a matter of giving this to God I guess...

Cloudy with a chance of meatballs

"High of 75" - Relient K
We were talking together
I said "What's up with this weather?"
Dont know whether or not
How sad I just got
Was on my own volition
Or if I'm just missin the sun

And tomorrow, I know,
Will be rainy at best.
And the forecast, I know,
Is that I'll be depressed.

But I'll wait outside
Hoping that I'll catch sight of the sun.

chorus-

Because on and off,
The clouds have fought
For control over the sky

And lately the weather
Has been so bi-polar
And Consequently so have I

And now I'm sunny with a High
of 75
Since You took my heavy heart
And made it light

And it's funny how you find
You enjoy your life
When you're happy to be alive

-chorus

And the temprature is freezing
And then, after dark,
There is a cold front sweeping
In over my heart

And we might break up
If I dont wake up to the sun

chorus

Sunny with a High of 75
Since You took my heavy heart
And made it light (made it light)

And its funny how you find
You enjoy your life
When you're happy to be...
Alive

You + Me

"You and Me" - Lifehouse
What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all other people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all other people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

He is strong

No rhyme or reason for posting this; this is just a song I have always loved and was listening to this morning. Wish I could play this one on the guitar!

"For The Moments I Feel Faint" - Relient K
Am I at the point of no improvement?
What of the death I still dwell in?
I try to excel, but I feel no movement.
Can I be free of this unreleasable sin?

[Chorus:]
Never underestimate my Jesus.
You're telling me that there's no hope.
I'm telling you your wrong.


Never underestimate my Jesus
When the world around you crumbles
He will be strong, He will be strong



I throw up my hands
"Oh, the impossibilities"
Frustrated and tired
Where do I go from here?
Now I'm searching for the confidence I've lost so willingly
Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fear

[Chorus]

I think I can't, I think I can't
But I think you can, I think you can
I think I can't, I think I can't
But I think you can, I think you can
Gather my insufficiencies and
place them in your hands, place them in your hands, place them
in your hands

Love Your Tree

Eve Ensler, the writer of The Vagina Monologues came to our campus last Sunday. I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to go and listen to her talk on her play, "The Good Body". She's a really liberal feminist, and I'm...not. Plus I've heard everything there is to know about body image, right? Some of the stuff she said was really blunt and I didn't really agree with it, but I am SO glad that I went. She is an amazing speaker.

For me, the most poignant moment was when she said to us, "Be bold and LOVE YOUR BODY. STOP TRYING TO FIX IT. It was never broken."

"The Good Body" was inspired by the negative feelings she'd had about her stomach. Eve Ensler felt that she overcame a lot of struggles in her life (trauma, sexual abuse, etc) and then her thoughts centered around her stomach and how much she realized she hated it because it was this "ugly" thing that held a lot of bad secrets of her past and defined who she was now.

She went through this whole process to try to understand herself and why was it that she felt so much hatred towards this one body part. And she brought up her experiences as a playwright who interviewed thousands of women all over the world about how each woman feels she hates at least one body part. This one woman came up to her and said "I don't hate my body. I love all my body parts. ...I just hate my face!" Everyone laughed. I thought that was a really good lesson about understanding the reality we live in.

She was very articulate and eloquent in her writing, but also in how she described her experiences, traveling the world and meeting women in places as remote as Afganistahn, etc, who ALL have body image issues to some degree.

Her last story was definitely amazing. She had asked a 74 year old African woman if she liked her body and she said, "Do I like my body? My body? I love my body. God gave me this body." Then she went on to a metaphor and said "Look at that tree. Now look at that one. Do you like that tree? Do you hate that tree 'cause it doesn't look like that tree? You're a tree. I'm a tree...You've got to love your body. Love your tree."

Plus, on a totally different note, probably the whole reason I went in the first place instead of somewhere else I had wanted to go that day (a corn maze with APO) was I had wanted to see some people I hadn't seen in awhile. And I had promised one friend that I'd go with her so she wouldn't be along. And I did see a lot of people. I saw someone I haven't seen in a year, it was awesome!

