I have been a busy bee!!!
I have been in an intensive outpatient program for my ED for at LEAST 12 or 13 weeks. And then before that I was inpatient and day patient for a length of time that will not be announced lol. I finally got discharged from the program. And I am STILL doing therapy 2x a week.
But hey, ya know what? It is keeping my butt in place. I have been doing so much better with my eating...I went to cheeburger cheeburger a couple weeks ago and I got ... well i got chicken, not a burger, but i got frings (fries and onion rings lol) and a MINT CHOCOLATE OREO milkshake. Can you say amazingggggggggggggggg??? I hadn't had a milkshake in YEARS.
And today is history in the making. I bought a half-gallon of ice cream. Not fat free frozen yogurt. And it isnt some boring flavor, it is moose tracks, my favorite [chocolate syrup and peanut butter cups]! Ok, ok, I will admit so it is sweetened with Splenda and no sugar added, BUT it is almost the same number of calories as regular stuff!
I guess I am just trying to write all this stuff down before I forget or can make an excuse about how I could have done better or whatever. And also I am kind of just flabbergasted. I look back and think of all the food rituals and see what I have been able to do, and I did not gain a bajillion pounds! Imagine that one.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Saturday, May 26, 2007
A Woman's Heart
So I did something out of my comfort zone. My pastor was talking about how we need someone to keep us accountable spiritually. And I was thinking "Hey! Well I do have my therapist to keep me accountable for my actions, but I really don’t have anyone keeping my butt in line in this area." I have learned that this is something that I really, really have to watch out for. It is one of my weakest areas; when my relationship with God is dwindling, my eating disorder is out of control. The time when I was sickest was when I was convinced that I was alone and God abandoned me and had no use for me whatsoever.
So what I did was I went and talked to someone in my church and I am going to be meeting with her weekly. I felt so embarrassed at first, she asked why I wanted to meet with her and I was like 'ummmmm I don’t know, I just...ummmm, it's like sorta...' I felt really dumb. But I felt so much better when she said that she thought it took a lot of courage for me to go to someone I didn’t even know and ask for help. I was thinking by doing that I was being weak, but looking back, its one of the strongest things I can do; admit that I need help.
It is just so exciting though!! We are going through a study called "A Woman's Heart: God's Dwelling Place;" basically on the tabernacle and God's covenant with us. It is really teaching me a lot. The study comes with a movie set. And it is horribly outdated. But what the author Beth Moore has to say are some of the most profound things I have heard. It leaves me with my head spinning.
So yeah. God is pretty awesome. Somehow I can relate to this woman on SO many levels and I feel like she totally understands me too.
I told her (from now on I will just refer to her as E) about my ED and SI issues and she is actually pushing me in a way I haven't been before. I have a lot of coping skills and things I have learned through treatment, but what I never noticed was those were things I was doing to keep it all under control, by myself. So it should be no surprise that I can't and that I am still struggling. Yeah, I say "God, take this away from me, help me give up control;" but everything I do to combat my eating disorder relies on my OWN strength. Which is all but naught next to God.
It is also really good to have a godly perspective on all of this. One of the reasons I have so much trouble sharing and talking about my ED to others is because Satan doesn’t want me to! He wants to keep me stuck keeping my mouth shut and my stomach empty. To keep my eyes on the scale and off the Word of God. He tells me every day "No, don't talk about it. You will just sound crazy or they will think you are making it up for attention. Or they will think you are bragging in a sick sort of way." I have only spoken about it to a crowd once. And boy I felt so awful and scared before, I was SURE everyone would reveal me for the fraud I thought I was. But it was one of the most liberating things ever. I used my voice, not my body, which is a huge part of my ED, I can't say "I am hurting, there is something wrong"; I show it.
I didn't realize until yesterday that this was TOTALLY a ploy of Satan. E told me that she thought I was going to be a Joseph...Satan meant to use my ED for harm, but God can use this for His amazing glory!!!! It really isn’t a surprise that there are so many other people out there who struggle with body image issues, it is so common in society today. And if I can help just ONE person; then it is worth it. I believe this has made me stronger, I can do so many things I could have not ever have done without having this tribulation. Does it make it any easier? Nopers. I still hate my body and want to lose x pounds and I still have so many distorted thoughts. But knowing somehow, maybe, there is a reason for this, it makes it a little easier to bear this.
