Update

Ok, well I decided that I should give an update on how things are going lately, just because I got so many replies on my last post. Which btw makes me feel happy.

So I think I have made a decision...I think I am going to 'bite the bullet' and go inpatient over winter break. I really don't want to. But the thought of this always being the way it is scares me almost as much as the idea of gaining weight. Which, according to a friend is good insight. All I can say is I guess it's about time that I finally have some of that. But yeah, I'm tired of running away from my problems and I need to learn that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Right??

Anyways a couple of people have brought up the option of residential treatment. At first I was like heck no I won't do that blah blah blah. And I might not. I probably won't. But I checked out this place called the Carolina House (http://www.carolinaeatingdisorders.com) and my insurance doesnt cover it; but maybe my doctor can convince them to. I dont know.

Residential treatment is similar to inpatient treatment, but it is a longer term stay. If I were to go to SP, I would be there anywhere from 10 days to 3 weeks most likely, not even talking about PHP (day program) or anything. Which would be nice, I'd be in and out pretty fast. I could even maybe still work.

But with that, I am stuck inside a hospital...nothing like the real world, I don't make my meals except for snack once a week and only portion out meals once a week at a 'theraputic lunch' we have. And another thing is I know the stuff we are told in groups, because I've been there before. And since it is so short term, the weight gain is really really rapid and thats really really scary and hard to deal with. And it feels as if we are punished (no shower, phone calls, visitors) if we don't gain the weight we are 'supposed' to and are sometimes even accused of doing something wrong (ie exercising, hiding food, etc). And I guess I understand the premise, but its not like when I get out if I dont gain weight I am not going to let myself shower. And the whole punishment thing kind of reinforces what I am most scared of, that "the number is the most important thing about you".

I know, I know, I should stop criticizing. They are doing the best they can and it is a good program and does work for a lot of people. And I am not saying it wont work for me. I know that no matter what, it comes down to me and doing what I need to do. But if I can do another program where I can really learn what my body needs and test the waters out for a longer period of time, then thats what I want to do.

At this place everyone is in a stable place and wants to get better. So I dont have to worry about patients being there that are refusing to eat and don't have motivation to get better.

So I don't even know whats gonna happen. There aren't any residential centers in MD so therefore nothing within my insurances network. So I dont have any benefits for this. And it would be around 45 days...and would be wayy more than I can afford. But my doctor is (hopefully) going to talk to my insurance company and see if they would consider covering it. So we'll see I guess. And I mean also, I don't really want to go to North Carolina...I want to stay here and spend time with people I love.

So I guess the point of the post, is just pray for me that I make the decision God wants me to make. Cuz right now I just feel like I'm not even sick enough to need treatment because I am so much of a better place than before.

Strong Enough

Stacie Orrico - "Strong Enough"
As I rest against this cold hard wall
Oh will you pass me by
Will you critize me as I sit and cry
I had fought so hard
and thought that all be battles had been won
only to find the war has just begun

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out and start again
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again?

Will my weaknes for an hour
Make me suffer for a lifetime
Is there any way to be made whole again
If I'm healed, Renewed and find forgiveness
Find the strength I've never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God's plan

He took my life into His Hands
And turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance
It's there I finally found

But you were strong enough
But you were pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
But you were brave enough
To take one chance on me
Oh Thank you for me chance to start again

I don't know.

[edit] I reread this and I really don't want to come off as doing worse than I really am. I AM eating 3 meals consistently, and they are balanced and I have not skipped any meals [on purpose...i have slept through breakfast a couple times] since getting out of the hospital. And I'm not trying to sound like some emo kid. Yeah. That's all.

Aughhhhhhh. I hate asking for help. I feel like I am just whining about my own stupid problems and they aren't even that big of a deal, and I should just stop being a crybaby.

Actually I don't want to even post this because to me this screams "You messed up again!!" But I think this time I can say that that statement just isn't true. I hope.

So, by the title of the post...I really don't know what to do. And I don't want to pretend that I do or decide to be stubborn and not try and think outside of the box (...no pun intended...trust me, you'll see the pun in a moment).

My therapist wants me to think about going back inpatient over the break. For once this isn't "You have to go, or we are calling the police on you (that HAS happened...)", it's kind of I'm at a plateau and can't seem to get past it.

