Lots of things

...Have happened since I last blogged. Some good, some bad and some downright weird! Anyways I am currently in the partial hospitalization program (PHP) at SP. 7 am to 7 pm every day. Blahhhhhhhh.

I would be inpatient, but my insurance hates me and decided that I don't need inpatient treatment because I'm 75% of my "goal weight" (state law requires a patient to be inpatient until they are 75% of their goal weight). I was trying to convince my doctor that I'm fine and don't need to gain weight because I am eating. But I signed a contract with a whole lot of mumbo-jumbo, but basically says if I ever come back, I have to stay until I am 85% of my goal weight. So I'm trying not to freak out. Especially since when I was admitted last March, I was 64% of my goal weight (which I can admit was way too thin).

The most annoying thing is it wasn't really even my eating that brought me back in, it was that my depression got a whole heck of a lot worse. I mean, I know the eating and the prospect of gaining weight was definitely a huge trigger for me and it is true that there are a lot of foods I don't eat. I guess my definition of eating well is 'not dying'...so as long as I am at least scraping by and can function, then I'm fine. So maybeee I have just a few distortions.

Anyways it has been an interesting couple of weeks to say the least. At least my life isn't dull. I guess thats a good thing, ya know? Hahaha. A lot of things had been building up for the past month or so and I finally cracked. So yeah, very long story, but one minute I'm in therapy and the next I'm at GBMC with my therapist and have been certified to the ER. Haha I have to be dramatic with everything, what would be the point of me doing the rational thing? Well I mean, things happen for a reason I suppose and whatever the result, I know that there are always going to be people who care about me and that God is sovereign through it all.

I know treatment is for the best. It's just really hard to be there. It's really hard not to compare myself to others and think that I am the biggest one there (which is definitely how I feel). And then I get pissed at Dr. C for laughing at me, but I know thats just because I have been a really difficult patient in the past. And hey, maybe some of the stuff I say is ridiculous. He's a good doctor. But you won't hear me saying that to him, lol.

This whole experience I know is giving me a little bit of time to just focus on me, which I have not been doing for the past semester. I kept myself so busy that I didn't have any time to think about me or my issues. I literally had to write down everything on my calendar or my hand or something becuase otherwise I would just forget. My short term memory definitely sucks. It's painful to look at me and my issues, because I always avoid them and run away from them. But I am learning new things about myself...

Ok, so on a different and lighter topic, life on the unit has been pretty good thus far except for all the tummy aches I have lol. I have had a lot of good conversations and its nice to just hang out with people. Though I am still trying to try and forget a really funny, but really really inappropriate conversation I hear yesterday...lol.

Eh well I gotta get going, I have the day off today and am going to be a bridesmaid for a friend's wedding, so I am going to get fitted!!

Promise

"Promise of a Lifetime" - Kutless
I have fallen to my knees
As I sing a lullaby of pain
I'm feeling broken in my melody
As I sing to help the tears go away

Then I remember the pledge you made to me

[CHORUS:]
I know you're always there
To hear my every prayer inside
I'm clinging to the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime

Will you help me fall apart
Pick me up, take me in your arms
Find my way back from the storm
And you show me how to grow
Through the change

I still remember the pledge you made to me

[BRIDGE:]
I am holding on to the hope I have inside
With you I will stay through every day
Putting my understanding aside

And I am comforted