HP#7

I am finally done reading Harry Potter 7! I was one of the people who got the book at midnight, it is something I never do, but it was a lot of fun.

So woooohoo. Lol. It took me so long because of class and work; so I am really glad I finally finished it...it seemed like everyone else already had and couldn't stop talking about how great the ending was.

And yeah it was amazing. Thats all I am going to say, don't want to spoil the ending! But apparently there were people who got the book and it was missing 30 pages. I am really glad I wasn't one of those people!! But they are doing a recall, but that really sucks for them!

I have the WORST luck!

Geez. Monday was not the best day.

I was going to work and I tried to change lanes. Um so I was dumb and didn't see the car right behind me on my right-hand side. So I ended up scraping it on the side. Which I already feel bad enough about, it was totally my fault.

Also I found out that the passenger in the car hit her head on the dashboard pretty hard. After I gave the girl my insurance info and stuff, she decided to take her friend to the hospital and I went to work; I was running late at that point.

But wait. It gets even better.

I get to work (luckily I was only 5 mins late) and guess what? One of the girls had called out...she was in a car accident, she hit her head and was at the hospital. So I bet you can guess what I was thinking...

So anyways when I was at work that day, I am not sure how many times I heard, "She called out, she's in the hospital." So all I could think was, "Aughhh this is all my fault." Needless to say, I was pretty upset.

Today (well technically yesterday) was better. I told my co-workers and they thought it was hilarious; I mean what are the odds?

Greeeeeeeeeeat...

If you didn't pick it from the title, that was sarcasm. I am definitely not in the best mood...

So yeah, my mom said the best thing ever (read: sarcasm again).

I had to get some new khaki pants for my new job at Target. Easy enough right? So when I get home my mom asked me if I had gotten the right size, she wanted to make sure they weren't too tight. I was like yeah of course, I usually buy my pants larger because I want them baggy. She said, well it doesn't seem like it, a lot of your pants are pretty tight.

Thats because I gained 35 freaking pounds!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for pointing that out, because I didn't notice that most of my favorite pants I can't even get on anymore!

Aughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I can't take this crap.

I shouldn't be so upset. She didn't mean anything bad by it. She is the one that cares the most about me. So I mean I am sure that I am overreacting. But geez, that was even worse than all the stupid 'healthy' comments I get.

='(

The Bridge

So, the youth group at my church is called 'The Bridge'. I have been for the past month or so been talking to the youth workers about talking about my eating disorder to them; I am a classic case of how successful one can be without God, and how without Him, I can't live, I can't breathe. I tried, but it just doesn't work and I am left broken, cold and alone.

I really think this is a great opportunity to play a positive role in other people's lives. And this is something I know can impact others, and if I could just help one person; it would be worth it.

I mean the more I think about it...I hate, hate, HATE the ED, it almost killed me, it is something I'm stuck with for life. But the thing is I don't think I would change things if I could. And this has nothing to do with any eating disordered reasons. I think the quote "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," explains it well.

James 1:12 - "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."

I mean I know now that I have such a testimony I can share. I know part of the reason I fell away from God was because I thought I couldn't go near Him because I was so caught up in my self-destructive behaviors so therefore I wasn't a 'good enough' Christian. But that's when I needed Him the most. Ironic, isn't it? I have finally begun to learn that there isn't any sin He doesn't understand; I know that He is my strength and my salvation.

And actually the term 'good' Christian is actually a total oxymoron, not even one of us are good in the eyes of God, we are all stained my sin. The only thing that can make us good and pure in the eyes of the Father is the blood of Christ. And that is some powerful stuff. There isn't anything it can't cover. I mean, how egocentric would it sound for me to say; "Well God, you can forgive everyone else's problems but not me, my sin is worse than anyone else's." Um yeah right, thats a total load of crap. It took me so long to learn that I can't out-sin God. Geez, if I could, I'm sure I would be going to hell with everything I have done.

Anyways I am really excited, I was talking to one of the other youth workers about speaking and she said that they were actually looking for younger women to work with the youth regularly. She had said there are more male than female youth workers and the female ones were not old, but they were moms, so the teens feel like they can't relate as much as they could with someone my age. This is such an awesome opportunity!! I would get to build relationships with them and go on retreats; ahh it would just be so cool. I am just praying that this is God's will, it resonates so closely to my heart. So if anybody actually reads this thing, prayer would be much much appreciated =] (if you do pray).

So yay! :-D

Geez...

I am so predictable. I usually see my T twice a week; but because of July 4th and also she was out on Monday, I had like a week and a half break between appointments. And I didn't see my nutritionist for about 2 weeks. So being the typical anorectic, I thought "Hey, lets see if I can lose weight; I've got time and I won't get in trouble till next Thursday." I didn't do awful, but I didn't do too well either =\. I know part of that was stress related; but I could have made a much better effort to do what I needed to do.

I used my new job as an excuse to restrict, but I already realize that is such a stupid thing to do; if I am not eating properly, I won't be a good employee. I really need to be focused to do my job properly. And I need to get certification as a pharmacy tech. And also my physics class has been harder to follow than usual. Thats saying something, I usually am confused all the time w/this class, but everything went in one ear and out the other, my brain just couldn't focus at all.

Augh this is just frustrating, I just want to lose a FEW pounds; get to this one number. But I think anyone that knows me even a little bit knows that wouldn't happen.

But the thing is when I showed my N my food records and saw the look of disappointment on her face, it made me sad. Especially since she does get really excited when my food records look good or I challenge myself.

