Worlds Apart

This is like my all-time FAVORITE song. It's amazing. Period.

"Worlds Apart" - Jars of Clay

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

Strength in weakness

The sermon this morning was how God uses weaknesses to show His strength. It just really really struck me this morning, because I can see that SO much in my life! The example given was a man who as a young child, could not speak his 'r''s and was uncomfortable saying something as simple as his name (Mark). But God used this weakness and turned it to amazing strength, as he is a pastor and public speaks on a regular basis. How awesome is that?

And yeah. I mean, here I am, the girl who never spoke up in class, or anywhere. Or if I did, I had to say what I wanted to say two or three times because nobody could hear me. My family would always comment on how I wouldn't even talk at family functions. I was the reader, the one who never was social or even remotely outgoing. Here was a girl who since the age of 15, had stopped using her voice, and started using her body as a way to express all the hurt she was feeling. Here's a girl who didn't even KNOW what she was feeling most of the time!! And God has turned my greatest weakness into one of my most valued strengths. I mean, it's not like I am always outgoing (far from it, I am always forcing myself into social situations), or always speak my mind or even have the right things to say. But I've been saying them. God has shown me how to use my voice and not be ashamed of it (some of the time, lol).

Wow. Just wow. I'm just astounded now that I really think of it.

2 Corinthians 4:7 - But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.

Roadtrip

Soooo, why on earth would I decide on a whim to go to Philadelphia with a couple of my roommates and some other people at 9:30 PM on a Wednesday night, when I know I have work at 8 am plus a really busy day the next day?

To go get cheesesteaks and run up the stairs of the Art Museum (the ones from Rocky) of course!!! Duhhh. And to go run around in a huge fountain at midnight and avoid getting arrested.

Wellllll not the last one, but that was just cuz I was freezing! If it were warmer, I seriously think I would have...it's kind of funny to me how I'll do things like walking the streets of Philly late at night (or even I guess walking back from my night class alone), or other crazy stuff without giving it much of a second thought, but I can't do something that so many people do with hardly a second thought without me freaking out and being self-destructive.

Maybe I'm just crazy, lol. Whatever. I don't usually do spontaneous things and I really enjoyed myself. A couple of my friends were talking about how they came to college for the main purpose of getting to know people better and having a good time. Um, yeah. That never really crossed my mind. I always thought I was at college to go to class. Which might explain why I can be so boring, haha.

Part of me wishes that I had that mentality, but then part of me kinda likes my dorky-ness; i.e. getting all excited over learning new things and not feeling satisfied with myself unless I'm taking a full load and getting good grades. I suppose it's all about priorities. Like one of Di's is to get arrested for doing something stupid. LOL.

So anyways, I swear, the coolest things happen when I'm with Di. She happened to mention to the guy in front of her in line that she had never been to Philly and she had never had a cheesesteak and he bought her one! And the guy who was taking orders actually used to live in Towson.

Now I'm going to try and not fall asleep at work.


PS...totally unrelated, but check this out, it's a column by Dave Barry I read today. And that article basically correlates with my knowledge of Geography.

Update on life

Ok, yeah. God is AMAZING. I was able to share the gospel with 3 people this past week! It was really encouraging, because it is something that I have a ton of trouble with, because I am worried I'll say something stupid or whatever. I just need to remember when I'm doing that, its not ME talking, its GOD.

Anyways, I met this guy, B, when I was hanging out with friends on Friday night, and this guy asked if I wanted to hang out on Sunday. I wasn't doing anything, and I knew he wasn't a stalker or anything, lol, so I was like, ok, sure. He brought a friend, J. We went to Pizza Hut and then back to my apartment. Nadeau was there and everyone started talking. Then Di came too. And the topic just turned to religion.

Then Tuesday B called and wanted to know if I wanted to hang out again and I thought 'sure why not'? I had a night class, and I kind of had wanted a chance to unwind a little bit before doing more work. So B came and brought his friend G. Anyways, we were all talking and everyone except me was Jewish. And somehow, the conversation turned to religion again.

But I did recognize that Tuesday when I was giving my testimony, the perfect words just came. There were awkward parts where I didn't know exactly what to say, but I actually think thats maybe what God wanted because I think it may have shown them that I'm not perfect and I don't know all the answers, or something. I don't know. The most awesome thing though, is the first time, I was really nervous, but Nadeau and Di were there to help me. And the second time, I was still nervous, but G I was talking to was really receptive, he knew a lot and seemed to really want a relationship with God He has a better heart than some people I know that say they are Christian. And J seems like he wants to come to church with me some day!