I don't know if going back on the unit will help, part of me feels like it won't, I've been there and been through all the groups, I KNOW this stuff. I can psycho-analyze ANYTHING, I can can do thought logs, behavior chains, blah de blah de blah as long as anyone pleases me to. I know more about my disorder than sooo many other people. I could teach the groups on the unit. Ask me a question, any question about CBT or carbohydrates or fats or WHATEVER...I know (most) of it. I have hundreds of worksheets I have done; I've saved them all. Worksheets with the complications of anorexia, ones with different self-soothing techniques, ones asking me to write down things that have happened to me in the past that may have contributed to my ED etc, etc, etc.

And I really don't think my insurance will cover another stay. They are sick of me. And I doubt they will give me coverage unless I am on the brink of death (wonderful wonderful health coverage).

Plus I really need to make money for tuition/books this winter. I am not even going to go into how much my account has been drained; it is a major source of stress for me.

And, I don't want to see Dr. C. I REALLY REALLY CANNOT STAND THAT MAN. But thats a whole other rant...

Ok...yeah. That isn't even the main reason why I feel so ambivalent. Those reasons are just grains or sands next to my real 'reason'. (Read: THE classic anorectic reason)

I. DON'T. WANT. TO. GAIN. WEIGHT.

I don't think I need to, even though I have been told that I do need to gain weight about 3495843895409587438957 times, give or take a few. And this just isn't "well I don't really want to do this"...this is I would rather slit my wrists than do this...I'd rather have a root canal without anesthesia.

But if I go, then I will have to. Like I will be required to gain 1/2 pound a day or I have to drink extra supplements (Ensure Plus), up to four a day. I don't want to even think about how many of those I have had to drink or sit with because I was refusing to drink them.

I feel like I am eating, I am functioning fine, so whats the problem? I can do x, y and z. And q. Blindfolded (well maybe not blindfolded...but still). Then why is every other therapy session with me totally freaking out over and over again over the same things and not making changes? Why do I have to be reminded over and over again things that should be so obvious. Why is it always 1 step forward, two steps back? Why do I keep my routine so OCDish and routined to the T and have to rationalize everything I eat?

My main thought is that I don't really need to go. I am following a pretty good meal plan, I am doing well in school, I'm not isolating myself, I have a social life for once. I have been able to do things I thought I could never do with friends (eat Chinese food...ice cream...a cookie from starbucks [not in the same sitting of course LOL]).

But when I'm not with friends, I have issues. I mean not nearly as bad, but yeah. Can you say symptom substitution? My depression has been off the charts lately...not all the time, but it isn't making things any easier...it's making things so much harder to do. A lot of times, I feel I am just lacking the motivation to face the day. I don't even know why. And then I get into a stressful situation, whether it be arriving late to something or not doing as well on a test or feeling really awkward in a social situation...I don't know how to deal. Or I do, but I don't cope well. I want to injure.

I was discharged from the hospital in the beginning of July. I have not gained a single pound. In fact I think I may have lost one or two. Which I guess isn't that much. But I was pretty much forced to sign a contract before being let back into outpatient treatment saying that I would get to 110 pounds in a certain amount of time. And the stupidest reason why I am so scared of that weight, is I have decided that 110 is a 'normal' weight, because that is the weight you have to be to donate blood. I told my T that, she laughed at me. Stupid black and white thinking.

That never happened. Partly because I had the brilliant idea to do something to make me weigh in up to 10 pounds heavier (not giving tips, sorry lol) every appointment I had, and I didn't get caught until someone said something to someone. So that cat was out of the bag, and I basically freaked and said if they made me go into the hospital I would stop treatment [and i hate to say it, but that would basically be signing my death warrant].

So here I am now. I haven't really gained, haven't really lost. And I know thats on purpose. Every time I gain any weight, I freak and restrict to make it go back down, but don't continue down that path because I know where it leads. But I am eating a LOT. Though my therapist doesn't agree. I know she really wants me to gain weight, and so do other people, but I just can't do it on my own. She said gaining weight will help my mood, but I don't see how it will.

But I can sort of realize that having a very very long debate with myself over whether or not I can have a yogurt that isn't fat free with my dinner isn't what 'normal' people do. Or is that normal?? I don't know anymore, it seems so natural. Goodness. I am so screwed up.

Ok, I really need to learn to condense my thoughts. I guess what I'm really asking is this:

-Do I look 'normal' or close to it? I SERIOUSLY don't know. Do I look as if I am at a normal weight? Or do I stick out like a sore thumb? (I'm not even going to say how much weight I've gained because it just makes me cry)
-Do you think I should do IP again? Or is it a waste. I'm not really that sick or anything, should I just suck it up?

Ok, I really hate being this transparent and vulnerable. This might find itself deleted quicker than you can say 'esophagogastroduodenoscopy'...

