Lots of things

...Have happened since I last blogged. Some good, some bad and some downright weird! Anyways I am currently in the partial hospitalization program (PHP) at SP. 7 am to 7 pm every day. Blahhhhhhhh.

I would be inpatient, but my insurance hates me and decided that I don't need inpatient treatment because I'm 75% of my "goal weight" (state law requires a patient to be inpatient until they are 75% of their goal weight). I was trying to convince my doctor that I'm fine and don't need to gain weight because I am eating. But I signed a contract with a whole lot of mumbo-jumbo, but basically says if I ever come back, I have to stay until I am 85% of my goal weight. So I'm trying not to freak out. Especially since when I was admitted last March, I was 64% of my goal weight (which I can admit was way too thin).

The most annoying thing is it wasn't really even my eating that brought me back in, it was that my depression got a whole heck of a lot worse. I mean, I know the eating and the prospect of gaining weight was definitely a huge trigger for me and it is true that there are a lot of foods I don't eat. I guess my definition of eating well is 'not dying'...so as long as I am at least scraping by and can function, then I'm fine. So maybeee I have just a few distortions.

Anyways it has been an interesting couple of weeks to say the least. At least my life isn't dull. I guess thats a good thing, ya know? Hahaha. A lot of things had been building up for the past month or so and I finally cracked. So yeah, very long story, but one minute I'm in therapy and the next I'm at GBMC with my therapist and have been certified to the ER. Haha I have to be dramatic with everything, what would be the point of me doing the rational thing? Well I mean, things happen for a reason I suppose and whatever the result, I know that there are always going to be people who care about me and that God is sovereign through it all.

I know treatment is for the best. It's just really hard to be there. It's really hard not to compare myself to others and think that I am the biggest one there (which is definitely how I feel). And then I get pissed at Dr. C for laughing at me, but I know thats just because I have been a really difficult patient in the past. And hey, maybe some of the stuff I say is ridiculous. He's a good doctor. But you won't hear me saying that to him, lol.

This whole experience I know is giving me a little bit of time to just focus on me, which I have not been doing for the past semester. I kept myself so busy that I didn't have any time to think about me or my issues. I literally had to write down everything on my calendar or my hand or something becuase otherwise I would just forget. My short term memory definitely sucks. It's painful to look at me and my issues, because I always avoid them and run away from them. But I am learning new things about myself...

Ok, so on a different and lighter topic, life on the unit has been pretty good thus far except for all the tummy aches I have lol. I have had a lot of good conversations and its nice to just hang out with people. Though I am still trying to try and forget a really funny, but really really inappropriate conversation I hear yesterday...lol.

Eh well I gotta get going, I have the day off today and am going to be a bridesmaid for a friend's wedding, so I am going to get fitted!!

Promise

"Promise of a Lifetime" - Kutless
I have fallen to my knees
As I sing a lullaby of pain
I'm feeling broken in my melody
As I sing to help the tears go away

Then I remember the pledge you made to me

[CHORUS:]
I know you're always there
To hear my every prayer inside
I'm clinging to the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime

Will you help me fall apart
Pick me up, take me in your arms
Find my way back from the storm
And you show me how to grow
Through the change

I still remember the pledge you made to me

[BRIDGE:]
I am holding on to the hope I have inside
With you I will stay through every day
Putting my understanding aside

And I am comforted

Update

Ok, well I decided that I should give an update on how things are going lately, just because I got so many replies on my last post. Which btw makes me feel happy.

So I think I have made a decision...I think I am going to 'bite the bullet' and go inpatient over winter break. I really don't want to. But the thought of this always being the way it is scares me almost as much as the idea of gaining weight. Which, according to a friend is good insight. All I can say is I guess it's about time that I finally have some of that. But yeah, I'm tired of running away from my problems and I need to learn that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Right??

Anyways a couple of people have brought up the option of residential treatment. At first I was like heck no I won't do that blah blah blah. And I might not. I probably won't. But I checked out this place called the Carolina House (http://www.carolinaeatingdisorders.com) and my insurance doesnt cover it; but maybe my doctor can convince them to. I dont know.

Residential treatment is similar to inpatient treatment, but it is a longer term stay. If I were to go to SP, I would be there anywhere from 10 days to 3 weeks most likely, not even talking about PHP (day program) or anything. Which would be nice, I'd be in and out pretty fast. I could even maybe still work.

But with that, I am stuck inside a hospital...nothing like the real world, I don't make my meals except for snack once a week and only portion out meals once a week at a 'theraputic lunch' we have. And another thing is I know the stuff we are told in groups, because I've been there before. And since it is so short term, the weight gain is really really rapid and thats really really scary and hard to deal with. And it feels as if we are punished (no shower, phone calls, visitors) if we don't gain the weight we are 'supposed' to and are sometimes even accused of doing something wrong (ie exercising, hiding food, etc). And I guess I understand the premise, but its not like when I get out if I dont gain weight I am not going to let myself shower. And the whole punishment thing kind of reinforces what I am most scared of, that "the number is the most important thing about you".

I know, I know, I should stop criticizing. They are doing the best they can and it is a good program and does work for a lot of people. And I am not saying it wont work for me. I know that no matter what, it comes down to me and doing what I need to do. But if I can do another program where I can really learn what my body needs and test the waters out for a longer period of time, then thats what I want to do.

At this place everyone is in a stable place and wants to get better. So I dont have to worry about patients being there that are refusing to eat and don't have motivation to get better.

So I don't even know whats gonna happen. There aren't any residential centers in MD so therefore nothing within my insurances network. So I dont have any benefits for this. And it would be around 45 days...and would be wayy more than I can afford. But my doctor is (hopefully) going to talk to my insurance company and see if they would consider covering it. So we'll see I guess. And I mean also, I don't really want to go to North Carolina...I want to stay here and spend time with people I love.

So I guess the point of the post, is just pray for me that I make the decision God wants me to make. Cuz right now I just feel like I'm not even sick enough to need treatment because I am so much of a better place than before.

Strong Enough

Stacie Orrico - "Strong Enough"
As I rest against this cold hard wall
Oh will you pass me by
Will you critize me as I sit and cry
I had fought so hard
and thought that all be battles had been won
only to find the war has just begun

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out and start again
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again?

Will my weaknes for an hour
Make me suffer for a lifetime
Is there any way to be made whole again
If I'm healed, Renewed and find forgiveness
Find the strength I've never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God's plan

He took my life into His Hands
And turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance
It's there I finally found

But you were strong enough
But you were pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
But you were brave enough
To take one chance on me
Oh Thank you for me chance to start again

I don't know.

[edit] I reread this and I really don't want to come off as doing worse than I really am. I AM eating 3 meals consistently, and they are balanced and I have not skipped any meals [on purpose...i have slept through breakfast a couple times] since getting out of the hospital. And I'm not trying to sound like some emo kid. Yeah. That's all.

Aughhhhhhh. I hate asking for help. I feel like I am just whining about my own stupid problems and they aren't even that big of a deal, and I should just stop being a crybaby.

Actually I don't want to even post this because to me this screams "You messed up again!!" But I think this time I can say that that statement just isn't true. I hope.

So, by the title of the post...I really don't know what to do. And I don't want to pretend that I do or decide to be stubborn and not try and think outside of the box (...no pun intended...trust me, you'll see the pun in a moment).

My therapist wants me to think about going back inpatient over the break. For once this isn't "You have to go, or we are calling the police on you (that HAS happened...)", it's kind of I'm at a plateau and can't seem to get past it.

I don't know if going back on the unit will help, part of me feels like it won't, I've been there and been through all the groups, I KNOW this stuff. I can psycho-analyze ANYTHING, I can can do thought logs, behavior chains, blah de blah de blah as long as anyone pleases me to. I know more about my disorder than sooo many other people. I could teach the groups on the unit. Ask me a question, any question about CBT or carbohydrates or fats or WHATEVER...I know (most) of it. I have hundreds of worksheets I have done; I've saved them all. Worksheets with the complications of anorexia, ones with different self-soothing techniques, ones asking me to write down things that have happened to me in the past that may have contributed to my ED etc, etc, etc.

And I really don't think my insurance will cover another stay. They are sick of me. And I doubt they will give me coverage unless I am on the brink of death (wonderful wonderful health coverage).

Plus I really need to make money for tuition/books this winter. I am not even going to go into how much my account has been drained; it is a major source of stress for me.

And, I don't want to see Dr. C. I REALLY REALLY CANNOT STAND THAT MAN. But thats a whole other rant...

Ok...yeah. That isn't even the main reason why I feel so ambivalent. Those reasons are just grains or sands next to my real 'reason'. (Read: THE classic anorectic reason)

I. DON'T. WANT. TO. GAIN. WEIGHT.

I don't think I need to, even though I have been told that I do need to gain weight about 3495843895409587438957 times, give or take a few. And this just isn't "well I don't really want to do this"...this is I would rather slit my wrists than do this...I'd rather have a root canal without anesthesia.

