Crazy

Things have been crazy. To say the least.

So, I failed my physics class. D+. I don't get D pluses and I don't fail classes. Found out right before I went on vacation. So it pretty much sucks. But I didn't understand the information at all; so I know it wouldn't have been fair for me to pass. But still. Had to drop Physical Chemistry b/c of that. That was the reason I took the classes over the summer; my advisor wanted me to take it this semester.

But on the bright side, I found an open class to replace it, Chemical Toxicology! Which in my opinion, is a zillion times more interesting than PChem. I'm just so happy there was actually an open class, so I didn't have to go to a bunch of other classes trying to add.

And recently got yelled at at work. Well not really, I guess, but I'm just super good at screwing things up. And overreacting. So I'm still getting really mad at myself when I make any mistake; I'm so scared they are going to wish they never hired me and I'll get fired. Probably not true, but still.

Then I've been getting ready for the PTCB, my certification test. There is so much to memorize and I've been wondering how on earth I am going to learn all this. There are so many drugs I can't even pronounce, so how am I going to remember their brand name and the class it's in and the side effects? Or remember the difference between lorazepam and diazepam and alprazolam and clonazepam and prolly some other -epams I can't think of right now. Which one was Klonopin again? Oy. They have a whole class devoted to learning all this stuff, but I've just got the books. I guess I'll get it eventually.

Also, just got back from OC MD. All in all, it was a good vacation. Except me + bathing suit = one stressed out/self concious Megan. Eh, oh well. Oh and also the fact I don't know how to relax. I am so used to doing a bajillion things a day, I like staying busy. So I was going stir crazy part of the time. But like I said, it was nice spending time with my crazy family.

Finally, the sh*tty end to a really really sh*tty week, as my therapist said. One of my best friend's brother died. He just turned 24. Its such a shock, we were with him the night he died, just a few hours before. So please pray for her and her family, they need it. Seeing all this grief and not being able to do a damn thing about it sucks. And the fact is, it shouldn't have happened at all. So idk, I am kind of pissed off at God right now, it's not fair. But I mean, there is a grander plan, I know; I just can't really get myself to spend quiet time with Him, it's just so confusing.

So yeah, all this pretty makes me thing that everything else that has been going on and bothering me is just so insignificant really.

Totally ruined my day...

Geez, the past week has been pretty crappy; and yesterday was actually good until this girl at work made a comment. I know she didn't mean anything by it; but my ED voice was pretty loud afterwards.

So Saturday is one of the pharmacist's birthdays; and we had a mini party on Monday for her. Which was great, but I was only there for a few minutes though b/c I wasn't working that day. But we've had plenty of leftovers around. It's been going well so far; one of the other girls, Lauren, I totally love...when I am working with her we can take bits of leftovers and I don't feel too bad.

I bet you can see where this is going now...

Well Lauren made a cake (death by chocolate!). Which looked amazing. But the thing is; I don't eat cake. I mean I had it on the unit and I had a small piece at my birthday, and when I am with Megan (my BFF ♥), I can do it fine. But in general that is too much of a fear food for me right now. =\

I really am trying though. I haven't been weighing myself every day; I kind of messed up my record a couple times (a week and a half)...but still, thats good for me. And Dr. H and I are still planning on chucking my scale off a building (it is currently awaiting execution in her closet). =D

Anywaysssss, back to my story. So yesterday it was pretty slow in the afternoon and the girl I was working with that day had gotten a piece of the cake. And I really wanted a piece (hard to admit; I would rather say I don't like cake...or chocolate for that matter). So after debating with myself, I had a small piece. It was chocolate with chocolate chips in it. It was soooooo good, especially since I hadn't had much of any dessert, let along something chocolate in awhile. I was able to tell myself, "Well you work till 9 and you get low blood sugar; you are going to be standing up all night, you need to be able to pay attention, so its not too bad...etc, etc."

Ok, so fast-forward to 7:30 8ish. It got really slow again. She had another piece and I said something to the effect of, "Yeah that was so good, I am thinking I might want to copy you and get a little more." And she had said that I had a really small piece, and blah blah blah and that I shouldn't feel guilty. So I took another small piece...A little later the pharmacist was asking me if I liked the cake and the girl says right away, "Yeah, she had 2 pieces!" And just a little earlier we had been talking about dinner and what we were having when we got home (I don't much like eating at work, I feel kind of rushed and I don't particularly like eating in front of others); so the girl said "Yeah I had my dinner, I picked cake over dinner."