The only thing I didn't really like about Eve's talk was during the Q&A session when she mentioned specific foods she didn't eat because they didn't make her body feel good (i.e. she cut all sugar/carbs/meat out of her diet).

Well...nevermind, I actually think that was the best part because Dr. Crawford's jaw dropped, he looked like he was thinking, "Shut. Up. RIGHT. NOW." It was sooooo great. I'm still cracking up thinking about his expression.

Maybe lots of people wouldn't see why that comment would be a problem. Marya Hornbacher says that people give us too much credit for having our heads screwed on straight. She is SO right. A lot of the people there I knew from when I was inpatient, and I know they were thinking the same thing I was when they heard those comments, which is something to the effect of, "I should do that too. No more sugar, no more pizza, no more meat. That would be great. It really doesn't make my body feel good, and Eve said we should give our bodies what feels good. Lettuce feels good." The difference is that I may think it, but I know enough not to try it (again).

But I probably only found this so funny because Dr. Crawford scares me half to death. Which is prolly cuz, what he says goes. In the ED world...he is pretty much God. If he says, ok you have to withdraw from school, thats what you have to do or the university will kick you out. And even if you're not in school, he can still sic the fuzz on you if he thinks you aren't 'stable' and you don't want to cooperate.

I personally have only met with him like twice, but both times I was shaking so bad. He didn't threaten me, but knowing that all the other doctors get orders from him made me nervous.

But what I REALLY wanted to do and didn't get the chance to was...well ok, so there's this doctor I can't STAND, Dr. C. (his last name is a pain in the butt to pronounce/spell). It's pretty much common knowledge we don't get along; and to this day I still have bad dreams about him. Pretty sad, huh?

I really wanted to go up to him and be like, "Hey, Dr. C. So I've decided I'm cutting all sugar out of my diet. Whatdja think?" just to piss him off. Cuz as many of you know, he has pissed me (and many others) off plenty of times.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm sure he's a nice guy (in fact I can think of a good example that does prove that he isn't totally heartless...i think), and he's probably a good doctor, but I'm stubborn, he's stubborn, but there really wasn't anything I was able to do short of jumping over the desk and attacking him. Lol. Thats actually a funny thought.

Sorry. I am messed up. Hehehe.

But anyways, he left too quick. Oh well. I'm a chicken and probably wouldn't have done it.

=D

Um yeah I don't really have anything new to say, so I don't know why I am writing a blog.

God is amazing. I am just in awe of everything He's done in my life just within the past couple months...and the past couple weeks. Right now I am just about the happiest person ever. The End.

Coffee addiction?

Ok, so on Friday mornings, after my work shift and before my class, I go to the little Starbucks they just put in the library. I just found it kind of humorous that as soon as I walked to the counter this morning, the barista said 'ok, start steaming up some non-fat milk'...grande...right? Maybe the only reason she remembers is because what I get (grande skim cafe misto 80% coffee), is not on that menu so the first time I asked she was like what's that? Maybe it's because I come every single week. And order the same exact thing.

I mean they have all the other things there, all the frappichinos and stuff, but I guess what I order isn't so popular because it's boring, just coffee and steamed milk. But I mean, I really don't want to order a drink that is $4 and is worse for me than a big mac.

You Know You're Addicted to Coffee When...

You can jump start your car without cables. You answer the door before people knock. You get a speeding ticket even when you are parked. You've worn out your third pair of shoes this week. Your eyes stay open even when you sneeze. You grind coffee beans in your mouth. You can type sixty words per minute -- with your feet. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. You sleep with your eyes open. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. Instant coffee takes too long to make. You channel surf faster without the remote. You don't sweat... you percolate. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. You short out motion detectors. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. The only time you are standing still is during an earthquake! You've worn the finish off your coffee table. All your kids are named Joe. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. People get dizzy just watching you. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. When someone asks 'How are you?' you say, 'Good to the last drop'. You buy milk by the barrel. You can outlast the Energizer bunny. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You can't even remember your second cup. You chew on other people's fingernails. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. You don't get mad, you get steamed. You don't need a hammer to pound in nails. You don't tan, you roast. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You help your dog chase its tail. You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. You lick your coffeepot clean. You name your cats Cream and Sugar. You ski uphill. You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson. You speed-walk in your sleep. You spend every vacation visiting Maxwell House. You think being called a drip is a compliment. You think CPR stands for Coffee Provides Resuscitation. You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. You have a picture of your coffee cup on your coffee cup. Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low. Your taste buds are so numb; you could drink your lava lamp. Your Thermos is on wheels. You're so wired, you pick up AM radio. You've worn out the handle on your favourite mug. You take your morning coffee with you in the shower. Your heart beats noticeably faster as a reaction to the smell of coffee.