A human being...not a human doing

So anyways, sometimes I seriously wonder why my therapist puts up with me lol. I feel like she must think that I'm bipolar at moments. Cuz some sessions I'll come in and be all "la de da de dah, life is great" and then the next session (I must be realllllllly unstable haha, I see her 2x a week [does the humor downplay just how insecure I feel about having to see a therapist?? lol]), just 3 days later, I'm a wreck and pretty much crying the whole time and she has to tell me the same things over and over.

But seriously, lots of times I feel like I'm just wasting her time, it seems as if we are rehashing the same things over and over...and over. Sometimes I just get so frustrated...it's like why can't I just get this right for crying out loud??

But she definitely told me something that I know perfectly well and have said myself plenty of times, but I had an 'aha' moment (dontcha just love those??) this time.

It's NOT about food. Like I said, I know this, but I have gotten so many times from so many people "Why don't you just eat? Food is nourishment. You aren't fat;" leading me to just dwell on the phsyical symptoms. So no wonder why I get annoyed, the concept that food is nourishment and without it, I die is so basic, I know this and understand this JUST FINE.

So the whole point of this tangential blog was she asked me a couple of rhetorical questions yesterday that really made me think and feel at least a little better. The first thing she asked was "Is your anorexia a way of making you feel more whole as a person, or is it a way to escape how empty you feel inside?" And then she asked "Is your eating disorder just like a purse, an accessory? Or is it the glue that holds your life together?"

But it's true. For five years (at least...) when I was dealing with stress or rejection (real or percieved) or criticism or other 'bad' feelings, I ran away in a sense. I didn't work through it. When I was worried about doing badly in school, stressed over a paper that I couldn't get started...I would shift my focus to my weight and food.

Don't worry about that stuff, focus on being thin. Anyone can be smart, but what if I fail anyway? What do I have? What if everyone I love abandons me? Who am I? What do I have? Don't think about that stuff, there isn't a concrete answer to these questions; can't control if you understand a concept and can't control other people's feelings. But weight...it's simple, measurable, controlable. Eat less, weigh less. If the number goes down, you are good, if it goes up, you are bad.

Ok, I'm done with my rant.

Wow...scary

Wow. This is scary. Makes me realize a few things. Thats about how much I weighed. And I was convinced I wasn't 'that sick'...

Brazil Model Who Battled Anorexia Dies

By Associated Press

Thu Nov 16, 10:46 PM

SAO PAULO, Brazil - A 21-year-old anorexic model who weighed only 88 pounds has died of generalized infection, a hospital said. Ana Carolina Reston, who had worked in China, Turkey, Mexico and Japan for several modeling agencies, died Tuesday, according to Sao Paulo's Servidor Publico Hospital.

The hospital said the infection that killed the 5-foot-8-inch model was caused by anorexia nervosa, a disorder characterized by an abnormal fear of becoming obese, an aversion to food and severe weight loss.

"Take care for your children because their loss is irreparable," Reston's mother, Miriam, told the O Globo newspaper. "Nothing can make the pain go away. No money in the world is worth the life of your child."

Reston began her modeling career at the age of 13 after winning a local beauty contest in her hometown of Jundiai, on the outskirts of Sao Paulo.

"I noticed something was wrong when she returned from Japan," Miriam told the Estado de Sao Paulo newspaper. "She was too thin when she returned and when I told her to eat something, she would say: 'Mom please don't fight with me; there is nothing wrong with me, I'm fine.'"

The model's cousin, Dani Grimaldi, told the Estado de Sao Paulo newspaper that Reston also battled bulimia, an eating disorder marked by binge eating that is followed by vomiting or the use of laxatives.

The world of high fashion and modeling has long been targeted by critics who say it encourages women and girls to emulate rail-thin models.

In September, a Spanish fashion show responded to such criticism by banning models with a body mass index of less than 18. Body mass index is a calculation doctors normally apply to study obesity, and anyone with an index below 18.5 is considered underweight.

Reston would have had a body mass index of 13.4 at the time of her death, according to a calculator on the Web site of the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

When I Fall...I know where I'll be landing

Ok, so this isn't my writing (cuz I can't write nearly this well, lol). But a friend of mine wrote this and basically what they wrote was exactly what I have been thinking and feeling but have been unable to really express.

"The Human spirit is something to behold, a mystery that is wrapped up in our glorious design. It will never be fully understood for it is something that is so close to the heart of God. There are however tendencies and observations that I have made on this mysterious gift we have been given, that is what I wish to share now.