Augh, I mean this shouldn't bother me, right? I mean whatever, people talk about diets and stuff all the time, especially at my work.

Maybe I was just upset partly cuz I forgot to take my meds that day. Anyways that kind of screwed up my night. I had been kind of looking forward to having leftover Indian food last night when I got home. I had a hard time even getting myself to have dinner at all. I ended up having something safe and then just going to bed to avoid the feelings.

I mean like I said, I know she didn't mean anything by it and its not like I am mad or upset with her at all; I'm just upset with me. The whole body image crap has been arghhhhh for me lately.

But on the bright side, I just finished the leftovers for lunch today. And it was very yummy, thankyouverymuch. So take that ED! =p

HP#7

I am finally done reading Harry Potter 7! I was one of the people who got the book at midnight, it is something I never do, but it was a lot of fun.

So woooohoo. Lol. It took me so long because of class and work; so I am really glad I finally finished it...it seemed like everyone else already had and couldn't stop talking about how great the ending was.

And yeah it was amazing. Thats all I am going to say, don't want to spoil the ending! But apparently there were people who got the book and it was missing 30 pages. I am really glad I wasn't one of those people!! But they are doing a recall, but that really sucks for them!

I have the WORST luck!

Geez. Monday was not the best day.

I was going to work and I tried to change lanes. Um so I was dumb and didn't see the car right behind me on my right-hand side. So I ended up scraping it on the side. Which I already feel bad enough about, it was totally my fault.

Also I found out that the passenger in the car hit her head on the dashboard pretty hard. After I gave the girl my insurance info and stuff, she decided to take her friend to the hospital and I went to work; I was running late at that point.

But wait. It gets even better.

I get to work (luckily I was only 5 mins late) and guess what? One of the girls had called out...she was in a car accident, she hit her head and was at the hospital. So I bet you can guess what I was thinking...

So anyways when I was at work that day, I am not sure how many times I heard, "She called out, she's in the hospital." So all I could think was, "Aughhh this is all my fault." Needless to say, I was pretty upset.

Today (well technically yesterday) was better. I told my co-workers and they thought it was hilarious; I mean what are the odds?

Greeeeeeeeeeat...

If you didn't pick it from the title, that was sarcasm. I am definitely not in the best mood...

So yeah, my mom said the best thing ever (read: sarcasm again).

I had to get some new khaki pants for my new job at Target. Easy enough right? So when I get home my mom asked me if I had gotten the right size, she wanted to make sure they weren't too tight. I was like yeah of course, I usually buy my pants larger because I want them baggy. She said, well it doesn't seem like it, a lot of your pants are pretty tight.

Thats because I gained 35 freaking pounds!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for pointing that out, because I didn't notice that most of my favorite pants I can't even get on anymore!

Aughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I can't take this crap.

I shouldn't be so upset. She didn't mean anything bad by it. She is the one that cares the most about me. So I mean I am sure that I am overreacting. But geez, that was even worse than all the stupid 'healthy' comments I get.

='(

The Bridge

So, the youth group at my church is called 'The Bridge'. I have been for the past month or so been talking to the youth workers about talking about my eating disorder to them; I am a classic case of how successful one can be without God, and how without Him, I can't live, I can't breathe. I tried, but it just doesn't work and I am left broken, cold and alone.

I really think this is a great opportunity to play a positive role in other people's lives. And this is something I know can impact others, and if I could just help one person; it would be worth it.

I mean the more I think about it...I hate, hate, HATE the ED, it almost killed me, it is something I'm stuck with for life. But the thing is I don't think I would change things if I could. And this has nothing to do with any eating disordered reasons. I think the quote "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," explains it well.

James 1:12 - "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."

I mean I know now that I have such a testimony I can share. I know part of the reason I fell away from God was because I thought I couldn't go near Him because I was so caught up in my self-destructive behaviors so therefore I wasn't a 'good enough' Christian. But that's when I needed Him the most. Ironic, isn't it? I have finally begun to learn that there isn't any sin He doesn't understand; I know that He is my strength and my salvation.

And actually the term 'good' Christian is actually a total oxymoron, not even one of us are good in the eyes of God, we are all stained my sin. The only thing that can make us good and pure in the eyes of the Father is the blood of Christ. And that is some powerful stuff. There isn't anything it can't cover. I mean, how egocentric would it sound for me to say; "Well God, you can forgive everyone else's problems but not me, my sin is worse than anyone else's." Um yeah right, thats a total load of crap. It took me so long to learn that I can't out-sin God. Geez, if I could, I'm sure I would be going to hell with everything I have done.