Distorted

I saw this and...um, yeah. Watch it for yourself. It's something to keep in mind.

Art In Me

Yeah, I ran out of random titles...for now.

And, yep. Jars of Clay is officially the best band ever in my book. But you knew that, right? It's just something about their songs, they really speak volumes to me. And the melodies are awesome. This ones an old one, but I've been listening to it a lot lately.

But the sad thing is my Ipod battery is dead. =( So no more Ipod till I can get a new battery. This bites.

"Art In Me" - Jars of Clay
Images on the sidewalk speak of dream's decent
Washed away by storms to graves of cynical lament
Dirty canvases to call my own
Protest limericks carved by the old pay phone

In your picture book I'm trying hard to see
Turning endless pages of this tragedy
Sculpting every move you compose a symphony
You plead to everyone, "See the art in me"

Broken stained-glass windows, the fragments ramble on
Tales of broken souls, an eternity's been won
As critics scorn the thoughts and works of mortal man
My eyes are drawn to you in awe once again

In your picture book I'm trying hard to see
Turning endless pages of this tragedy
Sculpting every move you compose a symphony
You plead to everyone, "See the art in me"

I don't know exactly what they were meaning from this song, but this is what I got from it. My life is like a sheet of music. Many times the notes seem sharp, flat, too low, too high, too short, too long...just...wrong. It seems like the song is going to turn out just a cacophony and be a disaster. But God takes these seemingly out of place notes and creates a more beautiful symphony that I could EVER imagine out of it. The song is so much MORE beautiful because of those notes that seem wrong, harsh, bad. I get frustrated with God for letting these wrong notes come into my life, because how could they ever work?

Like I said, I don't know if this was anything like what they were trying to say. But thats what I got from it.

I just keep going back in my mind to last February, and that was my the worst time in my worst year. I thought I was going to die. I didn't see how lost I really was. I was sure that my life had been a waste and nothing was right. But now I look at it, because of that time, my life just seems so much more beautiful and meaningful.

2 Corinthians 12:9 says, "He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Most gladly therefore I will rather glory in my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest on me."

It also says that we won't be given more than we can handle. I really thought I could not handle things last year, but God got me through it, and it just makes his glory even greater and more magnificent to me because he could pull me from my lowest low to where I am now.

As Steven Curtis Chapman would say:

This is my declaration of dependence
This is my declaration of my need
This is my declaration of dependence
On the one who gave His life to me

sdnah ruoy no emit hcum oot evah uoy neht ,tcejbus siht daer nac uoy fI

So one thing about my mom. She is a compulsive neat freak. Saturdays since as long as I can remember have been cleaning day where we (meaning she because we apparently don't do anything right and then she asks why we don't do anything) clean the house from top to bottom. Well I guess this isn't compulsive, it's not like she is always cleaning. But I guess for a college student, once a week to clean everything seems like too much. Or at least to some of the girls I live with. Um yeah. Thats another story I am NOT getting in to.

I'm not really a messy person. For the most part. Though maybe not according to my mom. There have been plenty of times in the past where I was wondering if all my stuff was going to end up on the front lawn.

But when you take me and add 17 credits, part time work, APO stuff, and appts 2-3 days a week at SP and stir well...well it's not too pretty. I was seriously about to have a panic attack because of the sorry state my room was in, but every time I wanted to clean it, I was too tired, buzy, lazy, whatever.

So I got out of lab at 2:30, two hours early, so I did what any normal college student wanting to clean would do. I took everything from all my drawers and closet and shelf and threw them in a pile in the middle of my floor and blasted the music and re-arranged/organized everything. So my books may not be in alphabetical order, but they are all neatly lined up and on a shelf instead of on my floor.

w00t. Simple things make me happy.