But if I go, then I will have to. Like I will be required to gain 1/2 pound a day or I have to drink extra supplements (Ensure Plus), up to four a day. I don't want to even think about how many of those I have had to drink or sit with because I was refusing to drink them.

I feel like I am eating, I am functioning fine, so whats the problem? I can do x, y and z. And q. Blindfolded (well maybe not blindfolded...but still). Then why is every other therapy session with me totally freaking out over and over again over the same things and not making changes? Why do I have to be reminded over and over again things that should be so obvious. Why is it always 1 step forward, two steps back? Why do I keep my routine so OCDish and routined to the T and have to rationalize everything I eat?

My main thought is that I don't really need to go. I am following a pretty good meal plan, I am doing well in school, I'm not isolating myself, I have a social life for once. I have been able to do things I thought I could never do with friends (eat Chinese food...ice cream...a cookie from starbucks [not in the same sitting of course LOL]).

But when I'm not with friends, I have issues. I mean not nearly as bad, but yeah. Can you say symptom substitution? My depression has been off the charts lately...not all the time, but it isn't making things any easier...it's making things so much harder to do. A lot of times, I feel I am just lacking the motivation to face the day. I don't even know why. And then I get into a stressful situation, whether it be arriving late to something or not doing as well on a test or feeling really awkward in a social situation...I don't know how to deal. Or I do, but I don't cope well. I want to injure.

I was discharged from the hospital in the beginning of July. I have not gained a single pound. In fact I think I may have lost one or two. Which I guess isn't that much. But I was pretty much forced to sign a contract before being let back into outpatient treatment saying that I would get to 110 pounds in a certain amount of time. And the stupidest reason why I am so scared of that weight, is I have decided that 110 is a 'normal' weight, because that is the weight you have to be to donate blood. I told my T that, she laughed at me. Stupid black and white thinking.

That never happened. Partly because I had the brilliant idea to do something to make me weigh in up to 10 pounds heavier (not giving tips, sorry lol) every appointment I had, and I didn't get caught until someone said something to someone. So that cat was out of the bag, and I basically freaked and said if they made me go into the hospital I would stop treatment [and i hate to say it, but that would basically be signing my death warrant].

So here I am now. I haven't really gained, haven't really lost. And I know thats on purpose. Every time I gain any weight, I freak and restrict to make it go back down, but don't continue down that path because I know where it leads. But I am eating a LOT. Though my therapist doesn't agree. I know she really wants me to gain weight, and so do other people, but I just can't do it on my own. She said gaining weight will help my mood, but I don't see how it will.

But I can sort of realize that having a very very long debate with myself over whether or not I can have a yogurt that isn't fat free with my dinner isn't what 'normal' people do. Or is that normal?? I don't know anymore, it seems so natural. Goodness. I am so screwed up.

Ok, I really need to learn to condense my thoughts. I guess what I'm really asking is this:

-Do I look 'normal' or close to it? I SERIOUSLY don't know. Do I look as if I am at a normal weight? Or do I stick out like a sore thumb? (I'm not even going to say how much weight I've gained because it just makes me cry)
-Do you think I should do IP again? Or is it a waste. I'm not really that sick or anything, should I just suck it up?

Ok, I really hate being this transparent and vulnerable. This might find itself deleted quicker than you can say 'esophagogastroduodenoscopy'...

A human being...not a human doing

So anyways, sometimes I seriously wonder why my therapist puts up with me lol. I feel like she must think that I'm bipolar at moments. Cuz some sessions I'll come in and be all "la de da de dah, life is great" and then the next session (I must be realllllllly unstable haha, I see her 2x a week [does the humor downplay just how insecure I feel about having to see a therapist?? lol]), just 3 days later, I'm a wreck and pretty much crying the whole time and she has to tell me the same things over and over.

But seriously, lots of times I feel like I'm just wasting her time, it seems as if we are rehashing the same things over and over...and over. Sometimes I just get so frustrated...it's like why can't I just get this right for crying out loud??

But she definitely told me something that I know perfectly well and have said myself plenty of times, but I had an 'aha' moment (dontcha just love those??) this time.

It's NOT about food. Like I said, I know this, but I have gotten so many times from so many people "Why don't you just eat? Food is nourishment. You aren't fat;" leading me to just dwell on the phsyical symptoms. So no wonder why I get annoyed, the concept that food is nourishment and without it, I die is so basic, I know this and understand this JUST FINE.

So the whole point of this tangential blog was she asked me a couple of rhetorical questions yesterday that really made me think and feel at least a little better. The first thing she asked was "Is your anorexia a way of making you feel more whole as a person, or is it a way to escape how empty you feel inside?" And then she asked "Is your eating disorder just like a purse, an accessory? Or is it the glue that holds your life together?"

But it's true. For five years (at least...) when I was dealing with stress or rejection (real or percieved) or criticism or other 'bad' feelings, I ran away in a sense. I didn't work through it. When I was worried about doing badly in school, stressed over a paper that I couldn't get started...I would shift my focus to my weight and food.

Don't worry about that stuff, focus on being thin. Anyone can be smart, but what if I fail anyway? What do I have? What if everyone I love abandons me? Who am I? What do I have? Don't think about that stuff, there isn't a concrete answer to these questions; can't control if you understand a concept and can't control other people's feelings. But weight...it's simple, measurable, controlable. Eat less, weigh less. If the number goes down, you are good, if it goes up, you are bad.

Ok, I'm done with my rant.

Wow...scary

Wow. This is scary. Makes me realize a few things. Thats about how much I weighed. And I was convinced I wasn't 'that sick'...

Brazil Model Who Battled Anorexia Dies

By Associated Press

Thu Nov 16, 10:46 PM

SAO PAULO, Brazil - A 21-year-old anorexic model who weighed only 88 pounds has died of generalized infection, a hospital said. Ana Carolina Reston, who had worked in China, Turkey, Mexico and Japan for several modeling agencies, died Tuesday, according to Sao Paulo's Servidor Publico Hospital.

The hospital said the infection that killed the 5-foot-8-inch model was caused by anorexia nervosa, a disorder characterized by an abnormal fear of becoming obese, an aversion to food and severe weight loss.

"Take care for your children because their loss is irreparable," Reston's mother, Miriam, told the O Globo newspaper. "Nothing can make the pain go away. No money in the world is worth the life of your child."

Reston began her modeling career at the age of 13 after winning a local beauty contest in her hometown of Jundiai, on the outskirts of Sao Paulo.

"I noticed something was wrong when she returned from Japan," Miriam told the Estado de Sao Paulo newspaper. "She was too thin when she returned and when I told her to eat something, she would say: 'Mom please don't fight with me; there is nothing wrong with me, I'm fine.'"

The model's cousin, Dani Grimaldi, told the Estado de Sao Paulo newspaper that Reston also battled bulimia, an eating disorder marked by binge eating that is followed by vomiting or the use of laxatives.

The world of high fashion and modeling has long been targeted by critics who say it encourages women and girls to emulate rail-thin models.

In September, a Spanish fashion show responded to such criticism by banning models with a body mass index of less than 18. Body mass index is a calculation doctors normally apply to study obesity, and anyone with an index below 18.5 is considered underweight.

Reston would have had a body mass index of 13.4 at the time of her death, according to a calculator on the Web site of the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

When I Fall...I know where I'll be landing

Ok, so this isn't my writing (cuz I can't write nearly this well, lol). But a friend of mine wrote this and basically what they wrote was exactly what I have been thinking and feeling but have been unable to really express.

"The Human spirit is something to behold, a mystery that is wrapped up in our glorious design. It will never be fully understood for it is something that is so close to the heart of God. There are however tendencies and observations that I have made on this mysterious gift we have been given, that is what I wish to share now.

The spirit is something that is hard to define but also undeniably present. I hope that you see you don't even have to believe in life after death or heaven and hell to be convinced that each of us has something intangible that makes us who we are. I would argue that we are defined and molded by this intangible essence we all possess, and this essence is discovered more than learned or taught. This is difficult because of our materialistic society where most people don't know who they are apart from the things they have acquired or set themselves to acquire, but that is another issue. This is my best attempt to put some skin on the human spirit.

There are things that I have recently discovered about my spirit which I think others can benefit from as well, especially those of the Christian faith but not limited to them either. My spirit is like a fire, sometimes roaring and sometimes merely ambers and warm coals. In order to keep this fire going it needs fuel. Fuel for my spirit comes in many forms; time with close friends, God's word, prayer, fellowship, good and fun experiences. These are things that keep my fire going. When I am isolated from friends for long periods of time or I lack the motivation to pursue my LORD my fire grows weaker. And when I live in sin that is like throwing water on the fire of my spirit. And as we all know life is full of sufferings that also take fuel from our spirits.

I would like to point out that as a result of my experiences I will argue that this fire can never be put out. I have been through hard times lately and though sometimes it seems that the sun will never rise on this darkness I have not stopped being me. Rather I have learned more about myself, my true self.