Anyways I am really excited, I was talking to one of the other youth workers about speaking and she said that they were actually looking for younger women to work with the youth regularly. She had said there are more male than female youth workers and the female ones were not old, but they were moms, so the teens feel like they can't relate as much as they could with someone my age. This is such an awesome opportunity!! I would get to build relationships with them and go on retreats; ahh it would just be so cool. I am just praying that this is God's will, it resonates so closely to my heart. So if anybody actually reads this thing, prayer would be much much appreciated =] (if you do pray).

So yay! :-D

Geez...

I am so predictable. I usually see my T twice a week; but because of July 4th and also she was out on Monday, I had like a week and a half break between appointments. And I didn't see my nutritionist for about 2 weeks. So being the typical anorectic, I thought "Hey, lets see if I can lose weight; I've got time and I won't get in trouble till next Thursday." I didn't do awful, but I didn't do too well either =\. I know part of that was stress related; but I could have made a much better effort to do what I needed to do.

I used my new job as an excuse to restrict, but I already realize that is such a stupid thing to do; if I am not eating properly, I won't be a good employee. I really need to be focused to do my job properly. And I need to get certification as a pharmacy tech. And also my physics class has been harder to follow than usual. Thats saying something, I usually am confused all the time w/this class, but everything went in one ear and out the other, my brain just couldn't focus at all.

Augh this is just frustrating, I just want to lose a FEW pounds; get to this one number. But I think anyone that knows me even a little bit knows that wouldn't happen.

But the thing is when I showed my N my food records and saw the look of disappointment on her face, it made me sad. Especially since she does get really excited when my food records look good or I challenge myself.

So I do have a lot of good things to motivate me. It's just turning things around; which I have already begun to do. One of my favorite analogies to recovery is a road trip. Lots of hills and valleys and if you are like me, lots of getting lost and going in circles. And also if you are going from maryland to california but your car breaks down in ohio, you don't have to go back to maryland. You get your car fixed and you keep going.

My 'car' might have stalled, but that is just a minor setback, as long as I put my 'car' in drive and not reverse, it will all be good. Lol.

New Job

I am now officially a pharmacy technician at Target =) w00t. I have a lot to learn. But I really like the job and my co-workers so far. They are pretty much awesome.

I haven't really had anything hard to do; I have done a lot of putting away all the new drugs we get in (it's tedious!). Apparently that is the 'crap job.' But I am learning all the names of the drugs and where they go really quickly. Which is perfect, I am going to need to know about all the drugs anyway if I go to pharmacy school. And another really cool thing is Target is going to pay for my certification test to be a licensed pharmacy tech.

I am also pretty sure things will not be dull there at all. Besides the fact that today we got so busy, we have some um er ... interesting guests. This one guest apparently thinks her stuffed animal is real, and she talks to it. She has this whole collection and says that her opinion of Target has gone down because we don't have enough stuffed animals. I sure would hate to see her house. She also apologized to one of the team members because her teddy bear was flirting with them. And she also thinks that one of the pharmacists is trying to kill her. If I were her, I would go to another store lol.

Oh, so btw, I passed my physics I class. I got a C. And honestly, I am thrilled. I started physics II last week and have already had an exam. And I think the material might as well be in Swahili, thats how well I understand this material

So I am going to be busy with work and physics and tx and all that jazz. Which is fine by me, I am so poor right now.

Bless the broken road

Bless the Broken Road - Rascal Flatts

I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

[ Chorus: ]
Every long lost dream
Lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart
They were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way
Into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.

I think about the years I spent
Just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost
And give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan
That is coming true.

[ Chorus ]

Now I'm just rolling home
Into your loving arms
This much i know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

A New, Clean Robe

I guess I never realized how cool some of the Old Testament stories were; just how significant they were; how many references there were to Christ. God really shows just who He is and His character throughout the whole Old Testament. I never knew how many stories and passages show exactly who He is and how everything God did was part of this amazing plan and how it all weaves together.

So anyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyways. Back to what I was actually going to post about. Lol. Samuel has a pretty cool story going on there.


Samuel 18:1-4 - "After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself. From that day Saul kept David with him and did not let him return to his father's house. And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt."