I want my life to become a testimony to His glory. I am such an example of how trying to control things on my own so does not work. Of thinking I knew what the best thing for me was (ha! thats a good one...)
So what I did was I went and talked to someone in my church and I am going to be meeting with her weekly. I felt so embarrassed at first, she asked why I wanted to meet with her and I was like 'ummmmm I don’t know, I just...ummmm, it's like sorta...' I felt really dumb. But I felt so much better when she said that she thought it took a lot of courage for me to go to someone I didn’t even know and ask for help. I was thinking by doing that I was being weak, but looking back, its one of the strongest things I can do; admit that I need help.
It is just so exciting though!! We are going through a study called "A Woman's Heart: God's Dwelling Place;" basically on the tabernacle and God's covenant with us. It is really teaching me a lot. The study comes with a movie set. And it is horribly outdated. But what the author Beth Moore has to say are some of the most profound things I have heard. It leaves me with my head spinning.
So yeah. God is pretty awesome. Somehow I can relate to this woman on SO many levels and I feel like she totally understands me too.
I told her (from now on I will just refer to her as E) about my ED and SI issues and she is actually pushing me in a way I haven't been before. I have a lot of coping skills and things I have learned through treatment, but what I never noticed was those were things I was doing to keep it all under control, by myself. So it should be no surprise that I can't and that I am still struggling. Yeah, I say "God, take this away from me, help me give up control;" but everything I do to combat my eating disorder relies on my OWN strength. Which is all but naught next to God.
It is also really good to have a godly perspective on all of this. One of the reasons I have so much trouble sharing and talking about my ED to others is because Satan doesn’t want me to! He wants to keep me stuck keeping my mouth shut and my stomach empty. To keep my eyes on the scale and off the Word of God. He tells me every day "No, don't talk about it. You will just sound crazy or they will think you are making it up for attention. Or they will think you are bragging in a sick sort of way." I have only spoken about it to a crowd once. And boy I felt so awful and scared before, I was SURE everyone would reveal me for the fraud I thought I was. But it was one of the most liberating things ever. I used my voice, not my body, which is a huge part of my ED, I can't say "I am hurting, there is something wrong"; I show it.
I didn't realize until yesterday that this was TOTALLY a ploy of Satan. E told me that she thought I was going to be a Joseph...Satan meant to use my ED for harm, but God can use this for His amazing glory!!!! It really isn’t a surprise that there are so many other people out there who struggle with body image issues, it is so common in society today. And if I can help just ONE person; then it is worth it. I believe this has made me stronger, I can do so many things I could have not ever have done without having this tribulation. Does it make it any easier? Nopers. I still hate my body and want to lose x pounds and I still have so many distorted thoughts. But knowing somehow, maybe, there is a reason for this, it makes it a little easier to bear this.
I want my life to become a testimony to His glory. I am such an example of how trying to control things on my own so does not work. Of thinking I knew what the best thing for me was (ha! thats a good one...)
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Mario Bros.
So someone made an analogy refering to Mario Bros in reference to life, and it was a really really good one!
I know in life, there are a lot of times were I just want to stay put. I don't want to go and take risks, I dont want to trust that whatever is out there is anything worth really it. I would rather stay safe. Or give up.
But I mean in Mario Bros, you aren't going to just keep Mario in one spot when he is at the edge of a cliff and let him get eaten by the Gumbas or run out of time, would you? No!!! You would try and get him to save the princess! You would try and jump to the other side by the moving thingies. And if you fell and died, you would try again and be more determined. And you would do better because you know more of the tricks. And then when you get to the other side you get to the ? boxes, which have good things in them. And the last level is the hardest one. So if you die there, and have to go back, then the other ones are easier because you know the tricks. And eventually you win!
So yeah. I really liked this. Lol. Now I am going to try and find an old school nintendo and play Mario and Duck Hunt :-) Yay old school video games haha.
I know in life, there are a lot of times were I just want to stay put. I don't want to go and take risks, I dont want to trust that whatever is out there is anything worth really it. I would rather stay safe. Or give up.