If life gives you lemons - trade them for apples

Cuz who likes lemons?? Cept maybe for that weird/cute kid Solomon I was IP with over the summer. He would seriously order lemon as a condiment with his meal and then eat it like an orange. Grossssss. But he was cute. And definitely made me laugh. But thats besides the point.

Anyways, yeah. This is the conversation I've been having with Andrew, my brother, via email. Well, part of it. I am kind of a compulsive every email has to either be in a saved folder or put in the trash so my inbox is empty. Lol. So some of the earlier emails are lost somewhere in cyberspace. I seriously wonder sometimes about his (and my) sanity.

Anyways, I let him borrow my TU ID and password for a little bit so he could download a student copy of a mathmatical program he needs for one of his advanced classes. He is in a science and mathmatics magnet school, so basically, he's already smarter than me.

I have no idea why I am blogging about this. Maybe after so many years of thinking my siblings were the biggest-royal-pains-in-the-you-know-where, and then...well deciding that maybe, somehow they aren't; maybe I started to appreciate the little quirky things about them that drove me crazy.

And Andrew if you read this, I have three words...no wait four words for you...
Hard working; Jack the Ripper.

Like I said. I have five words for you. =p

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From: smartypants@mathgenius.net
[Add to Address Book]
To: myname@somewhereovertherainbow.net
Subject: Warning!!! This e-mail may contain a virus! Approach with caution!
Date: Monday, October 16, 2006 4:29:31 PM [View Source]

I finally finished my project; so, here it is. The best news of all is that I
don't have to use Mathematica for at least another year!

(Attachments successfully scanned for viruses.)
Attachment 1: *******.gif (image/gif)
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From: megan@myemailhost.net
[Add to Address Book]
To: wouldntyouliketoknow@xyz.net
Subject: Je suis une mouche sur la mur
Date: Monday, October 16, 2006 9:51:31 PM [View Source]

Haha, if that email was from anyone except you, I would have deleted it right away. But thats pretty cool. Better than I could do. Is there supposed to be a graph? When is it due? How long did it take you? Where were you on the fifth november of 1190?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: mybrother@hisemail.net
[Add to Address Book]
To: imsuchadork@abc.net
Subject: Methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphen-
Date: Tuesday, October 17, 2006 5:04:32 PM [View Source]

ylalanylalanylglutaminylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylgluta-
mylglysylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolylphenylalanylyalylthre-
onylleucylglcycylaspartylprolylglicylisoleucyglutamylgluta-
minlserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleu-
cylglutamylalanylglyclyalanylaspartylalanylleucyglutamylle-
ucylgluycylisoleucylproluylphenylalanyserylaspartyprolylleu-
celalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisolleucyglutaminylaspa-
raginylalanythreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylal-
anylglycylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphen-
ylalanylglglutamylmethionylleucyalanylleucylisoleucylarginyl-
glutaminyllysylhistidylprolyuthreonylisoleucylprolylisoleuc-
ylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasbaraginylleucyl-
valylphenylalanylsparaginyyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglut-
amylphenylalanylyltyrosylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyll-
ysylvalylglycylvalylspartylserylvalylleucylvallalanylaspart-
ylvalylprolylvalvlglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylpheny-
lalalrginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasp-
araginylvalylalalprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcystei-
nylprolyprolylaspartylalanylaspartylaspartyspartyleucylle-
ucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyroslglycylargin-
ylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginlalanyl-
glycylvalylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginyla-
nylalanylleucylprolylleucylaspaaginylhistidylleucylvalylalan-
yllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagimylalanylalanypro-
lylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenlalanylglycylisoleyucyls-
erylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisol-
eucylalspartylalanylglycylalanylalanylglycylalanylasoleucylse-
rylglycylserylalanylisoleucylbalyllysylisoleucylisoleucylgluta-
mylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpronylglu-0
tamyllysylmethionylluecylalanylalanyoeucyllysylvalylpheny-
lalanylvalylglutamilylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreo-
nylarginylserine.

haha... all of that would have been my subject, but thats all that would fit-
it consists of somwhere about 1927 letters or something like that

yeah, i figured that subject was suitable; in fact, after i sent it, i thought
you might have deleted it. that's not good because i just think i failed my
project, unless i sent my graph's other link, well it was supposed to be
this(which is way cooler), and on the fifth november of 1190, i was ride up the
pyramids of giza backwards in a tutu while selling a electron accelerator to Abu
Bakr.

