Precious

Even in the midst of tragedy, there are bits and pieces of joy that can be found trapped in the rubble. Today was my aunt's funeral. Everything has still been so surreal for me. But this event is teaching me to celebrate life at every occasion.

At the reception, my twin cousins had flowers, and William was trying to put his in his Sprite. We told him he shouldn't do that, it needed water and light. And William's response was, "I give it light so it can be strong and healthy, like....like a pony!" And his brother, Preston, was doing the 'butt dance.' It was cute. Overall, a very tiring, and sobering day.

And then, I got back to my apartment and took a nice, long, well needed nap lol.

Anniversary

Neil and I have been going out for a year. I am truly blessed. It doesn't feel like a year at all, it seems so much shorter. We went to the Pisces restaurant in the harbor for dinner. It was a great experience, wonderful atmosphere.

I just don't even know what to post, except that I am thankful to God and I feel so lucky.

I love you, Neil ♥

I love you, Aunt Mary

My aunt Mary passed away yesterday. I am still in shock. I just can't believe that I'm not going to see her here on Earth ever again. I miss her already. I didn't get to say goodbye. ='( She isn't 'technically' my aunt, she is my uncle's aunt, but she was more family to me than a lot of other people I am related to by blood.

So, I just need prayer for my family.

Now and Then (*MAY TRIGGER - Old Pics*)

Sigh. 'Nother bad body image day. I really do need to get rid of old photos so I can quit ruminating on them. I guess it's me trying to hold on to the last bit of what I will no longer have (albeit, I still wasn't happy). My therapist told me that "Comparing leads to despairing." Boy is she right.

I'm just kind of tired of looking 'healthy' and 'normal'. Not to mention the wonderful, "You look so much healthier since you put on all that weight," comment I got from my aunt a couple weeks ago. IOP has been a big source of my focusing in on my weight, but I got discharged on Wednesday (YAY!!!).



I guess I do look 'better'. I still like the old pictures though. At least I am happier now. And I have progressed a lot in treatment. I have so much more to live for...I have a FUTURE. And losing x pounds is just going to make me lose all the wonderful things I have found with recovery. Amazing friendships and relationships, a deeper faith. Not to mention I have a personality now! Lol. I'm not some person just going through the motions. And although the ED sucks, it has made me a stronger person and actually has helped my relationship with my mom (yeah, I know, weird)...family therapy has helped us immensely.

P.S. Please let me know if this post really bothers you...if so, I will delete it ASAP.

P.S.S. - Kay commented with some awesome bible verses, so I wanted to include them, they really are powerful

1 Peter 4:1-2 "Since Jesus went through everything you're going through (he had to start eating again after a 40 day fast), learn to think like him. Think of your sufferings (twinges of painful longings for the 'old' ways) as a weaning from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way. Then you'll be able to live our your days free to pursue what God wants instead of being tyrannized by what you want."

NG tubes and Guilt

So, on Sunday a woman gave her testimony during church. And I feel quite sad...I feel like my problems are so stupid. This woman has a daughter who is 6 1/2; she was born with a smooth muscle disease. Her nerve cells cannot regenerate. Being around someone with a cold sends her to the ER. The fact that she is alive is a miracle. They gave her an NG tube to feed her, but after a while that didn't work; she was not getting the nutrition and was starving to death. It ended up that she had this really risky surgery. Thousands of people prayed for her, and the surgery ended up being successful. After hearing that, I was thinking, "Wow, God is SO amazing," and my heart was lifted up. But at the same time I felt really...I can't even put a word to the emotion.

The thing is, I had an NG tube. And it was because I refused to feed myself. This little girl had no choice. I became deathly thin because of choices I made, she, because of a medical illness. I feel as I have no excuse for all of this, and it just really pains me to think what her family went through. There was a lot of emotion in the congregation after the woman gave her testimony. I can't even imagine being a parent and not believing that your child is going to make it. Which leads to more guilt, what my family went through, and how they still worry about me.

Anyways, I talked with my doctor about it. She had some really good feedback. She asked me, "Did your having a feeding tube make her problems worse? Would she have not gotten sick if you didn't have an eating disorder?" It made me realize that this little girl's illness does not make mine unimportant or less valid. That is the case with everyone; nobody's problems make another person's any more or less valid.

The moral of the story is that I need to be thanking God for all of His wonders instead of focusing on my problems and beating myself up for my shortcomings. Which, ironically, was the topic of Sunday's sermon.