But I mean in Mario Bros, you aren't going to just keep Mario in one spot when he is at the edge of a cliff and let him get eaten by the Gumbas or run out of time, would you? No!!! You would try and get him to save the princess! You would try and jump to the other side by the moving thingies. And if you fell and died, you would try again and be more determined. And you would do better because you know more of the tricks. And then when you get to the other side you get to the ? boxes, which have good things in them. And the last level is the hardest one. So if you die there, and have to go back, then the other ones are easier because you know the tricks. And eventually you win!
So yeah. I really liked this. Lol. Now I am going to try and find an old school nintendo and play Mario and Duck Hunt :-) Yay old school video games haha.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Sooooooooooo
Yeah. I suck at updating this thinger. I'll blame it on...well I'm not sure, but I'll figure something out. Lol.
The semester is drawing to a close and all I can say is thank goodness. I was about ready to quit school and join the circus or something haha.
All in all though, it hasn't been a bad semester. My classes are going well.
I learned how to swing dance. And I LOVE it. L-O-V-E it!!! And I am actually pretty good I think; or at least I can follow the guy's lead. I have gone a bunch of times with my lovely friend N.
Talked with my T about all of this; IOP is really annoying and we get in trouble for exercising, as we could overdo it as 'symptom substitution'; you know like exercising a ton to burn calories and lose weight. And they say we are supposed to wait 6 months because we cant be sure what we did to our bodies (Thanks to my ED, I have the bones of a 60 year old. woooohoooo *insert sarcasm here*). But she agreed with me, she thinks its a good thing, its an activity where I can actually be ok with my body, and I am just having fun. It's not about burning calories (but I would be soooo lying if I didnt say that I think of it as an "added benefit"). I really wanted to talk to her about it though because I feel bad; I never tell IOP that I am doing this stuff. I know they would get mad and threaten to send me to a higher level of care or something. (I can just hear it now...- "So have you stopped going swing dancing yet? No? Well you do know that this is against IOP policy; if you go again you get a strike).
Also N and I also have been broadening our tastes with ethnic nights. So in the past couple months I have had Thai, Indian, Italian and Greek food. Very very yummy.
Oh and now I have a car. And I'm commuting at least till the end of the semester to Towson. The commute sucks, but all in all, its good. Nice not to have to walk or bum rides everywhere. And I think I might get more work done because I cant go back and sleep between my classes lol. And it is actually a really good time for me to just pray; it's just me, the road and God for an hour every morning.
The semester is drawing to a close and all I can say is thank goodness. I was about ready to quit school and join the circus or something haha.
All in all though, it hasn't been a bad semester. My classes are going well.
I learned how to swing dance. And I LOVE it. L-O-V-E it!!! And I am actually pretty good I think; or at least I can follow the guy's lead. I have gone a bunch of times with my lovely friend N.
Talked with my T about all of this; IOP is really annoying and we get in trouble for exercising, as we could overdo it as 'symptom substitution'; you know like exercising a ton to burn calories and lose weight. And they say we are supposed to wait 6 months because we cant be sure what we did to our bodies (Thanks to my ED, I have the bones of a 60 year old. woooohoooo *insert sarcasm here*). But she agreed with me, she thinks its a good thing, its an activity where I can actually be ok with my body, and I am just having fun. It's not about burning calories (but I would be soooo lying if I didnt say that I think of it as an "added benefit"). I really wanted to talk to her about it though because I feel bad; I never tell IOP that I am doing this stuff. I know they would get mad and threaten to send me to a higher level of care or something. (I can just hear it now...- "So have you stopped going swing dancing yet? No? Well you do know that this is against IOP policy; if you go again you get a strike).
Also N and I also have been broadening our tastes with ethnic nights. So in the past couple months I have had Thai, Indian, Italian and Greek food. Very very yummy.
Oh and now I have a car. And I'm commuting at least till the end of the semester to Towson. The commute sucks, but all in all, its good. Nice not to have to walk or bum rides everywhere. And I think I might get more work done because I cant go back and sleep between my classes lol. And it is actually a really good time for me to just pray; it's just me, the road and God for an hour every morning.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