(Attachments successfully scanned for viruses.)
Attachment 1: *****.gif (image/gif)
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From: megaleg@lovesjesus.net
[Add to Address Book]
To: num_num@washisoldnickname.net
Subject: 2,6-dimethylanaline + alpha-choloroacetyl chloride + acetic acid --> alpha-cloro-dimethylacetanalide
Date: Tuesday, October 17, 2006 11:29:13 PM [View Source]

What is that?? A lipid? A protein? Where did you find that word, lol?

But anyways...I knew it! Now I can FINALLY prove that it was me who did it in the conservatory with the rope. =)

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P.S. Can you tell I was bored? Pay a little closer attention to the email addresses. I wasn't sure if he wanted his email all over the internet so I decided to 'fix' it.

P.S.S. Please don't call the men in the white coats on us...they weren't very nice last time. And the room wasn't bouncy like I thought, it was smelly. *nods*

Je suis un petit étranger bleu

Yep. You guessed it. More lyrics. Am I hopeless or what? I seriously don't know how I lived without music before. I didn't really start listening to music besides what my parents listened to until high school.

Oh. And I was killed by my assasinator. =( Oh well. I hadn't really done anything to get the guy I was supposed to.

"Broken Heart" - Falling Up
In this moment synchronized inside
Words that paint the legacy of life
A different picture will unfold
A healing finds it's way through
Sifted times I take another breathe,
With an ambience of nothing left
So heal my heart, rain down Your Love, these waters bring me back to life

Chorus:
Father, Healer
Deliver me from broken love
Stay here, closer
Let me hear Your voice of Love

There's a Healing calling from the wind
There's a Healer waiting to begin
In timeless places, traced and faceless will I learn to let go
Take me to the heights where Love controls,
Far away from home but feels so close
This empty heart of mine will fall inside and bring me back to life

Chorus

You can hold
You can mend
You can heal
You can break, I hold cause something etched this way

Chorus

Savior, Redeemer
Bring me to this place of peace
Jesus, guard it,
My broken heart is so in need

I am a broken vessel. My heart is weak and small and shattered and the love I can offer is inconsistent and wavering and insufficient. It is nothing compared to God's.

NG tubes really suck

Yeah, I might end up deleting this pretty soon, it is speaking of things too personal. But if you read/watch this could you please just say something even if its just 'hey that was good info' or 'ok, yeah delete this i dont want to see this stuff' Because when I post stuff like this and I see people are visiting my site but nobody says a word, I start thinking that they are just looking at this and thinking 'Wow what a weirdo/freak. Note to self...never speak to this person again...run away now.'



This is not a diet.
This is not a good way to drop a few pounds before prom or your vacation or your big date.
This is not a lifestyle.
This is not fun.
This is not glamourous.
This is not my way of sticking it to The Man.
This is not a game. It will screw with your life.
This is not something that can be given up easily.
This is not a way to boost your popularity.
This is not a way to make your peers envy you.
This does not make you strong.
This does not make you special.
This won't give you control.
This won't make you beautiful.
This does not go away when you hit XX pounds.
This does not bring you happiness.
This does not bring you positive attention.
This does not fullfill your every dream.
This does not define you.
This isn't fun when you can't walk straight.
This is not fun when you realize you've lost control and can't find yourself anymore.
This is not fun when your bruised from head to toe from falling over every day, day after day.
This is not a sickness that can be meassured in amounts of pounds lost, percentages underweight, or BMI's, but it's in the mind.
This is not cool.
This is not something you choose.
This is not something to be proud of .
This is not something you learn to do.
This is not "just a phase".
This is not about a cookie.
This is not even about 10 cookies.
This is not a pretty font or a website.
This is not a "new" thing.
This is not who I am.
This is not a trend.
This is not something I just "got", like a virus.
This is not the answer.
This is not funny.
This is not something you can control.
This isn't who you want to be.
This isn't fun when you're preoccupied with numbers.
This won't make you look like a model.
This will not make you love yourself.
This is not ever under your control.
This is not a game.
This is not satisfying.
This is not something I wake up and just decide to become.
This did not come out of nowhere.
This is not socially acceptable.
This isn't normal.
This is not some "quick fix", it'll stay with you forever.
This is not some club.
This isn't something you aspire to be.
This is not easy.
This will not make you feel good about yourself.
This is not something you do for someone else.
This is not something you ask for tips to learn.
This is not fair.
This is not a way to live, it's a way to die.

