Crazy

Things have been crazy. To say the least.

So, I failed my physics class. D+. I don't get D pluses and I don't fail classes. Found out right before I went on vacation. So it pretty much sucks. But I didn't understand the information at all; so I know it wouldn't have been fair for me to pass. But still. Had to drop Physical Chemistry b/c of that. That was the reason I took the classes over the summer; my advisor wanted me to take it this semester.

But on the bright side, I found an open class to replace it, Chemical Toxicology! Which in my opinion, is a zillion times more interesting than PChem. I'm just so happy there was actually an open class, so I didn't have to go to a bunch of other classes trying to add.

And recently got yelled at at work. Well not really, I guess, but I'm just super good at screwing things up. And overreacting. So I'm still getting really mad at myself when I make any mistake; I'm so scared they are going to wish they never hired me and I'll get fired. Probably not true, but still.

Then I've been getting ready for the PTCB, my certification test. There is so much to memorize and I've been wondering how on earth I am going to learn all this. There are so many drugs I can't even pronounce, so how am I going to remember their brand name and the class it's in and the side effects? Or remember the difference between lorazepam and diazepam and alprazolam and clonazepam and prolly some other -epams I can't think of right now. Which one was Klonopin again? Oy. They have a whole class devoted to learning all this stuff, but I've just got the books. I guess I'll get it eventually.

Also, just got back from OC MD. All in all, it was a good vacation. Except me + bathing suit = one stressed out/self concious Megan. Eh, oh well. Oh and also the fact I don't know how to relax. I am so used to doing a bajillion things a day, I like staying busy. So I was going stir crazy part of the time. But like I said, it was nice spending time with my crazy family.

Finally, the sh*tty end to a really really sh*tty week, as my therapist said. One of my best friend's brother died. He just turned 24. Its such a shock, we were with him the night he died, just a few hours before. So please pray for her and her family, they need it. Seeing all this grief and not being able to do a damn thing about it sucks. And the fact is, it shouldn't have happened at all. So idk, I am kind of pissed off at God right now, it's not fair. But I mean, there is a grander plan, I know; I just can't really get myself to spend quiet time with Him, it's just so confusing.

So yeah, all this pretty makes me thing that everything else that has been going on and bothering me is just so insignificant really.

Totally ruined my day...

Geez, the past week has been pretty crappy; and yesterday was actually good until this girl at work made a comment. I know she didn't mean anything by it; but my ED voice was pretty loud afterwards.

So Saturday is one of the pharmacist's birthdays; and we had a mini party on Monday for her. Which was great, but I was only there for a few minutes though b/c I wasn't working that day. But we've had plenty of leftovers around. It's been going well so far; one of the other girls, Lauren, I totally love...when I am working with her we can take bits of leftovers and I don't feel too bad.

I bet you can see where this is going now...

Well Lauren made a cake (death by chocolate!). Which looked amazing. But the thing is; I don't eat cake. I mean I had it on the unit and I had a small piece at my birthday, and when I am with Megan (my BFF ♥), I can do it fine. But in general that is too much of a fear food for me right now. =\

I really am trying though. I haven't been weighing myself every day; I kind of messed up my record a couple times (a week and a half)...but still, thats good for me. And Dr. H and I are still planning on chucking my scale off a building (it is currently awaiting execution in her closet). =D

Anywaysssss, back to my story. So yesterday it was pretty slow in the afternoon and the girl I was working with that day had gotten a piece of the cake. And I really wanted a piece (hard to admit; I would rather say I don't like cake...or chocolate for that matter). So after debating with myself, I had a small piece. It was chocolate with chocolate chips in it. It was soooooo good, especially since I hadn't had much of any dessert, let along something chocolate in awhile. I was able to tell myself, "Well you work till 9 and you get low blood sugar; you are going to be standing up all night, you need to be able to pay attention, so its not too bad...etc, etc."

Ok, so fast-forward to 7:30 8ish. It got really slow again. She had another piece and I said something to the effect of, "Yeah that was so good, I am thinking I might want to copy you and get a little more." And she had said that I had a really small piece, and blah blah blah and that I shouldn't feel guilty. So I took another small piece...A little later the pharmacist was asking me if I liked the cake and the girl says right away, "Yeah, she had 2 pieces!" And just a little earlier we had been talking about dinner and what we were having when we got home (I don't much like eating at work, I feel kind of rushed and I don't particularly like eating in front of others); so the girl said "Yeah I had my dinner, I picked cake over dinner."

Augh, I mean this shouldn't bother me, right? I mean whatever, people talk about diets and stuff all the time, especially at my work.

Maybe I was just upset partly cuz I forgot to take my meds that day. Anyways that kind of screwed up my night. I had been kind of looking forward to having leftover Indian food last night when I got home. I had a hard time even getting myself to have dinner at all. I ended up having something safe and then just going to bed to avoid the feelings.

I mean like I said, I know she didn't mean anything by it and its not like I am mad or upset with her at all; I'm just upset with me. The whole body image crap has been arghhhhh for me lately.

But on the bright side, I just finished the leftovers for lunch today. And it was very yummy, thankyouverymuch. So take that ED! =p