I'm supposed to be studying for my lab exam tomorrow but I can't because I can't stop crying.It feels like everything is falling apart right now.
I'm supposed to be going inpatient right after the semester ends. I know in my head that I need this. I have tried to get things back on track by myself and it hasn't worked. I feel like such a letdown and a failure.
And I can't get myself to tell my family. I talk to my mom every night, and she always asks how I am doing. It's so much easier to say I am doing fine. Especially when she tells me how proud she is that I am not getting so stressed out and I am doing so well. I guess she doesn't notice how much weight I have lost.
My boyfriend has though. And I really want to do this for him...I really wish it worked that way. I am really lucky that he is so supportive. My biggest fear is him leaving me like other people have because I am too sick or can't get everything together. I know he isn't going to and he understands how hard this is for me, but I still feel like a huge failure for not just doing what I need to do.
My nutritionist really put it bluntly for me last week. I am going to gain weight, either on my own or in the hospital. It sucks knowing this and it should make the decision that much easier. I even convinced myself for a week or so that I could do this and just start eating again.
I just want everything to be normal.
I feel like I'm not 'sick enough' to be in the hospital because my weight is definitely much higher than it has been in the past. I'm not emaciated anymore. But I know that I am not well enough to keep going the way I am going right now.
Ugh this sucks. I am supposed to be starting research with one of my professors right after the semester ends. We are going to be meeting weekly. This is such an amazing opportunity for me, and I know I won't have this opportunity again.
My professor for my trauma class is writing a rebuttal article against some people who are trying to get DID banned from the DSM-V. Which is, frankly, rediculous. So I am going to be helping out with a meta-analysis.
I cannot even begin to express how excited I am to be able to be a part of this. This is directly related to what I want to do with my career (pharmaceutical research to improve treatment for trauma/dissociative disorders). And I know (or at least hope) that my background in chemistry/biology can definitely bring something useful to the table, considering I am just one class away from a BS in Chemistry.
Augh. I just need to believe that God has a plan that is greater than what I can imagine right now and even if I can't find Him right now, he is there and isn't going to leave me.
Well the good thing about this depressing entry is that I am feeling calmer and I think I can get some studying done so I don't fail.