The spirit is something that is hard to define but also undeniably present. I hope that you see you don't even have to believe in life after death or heaven and hell to be convinced that each of us has something intangible that makes us who we are. I would argue that we are defined and molded by this intangible essence we all possess, and this essence is discovered more than learned or taught. This is difficult because of our materialistic society where most people don't know who they are apart from the things they have acquired or set themselves to acquire, but that is another issue. This is my best attempt to put some skin on the human spirit.

There are things that I have recently discovered about my spirit which I think others can benefit from as well, especially those of the Christian faith but not limited to them either. My spirit is like a fire, sometimes roaring and sometimes merely ambers and warm coals. In order to keep this fire going it needs fuel. Fuel for my spirit comes in many forms; time with close friends, God's word, prayer, fellowship, good and fun experiences. These are things that keep my fire going. When I am isolated from friends for long periods of time or I lack the motivation to pursue my LORD my fire grows weaker. And when I live in sin that is like throwing water on the fire of my spirit. And as we all know life is full of sufferings that also take fuel from our spirits.

I would like to point out that as a result of my experiences I will argue that this fire can never be put out. I have been through hard times lately and though sometimes it seems that the sun will never rise on this darkness I have not stopped being me. Rather I have learned more about myself, my true self.

Simply put the human spirit is what makes a person them, the intangibleness that makes a person unique. Many will search their whole lives trying to define or find themselves. Tragically many have died without ever knowing who they really are or believing and trying to be someone they are not. The ultimate tragedy is many others will continue to follow this same path. The journey into oneself is the hardest of all because it is one we must ultimately embark upon ourselves. I continue to make this journey without fear because of the One who is guiding me, walking with me and when needed He carries me. No one knows the creation better than the Creator.

The highest knowledge humans can attain to is the knowledge of themselves, there true selves. This is beyond any of our abilities as individuals, so I give praise and honor to God for making it possible for us to know Him. Only then is our true selves, our spirit, revealed. And what a glorious revelation it is. What better than to live out our days with such purpose and self-knowledge. I say again no one knows the creation better than the Creator."

Numbers scare me

This is about how excited I am for math class tonight....I don't know how people like Corrine or my mom or my sister can stand this stuff. BLAH.

Here are a few others lol. All these I found at Fun and Jokes with Morals.



I really should be doing homework instead of this...Lol.

Oh Canada!

I think this might be my new favorite comic strip




...

Well, at least Rumsfield's gone...

Angular Momentum

Ok, I just thought this was so cute. So I had to put it in here. I am such a girl.

Craziness

So much for deciding not to worry too much about this when I take it in January...

"If you’re a college student or graduate thinking of applying for admission to pharmacy school, you’ll need to take the Pharmacy College Admission Test (PCAT). This national, standardized test is designed by Harcourt Assessment and is used by schools to measure prospective students’ aptitudes and abilities to handle the rigors of becoming a doctor of pharmacology. The PCAT is given three times a year in locations all over America. You can check with the school you’re applying to for specific dates and locations, and the information is also online, and you can register for the test online.

The test takes approximately four and half hours to complete, and consists of 280 multiple choice questions. It’s broken down into five subject areas, plus an essay. They are: Verbal Ability-58 questions on analogies and sentence completion. Biology-58 items on general biology, microbiology, anatomy, and physiology. Reading Comprehension-48 questions measuring your ability to comprehend, analyze, and evaluate written material. Quantitative Ability-58 questions on algebra, geometry, probability, statistics, pre-calculus, and calculus. Chemistry-58 items about general and organic chemistry.

The PCAT is scored in a range of 100-300, with the average person scoring around 200. Of course, each school sets its own standards for a minimally acceptable score, and because of the competitive nature of pharmacy school admissions, some require scores in the 80th percentile and higher. You do have the option of voiding your score before you leave the testing facility if you don’t feel like you did very well on the test. Keep in mind, though, that the test is only offered three times a year, and waiting for a retake could seriously delay the start of your pharmacy career. You and your school should receive your score about a month after you take the PCAT. Because of the importance and difficulty of the PCAT, it’s strongly advised to get a good study guide and spend some serious time preparing for the exam."

Anyways, I am taking a practice exam this morning, so that should be buckets of fun. Who could ask for anything more thrilling to do on a Saturday morning...? I can't think of anything I'd rather do.

And the worst part right now for me is everyone who has already taken the PCAT telling me that I'll do just fine; I'll get into pharmacy school...maybe it's cuz they think I actually know anything. Which isn't really true.

It's just a matter of giving this to God I guess...