Ok, well this story won't have too much significance without some background info/analysis (thanks to Beth Moore =]...I'm not that smart to put all this together all by myself). Johnathan was the royal son of King Saul. He wore royal robes and had the riches of the kingdom at his disposal, and what he wanted, happened. And what he wanted was Daniel to have what he did, so much that he changed places with him.

Daniel, however was just a shepherd boy. He was poor and had very little, he was a servant to King Saul. He wore a simple robe, and it was probably old and ragged and smelled like sheep and sweat. This story doesn't record how David felt; this covenant was based on Johnathan's love, not his.

The covenant that is being referred to was, "I will become what you are and you will become what I am, and our souls will be knit together as one." Pretty cool, huh? This is the same covenant Christ made with us. And like the covenant between Johnathan and David (and also other covenants, like the ones between God and Adam and God and Abraham). It has nothing to do with our love for God, it has everything to do with His love for us.

1 John 4:10 -"Herein this is love, not that we loved God, but that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins."

2 Corinthians 5:21 - "He that hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him."

This story really hits home for me; it gives me so much comfort. It is so cool that Christ gave me His robes, but what I find even cooler is that He put on my robes. The way I interpret this means that He knows better than anyone what it is like to be in my skin. I know it is SO frustrating for me when I feel like nobody understands or even if I could make them understand, I wouldn't know how to explain it. I don't even totally know what it is like to be in my skin myself, lol. I tend to think the opposite, that Jesus didn't go through what I did, He was here so long ago, he didn't have the same things to deal with. But if I look deep down, the same things I feel, I am sure He felt too. Idk, like I said, its just really cool to me. The idea that someone totally understands me.

Nothing without You

Nothing without You - Bebo Norman

Take these hands and lift them up
For I have not the strength to praise You near enough
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You

Take my voice and pour it out
Let it sing the songs of mercy I have found
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You

Chorus:
All my soul needs
Is all Your love to cover me
So all the world will see
That I have nothing without You

Take my body and build it up
May it be broken as an offering of love
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You

All my soul needs
Is all Your love to cover me
So all the world will see
But I love You

With all my heart
With all my soul
With all my mind
And all the strength I can find

All my soul needs
Is all Your love to cover me
So all the world will see
I have nothing

Take my time here on earth
And let it glorify all that You are worth
For I am nothing, I am nothing, I am nothing without You
------------------
Oh and side note; I have a prayer request (for those of you who pray). So I posted awhile ago about talking about my ED to the youth group at my church. Something that is definitely scary for me. The person I talked to has a million things on his plate and hasnt gotten back to me. So I took some more initiative in talking to another member of the youth workers, instead of just avoiding the whole thing.

So I really could use some prayer for discernment, that I do what God would want me to do. This is something I really feel like I am being led to do. I am sure I am not the only one with body image issues And I think that my experience really can show God's glory. I mean when I was at my worst, obviously I wasn't going out of my way to do bible study and stuff; I would have to confront what I was doing to my body and I definitely didn't want to do that, it would ruin everything.

And like the song said, I eventually I realized I was nothing without Him and things have been so much better; I somehow find the strength to fight this d*mn thing. So yay God.

Exam

So its almost 2 am. I have my physics final in 5 1/2 hours. I need to do well to pass. I have been staring at this material and trying to work out practice problems all night. I have yet to get a correct answer for anything.

Physics is not my forte to say the least. Give me some OChem though and everything is so obvious and makes perfect sense. ;-p

This is frustrating. I am not a 'C' person. But thats what I am hoping for. Stupid me for taking an accelerated physics class over the summer. And if (biggg if) I pass, I am supposed to take physics II during the next 5 weeks. This summer is going to be a real ball of fun. Blah.

In good news however, I got the job I applied for - at Target as a pharmacy tech (my major is pre-pharm). So I am excited. Like really excited. =D

I was so scared that when they called my past employers they would totally hate me and say 'don't hire her. she isnt reliable' bc I was in the hospital so much. But luckily I dont think thats the case. I did see my one boss who I was most concerned would think badly and he was really happy to see me in a (relatively) good place, certainly much better than last time I worked there.

It was SUCH a relief; I really respect him and value his opinion. His secretary is a b*tch though and said some hurtful things, which is why I was worried he thought the same things. She's prolly one of the biggest reasons I quit. But I never have to see her again (hopefully).

Ok, I really have to get back to studying. I think I also need to find a caffiene drip, lol. I dont think I am sleeping tonight.

I think I need a life

So, my physics class this summer has definitely given me a few laughs. Along with more than a few headaches.

