I hate being home for the holidays. I hate the noise, I hate the food, I hate the stress and the unspoken expectations, and I hate being reminded of the fact that I can't have the mom I really want and need right now.
I hate going home, period. My mom has 10 days off, starting Christmas Eve. She never expressly asks me to come home, but you can just tell with her tone she wants me to come home and stay the whole break. I love her, but I can only take her in small amounts.
Right now, I am just having a hard time with having too much time to think about things; so stuff I have been trying to block out for months are not staying blocked right now. But I can't (or won't) tell my mom if I am struggling in any way, food wise, mood wise, you name it.
I understand that she worries about me and I know she doesn't get it and thats okay, I don't expect her to. I have people who do understand me and give me amazing support. But she wants to be my main support and gets angry and upset when I don't tell her every little thing. And then I do open up say something and she explodes at me.
So I guess I should have told her months ago everything that I had wanted to tell her.
I just want my mom right now. And it really hurts.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Friday, December 21, 2007
Patience
I know they say patience is a virtue...well thats one fruit of the Spirit I don't have lol. I'm just a work in progress. C'est la vie.I needed a job months ago. And now that the semester is over, I really need a job; it's not like I am doing anything productive with my time!! I just feel so frustrated. I applied months ago to the NeighborCare pharmacy in GBMC months ago! And after a whole lot of waiting, I was told they had an opportunity at St. Joe's. I still haven't heard anything back. I've left a couple of messages, but no luck.
I also applied to Sheppard as a Mental Health Worker and I just recently applied to Bayview at Johns Hopkins and at Mercy for a pharmacy tech position and now I am looking other places maybe to be a substitute teacher or secretary or something =\. Maybe I can do registration at an ER or something. I'm just sick of having jobs that have absolutely nothing to do with my career interests.
So yeah, those of you who read this and happen to pray, if you could, just shoot a small one upwards for me.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Grades
IDHP 110 - Using Info. Effectively in the Health Professions: A
most useless class ever lol.
PSYC 350 - Personality: A
great class...I've had too much therapy not to do well in this class haha.
PSYC 314 - Research Methods in Psychology: A-
boring class, but prof made it better with his corny jokes.
CHEM 363 - Chemistry of Dangerous Drugs: A
...because I'm a pill pusher. ;-P
CHEM 480 - Chemical Toxicology: C
...boo.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Friday, December 14, 2007
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Really pisses me off
So maybe I am just being too 'sensitive' or something, but oh well. I am taking a Research Methods in Psych class, and we have to write a research paper. Mine was on Psychoactive Drugs in PTSD. But that isn't the point. We don't actually do the experiment, but we get fake data and we have to analyze it and we present to the class.
So of course someone had to do treatment of Anorexia and Bulimia. And of course that was the one day I was eating something in the middle of class (pretzels). Dammit. And of course, there is this girl who I KNOW has something. But that isn't the point either.
So don't you just love it when people overgeneralize (read: sarcasm)? This girl doing the presentation gets up and explains to us what AN and BN are. She says that people with anorexia weigh (insert RIDICULOUSLY low number here) pounds and eat (insert tiny number) calories. And people with bulimia binge and purge and will eat around (insert huge number here, wayyyy more than what is defined as a 'binge') calories. WTF, mate? If I had been in my eating disorder, I would have gone for a tailspin ("Wait I weigh more than that, and I ate more calories than that today...I must not really be sick"). Well maybe not quite that bad, but it would have triggered me and feel like crap and I probably would have acted on my eating disorder the rest of the day.
It just really annoys me how people get these pre-conceived notions about what a 'real anorectic' and a 'real bulimic' look/act like. And they are the extreme cases, ie the woman who has had AN for 124 years and weighs 12 pounds. You know? This is why I want to break the stigma and talk about eating disorders, what they are about and what people think they are that is just screwed up and not true. I mean, yes there are people who are just like what society sees as anorectic or bulimic, but it's not just a mold, if you aren't like that doesn't mean you are hurting any less or any less sick than someone who looks like they have an eating disorder. I guess just get pissed b/c of crap people have said in the past.
Augh.
Well, on a lighter subject, the same girl was talking about previous studies and was saying something to the effect of, "Jones et al did a study where they used flu...fluox...", and she was looking at me, or at least in my direction, so the pharmacy tech in me had to say, "It's fluoxetine. That's Prozac." She looked at me a couple of other times for what the trade names for meds were and I was just like I dunno, they were tricyclic antidepressants, which I don't know of the top of my head, they aren't prescribed much anymore ;-p
So anyways, I found it humorous, maybe just because for once in my life, I actually knew what I was talking about. Haha.
So of course someone had to do treatment of Anorexia and Bulimia. And of course that was the one day I was eating something in the middle of class (pretzels). Dammit. And of course, there is this girl who I KNOW has something. But that isn't the point either.
So don't you just love it when people overgeneralize (read: sarcasm)? This girl doing the presentation gets up and explains to us what AN and BN are. She says that people with anorexia weigh (insert RIDICULOUSLY low number here) pounds and eat (insert tiny number) calories. And people with bulimia binge and purge and will eat around (insert huge number here, wayyyy more than what is defined as a 'binge') calories. WTF, mate? If I had been in my eating disorder, I would have gone for a tailspin ("Wait I weigh more than that, and I ate more calories than that today...I must not really be sick"). Well maybe not quite that bad, but it would have triggered me and feel like crap and I probably would have acted on my eating disorder the rest of the day.
It just really annoys me how people get these pre-conceived notions about what a 'real anorectic' and a 'real bulimic' look/act like. And they are the extreme cases, ie the woman who has had AN for 124 years and weighs 12 pounds. You know? This is why I want to break the stigma and talk about eating disorders, what they are about and what people think they are that is just screwed up and not true. I mean, yes there are people who are just like what society sees as anorectic or bulimic, but it's not just a mold, if you aren't like that doesn't mean you are hurting any less or any less sick than someone who looks like they have an eating disorder. I guess just get pissed b/c of crap people have said in the past.
Augh.
Well, on a lighter subject, the same girl was talking about previous studies and was saying something to the effect of, "Jones et al did a study where they used flu...fluox...", and she was looking at me, or at least in my direction, so the pharmacy tech in me had to say, "It's fluoxetine. That's Prozac." She looked at me a couple of other times for what the trade names for meds were and I was just like I dunno, they were tricyclic antidepressants, which I don't know of the top of my head, they aren't prescribed much anymore ;-p
So anyways, I found it humorous, maybe just because for once in my life, I actually knew what I was talking about. Haha.
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