As far as control; When you can eat what you like whenever you like, thats being in control. When you can consciously choose between a salad and cheeseburger without having to do the math in your head of how many miles you'd have to run to burn off each --Then you have control.

But this IS something that there is an end to...if you choose.

Edit:
Yeah, just wanted to put reasoning behind this post. It's not something I like talking about, especially because I don't have all the anwers and I don't have everything figured out and heck I don't talk about it because I have gotten my share of weirded-out looks and 'why don't you just eat a cheeseburger' comments. It's not something I take lightly (you should see me freak out on my friends who start having bad eating habits. not a pretty sight). It is something that was really real to me for a long time. There was a time when I had so much in common with those girls. I still have some things in common. Just watching that stuff bring up a lot of thoughts and feelings.

I have seen others go through this and I'd be lying if I said that I didn't have some people close to me that I am terrified are going to die because of this. Its so easy to think that losing a few pounds or doing whatever to look better, or WHATEVER, is going to make things better. It doesn't. If I can help one person not go through this, then I will say this over and over for as long as it takes.

People see this stuff on the news and think 'wow I want to look like this.' or 'i'll be more sucessful or people will respect me if I look this way.' It's not true. I mean, who do you admire most in life? Why? Is it because of what they weigh or what they look like? No, it's because of other things like their kindness, honesty, courage, morality, etc.

And this disease doesn't happen overnight. And it can't be fixed overnight. In fact...it can't be "fixed." It's like you wake up one morning and you don't know how things will ever be normal again, whatever normal is.

Homework is fun

If you call making your brain hurt fun.

...

Ok, so have you ever thought about what or where you would max out your credit card or like if you won a contest, what you would love to win? Of course you have. I was thinking (I know, dangerous, right?) and I realized that what I would want is...a lifetime supply of Light N Fit yogurt. No...seriously. Yes, I am insane, we have established that, right? I'm not joking though. Like you know how they offer like a lifetime supply of...ummm...well I dont know, but DO I know they offer a lifetime supply of something if you are the super lucky winner of a contest.

I am obsessed with this stuff! It's amazing, and I eat like one or two a day. And every time I have to go to the grocery store, I always have to buy like 8 or 10 yogurts. I should buy the big containers, but thats no fun because I don't get all the good flavors.

Ok, ok, yeah, I guess I have no life, considering that the topic of this blog is yogurt.

If I were a peanut butter and jelly sandwich...

So I was walking to work and well I was getting kind of into a song so I was mouthing the words and stuff. I got a lot of wicked awesome "Wow, she's crazy! What locked ward did she escape from?" looks (...if only they knew...). So yeah, good times, good times.

And then I found 5 bucks :-) Lol, j/k. That wasn't even a bad story. I hope.

Sanctus Real - "Everything About You"
Be my light in the darkened room
I'm on my face and I'm calling you
I can't fathom all you've done for me
Everytime it finds me on my knees
Like sunlight in the winter cold

Everything about you, it takes my breath
Away...Hallelujah
I tried this waltz without you and
I watched my great mistake...Hallelujah

Questions fade when you invade
You chase all my fears away
With your love in my atmosphere
All confusion disappears

And nothing but your truth remains

Questions fade, you remain
You are color on a page of white, bright
Like eyes beneath black lights
Like a glowing city on the plains, you call
My name

Hallelujah

Oh and don't ask how the title relates to this. Cuz heck if I know. :-)

I think I've been associating with my brother too much. He's been emailing me and his subject lines are the most random things ever. But its really good, cuz it gives me excuse to say really weird things too...or in other words be a miss-know-it-all, lol. He was telling me the funniest word he knew (absquatulate), so I let him know the weirdest I knew (lithium-tri-tert-butoxyaluminum hydride) and what it did. Or also, his last subject line was in French (hes a freshman in HS) so I started spouting off the answer to his question in French (I've taken 5 years and just a little more fluent than him).