I might be the only one to find these things funny, but we have already established that I am a nerd. Our lab manual has been written by the dept of physics at TU. And some of the stuff they wrote is...well...interesting. I think they tried too hard...lol

-------------------------------------

"...This is of course a testimonial to the seemingly applicability of Newton's third law to the interactions between ordinary masses..."

Sarah: I've never heard testimonial used in that context before...

Laura: Yeah...'So, when were you saved by gravity? When did momentum touch your life?'

-------------------------------------

"Activity 27.1 - Wapping the Moon with a Super Ball"

Sarah: What the heck? '...So what did you do at school today?' 'I wapped the moon with a super ball!'

-------------------------------------

"You are on a white hore, riding off at sunset, with your beau on a chestnut mare riding at your side. Your horse has a speed of 4.0 m/s and your beau's horse has a speed of 3.5 m/s, yet he/she constantly remains at your side. Where are your horses?"

Laura: That question is a little...special

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Gently, Lord

So I am doing a ten-week study with a woman in my church, it's one by Beth Moore, called "A Woman's Heart." It also has a video set to go along with it. After I leave each week, my head is definitely spinning with just all the things she points out in verses I have read so many times. [side note: these videos are from the 90's so an added perk is laughing at how out of date the wardrobe is]

Anywho, the point in saying all this is I went to E's house last night and during the video, Beth read a poem she wrote, called 'Gently, Lord'. It gives me the chills. The good kind though =)

Gently, Lord
Love me gently, Lord
I'm hurting now.
I've lived to see Your sovereignty
You've taught my knees to bow
I've caught glimpses of Your glory
I've seen Your righteous ways
But right now I need You, Father,
Just to face another day.

You have promised not to always be
Exactly what I please
But You give me sweet assurance
You're exactly what I need.
I need a gentle Father
And the lullaby He sings,
"Let Me tuck you safely
Underneath My healing wings."

Love me gently, Lord,
I'm hurting now.
You said, "Take Your cross and follow Me."
I beg, please show me how
To celebrate my weakness
That in You I might be strong.
When desperation grips my soul
A moment seems too long.

Oh, God, what noble plans I had
To do this whole thing right
Now I fall before You wounded
And I've lost the will to fight.
There are soldiers all around me
They're depending on me, too.
I fear I've nothing left to give
So, again I ask, Can You?

I'll love you gently, He says,
I know you're hurting now.
You've oft revered my sovereignty
Your knees have dropped to bow.
If you could only see things
From My throne's clear point of view
You'd see glimpses of My glory
Are fast at work in you.

I'll love you gently.
Let Me soothe your hurting now.
I've said, Pick up and follow -
I'll do more than show you how.
I'll turn this Throne of brilliance
Into a rocking chair.
Crawl aboard, My precious child,
And I will rock you there.

*note: this is not where I am right now; but I have been there before (as I am sure everyone else has at one point or another), and reading those words just really give me comfort and are something I want to remember when I feel like this again.

Comatose

I think I might be officially obsessed with this new band, called Skillet. They are in a word, amazing! They have this heavy metal/hard rock sound. So you guessed it!! Another set of lyrics =)


"Comatose" - Skillet
I hate feeling like this
I'm so tired of trying to fight this
I'm asleep and all I dream of
Is waking to You
Tell me that You will listen
You're touch is what i'm missing
And the more I hide I realize I'm slowly losing You
Comatose
I'll never wake up without and overdose of You
I don't wanna live, I dont wanna breathe
'Les I feel you next to me
You take the pain I feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna dream
'Cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way You make me feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
I hate living without You
Dead wrong to ever doubt You
But my demons lay in waiting
Tempting me away
Oh how I adore You
Oh how I thirst for You
Oh how I need You
Comatose
I'll never wake up without and overdose of You
I don't wanna live, I dont wanna breathe
'Les I feel You next to me
You take the pain I feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna dream
'Cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way you make me feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
Breathing life
Waking up
My eyes open up
Comatose
I'll never wake up without and overdose of You
I don't wanna live, I dont wanna breathe
'Les I feel You next to me
You take the pain I feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna dream
'Cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way You make me feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
Oh how I adore You
Waking up to You never felt so real
Oh how I thirst for You
Waking up to You never felt so real
Oh how I adore You
The way You make me feel
Waking up to You never felt so real

This makes me sad.