Simply put the human spirit is what makes a person them, the intangibleness that makes a person unique. Many will search their whole lives trying to define or find themselves. Tragically many have died without ever knowing who they really are or believing and trying to be someone they are not. The ultimate tragedy is many others will continue to follow this same path. The journey into oneself is the hardest of all because it is one we must ultimately embark upon ourselves. I continue to make this journey without fear because of the One who is guiding me, walking with me and when needed He carries me. No one knows the creation better than the Creator.

The highest knowledge humans can attain to is the knowledge of themselves, there true selves. This is beyond any of our abilities as individuals, so I give praise and honor to God for making it possible for us to know Him. Only then is our true selves, our spirit, revealed. And what a glorious revelation it is. What better than to live out our days with such purpose and self-knowledge. I say again no one knows the creation better than the Creator."

Numbers scare me

This is about how excited I am for math class tonight....I don't know how people like Corrine or my mom or my sister can stand this stuff. BLAH.

Here are a few others lol. All these I found at Fun and Jokes with Morals.



I really should be doing homework instead of this...Lol.

Oh Canada!

I think this might be my new favorite comic strip




...

Well, at least Rumsfield's gone...

Angular Momentum

Ok, I just thought this was so cute. So I had to put it in here. I am such a girl.

Craziness

So much for deciding not to worry too much about this when I take it in January...

"If you’re a college student or graduate thinking of applying for admission to pharmacy school, you’ll need to take the Pharmacy College Admission Test (PCAT). This national, standardized test is designed by Harcourt Assessment and is used by schools to measure prospective students’ aptitudes and abilities to handle the rigors of becoming a doctor of pharmacology. The PCAT is given three times a year in locations all over America. You can check with the school you’re applying to for specific dates and locations, and the information is also online, and you can register for the test online.

The test takes approximately four and half hours to complete, and consists of 280 multiple choice questions. It’s broken down into five subject areas, plus an essay. They are: Verbal Ability-58 questions on analogies and sentence completion. Biology-58 items on general biology, microbiology, anatomy, and physiology. Reading Comprehension-48 questions measuring your ability to comprehend, analyze, and evaluate written material. Quantitative Ability-58 questions on algebra, geometry, probability, statistics, pre-calculus, and calculus. Chemistry-58 items about general and organic chemistry.

The PCAT is scored in a range of 100-300, with the average person scoring around 200. Of course, each school sets its own standards for a minimally acceptable score, and because of the competitive nature of pharmacy school admissions, some require scores in the 80th percentile and higher. You do have the option of voiding your score before you leave the testing facility if you don’t feel like you did very well on the test. Keep in mind, though, that the test is only offered three times a year, and waiting for a retake could seriously delay the start of your pharmacy career. You and your school should receive your score about a month after you take the PCAT. Because of the importance and difficulty of the PCAT, it’s strongly advised to get a good study guide and spend some serious time preparing for the exam."

Anyways, I am taking a practice exam this morning, so that should be buckets of fun. Who could ask for anything more thrilling to do on a Saturday morning...? I can't think of anything I'd rather do.

And the worst part right now for me is everyone who has already taken the PCAT telling me that I'll do just fine; I'll get into pharmacy school...maybe it's cuz they think I actually know anything. Which isn't really true.

It's just a matter of giving this to God I guess...

Cloudy with a chance of meatballs

"High of 75" - Relient K
We were talking together
I said "What's up with this weather?"
Dont know whether or not
How sad I just got
Was on my own volition
Or if I'm just missin the sun

And tomorrow, I know,
Will be rainy at best.
And the forecast, I know,
Is that I'll be depressed.

But I'll wait outside
Hoping that I'll catch sight of the sun.

chorus-

Because on and off,
The clouds have fought
For control over the sky

And lately the weather
Has been so bi-polar
And Consequently so have I

And now I'm sunny with a High
of 75
Since You took my heavy heart
And made it light

And it's funny how you find
You enjoy your life
When you're happy to be alive

-chorus

And the temprature is freezing
And then, after dark,
There is a cold front sweeping
In over my heart

And we might break up
If I dont wake up to the sun

chorus

Sunny with a High of 75
Since You took my heavy heart
And made it light (made it light)

And its funny how you find
You enjoy your life
When you're happy to be...
Alive

You + Me

"You and Me" - Lifehouse
What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all other people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all other people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

He is strong

No rhyme or reason for posting this; this is just a song I have always loved and was listening to this morning. Wish I could play this one on the guitar!

"For The Moments I Feel Faint" - Relient K
Am I at the point of no improvement?
What of the death I still dwell in?
I try to excel, but I feel no movement.
Can I be free of this unreleasable sin?

[Chorus:]
Never underestimate my Jesus.
You're telling me that there's no hope.
I'm telling you your wrong.


Never underestimate my Jesus
When the world around you crumbles
He will be strong, He will be strong



I throw up my hands
"Oh, the impossibilities"
Frustrated and tired
Where do I go from here?
Now I'm searching for the confidence I've lost so willingly
Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fear

[Chorus]

I think I can't, I think I can't
But I think you can, I think you can
I think I can't, I think I can't
But I think you can, I think you can
Gather my insufficiencies and
place them in your hands, place them in your hands, place them
in your hands

Love Your Tree

Eve Ensler, the writer of The Vagina Monologues came to our campus last Sunday. I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to go and listen to her talk on her play, "The Good Body". She's a really liberal feminist, and I'm...not. Plus I've heard everything there is to know about body image, right? Some of the stuff she said was really blunt and I didn't really agree with it, but I am SO glad that I went. She is an amazing speaker.

For me, the most poignant moment was when she said to us, "Be bold and LOVE YOUR BODY. STOP TRYING TO FIX IT. It was never broken."

"The Good Body" was inspired by the negative feelings she'd had about her stomach. Eve Ensler felt that she overcame a lot of struggles in her life (trauma, sexual abuse, etc) and then her thoughts centered around her stomach and how much she realized she hated it because it was this "ugly" thing that held a lot of bad secrets of her past and defined who she was now.

She went through this whole process to try to understand herself and why was it that she felt so much hatred towards this one body part. And she brought up her experiences as a playwright who interviewed thousands of women all over the world about how each woman feels she hates at least one body part. This one woman came up to her and said "I don't hate my body. I love all my body parts. ...I just hate my face!" Everyone laughed. I thought that was a really good lesson about understanding the reality we live in.

She was very articulate and eloquent in her writing, but also in how she described her experiences, traveling the world and meeting women in places as remote as Afganistahn, etc, who ALL have body image issues to some degree.

Her last story was definitely amazing. She had asked a 74 year old African woman if she liked her body and she said, "Do I like my body? My body? I love my body. God gave me this body." Then she went on to a metaphor and said "Look at that tree. Now look at that one. Do you like that tree? Do you hate that tree 'cause it doesn't look like that tree? You're a tree. I'm a tree...You've got to love your body. Love your tree."

Plus, on a totally different note, probably the whole reason I went in the first place instead of somewhere else I had wanted to go that day (a corn maze with APO) was I had wanted to see some people I hadn't seen in awhile. And I had promised one friend that I'd go with her so she wouldn't be along. And I did see a lot of people. I saw someone I haven't seen in a year, it was awesome!

The only thing I didn't really like about Eve's talk was during the Q&A session when she mentioned specific foods she didn't eat because they didn't make her body feel good (i.e. she cut all sugar/carbs/meat out of her diet).

Well...nevermind, I actually think that was the best part because Dr. Crawford's jaw dropped, he looked like he was thinking, "Shut. Up. RIGHT. NOW." It was sooooo great. I'm still cracking up thinking about his expression.

Maybe lots of people wouldn't see why that comment would be a problem. Marya Hornbacher says that people give us too much credit for having our heads screwed on straight. She is SO right. A lot of the people there I knew from when I was inpatient, and I know they were thinking the same thing I was when they heard those comments, which is something to the effect of, "I should do that too. No more sugar, no more pizza, no more meat. That would be great. It really doesn't make my body feel good, and Eve said we should give our bodies what feels good. Lettuce feels good." The difference is that I may think it, but I know enough not to try it (again).

But I probably only found this so funny because Dr. Crawford scares me half to death. Which is prolly cuz, what he says goes. In the ED world...he is pretty much God. If he says, ok you have to withdraw from school, thats what you have to do or the university will kick you out. And even if you're not in school, he can still sic the fuzz on you if he thinks you aren't 'stable' and you don't want to cooperate.

I personally have only met with him like twice, but both times I was shaking so bad. He didn't threaten me, but knowing that all the other doctors get orders from him made me nervous.

But what I REALLY wanted to do and didn't get the chance to was...well ok, so there's this doctor I can't STAND, Dr. C. (his last name is a pain in the butt to pronounce/spell). It's pretty much common knowledge we don't get along; and to this day I still have bad dreams about him. Pretty sad, huh?

I really wanted to go up to him and be like, "Hey, Dr. C. So I've decided I'm cutting all sugar out of my diet. Whatdja think?" just to piss him off. Cuz as many of you know, he has pissed me (and many others) off plenty of times.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm sure he's a nice guy (in fact I can think of a good example that does prove that he isn't totally heartless...i think), and he's probably a good doctor, but I'm stubborn, he's stubborn, but there really wasn't anything I was able to do short of jumping over the desk and attacking him. Lol. Thats actually a funny thought.