So I do have a lot of good things to motivate me. It's just turning things around; which I have already begun to do. One of my favorite analogies to recovery is a road trip. Lots of hills and valleys and if you are like me, lots of getting lost and going in circles. And also if you are going from maryland to california but your car breaks down in ohio, you don't have to go back to maryland. You get your car fixed and you keep going.

My 'car' might have stalled, but that is just a minor setback, as long as I put my 'car' in drive and not reverse, it will all be good. Lol.

New Job

I am now officially a pharmacy technician at Target =) w00t. I have a lot to learn. But I really like the job and my co-workers so far. They are pretty much awesome.

I haven't really had anything hard to do; I have done a lot of putting away all the new drugs we get in (it's tedious!). Apparently that is the 'crap job.' But I am learning all the names of the drugs and where they go really quickly. Which is perfect, I am going to need to know about all the drugs anyway if I go to pharmacy school. And another really cool thing is Target is going to pay for my certification test to be a licensed pharmacy tech.

I am also pretty sure things will not be dull there at all. Besides the fact that today we got so busy, we have some um er ... interesting guests. This one guest apparently thinks her stuffed animal is real, and she talks to it. She has this whole collection and says that her opinion of Target has gone down because we don't have enough stuffed animals. I sure would hate to see her house. She also apologized to one of the team members because her teddy bear was flirting with them. And she also thinks that one of the pharmacists is trying to kill her. If I were her, I would go to another store lol.

Oh, so btw, I passed my physics I class. I got a C. And honestly, I am thrilled. I started physics II last week and have already had an exam. And I think the material might as well be in Swahili, thats how well I understand this material

So I am going to be busy with work and physics and tx and all that jazz. Which is fine by me, I am so poor right now.

Bless the broken road

Bless the Broken Road - Rascal Flatts

I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

[ Chorus: ]
Every long lost dream
Lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart
They were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way
Into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.

I think about the years I spent
Just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost
And give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan
That is coming true.

[ Chorus ]

Now I'm just rolling home
Into your loving arms
This much i know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

A New, Clean Robe

I guess I never realized how cool some of the Old Testament stories were; just how significant they were; how many references there were to Christ. God really shows just who He is and His character throughout the whole Old Testament. I never knew how many stories and passages show exactly who He is and how everything God did was part of this amazing plan and how it all weaves together.

So anyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyways. Back to what I was actually going to post about. Lol. Samuel has a pretty cool story going on there.


Samuel 18:1-4 - "After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself. From that day Saul kept David with him and did not let him return to his father's house. And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt."

Ok, well this story won't have too much significance without some background info/analysis (thanks to Beth Moore =]...I'm not that smart to put all this together all by myself). Johnathan was the royal son of King Saul. He wore royal robes and had the riches of the kingdom at his disposal, and what he wanted, happened. And what he wanted was Daniel to have what he did, so much that he changed places with him.

Daniel, however was just a shepherd boy. He was poor and had very little, he was a servant to King Saul. He wore a simple robe, and it was probably old and ragged and smelled like sheep and sweat. This story doesn't record how David felt; this covenant was based on Johnathan's love, not his.

The covenant that is being referred to was, "I will become what you are and you will become what I am, and our souls will be knit together as one." Pretty cool, huh? This is the same covenant Christ made with us. And like the covenant between Johnathan and David (and also other covenants, like the ones between God and Adam and God and Abraham). It has nothing to do with our love for God, it has everything to do with His love for us.

1 John 4:10 -"Herein this is love, not that we loved God, but that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins."

2 Corinthians 5:21 - "He that hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him."

This story really hits home for me; it gives me so much comfort. It is so cool that Christ gave me His robes, but what I find even cooler is that He put on my robes. The way I interpret this means that He knows better than anyone what it is like to be in my skin. I know it is SO frustrating for me when I feel like nobody understands or even if I could make them understand, I wouldn't know how to explain it. I don't even totally know what it is like to be in my skin myself, lol. I tend to think the opposite, that Jesus didn't go through what I did, He was here so long ago, he didn't have the same things to deal with. But if I look deep down, the same things I feel, I am sure He felt too. Idk, like I said, its just really cool to me. The idea that someone totally understands me.

Nothing without You

Nothing without You - Bebo Norman

Take these hands and lift them up
For I have not the strength to praise You near enough
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You

Take my voice and pour it out
Let it sing the songs of mercy I have found
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You

Chorus:
All my soul needs
Is all Your love to cover me
So all the world will see
That I have nothing without You

Take my body and build it up
May it be broken as an offering of love
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You

All my soul needs
Is all Your love to cover me
So all the world will see
But I love You

With all my heart
With all my soul
With all my mind
And all the strength I can find

All my soul needs
Is all Your love to cover me
So all the world will see
I have nothing

Take my time here on earth
And let it glorify all that You are worth
For I am nothing, I am nothing, I am nothing without You
------------------
Oh and side note; I have a prayer request (for those of you who pray). So I posted awhile ago about talking about my ED to the youth group at my church. Something that is definitely scary for me. The person I talked to has a million things on his plate and hasnt gotten back to me. So I took some more initiative in talking to another member of the youth workers, instead of just avoiding the whole thing.

So I really could use some prayer for discernment, that I do what God would want me to do. This is something I really feel like I am being led to do. I am sure I am not the only one with body image issues And I think that my experience really can show God's glory. I mean when I was at my worst, obviously I wasn't going out of my way to do bible study and stuff; I would have to confront what I was doing to my body and I definitely didn't want to do that, it would ruin everything.

And like the song said, I eventually I realized I was nothing without Him and things have been so much better; I somehow find the strength to fight this d*mn thing. So yay God.