So that was really encouraging. I am just praying that B will become interested too. He seems really set in being Jewish, even though he is not practicing. I just want them to know that you can have a relationship with God, and it's not about rules, its about freedom =)

On a side note...my hands are purple and green. One of the things APO (Alpha Phi Omega, nat'l service fraternity) was doing last night was tye-dying pillowcases for breast cancer patients. Of course, I got the dye all over my hands. Oops? Anyways, the cloth is still drying, but if anyone is interested in helping me stitch them up, let me know!

Beauty from Pain

"Beauty from Pain" - Superchic(k)
The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I've died

And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God let me walk through this place

And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

Here and I am at the end of me (at the end of me)
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise there will be a dawn

Most Likely to Have a Nervous Breakdown Before the End of the Semester

So...yeah. Guess who has just been voted "Most Likely to Have a Nervous Breakdown Before the End of the Semester"? Well, ok, it wasn't me, but still, I think you get the point.

I mean, I am doing better health-wise than I have done in...goodness...years, prolly since early high school. That I am thrilled about, but I'm just worried that it is too good to last. Every time thing seem to be going really well, I get nervous, because I know it all comes crashing back down on my head.

Anyways, I'm just not sure how I am going to manage with school and actually have a life. But then again, who want's something as silly as a social life when you can be buried under a ton of textbooks?

I don't know. Maybe I'm pushing it...again. I alway seem to overextend myself. I just don't want to be overloaded. But I am taking 5 classes, 2 with lab (Calculus, Orgo II). So with just those two classes, I have 4 hours of Calculus with lecture and lab, and with Orgo, I have 3 hours of lecture and 4 hours of lab, making my total 7 hours just in that class! So for those two classes, I am using up 11 hours. Well, maybe not. A lot of times Organic lab doesn't take the whole time. Plus 3 more classes, Computers and Creativity (3 hrs/wk), Abnormal Psych (3 hours/wk) and Adolescent Psych (3 hrs/wk).

Sound tough enough? I haven't even started.

I know I am having weekly homework and weekly lab reports for Calculus (not to mention I seriously CANNOT remember a single thing from when I took it last...too many cobwebs). And it's a night class. I hate night classes. The good thing is I am going to have at least of a little head's up, because I already know Mathematica, and I saved all the labs from freshman year. FYI, I didn't fail Calc, I got a C in it, and I am re-taking it only because I found out I need to also take Calc II, and like I said, right now I don't remember the difference between and integer and an integral (lol, j/k). Plus pharmacy school is really competitive, so I wouldn't mind boosting my GPA a little bit.

Then for Organic Chem II, well, I wasn't doing really well when I took Organic Chem I. The only reason I really got a good grade was because Dr. W was an easy grader. And I rock at nomenclature. Lol. And I dropped Dr. R's class last semester because of my 'mandatory break.' So I have a lot to learn. And we also have pre-labs and lab reports and lab discussion questions every week.

Umm, well I guess with the rest of the classes, it should be easier, nothing I am seriously worried about, but I know I have a lot of reading from Abnormal Psych. On a lighter note, I think it is the BEST class ever. Haha. I am actually excited about the 5 page paper we have to write. I swear, if I thought that I would make a good therapist, I would so switch my major. (Btw for those of you who actually care, I added a minor to my Pre-Pharmacy major last year, so thats why I am taking these classes.)

So sounds like I am going to be busy, huh? Still not done. Since I am in an apartment this year, it now takes me a good 15-20 minutes to walk to the science building. As opposed to 5 from the dorms, like 10 to the math. I mean, it's not that long of a walk, but it kind of adds up, walking back and forth to classes. And my classes aren't blocked except one day, so I pretty much want to go back to my apt. after class. THEN, I have 2 appointments a week to go to. I dont have a car. So it takes me 30 minutes to walk there. So thats 2 hours a week I spend just walking. And another 2 hours for the appointments themselves.

And also, I am involved with APO and Cru, so that takes up time (but I actually enjoy this time, but the only thing is it is less time for me to do work)

Got all that? Ok, now add 10 hours of work per week. Ok, ok, so I shouldn't complain, I couldn't have a better job. I am a help desk specialist, so I just answer student's computer problems. Some of the time, I don't have a darn thing to do. So I can study, read, whatever. I just need to discipline myself to do work when I'm not busy there, instead of Facebook or whatever.

Ok, I'm done whining. I'm sure I'm being a crybaby, and most of you have it worse than me. Lol.