Sorry. I am messed up. Hehehe.

But anyways, he left too quick. Oh well. I'm a chicken and probably wouldn't have done it.

=D

Um yeah I don't really have anything new to say, so I don't know why I am writing a blog.

God is amazing. I am just in awe of everything He's done in my life just within the past couple months...and the past couple weeks. Right now I am just about the happiest person ever. The End.

Coffee addiction?

Ok, so on Friday mornings, after my work shift and before my class, I go to the little Starbucks they just put in the library. I just found it kind of humorous that as soon as I walked to the counter this morning, the barista said 'ok, start steaming up some non-fat milk'...grande...right? Maybe the only reason she remembers is because what I get (grande skim cafe misto 80% coffee), is not on that menu so the first time I asked she was like what's that? Maybe it's because I come every single week. And order the same exact thing.

I mean they have all the other things there, all the frappichinos and stuff, but I guess what I order isn't so popular because it's boring, just coffee and steamed milk. But I mean, I really don't want to order a drink that is $4 and is worse for me than a big mac.

You Know You're Addicted to Coffee When...

You can jump start your car without cables. You answer the door before people knock. You get a speeding ticket even when you are parked. You've worn out your third pair of shoes this week. Your eyes stay open even when you sneeze. You grind coffee beans in your mouth. You can type sixty words per minute -- with your feet. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. You sleep with your eyes open. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. Instant coffee takes too long to make. You channel surf faster without the remote. You don't sweat... you percolate. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. You short out motion detectors. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. The only time you are standing still is during an earthquake! You've worn the finish off your coffee table. All your kids are named Joe. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. People get dizzy just watching you. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. When someone asks 'How are you?' you say, 'Good to the last drop'. You buy milk by the barrel. You can outlast the Energizer bunny. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You can't even remember your second cup. You chew on other people's fingernails. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. You don't get mad, you get steamed. You don't need a hammer to pound in nails. You don't tan, you roast. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You help your dog chase its tail. You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. You lick your coffeepot clean. You name your cats Cream and Sugar. You ski uphill. You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson. You speed-walk in your sleep. You spend every vacation visiting Maxwell House. You think being called a drip is a compliment. You think CPR stands for Coffee Provides Resuscitation. You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. You have a picture of your coffee cup on your coffee cup. Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low. Your taste buds are so numb; you could drink your lava lamp. Your Thermos is on wheels. You're so wired, you pick up AM radio. You've worn out the handle on your favourite mug. You take your morning coffee with you in the shower. Your heart beats noticeably faster as a reaction to the smell of coffee.

Distorted

I saw this and...um, yeah. Watch it for yourself. It's something to keep in mind.

Art In Me

Yeah, I ran out of random titles...for now.

And, yep. Jars of Clay is officially the best band ever in my book. But you knew that, right? It's just something about their songs, they really speak volumes to me. And the melodies are awesome. This ones an old one, but I've been listening to it a lot lately.

But the sad thing is my Ipod battery is dead. =( So no more Ipod till I can get a new battery. This bites.

"Art In Me" - Jars of Clay
Images on the sidewalk speak of dream's decent
Washed away by storms to graves of cynical lament
Dirty canvases to call my own
Protest limericks carved by the old pay phone

In your picture book I'm trying hard to see
Turning endless pages of this tragedy
Sculpting every move you compose a symphony
You plead to everyone, "See the art in me"

Broken stained-glass windows, the fragments ramble on
Tales of broken souls, an eternity's been won
As critics scorn the thoughts and works of mortal man
My eyes are drawn to you in awe once again

In your picture book I'm trying hard to see
Turning endless pages of this tragedy
Sculpting every move you compose a symphony
You plead to everyone, "See the art in me"

I don't know exactly what they were meaning from this song, but this is what I got from it. My life is like a sheet of music. Many times the notes seem sharp, flat, too low, too high, too short, too long...just...wrong. It seems like the song is going to turn out just a cacophony and be a disaster. But God takes these seemingly out of place notes and creates a more beautiful symphony that I could EVER imagine out of it. The song is so much MORE beautiful because of those notes that seem wrong, harsh, bad. I get frustrated with God for letting these wrong notes come into my life, because how could they ever work?

Like I said, I don't know if this was anything like what they were trying to say. But thats what I got from it.

I just keep going back in my mind to last February, and that was my the worst time in my worst year. I thought I was going to die. I didn't see how lost I really was. I was sure that my life had been a waste and nothing was right. But now I look at it, because of that time, my life just seems so much more beautiful and meaningful.

2 Corinthians 12:9 says, "He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Most gladly therefore I will rather glory in my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest on me."

It also says that we won't be given more than we can handle. I really thought I could not handle things last year, but God got me through it, and it just makes his glory even greater and more magnificent to me because he could pull me from my lowest low to where I am now.

As Steven Curtis Chapman would say:

This is my declaration of dependence
This is my declaration of my need
This is my declaration of dependence
On the one who gave His life to me

sdnah ruoy no emit hcum oot evah uoy neht ,tcejbus siht daer nac uoy fI

So one thing about my mom. She is a compulsive neat freak. Saturdays since as long as I can remember have been cleaning day where we (meaning she because we apparently don't do anything right and then she asks why we don't do anything) clean the house from top to bottom. Well I guess this isn't compulsive, it's not like she is always cleaning. But I guess for a college student, once a week to clean everything seems like too much. Or at least to some of the girls I live with. Um yeah. Thats another story I am NOT getting in to.

I'm not really a messy person. For the most part. Though maybe not according to my mom. There have been plenty of times in the past where I was wondering if all my stuff was going to end up on the front lawn.

But when you take me and add 17 credits, part time work, APO stuff, and appts 2-3 days a week at SP and stir well...well it's not too pretty. I was seriously about to have a panic attack because of the sorry state my room was in, but every time I wanted to clean it, I was too tired, buzy, lazy, whatever.

So I got out of lab at 2:30, two hours early, so I did what any normal college student wanting to clean would do. I took everything from all my drawers and closet and shelf and threw them in a pile in the middle of my floor and blasted the music and re-arranged/organized everything. So my books may not be in alphabetical order, but they are all neatly lined up and on a shelf instead of on my floor.

w00t. Simple things make me happy.

If life gives you lemons - trade them for apples

Cuz who likes lemons?? Cept maybe for that weird/cute kid Solomon I was IP with over the summer. He would seriously order lemon as a condiment with his meal and then eat it like an orange. Grossssss. But he was cute. And definitely made me laugh. But thats besides the point.

Anyways, yeah. This is the conversation I've been having with Andrew, my brother, via email. Well, part of it. I am kind of a compulsive every email has to either be in a saved folder or put in the trash so my inbox is empty. Lol. So some of the earlier emails are lost somewhere in cyberspace. I seriously wonder sometimes about his (and my) sanity.

Anyways, I let him borrow my TU ID and password for a little bit so he could download a student copy of a mathmatical program he needs for one of his advanced classes. He is in a science and mathmatics magnet school, so basically, he's already smarter than me.

I have no idea why I am blogging about this. Maybe after so many years of thinking my siblings were the biggest-royal-pains-in-the-you-know-where, and then...well deciding that maybe, somehow they aren't; maybe I started to appreciate the little quirky things about them that drove me crazy.

And Andrew if you read this, I have three words...no wait four words for you...
Hard working; Jack the Ripper.

Like I said. I have five words for you. =p

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From: smartypants@mathgenius.net
[Add to Address Book]
To: myname@somewhereovertherainbow.net
Subject: Warning!!! This e-mail may contain a virus! Approach with caution!
Date: Monday, October 16, 2006 4:29:31 PM [View Source]

I finally finished my project; so, here it is. The best news of all is that I
don't have to use Mathematica for at least another year!