So I did not write this, I found it on : http://community.livejournal.com/ed_ucate/172424.html

Oh and I also took out the numbers, but even with that, it may be triggering. Just a warning.

But like my title says, it really does make me sad to read this, becuase this WAS me (minus the drugs and the fiance). The writer of this piece committed sucide. An anorectic is 56 times more likely to commit suicide than the average person.

"Hi my name is Susy StickFigure, and I'm a real anoretic. Forget Kate Moss, honey. She's chic and we're corpses. It's not about beauty here. It's a one-way ticket into an early grave, and they ain't got NO euphamism for that. Forget how thin feels, maybe you can cheer yourself up and tell yourself, "Nothing tastes as good as a small casket feels." and smile in the mirror.

So my name really isn't Susy, but I am writing about my expierence. If I were to buy into the Mary-Kate and Ashley brand fantasy (now availible at select Wal-Marts in puce, violet, and cowardly suicide shades), I should be swarming in boys, gifts, and happiness. I should have people throwing themselves at my feet. I should be happy. Well, that's the punchline to this sick joke. The real knee-slapper.

I am, at the point of this writing, [her height]. I have weighed myself today, which is rare for me anymore. I am X pounds, which would be a Y BMI. It wouldn't be this high, but my fiance Julie cried for hours when I was maintaining Z pounds, and it broke my heart. I made it up to X pounds, but couldn't keep it. She realizes that this is not a choice, or a lifestyle.

So here it is, bare and raw. Throw out those heroin chic fantasies. Here's the real deal.

These are the glamourous things I've accomplished for my appearance and body since the onset of my disorder.

- Frequent hair loss, and brittle hair. To keep it remotely soft and human, I use more and more conditioner, with less effect.
- dry skin, prone to allergic reactions, rashes, cracking and flaking. I am constantly slathering on lotion.
- my heart is like a stoner at Mickey D's. It'll probably quit without warning, and slack off while at work.
- bruising, both from ænimia and from no fat between my bones and skin. I have them inside and out. I look rather like a tie-dyed masochist.
- colds, flu, pneumonia, strep throat. Longer, harder and faster than normal people.
- I'm constantly a strange mottled purple when it's even remotely cold. My thermostat stays at 78 degrees.
- Let's not forget I'm turning into the Wolfman, as my body is growing lanugo
- my joints sound like an old woman, my eyesight is going to shit, and I have circulation problems so frequently my feet have been diagnosed narcoleptic.
- my teeth are becoming a problem, due to the lack of calcium.
- I haven't had a period in so long, the doctor's diagnosed me with a run-on novel.
- my stomach is a pit of ulcers waiting to happen, from both starvation and over-use of diet pills and drugs.
- I have used such drugs as: ephedra, phenphen, cocaine, meth, and crack to help "cheat" and lose weight or become smaller. (although it should be noted that I've been a heroin user for a good ammount of time, so the illegal drugs weren't a big jump, and were always present in my enviroment. But I doubt I would've tried them without the incentive of their so-called perks)
- Related to the drug use, I have scarring on my arms that will forever be there. I also have collapsed veins.
- to spare the weak of stomach, let's just say Beethoven and I require the same ammount of time and pressure to create a movement.
- at any given moment, I can tell you the ammount of calories in bacon, tomatoes, grass. However, I cannot remember the last name of my third grade best friend.
- I can't sit, lie, or walk for long without my bones jarring and poking and bruising.

I'm sure there's plenty more ill-effects, but I'm getting used to all the quirks of my new body and have probably not noticed. That's how sad it gets sometimes. I hugged a friend, and they were shocked as my heart didn't beat quite nearly enough. I was like, "Yeah." without much concern. Instead of glowing with pride like they suggest, you just learn to accept you're dying. You're literally rotting without the decency to lie down.

Well, I'm still waiting for Cosmopolitan to come banging on my door. I'm sure that since I've accomplished "aNa" I should be all set, right? I should go beam in the mirror at this new wonderful girl that can't walk for more than eight feet, gets dizzy when she stands, and can't function without a load of caffiene.

And, for any silly girls reading with envy, these are only the PHYSICAL effects! Wait till you see the grand prize...... THE EMOTIONAL AND SOCIAL BENEFITS OF BEING A NUTTER!

