This is a video of Hershey Park's new rollercoaster 'The Fahrenheit'. I went on it twice when I went with the youth group last Thursday. It was awesome!
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
To blog or not to blog? That is the question.
This little rambling is a mix of insomnia and a response to a blog I read a few minutes ago. I always have a hard time figuring out the line between honest and triggering in my posts. The author of the post I read was talking about not being able to go to some blogs because they are too triggering. And of course the first thought that pops into my head is, "Is she talking about me?" Which come to think about it, is a pretty self-centered thought considering all the zillions of blogs she could possibly be refering to.
But it does really make me question my intentions when I am writing about something. I will admit, there have been times where I have been triggered by something and I feel the need to post something relating to weight or behavior to 'prove' the validity of my ED or something to that effect (mostly to myself). For the most part, I am able to catch myself and censor what I want to say so I still can voice how I am feeling without using upsetting language, etc (with a couple glaring exceptions).
All in all, it is a safety mechanism. I feel hurt and/or insecure; I feel flawed, etc. It's really hard to 'fix' all these emotions and thoughts and percieved defects, so I try and fix what seems to be much easier. I try and fix 'fat'.
As I have been typing this, one bible passage has really been popping up in my head. I
1 Corinthians 9:13 - "9Be careful, however, that the exercise of your freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak. 10For if anyone with a weak conscience sees you who have this knowledge eating in an idol's temple, won't he be emboldened to eat what has been sacrificed to idols? 11So this weak brother, for whom Christ died, is destroyed by your knowledge. 12When you sin against your brothers in this way and wound their weak conscience, you sin against Christ. 13Therefore, if what I eat causes my brother to fall into sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause him to fall."
It's an interesting thing for me to think about. I think it is important for me to feel that I can write freely in this blog and I know that by being open I am able to recieve meaningful feedback, but I also must realize that what I write may be a stumbling block for others. Like I said, it is hard to find the line between honest and triggering. I am going to work on praying to find that line so I do not cause others to stumble.
That is all. The End.
But it does really make me question my intentions when I am writing about something. I will admit, there have been times where I have been triggered by something and I feel the need to post something relating to weight or behavior to 'prove' the validity of my ED or something to that effect (mostly to myself). For the most part, I am able to catch myself and censor what I want to say so I still can voice how I am feeling without using upsetting language, etc (with a couple glaring exceptions).
All in all, it is a safety mechanism. I feel hurt and/or insecure; I feel flawed, etc. It's really hard to 'fix' all these emotions and thoughts and percieved defects, so I try and fix what seems to be much easier. I try and fix 'fat'.
As I have been typing this, one bible passage has really been popping up in my head. I
1 Corinthians 9:13 - "9Be careful, however, that the exercise of your freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak. 10For if anyone with a weak conscience sees you who have this knowledge eating in an idol's temple, won't he be emboldened to eat what has been sacrificed to idols? 11So this weak brother, for whom Christ died, is destroyed by your knowledge. 12When you sin against your brothers in this way and wound their weak conscience, you sin against Christ. 13Therefore, if what I eat causes my brother to fall into sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause him to fall."
It's an interesting thing for me to think about. I think it is important for me to feel that I can write freely in this blog and I know that by being open I am able to recieve meaningful feedback, but I also must realize that what I write may be a stumbling block for others. Like I said, it is hard to find the line between honest and triggering. I am going to work on praying to find that line so I do not cause others to stumble.
That is all. The End.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
CVS
Yay! As of Tuesday, I am gainfully employed again! I went for an interview at CVS and I was hired on the spot =)
It has been a real pain finding a job, so I have been feeling very thankful as of late. They were unable to offer me a pharmacy tech job, so I am at the front of the store; but they (hopefully) will transition me once they have an opening. Nevertheless, it is a job and my new manager seems to be really nice.
I had training yesterday evening, and tomorrow is my first day of work.
Things are going to get busy around here. In addition to working, my ballet class starts on Monday and I still have therapy on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I have nutrition on Tuesdays. I'm still helping out with the youth and then my physics class starts on July 7th.
It will be really nice being busy again. I really hate not having anything to do, so at least I won't be bored!
Monday, June 16, 2008
I ♥ kitties =)
I got all these awesome pictures from http://www.icanhascheezburger.com
I sent this one to Neil <3
This is me in the morning lol
My guess is that cat is pissed!
Poor kitty =(
I sent this one to Neil <3
This is me in the morning lol
My guess is that cat is pissed!
Poor kitty =(
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Out of Nowhere
Have you ever had the experience where you have no idea you are upset until tears are running down your face?Yeah. Thats sort of what happened to me today. I hate when these things sneak up on me. I was at Neil's though, so he just held me and told me that everything would be ok and that he loved me, and that made me feel a lot better. It's funny how such a simple thing like that gives me such comfort. I really am lucky =)
I'm pretty sure I know what triggered it though. Basically, I was planning on going to a friend's birthday party, but I didn't there was someone who was supposed to be coming that was involved (indirectly) with my trauma.
And I feel like a really crappy person even getting upset over something like that because she didn't technically do anything wrong. It's not even like I am mad at her. It shouldn't matter to me whether or not she is there. I just wish I didn't feel this way and things could feel normal again.
But every time my mind just goes back and it is happening all over. And I can hear her saying to me again, "Don't be upset, it happens to everyone."
Which means to me that what was taken from me was worthless.
...That I'm flawed.
...Dirty.
...Wrong.
Eh. I know that isn't true, and it isn't my fault. And I am sure I am being too emotional and making almost no sense. So I will shut up and try and get some sleep.
Anyways, I heard this new song by Sara Groves the other day. At first I didn't really like it, but I've decided that it is an awesome song.
It Might Be Hope
You do your work the best that you can
You put one foot in front of the other
Life comes in waves and makes it's demands
You hold on as well as your able
You've been here for a long long time
Hope has a way of turning it's face to you
Just when you least expect it
You walk in a room
You look out a window
And something there leaves you breathless
You say to yourself
It's been a while since I felt this
But it feels like it might be hope
It's hard to recall what blew out the flame
It's been dark since you can remember
You talk it all through to find it a name
As days go on by without number
You've been here for a long long time
Hope has a way of turning it's face to you
Just when you least expect it
You walk in a room
You look out a window
And something there leaves you breathless
You say to yourself
It's been a while since I felt this
But it feels like it might be hope
You do your work the best that you can
You put one foot in front of the other
Life comes in waves and makes it's demands
You hold on as well as your able
You've been here for a long long time
Hope has a way of turning it's face to you
Just when you least expect it
You walk in a room
You look out a window
And something there leaves you breathless
You say to yourself
It's been a while since I felt this
But it feels like it might be hope
It's hard to recall what blew out the flame
It's been dark since you can remember
You talk it all through to find it a name
As days go on by without number
You've been here for a long long time
Hope has a way of turning it's face to you
Just when you least expect it
You walk in a room
You look out a window
And something there leaves you breathless
You say to yourself
It's been a while since I felt this
But it feels like it might be hope
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Red
So, I decided it was time for a change. I dyed my hair red again. I really like it. Only thing is I did it myself, so there are a couple parts that are more blondish than red. It's not that noticeable, and I think paying $6 as opposed to $60 makes up for whatever 'imperfections' there are.
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