(Attachments successfully scanned for viruses.)
Attachment 1: *******.gif (image/gif)
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From: megan@myemailhost.net
[Add to Address Book]
To: wouldntyouliketoknow@xyz.net
Subject: Je suis une mouche sur la mur
Date: Monday, October 16, 2006 9:51:31 PM [View Source]

Haha, if that email was from anyone except you, I would have deleted it right away. But thats pretty cool. Better than I could do. Is there supposed to be a graph? When is it due? How long did it take you? Where were you on the fifth november of 1190?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: mybrother@hisemail.net
[Add to Address Book]
To: imsuchadork@abc.net
Subject: Methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphen-
Date: Tuesday, October 17, 2006 5:04:32 PM [View Source]

ylalanylalanylglutaminylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylgluta-
mylglysylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolylphenylalanylyalylthre-
onylleucylglcycylaspartylprolylglicylisoleucyglutamylgluta-
minlserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleu-
cylglutamylalanylglyclyalanylaspartylalanylleucyglutamylle-
ucylgluycylisoleucylproluylphenylalanyserylaspartyprolylleu-
celalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisolleucyglutaminylaspa-
raginylalanythreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylal-
anylglycylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphen-
ylalanylglglutamylmethionylleucyalanylleucylisoleucylarginyl-
glutaminyllysylhistidylprolyuthreonylisoleucylprolylisoleuc-
ylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasbaraginylleucyl-
valylphenylalanylsparaginyyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglut-
amylphenylalanylyltyrosylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyll-
ysylvalylglycylvalylspartylserylvalylleucylvallalanylaspart-
ylvalylprolylvalvlglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylpheny-
lalalrginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasp-
araginylvalylalalprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcystei-
nylprolyprolylaspartylalanylaspartylaspartyspartyleucylle-
ucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyroslglycylargin-
ylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginlalanyl-
glycylvalylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginyla-
nylalanylleucylprolylleucylaspaaginylhistidylleucylvalylalan-
yllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagimylalanylalanypro-
lylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenlalanylglycylisoleyucyls-
erylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisol-
eucylalspartylalanylglycylalanylalanylglycylalanylasoleucylse-
rylglycylserylalanylisoleucylbalyllysylisoleucylisoleucylgluta-
mylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpronylglu-0
tamyllysylmethionylluecylalanylalanyoeucyllysylvalylpheny-
lalanylvalylglutamilylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreo-
nylarginylserine.

haha... all of that would have been my subject, but thats all that would fit-
it consists of somwhere about 1927 letters or something like that

yeah, i figured that subject was suitable; in fact, after i sent it, i thought
you might have deleted it. that's not good because i just think i failed my
project, unless i sent my graph's other link, well it was supposed to be
this(which is way cooler), and on the fifth november of 1190, i was ride up the
pyramids of giza backwards in a tutu while selling a electron accelerator to Abu
Bakr.

(Attachments successfully scanned for viruses.)
Attachment 1: *****.gif (image/gif)
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From: megaleg@lovesjesus.net
[Add to Address Book]
To: num_num@washisoldnickname.net
Subject: 2,6-dimethylanaline + alpha-choloroacetyl chloride + acetic acid --> alpha-cloro-dimethylacetanalide
Date: Tuesday, October 17, 2006 11:29:13 PM [View Source]

What is that?? A lipid? A protein? Where did you find that word, lol?

But anyways...I knew it! Now I can FINALLY prove that it was me who did it in the conservatory with the rope. =)

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P.S. Can you tell I was bored? Pay a little closer attention to the email addresses. I wasn't sure if he wanted his email all over the internet so I decided to 'fix' it.

P.S.S. Please don't call the men in the white coats on us...they weren't very nice last time. And the room wasn't bouncy like I thought, it was smelly. *nods*

Je suis un petit étranger bleu

Yep. You guessed it. More lyrics. Am I hopeless or what? I seriously don't know how I lived without music before. I didn't really start listening to music besides what my parents listened to until high school.

Oh. And I was killed by my assasinator. =( Oh well. I hadn't really done anything to get the guy I was supposed to.

"Broken Heart" - Falling Up
In this moment synchronized inside
Words that paint the legacy of life
A different picture will unfold
A healing finds it's way through
Sifted times I take another breathe,
With an ambience of nothing left
So heal my heart, rain down Your Love, these waters bring me back to life

Chorus:
Father, Healer
Deliver me from broken love
Stay here, closer
Let me hear Your voice of Love

There's a Healing calling from the wind
There's a Healer waiting to begin
In timeless places, traced and faceless will I learn to let go
Take me to the heights where Love controls,
Far away from home but feels so close
This empty heart of mine will fall inside and bring me back to life

Chorus

You can hold
You can mend
You can heal
You can break, I hold cause something etched this way

Chorus

Savior, Redeemer
Bring me to this place of peace
Jesus, guard it,
My broken heart is so in need

I am a broken vessel. My heart is weak and small and shattered and the love I can offer is inconsistent and wavering and insufficient. It is nothing compared to God's.

NG tubes really suck

Yeah, I might end up deleting this pretty soon, it is speaking of things too personal. But if you read/watch this could you please just say something even if its just 'hey that was good info' or 'ok, yeah delete this i dont want to see this stuff' Because when I post stuff like this and I see people are visiting my site but nobody says a word, I start thinking that they are just looking at this and thinking 'Wow what a weirdo/freak. Note to self...never speak to this person again...run away now.'



This is not a diet.
This is not a good way to drop a few pounds before prom or your vacation or your big date.
This is not a lifestyle.
This is not fun.
This is not glamourous.
This is not my way of sticking it to The Man.
This is not a game. It will screw with your life.
This is not something that can be given up easily.
This is not a way to boost your popularity.
This is not a way to make your peers envy you.
This does not make you strong.
This does not make you special.
This won't give you control.
This won't make you beautiful.
This does not go away when you hit XX pounds.
This does not bring you happiness.
This does not bring you positive attention.
This does not fullfill your every dream.
This does not define you.
This isn't fun when you can't walk straight.
This is not fun when you realize you've lost control and can't find yourself anymore.
This is not fun when your bruised from head to toe from falling over every day, day after day.
This is not a sickness that can be meassured in amounts of pounds lost, percentages underweight, or BMI's, but it's in the mind.
This is not cool.
This is not something you choose.
This is not something to be proud of .
This is not something you learn to do.
This is not "just a phase".
This is not about a cookie.
This is not even about 10 cookies.
This is not a pretty font or a website.
This is not a "new" thing.
This is not who I am.
This is not a trend.
This is not something I just "got", like a virus.
This is not the answer.
This is not funny.
This is not something you can control.
This isn't who you want to be.
This isn't fun when you're preoccupied with numbers.
This won't make you look like a model.
This will not make you love yourself.
This is not ever under your control.
This is not a game.
This is not satisfying.
This is not something I wake up and just decide to become.
This did not come out of nowhere.
This is not socially acceptable.
This isn't normal.
This is not some "quick fix", it'll stay with you forever.
This is not some club.
This isn't something you aspire to be.
This is not easy.
This will not make you feel good about yourself.
This is not something you do for someone else.
This is not something you ask for tips to learn.
This is not fair.
This is not a way to live, it's a way to die.

As far as control; When you can eat what you like whenever you like, thats being in control. When you can consciously choose between a salad and cheeseburger without having to do the math in your head of how many miles you'd have to run to burn off each --Then you have control.

But this IS something that there is an end to...if you choose.

Edit:
Yeah, just wanted to put reasoning behind this post. It's not something I like talking about, especially because I don't have all the anwers and I don't have everything figured out and heck I don't talk about it because I have gotten my share of weirded-out looks and 'why don't you just eat a cheeseburger' comments. It's not something I take lightly (you should see me freak out on my friends who start having bad eating habits. not a pretty sight). It is something that was really real to me for a long time. There was a time when I had so much in common with those girls. I still have some things in common. Just watching that stuff bring up a lot of thoughts and feelings.

I have seen others go through this and I'd be lying if I said that I didn't have some people close to me that I am terrified are going to die because of this. Its so easy to think that losing a few pounds or doing whatever to look better, or WHATEVER, is going to make things better. It doesn't. If I can help one person not go through this, then I will say this over and over for as long as it takes.

People see this stuff on the news and think 'wow I want to look like this.' or 'i'll be more sucessful or people will respect me if I look this way.' It's not true. I mean, who do you admire most in life? Why? Is it because of what they weigh or what they look like? No, it's because of other things like their kindness, honesty, courage, morality, etc.

And this disease doesn't happen overnight. And it can't be fixed overnight. In fact...it can't be "fixed." It's like you wake up one morning and you don't know how things will ever be normal again, whatever normal is.

Homework is fun

If you call making your brain hurt fun.

...

Ok, so have you ever thought about what or where you would max out your credit card or like if you won a contest, what you would love to win? Of course you have. I was thinking (I know, dangerous, right?) and I realized that what I would want is...a lifetime supply of Light N Fit yogurt. No...seriously. Yes, I am insane, we have established that, right? I'm not joking though. Like you know how they offer like a lifetime supply of...ummm...well I dont know, but DO I know they offer a lifetime supply of something if you are the super lucky winner of a contest.

I am obsessed with this stuff! It's amazing, and I eat like one or two a day. And every time I have to go to the grocery store, I always have to buy like 8 or 10 yogurts. I should buy the big containers, but thats no fun because I don't get all the good flavors.

Ok, ok, yeah, I guess I have no life, considering that the topic of this blog is yogurt.

If I were a peanut butter and jelly sandwich...

So I was walking to work and well I was getting kind of into a song so I was mouthing the words and stuff. I got a lot of wicked awesome "Wow, she's crazy! What locked ward did she escape from?" looks (...if only they knew...). So yeah, good times, good times.

And then I found 5 bucks :-) Lol, j/k. That wasn't even a bad story. I hope.