Fall Retreat 06

Well I got back on Sunday from a retreat with Cru to Summit Lake for Fall Retreat. It was amazing. It just really emphasized that my view of God will never been big enough because how can you describe something infinte with finite words? I need to remember this stuff; its just so mind-blowing. The God who holds all the water (3.6 TRILLION gallons) in his hand and traces the galaxy with his palm. And he cares for me. How cool is that? I'm just speechless.

Plus we serenaded the guys with "I Want It That Way." Theres a picture, but I look really bad in it, so I won't put it up. But I will put up the youtube for their video, I realized I never had. Cracks me up every time.



And of course, I have to post some lyrics. Thats what having your Ipod playing on shuffle with 964 songs will do to you when you're walking like 2 hours a day and need something to listen to. Lots and lots of cool songs. w00t.


"Simply" - Pillar
I've made it so hard on myself, turning my back on how You felt
Seeing a lie that led me on, leaving a love that did no wrong
That's what it took for me to say

That You simply love
Despite all the stupid things I've done
It's hard to remember
That You simply love
Even though I know not what I've done
It's hard to remember
That You simply love

I've tried to do all this on my own
Not thinking once of what You've shown
All that I've done has blinded me
To everything that You have for me
I want You to know that I finally see

I don't know why I can't understand
I don't know why I can't comprehend

Asassins

YAY. I get to kill people :-D Lol. Well, not really, but it's still fun.

Our apartment complex is having a game called Assassins, where 40 people signed up to play. We all had our pictures taken and our picture was given to someone else. Whoever got your pic was supposed to 'kill' you (by hitting with a clean sock rolled into a ball). And then you get their target. So I have my first victim. Mwahahaha.

And is it wrong that I'm using the fact that at my job I can look up peoples schedules to help me figure out how to get them? You can't kill them when they're in class, but as soon as they walk out they're fair target. Eh. Well it hasn't helped me yet. But I've been too busy to do any serious plotting.

So I'm off now... (insert james bond music)

Something like laughter

Haha, yeah I know that it seems like the only thing I use this thing for is to post lyrics of different songs. Deal with it.

In my defense, with me living in TR this year, I've been spending between 1 and 3 hours a day just walking to class and places. So I've been listening to my Ipod a lot. Lol.

Anyways its a good thing that I've been walking so much cuz I'm sure I would have gained 50 pounds by now if I wasnt with the way I've been eating. Blahh.

Anyways, if you are into Ska at all, you should listen to this group, they are really awesome. And they have a lot of funny songs too...one I particuarly enjoy is one called "Wizard Needs Food...Badly" :-)

"Something Like Laughter" - Five Iron Frenzy
People say they know a girl
Who's lost her way, she's always angry
No one bothers to ask her
What she hears or what she hopes for
The air is cold, she lives alone
And tires of being her only provider
She can't fathom grace tonight
No not tonight, it's not an option

Searching for more than mere tastes of living water
Tired eyes tend to wander, seek the light
Create in her a sense of awe that sees Your beauty
Let Your splendor flash with blinding light

Cities slowly suffocate
What once was bright is now moth-eaten
As young girls filter thoughts that once were
Fresh now worn and beaten
Clutching pity like a prize
To her side her fingers grow weary
He cares so much for sparrows
Won't He toss something out my way?

Searching for more than mere lies disguised as dogma
Tired eyes tend to wander, seek the light
Create in her a sense of awe that sees Your beauty
Let Your splendor flash with blinding light
Standing tall, all the aspen trees drink water
As the rain falls down like laughter from the sky