- My family either ignores my disorder, or tries to support me emotionally while watching me fall apart. This is not endearing, cute, or glamourous. It is tearing them apart.
- My fiance is nearly sick of dealing with me and my problems.
- My finacial situation after drug addiction, hospitals and specialists is almost non-existant.
- Embarassed to go grocery shopping or out to eat with me, my friends are very awkward about my habits.
- People look at me and wonder if I'm a crack head, or a survior of Auchswitz. They get nervous, or think I'm terminally ill.
- When I put my weight down on things, people freak.
- I cannot shop in normal stores without salespeople getting nervous.
- I cannot find many jeans that are both tall enough, and size 1-00
- I can't order food from a cafe, resteraunt or vending maching in under 15 minutes. This makes it tedious to normal people.
- I'm so sick of hearing, "Just EAT something!" I could puke. Or not, since that would be a whole new thing to deal with.
- Wearing anything in public that doesn't have long sleeves, four layers, and sufficiant bulk leads to at least three offers of food.
- Most average people cannot accept that I don't think I'm fat. It's not about fat.
- Most sane people cannot understand that I know I'm sick and I don't just "stop".
- Most sane people cannot understand why the hell I'm this way in the first place.

So there you have it kiddies. There's your THINNER WINNER, a slow slow suicide via starvation and driving yourself, your family, and those who care about you mad. Mess up the REST of your life to fit in a prom dress. Damage the very organs that sustain you to fit in a club. But godforbid, don't listen to reason. Because we all know anorexia is sexy! In fact, I'm sure there's some of us who would love to give a testimonial! But I can't, I feel too tired. And some of you can't pull yourself away from laxatives the toilet long enough. Even more can't get past the feeding tube or IV. Then there's a few we'd need an ouija board to get their side.

Yeah. We're all one big sexy, popular party. Constantly having fun. Except for our club, a VIP pass looks strangely like a death sentence, and membership is more demanding by the day. You still want in?"

Satan is a liarpants!!

You know what? I really did not realize how sick I really was...

This is just a retrospective post mostly. I have been doing a lot of...soul searching...i guess for lack of a better word. I have really been digging deep in my therapy sessions and I am also doing a discipleship with someone at my church and I have just been learning a lot about my ED. Talking to other people (mostly my family) about what it was like on their end...well it has really let me see how totally unaware I was.

So yeah...I thought I had it under control. Yeah. Definitely not. I thought (and still think a lot of times) I wasn't really "all that sick." Ummm, apparently I was. So I am feeling a lot of guilt right now. I look back and see what I have lost - and I regret. Because I don't want to be that person. I liked the way she looked, but there was nothing inside. She was empty, alone and hollow.

It really makes me so sad to see how much I have and how much I am tearing their insides apart. I love my family and friends more than anything else in the world and it kills me to know I did this to them.

To have my mom just randomly come up and talk about how proud she is of me. Just for something like eating grilled cheese for lunch. Even though I refuse to use butter on it; I just spray PAM on the bread to keep it from sticking.

I have seen my mom cry once in my life. It was over her thinking I was going to die. And seeing my 17 year old sister cry (she is the strong one, not me), it still tears me up inside. To make a long story short, she is my reason for living when I can't find one.

However, it is evidence though that I need to continue with my recovery. Satan is a liarpants, and he has been telling me that 'if only I just lose 10 pounds, then I will be ok, I will be content'. Or when he tells me that it wasnt really that bad, in fact those were the "good 'ole days". The pathetic thing is that a lot of times I really do think that! That once I can control my eating again, everything else in my life will fall into place. When the truth is that is the EXACT opposite. When I have my eating 'under control', i.e. I'm not eating, thats when my life falls to pieces.

Lots of work

I have been a busy bee!!!

I have been in an intensive outpatient program for my ED for at LEAST 12 or 13 weeks. And then before that I was inpatient and day patient for a length of time that will not be announced lol. I finally got discharged from the program. And I am STILL doing therapy 2x a week.

But hey, ya know what? It is keeping my butt in place. I have been doing so much better with my eating...I went to cheeburger cheeburger a couple weeks ago and I got ... well i got chicken, not a burger, but i got frings (fries and onion rings lol) and a MINT CHOCOLATE OREO milkshake. Can you say amazingggggggggggggggg??? I hadn't had a milkshake in YEARS.

And today is history in the making. I bought a half-gallon of ice cream. Not fat free frozen yogurt. And it isnt some boring flavor, it is moose tracks, my favorite [chocolate syrup and peanut butter cups]! Ok, ok, I will admit so it is sweetened with Splenda and no sugar added, BUT it is almost the same number of calories as regular stuff!