Sanctus Real - "Everything About You"
Be my light in the darkened room
I'm on my face and I'm calling you
I can't fathom all you've done for me
Everytime it finds me on my knees
Like sunlight in the winter cold

Everything about you, it takes my breath
Away...Hallelujah
I tried this waltz without you and
I watched my great mistake...Hallelujah

Questions fade when you invade
You chase all my fears away
With your love in my atmosphere
All confusion disappears

And nothing but your truth remains

Questions fade, you remain
You are color on a page of white, bright
Like eyes beneath black lights
Like a glowing city on the plains, you call
My name

Hallelujah

Oh and don't ask how the title relates to this. Cuz heck if I know. :-)

I think I've been associating with my brother too much. He's been emailing me and his subject lines are the most random things ever. But its really good, cuz it gives me excuse to say really weird things too...or in other words be a miss-know-it-all, lol. He was telling me the funniest word he knew (absquatulate), so I let him know the weirdest I knew (lithium-tri-tert-butoxyaluminum hydride) and what it did. Or also, his last subject line was in French (hes a freshman in HS) so I started spouting off the answer to his question in French (I've taken 5 years and just a little more fluent than him).

Fall Retreat 06

Well I got back on Sunday from a retreat with Cru to Summit Lake for Fall Retreat. It was amazing. It just really emphasized that my view of God will never been big enough because how can you describe something infinte with finite words? I need to remember this stuff; its just so mind-blowing. The God who holds all the water (3.6 TRILLION gallons) in his hand and traces the galaxy with his palm. And he cares for me. How cool is that? I'm just speechless.

Plus we serenaded the guys with "I Want It That Way." Theres a picture, but I look really bad in it, so I won't put it up. But I will put up the youtube for their video, I realized I never had. Cracks me up every time.



And of course, I have to post some lyrics. Thats what having your Ipod playing on shuffle with 964 songs will do to you when you're walking like 2 hours a day and need something to listen to. Lots and lots of cool songs. w00t.


"Simply" - Pillar
I've made it so hard on myself, turning my back on how You felt
Seeing a lie that led me on, leaving a love that did no wrong
That's what it took for me to say

That You simply love
Despite all the stupid things I've done
It's hard to remember
That You simply love
Even though I know not what I've done
It's hard to remember
That You simply love

I've tried to do all this on my own
Not thinking once of what You've shown
All that I've done has blinded me
To everything that You have for me
I want You to know that I finally see

I don't know why I can't understand
I don't know why I can't comprehend

Asassins

YAY. I get to kill people :-D Lol. Well, not really, but it's still fun.

Our apartment complex is having a game called Assassins, where 40 people signed up to play. We all had our pictures taken and our picture was given to someone else. Whoever got your pic was supposed to 'kill' you (by hitting with a clean sock rolled into a ball). And then you get their target. So I have my first victim. Mwahahaha.

And is it wrong that I'm using the fact that at my job I can look up peoples schedules to help me figure out how to get them? You can't kill them when they're in class, but as soon as they walk out they're fair target. Eh. Well it hasn't helped me yet. But I've been too busy to do any serious plotting.

So I'm off now... (insert james bond music)

Something like laughter

Haha, yeah I know that it seems like the only thing I use this thing for is to post lyrics of different songs. Deal with it.

In my defense, with me living in TR this year, I've been spending between 1 and 3 hours a day just walking to class and places. So I've been listening to my Ipod a lot. Lol.

Anyways its a good thing that I've been walking so much cuz I'm sure I would have gained 50 pounds by now if I wasnt with the way I've been eating. Blahh.

Anyways, if you are into Ska at all, you should listen to this group, they are really awesome. And they have a lot of funny songs too...one I particuarly enjoy is one called "Wizard Needs Food...Badly" :-)

"Something Like Laughter" - Five Iron Frenzy
People say they know a girl
Who's lost her way, she's always angry
No one bothers to ask her
What she hears or what she hopes for
The air is cold, she lives alone
And tires of being her only provider
She can't fathom grace tonight
No not tonight, it's not an option

Searching for more than mere tastes of living water
Tired eyes tend to wander, seek the light
Create in her a sense of awe that sees Your beauty
Let Your splendor flash with blinding light

Cities slowly suffocate
What once was bright is now moth-eaten
As young girls filter thoughts that once were
Fresh now worn and beaten
Clutching pity like a prize
To her side her fingers grow weary
He cares so much for sparrows
Won't He toss something out my way?

Searching for more than mere lies disguised as dogma
Tired eyes tend to wander, seek the light
Create in her a sense of awe that sees Your beauty
Let Your splendor flash with blinding light
Standing tall, all the aspen trees drink water
As the rain falls down like laughter from the sky

Worlds Apart

This is like my all-time FAVORITE song. It's amazing. Period.

"Worlds Apart" - Jars of Clay

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

Strength in weakness

The sermon this morning was how God uses weaknesses to show His strength. It just really really struck me this morning, because I can see that SO much in my life! The example given was a man who as a young child, could not speak his 'r''s and was uncomfortable saying something as simple as his name (Mark). But God used this weakness and turned it to amazing strength, as he is a pastor and public speaks on a regular basis. How awesome is that?

And yeah. I mean, here I am, the girl who never spoke up in class, or anywhere. Or if I did, I had to say what I wanted to say two or three times because nobody could hear me. My family would always comment on how I wouldn't even talk at family functions. I was the reader, the one who never was social or even remotely outgoing. Here was a girl who since the age of 15, had stopped using her voice, and started using her body as a way to express all the hurt she was feeling. Here's a girl who didn't even KNOW what she was feeling most of the time!! And God has turned my greatest weakness into one of my most valued strengths. I mean, it's not like I am always outgoing (far from it, I am always forcing myself into social situations), or always speak my mind or even have the right things to say. But I've been saying them. God has shown me how to use my voice and not be ashamed of it (some of the time, lol).

Wow. Just wow. I'm just astounded now that I really think of it.

2 Corinthians 4:7 - But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.

Roadtrip

Soooo, why on earth would I decide on a whim to go to Philadelphia with a couple of my roommates and some other people at 9:30 PM on a Wednesday night, when I know I have work at 8 am plus a really busy day the next day?

To go get cheesesteaks and run up the stairs of the Art Museum (the ones from Rocky) of course!!! Duhhh. And to go run around in a huge fountain at midnight and avoid getting arrested.

Wellllll not the last one, but that was just cuz I was freezing! If it were warmer, I seriously think I would have...it's kind of funny to me how I'll do things like walking the streets of Philly late at night (or even I guess walking back from my night class alone), or other crazy stuff without giving it much of a second thought, but I can't do something that so many people do with hardly a second thought without me freaking out and being self-destructive.

Maybe I'm just crazy, lol. Whatever. I don't usually do spontaneous things and I really enjoyed myself. A couple of my friends were talking about how they came to college for the main purpose of getting to know people better and having a good time. Um, yeah. That never really crossed my mind. I always thought I was at college to go to class. Which might explain why I can be so boring, haha.

Part of me wishes that I had that mentality, but then part of me kinda likes my dorky-ness; i.e. getting all excited over learning new things and not feeling satisfied with myself unless I'm taking a full load and getting good grades. I suppose it's all about priorities. Like one of Di's is to get arrested for doing something stupid. LOL.

So anyways, I swear, the coolest things happen when I'm with Di. She happened to mention to the guy in front of her in line that she had never been to Philly and she had never had a cheesesteak and he bought her one! And the guy who was taking orders actually used to live in Towson.

Now I'm going to try and not fall asleep at work.


PS...totally unrelated, but check this out, it's a column by Dave Barry I read today. And that article basically correlates with my knowledge of Geography.

Update on life

Ok, yeah. God is AMAZING. I was able to share the gospel with 3 people this past week! It was really encouraging, because it is something that I have a ton of trouble with, because I am worried I'll say something stupid or whatever. I just need to remember when I'm doing that, its not ME talking, its GOD.

Anyways, I met this guy, B, when I was hanging out with friends on Friday night, and this guy asked if I wanted to hang out on Sunday. I wasn't doing anything, and I knew he wasn't a stalker or anything, lol, so I was like, ok, sure. He brought a friend, J. We went to Pizza Hut and then back to my apartment. Nadeau was there and everyone started talking. Then Di came too. And the topic just turned to religion.

Then Tuesday B called and wanted to know if I wanted to hang out again and I thought 'sure why not'? I had a night class, and I kind of had wanted a chance to unwind a little bit before doing more work. So B came and brought his friend G. Anyways, we were all talking and everyone except me was Jewish. And somehow, the conversation turned to religion again.

But I did recognize that Tuesday when I was giving my testimony, the perfect words just came. There were awkward parts where I didn't know exactly what to say, but I actually think thats maybe what God wanted because I think it may have shown them that I'm not perfect and I don't know all the answers, or something. I don't know. The most awesome thing though, is the first time, I was really nervous, but Nadeau and Di were there to help me. And the second time, I was still nervous, but G I was talking to was really receptive, he knew a lot and seemed to really want a relationship with God He has a better heart than some people I know that say they are Christian. And J seems like he wants to come to church with me some day!