Kitties =)

see more crazy cat pics


see more crazy cat pics


see more crazy cat pics


see more crazy cat pics

Dancing

So, I suppose it is time for another serious post. I'll probably try and find something funny to put up too. I think that in itself is a defense mechanism. Minimize the hurt with humor. Plus I have a thing where I cannot let a personal post be the top one...I feel the need to protect people in a sense by having a more recent post give the message, "See, everything is great! No need to worry about me or care about my problems; they don't matter."

Eh. Whatever. If you have read my blog before, you know I am crazy anyways ;-)

So, back to the title of the blog. If you have friended me on Facebook, you may have noticed one of my more recent statuses was "Megan has decided that ballet is her crack cocaine." :P Just don't tell IOP, they think bowling is exercise, lol.

Well, I guess a lot of people might be thinking, "Oh, ballet probably was one of the reasons she became anorexic."

Nope. Ballet had little or no cause in my developing an ED.

Do I sometimes do barre exercises just to burn calories? Yes.

Do I feel uncomfortable seeing myself in those huge mirrors? Yes.

But is that why I feel so happy just putting on my pointe shoes? No. When I am dancing (meaning not doing barre exercises/warm-ups), I actually feel good in my body. The same is true for swing dancing. Like I said, I do know that I burn calories doing that and that is something I like, but once again, that is one of the only times where my body feels like it has a purpose, it isn't something to look at and try and change.

And I am sure many of you have discerned that just being in my body has been especially hard lately for me.

So my therapist recommended that I try and do some body work. We just aren't telling my doctor lol. Don't get me wrong, I respect my doctor, and I know she has my best interests at heart, but my therapist really knows me better than anyone else, we have been working together for 2 years.

So anyways, I am going swing dancing with my sweetie tonight. Yay for dance. =)

Tremble

Oh let me not forget to tremble...
Face down on the ground
Do I dare to take the liberty
To stare at You?
Oh let me not...forget to tremble.

-"Tremble" Nichole Nordeman

More HdG police blotters

So once again, I stole these from Benjamin.


9/7/07 [Havre de Grace, MD]: A caller in the 600 block of Water Street told police Sunday a vacant lot across from Price's Seafood was being used for a party where people were exposing themselves.
9/7/07 [Havre de Grace, MD]: A caller in the 900 block of Pulaski Highway told police Sunday a woman was lying on the ground screaming.
9/7/07 [Havre de Grace, MD]: A caller in the 800 block Otsego Street told police Sunday a woman was lying on the ground screaming and exposing her breasts.
--> Okay, so three incidents of the same nature in one day. Either this is a sign of the apocalypse or it confirms that the school year just started up again.

9/7/07 [Aberdeen, MD]: A woman in the 100 block of South Parke Street told police Saturday a man advised her he needed to go to the hospital because the crack he smoked the night before had been poisoned.
--> Dude, did it ever occur to you that maybe it was the crack that made you ill?

9/7/07 [Havre de Grace, MD]: A caller reported Thursday mulch in front of city hall was on fire. The local fire department was notified.
--> You would have to live in Havre de Grace to catch the irony behind this report...read on to see what happened at city hall the following week.

9/14/07 [Havre de Grace, MD]: Police reported the city restrooms on Congress Avenue had been vandalized last Friday; someone took soap dispensers off the walls.
-->Here's the humor behind these two reports: the police station is next door to where this happened and within eyeshot of everything! Perhaps a little oblivious?

9/14/07 [Havre de Grace, MD]: A caller in the cross street of Pennington Avenue and Freedom Avenue told police last Friday a pair of tennis shoes were hanging from utility wires.
--> Is this kinda like calling the fire department to rescue the kitten that got stuck up in a tree?

10/5/07 [Havre de Grace, MD]: A man in the 300 block of St. John Street told police last Friday his neighbor was sending electronic microwaves through his apartment causing him pain.
--> I think he might need some Risperdal or Clozapine...that or he sure has a good imagination

12/21/07 [Havre de Grace, MD]: A caller told police last Friday a couple, ages 16 and 17, was having sex on the property of St. Patrick Church. They were found and told to leave.
--> I expect a couple, ages 16 and 17, was asked to please return to the Catholic church on Saturday, but not to have sex.

12/21/07 [Havre de Grace, MD]: A woman told police around 8 p.m. Wednesday a child had his head on the table at MacGregor's and she wanted the police to tell the child's mother to take him home or he was going to be exhausted at school tomorrow. The woman was suspected of being drunk, according to the police report.