I guess I am just trying to write all this stuff down before I forget or can make an excuse about how I could have done better or whatever. And also I am kind of just flabbergasted. I look back and think of all the food rituals and see what I have been able to do, and I did not gain a bajillion pounds! Imagine that one.

A Woman's Heart

So I did something out of my comfort zone. My pastor was talking about how we need someone to keep us accountable spiritually. And I was thinking "Hey! Well I do have my therapist to keep me accountable for my actions, but I really don’t have anyone keeping my butt in line in this area." I have learned that this is something that I really, really have to watch out for. It is one of my weakest areas; when my relationship with God is dwindling, my eating disorder is out of control. The time when I was sickest was when I was convinced that I was alone and God abandoned me and had no use for me whatsoever.

So what I did was I went and talked to someone in my church and I am going to be meeting with her weekly. I felt so embarrassed at first, she asked why I wanted to meet with her and I was like 'ummmmm I don’t know, I just...ummmm, it's like sorta...' I felt really dumb. But I felt so much better when she said that she thought it took a lot of courage for me to go to someone I didn’t even know and ask for help. I was thinking by doing that I was being weak, but looking back, its one of the strongest things I can do; admit that I need help.

It is just so exciting though!! We are going through a study called "A Woman's Heart: God's Dwelling Place;" basically on the tabernacle and God's covenant with us. It is really teaching me a lot. The study comes with a movie set. And it is horribly outdated. But what the author Beth Moore has to say are some of the most profound things I have heard. It leaves me with my head spinning.

So yeah. God is pretty awesome. Somehow I can relate to this woman on SO many levels and I feel like she totally understands me too.

I told her (from now on I will just refer to her as E) about my ED and SI issues and she is actually pushing me in a way I haven't been before. I have a lot of coping skills and things I have learned through treatment, but what I never noticed was those were things I was doing to keep it all under control, by myself. So it should be no surprise that I can't and that I am still struggling. Yeah, I say "God, take this away from me, help me give up control;" but everything I do to combat my eating disorder relies on my OWN strength. Which is all but naught next to God.

It is also really good to have a godly perspective on all of this. One of the reasons I have so much trouble sharing and talking about my ED to others is because Satan doesn’t want me to! He wants to keep me stuck keeping my mouth shut and my stomach empty. To keep my eyes on the scale and off the Word of God. He tells me every day "No, don't talk about it. You will just sound crazy or they will think you are making it up for attention. Or they will think you are bragging in a sick sort of way." I have only spoken about it to a crowd once. And boy I felt so awful and scared before, I was SURE everyone would reveal me for the fraud I thought I was. But it was one of the most liberating things ever. I used my voice, not my body, which is a huge part of my ED, I can't say "I am hurting, there is something wrong"; I show it.

I didn't realize until yesterday that this was TOTALLY a ploy of Satan. E told me that she thought I was going to be a Joseph...Satan meant to use my ED for harm, but God can use this for His amazing glory!!!! It really isn’t a surprise that there are so many other people out there who struggle with body image issues, it is so common in society today. And if I can help just ONE person; then it is worth it. I believe this has made me stronger, I can do so many things I could have not ever have done without having this tribulation. Does it make it any easier? Nopers. I still hate my body and want to lose x pounds and I still have so many distorted thoughts. But knowing somehow, maybe, there is a reason for this, it makes it a little easier to bear this.

I want my life to become a testimony to His glory. I am such an example of how trying to control things on my own so does not work. Of thinking I knew what the best thing for me was (ha! thats a good one...)

Mario Bros.

So someone made an analogy refering to Mario Bros in reference to life, and it was a really really good one!

I know in life, there are a lot of times were I just want to stay put. I don't want to go and take risks, I dont want to trust that whatever is out there is anything worth really it. I would rather stay safe. Or give up.

But I mean in Mario Bros, you aren't going to just keep Mario in one spot when he is at the edge of a cliff and let him get eaten by the Gumbas or run out of time, would you? No!!! You would try and get him to save the princess! You would try and jump to the other side by the moving thingies. And if you fell and died, you would try again and be more determined. And you would do better because you know more of the tricks. And then when you get to the other side you get to the ? boxes, which have good things in them. And the last level is the hardest one. So if you die there, and have to go back, then the other ones are easier because you know the tricks. And eventually you win!

So yeah. I really liked this. Lol. Now I am going to try and find an old school nintendo and play Mario and Duck Hunt :-) Yay old school video games haha.