So that was really encouraging. I am just praying that B will become interested too. He seems really set in being Jewish, even though he is not practicing. I just want them to know that you can have a relationship with God, and it's not about rules, its about freedom =)

On a side note...my hands are purple and green. One of the things APO (Alpha Phi Omega, nat'l service fraternity) was doing last night was tye-dying pillowcases for breast cancer patients. Of course, I got the dye all over my hands. Oops? Anyways, the cloth is still drying, but if anyone is interested in helping me stitch them up, let me know!

Beauty from Pain

"Beauty from Pain" - Superchic(k)
The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I've died

And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God let me walk through this place

And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

Here and I am at the end of me (at the end of me)
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise there will be a dawn

Most Likely to Have a Nervous Breakdown Before the End of the Semester

So...yeah. Guess who has just been voted "Most Likely to Have a Nervous Breakdown Before the End of the Semester"? Well, ok, it wasn't me, but still, I think you get the point.

I mean, I am doing better health-wise than I have done in...goodness...years, prolly since early high school. That I am thrilled about, but I'm just worried that it is too good to last. Every time thing seem to be going really well, I get nervous, because I know it all comes crashing back down on my head.

Anyways, I'm just not sure how I am going to manage with school and actually have a life. But then again, who want's something as silly as a social life when you can be buried under a ton of textbooks?

I don't know. Maybe I'm pushing it...again. I alway seem to overextend myself. I just don't want to be overloaded. But I am taking 5 classes, 2 with lab (Calculus, Orgo II). So with just those two classes, I have 4 hours of Calculus with lecture and lab, and with Orgo, I have 3 hours of lecture and 4 hours of lab, making my total 7 hours just in that class! So for those two classes, I am using up 11 hours. Well, maybe not. A lot of times Organic lab doesn't take the whole time. Plus 3 more classes, Computers and Creativity (3 hrs/wk), Abnormal Psych (3 hours/wk) and Adolescent Psych (3 hrs/wk).

Sound tough enough? I haven't even started.

I know I am having weekly homework and weekly lab reports for Calculus (not to mention I seriously CANNOT remember a single thing from when I took it last...too many cobwebs). And it's a night class. I hate night classes. The good thing is I am going to have at least of a little head's up, because I already know Mathematica, and I saved all the labs from freshman year. FYI, I didn't fail Calc, I got a C in it, and I am re-taking it only because I found out I need to also take Calc II, and like I said, right now I don't remember the difference between and integer and an integral (lol, j/k). Plus pharmacy school is really competitive, so I wouldn't mind boosting my GPA a little bit.

Then for Organic Chem II, well, I wasn't doing really well when I took Organic Chem I. The only reason I really got a good grade was because Dr. W was an easy grader. And I rock at nomenclature. Lol. And I dropped Dr. R's class last semester because of my 'mandatory break.' So I have a lot to learn. And we also have pre-labs and lab reports and lab discussion questions every week.

Umm, well I guess with the rest of the classes, it should be easier, nothing I am seriously worried about, but I know I have a lot of reading from Abnormal Psych. On a lighter note, I think it is the BEST class ever. Haha. I am actually excited about the 5 page paper we have to write. I swear, if I thought that I would make a good therapist, I would so switch my major. (Btw for those of you who actually care, I added a minor to my Pre-Pharmacy major last year, so thats why I am taking these classes.)

So sounds like I am going to be busy, huh? Still not done. Since I am in an apartment this year, it now takes me a good 15-20 minutes to walk to the science building. As opposed to 5 from the dorms, like 10 to the math. I mean, it's not that long of a walk, but it kind of adds up, walking back and forth to classes. And my classes aren't blocked except one day, so I pretty much want to go back to my apt. after class. THEN, I have 2 appointments a week to go to. I dont have a car. So it takes me 30 minutes to walk there. So thats 2 hours a week I spend just walking. And another 2 hours for the appointments themselves.

And also, I am involved with APO and Cru, so that takes up time (but I actually enjoy this time, but the only thing is it is less time for me to do work)

Got all that? Ok, now add 10 hours of work per week. Ok, ok, so I shouldn't complain, I couldn't have a better job. I am a help desk specialist, so I just answer student's computer problems. Some of the time, I don't have a darn thing to do. So I can study, read, whatever. I just need to discipline myself to do work when I'm not busy there, instead of Facebook or whatever.

Ok, I'm done whining. I'm sure I'm being a crybaby, and most of you have it worse than me. Lol.

Caroline

"Caroline" - Seventh Day Slumber

Where do I begin?
There's so much I want to say to make it easier
Tomorrow's on its way
Do you beileve I want to take your painful memories?

I know you want to run away
I know that you can't see tomorrow

Caroline
Let me wipe away your tears, and give you life
Make you feel beautiful again
Caroline
Don't throw it all away
I'm here tonight, to take away your pain

Yesterday is gone and
Everything that made you cry has fallen to the ground
I'm here to bring you home
I will always take you back
You haven't let me down

I know you want to run away
I know that you can't see tomorrow

Caroline
Let me wipe away your tears, and give you life
Make you feel beautiful again
Caroline
Don't throw it all away
I'm here tonight, to take away your pain

And when you're feeling all alone and you can't go on
Remember I am here
And when you think you've gone too far
I'll meet you where you are
My arms are open wide

Caroline
Let me wipe away your tears, and give you life
Make you feel beautiful again
Caroline
Don't throw it all away
I'm here tonight, to take away your pain

Caroline
Let me wipe away your tears, and give you life
Make you feel beautiful again
Caroline
Don't throw it all away
I'm here tonight, to take away your pain

Caroline

This is a call

TFK - "This is a Call"

She fooled all of her friends into thinking she's so strong
But she still sleeps with the light on
And she acts like it's all right on, as she smiles again
And her mother lies there sick with cancer
And her friends don't understand her
She's a question without answers
Who feels like falling apart.
She knows, she's so much more than worthless
She needs to find a purpose,
She wonders what she did to deserve this

CHORUS
She's calling out to you
This is a call, this is a call out
Cause everytime I fall down, I reach out to you
And I'm losing all control now
And my hazard signs are all out
I'm asking you to show me what this life is all about

And he tells everyone a story,
Cause he thinks his life is boring
And he fights so ou won't ignore him,
Cause that's his biggest fear
And he cries, but you'll rarely see him do it
And he loves but he's scared to use it
So he hides behind the music
Cause he likes it that way
And he knows, he's so much more than worthless
He needs to find the surface
Cause he's starting to get nervous

CHORUS

Have you ever felt this way before
Cause I don't wanna hide here anymore
Take me to a place where nothing's wrong
And thanks for coming, shut the door
And they say some one out there sees us,
Well if you're real, then save me Jesus
Cause I've been this way for far too long
I wasn't meant to feel alone

CHORUS

Show me what this life is all about
Show me what this life is all about

Cupcakes

Ok, so how cool is Di? She has an amazing heart; she decided that we should make cupcakes for everyone on our floor. It was fun. I had a bite of the batter and it was sooo yummy haha.

So today is the first day of classes. And my first class is Organic II. Funnnnn. And then Adolescent Psych for 3 hours. Woohoo...I can't retain my excitement. Ha.

But this evening our apt is having a potluck (organized by Di of course), it should be great fun =)

The only problem is my pots aren't lucky...Yeah, yeah. I know. Not even remotely funny.

Edit:

Well the potluck was really fun. There were TON of people there, it was cool. The only thing is I need to learn how to be more social at social gatherings, lol. I just always feel so awkward around large groups of people. I hung around from like 7 to 10 and now I'm just in my room reading. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so introverted. Well it's not like anyone missed me when I left, haha.

The Nuthouse

Woohoo. Well I finally moved into my apartment yesterday, officially known as The Nuthouse. I'm living with 7 other awesome girls, and it is a lot better than the dorms. Those were basically like living in a box. My room is a lot bigger than last year, and we have a common room and a kitchen.

It's definitely different from living at home. No cartoons on at all hours of the day, and when I got up at 9 am, I was the first one up, lol. People in my house are usually up around 6:30 or 7.

I'm just glad that I am back at college =) Went to Grace Fellowship this morning, really awesome service.

And then I went to Target with Nadeau, and she definitely took some other person's cart and didnt notice till we got to the checkout. Then Cru had an ice cream social, 'twas fun. Felt like I was gonna fall asleep for some reason...but it was fun. I guess unpacking kinda takes it out of me.

I'm just sad because this semester I have a Thursday night Calculus class...so I cant go to meetings :-( Who needs Calc?

Mamma Mia!

Ok, so I have come to the conclusion that my mom's insurance officially hates me and I don't think there is any way any company will ever give me health insurance, lol. Oh well, at least she's getting her money's worth for it.

Just got my bill...and my insurance paid for $19,791.20. Woahhhhhhh. Thats a lotta money. I don't even want to think about how much they've paid for me overall these past couple years. All I know is it would buy a lot of coffee from Starbucks, lol.

Psalms

Well I was just going through the book of psalms again...and all I can say is wow. It has always been my favorite, and it's the one I seem to always gravitate towards when I need some comfort. And what I find really cool is a lot of the psalms they have in there reflect just how I am feeling [at least now]. I guess it's know that ya know, it's not just me...

Psalm 13

1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.


Psalm 42
1 As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.

2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

3 My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

4 These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.

5 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and 6 my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

7 Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

8 By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.

9 I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"

10 My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

11 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
Psalm 77
This is by far my favorite passage in the bible =)
Psalm 25
1 To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul;

2 in you I trust, O my God.
Do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.

3 No one whose hope is in you
will ever be put to shame,
but they will be put to shame
who are treacherous without excuse.

4 Show me your ways, O LORD,
teach me your paths;

5 guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.

6 Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.

7 Remember not the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you are good, O LORD.

8 Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.

9 He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them his way.

10 All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful
for those who keep the demands of his covenant.

11 For the sake of your name, O LORD,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great.

12 Who, then, is the man that fears the LORD ?
He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.

13 He will spend his days in prosperity,
and his descendants will inherit the land.

14 The LORD confides in those who fear him;
he makes his covenant known to them.

15 My eyes are ever on the LORD,
for only he will release my feet from the snare.

16 Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.

17 The troubles of my heart have multiplied;
free me from my anguish.

18 Look upon my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.

19 See how my enemies have increased
and how fiercely they hate me!

20 Guard my life and rescue me;
let me not be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.

21 May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope is in you.

22 Redeem Israel, O God,
from all their troubles!

Anthology et cetera

So well while I was cleaning my room, I found something that I hadn't seen in a good long while: my anthology from AP English 12. I was afraid to look at it because I never have been satisfied with my own writing and anything I try to do that is creative, I am always worried will turn out a horrible disaster. In fact, if I remember correctly, I think the personal anthology we were required to complete was the main reason I was going to just do CM. But, I ended up with schedule conflicts, and the only English that would fit was AP. But in the end I am actually very glad I took the class, my teacher, Mr. O, was seriously an AMAZING teacher, and I think he helped me become a better writer.

Anyways, I was looking at some of the works I found, and this was one that I found particuarly humorous. And I think it has a pretty good moral too.


"Some of Us Had Been Threatening Our Friend Colby" - Donald Barthelme

Some of us had been threatening our friend Colby for a long time, because of the way he had been behaving. And now he'd gone too far, so we decided to hang him. Colby argued that just because he had gone too far (he did not deny that he had gone too far) did not mean that he should be subjected to hanging. Going too far, he said, was something everybody did sometimes. We didn't pay much attention to this argument. We asked him what sort of music he would like played at the hanging. He said he'd think about it but it would take him a while to decide. I pointed out that we'd have to know soon, because Howard, who is a conductor, would have to hire and rehearse the musicians and he couldn't begin until he knew what the music was going to be. Colby said he'd always been fond of Ives's Fourth Symphony. Howard said that this was a "delaying tactic" and that everybody knew that the Ives was almost impossible to perform and would involve weeks of rehearsal, and that the size of the orchestra and chorus would put us way over the music budget. "Be reasonable," he said to Colby. Colby said he'd try to think of something a little less exacting.

Hugh was worried about the wording of the invitations. What if one of them fell into the hands of the authorities? Hanging Colby was doubtless against the law, and if the authorities learned in advance what the plan was they would very likely come in and try to mess everything up. I said that although hanging Colby was almost certainly against the law, we had a perfect moral right to do so because he was our friend, belonged to us in various important senses, and he had after all gone too far. We agreed that the invitations would be worded in such a way that the person invited could not know for sure what he was being invited to. We decided to refer to the event as "An Event Involving Mr. Colby Williams." A handsome script was selected from a catalogue and we picked a cream-colored paper. Magnus said he'd see to having the invitations printed, and wondered whether we should serve drinks. Colby said he thought drinks would be nice but was worried about the expense. We told him kindly that the expense didn't matter, that we were after all his dear friends and if a group of his dear friends couldn't get together and do the thing with a little bit of eclat, why, what was the world coming to? Colbv asked if he would be able to have drinks, too, before the event. We said,"Certainly."

The next item of business was the gibbet. None of us knew too much about gibbet design, but Tomas, who is an architect, said he'd look it up in old books and draw the plans. The important thing, as far as he recollected, was that the trapdoor function perfectly. He said that just roughly, counting labor and materials, it shouldn't run us more than four hundred dollars. "Good God !" Howard said. He said what was Tomas figuring on, rosewood? No, just a good grade of pine, Tomas said. Victor asked if unpainted pine wouldn't look kind of "raw," and Tomas replied that he thought it could be stained a dark walnut without too much trouble.

I said that although I thought the whole thing ought to be done really well and all, I also thought four hundred dollars for a gibbet, on top of the expense for the drinks, invitations, musicians, and everything, was a bit steep, and why didn't we just use a tree -- a nice-looking oak, or something? I pointed out that since it was going to be a June hanging the trees would be in glorious leaf and that not only would a tree add a kind of "natural" feeling but it was also strictly traditional, especially in the West. Tomas, who had been sketching gibbets on the backs of envelopes, reminded us that an outdoor hanging always had to contend with the threat of rain. Victor said he liked the idea of doing it outdoors, possibly on the bank of a river but noted that we would have to hold it some distance from the city, which presented the problem of getting the guests, musicians, etc., to the site and then back to town.

At this point everybody looked at Harry, who runs a car-and-truck-rental business. Harry said he thought he could round up enough limousines to take care of that end but that the drivers would have to be paid. The drivers, he pointed out, wouldn't be friends of Colby's and couldn't be expected to donate their services, any more than the bartender or the musicians. He said that he had about ten limousines, which he used mostly for funerals, and that he could probably obtain another dozen by calling around to friends of his in the trade. He said also that if we did it outside, in the open air, we'd better figure on a tent or awning of some kind to cover at least the principals and the orchestra, because if the hanging was being rained on he thought it would look kind of dismal. As between gibbet and tree, he said, he had no particular preferences and he really thought that the choice ought to be left up to Colby, since it was his hanging. Colby said that everybody went too far, sometimes, and weren't we being a little Draconian? Howard said rather sharply that all that had already been discussed, and which did he want, gibbet or tree? Colby asked if he could have a firing squad. No, Howard said, he could not. Howard said a firing squad would just be an ego trip for Colby, the blindfold and last-cigarette bit, and that Colby was in enough hot water already without trying to "upstage" everyone with unnecessary theatrics. Colby said he was sorry, he hadn't meant it that way, he'd take the tree. Tomas crumpled up the gibbet sketches he'd been making, in disgust.

Then the question of the hangman came up. Pete said did we really need a hangman? Because if we used a tree, the noose could be adjusted to the appropriate level and Colby could just jump off something -- a chair or stool or something. Besides, Pete said, he very much doubted if there were any free-lance hangmen wandering around the country, now that capital punishment has been done away with absolutely, temporarily, and that we'd probably have to fly one in from England or Spain or one of the South American countries, and even if we did that how could we know in advance that the man was a professional, a real hangman, and not just some money-hungry amateur who might bungle the job and shame us all, in front of every body? We all agreed then that Colby should just jump off something and that a chair was not what he should jump off of, because that would look, we felt, extremely tacky -- some old kitchen chair sitting out there under our beautiful tree. Tomas, who is quite modern in outlook and not afraid of innovation, proposed that Colby be standing on a large round rubber ball ten feet in diameter. This, he said, would afford a sufficient "drop" and would also roll out of the way if Colby suddenly changed his mind after jumping off. He reminded us that by not using a regular hangman we were placing an awful lot of the responsibility for the success of the affair on Colby himself, and that although he was sure Colby would perform creditably and not disgrace his friends at the last minute, still, men have been known to get a little irresolute at times like that, and the ten-foot-round rubber ball, which could probably be fabricated rather cheaply, would insure a "bang-up" pro duction right down to the wire.

At the mention of "wire," Hank, who had been silent all this time, suddenly spoke up and said he wondered if it wouldn't be better if we used wire instead of rope -- more efficient and in the end kinder to Colby, he suggested. Colby began looking a little green, and I didn't blame him, because there is something extremely distasteful in think ing about being hanged with wire instead of rope -- it gives you sort of a revulsion, when you think about it. I thought it was really quite unpleasant of Hank to be sitting there talking about wire, just when we had solved the problem of what Colby was going to jump off of so neatly, with Tomas's idea about the rubber ball, so I hastily said that wire was out of the question, because it would injure the tree -- cut into the branch it was tied to when Colby's full weight hit it -- and that in these days of increased respect for the environment, we didn't want that, did we? Colby gave me a grateful look, and the meeting broke up. Everything went off very smoothly on the day of the event (the music Colby finally picked was standard stuff, Elgar, and it was played very well by Howard and his boys). It didn't rain, the event was well attended, and we didn't run out of Scotch, or anything. The ten-foot rubber ball had been painted a deep green and blended in well with the bucolic setting. The two things I remember best about the whole episode are the grateful look Colby gave me when I said what I said about the wire, and the fact that nobody has ever gone too far again.

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.