Knee update

So, it turns out that I broke some cartilage off my kneecap and it is just floating around getting stuck in places it shouldn't.

So the good news is, my ligaments are fine, the bad news is I have to get surgery to get the cartilage out. Also my kneecap isn't sliding centrally because one muscle is looser than the other, so my orthopedist is going to fix that too.

Fortunately, the surgery is arthroscopic, so the recovery time won't be very long and I will only need PT for a few months.

Anyways, I am also posting a picture of my MRI. The part with the circle around it is one of the pieces of cartilage that broke off.

AgNO3

So today in lab I got some AgNO3 (Silver Nitrate) on myself. Now part of my wrist is stained brown and will stay that way until new skin grows. Lol. At least now I know from A&P that I have 4 or 5 layers of epidermis, and the top layer is dead skin anyways.

This is almost as funny as the time I accidentally dyed my hands purple because I didn't know you were supposed to wear gloves when tye-dying because the dye stains skin! Ooops. =P

And this time I was wearing gloves...I guess it must have gotten under them.

Phillipians 4:7

Its been almost a year since the trauma. My mind wants to forget, but my body won't let me. I haven't been able to sleep lately, and it sucks. I desperately wish all the memories would just disappear.

I am just trying to remember that I have a mighty God who can heal anything and has a peace that surpasses all understanding. (Philippians 4:7 - "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.")

I talked with the youth pastor at my church about a month ago and he was talking to me about not just praying for God's peace, but accepting it. I didn't really realize that I have had God's peace all along, but it's a matter of actually opening my hands and taking it.

Also, we were talking in church on Sunday about how powerful God is (Romans 8:31 - "What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?"). I mean, that is pretty cool; my God is so big that there is nothing in this world that can harm me that really matters.

We also talked about a lot of other really interesting things, like that there is nothing that we can go through that God doesn't understand and I was really challenged to not focus on my problems and suffering and focus on praying to understand God's heart and the suffering He went through. But that's a whole 'nother subject which I am sure I could not articulate even half as well as it was articulated in the sermon.

I don't think there really was a point to this post, I guess I am just trying to put my thoughts into words.

PS: This is pretty random but I have heard this new song on the radio a couple of times and I really wanted to share it...the lyrics are amazing (I don't have all the lyrics, it is such a new song that I wasn't able to find lyrics for it online).

It's called "Give Me Your Eyes" by Brandon Heath: "Give me Your eyes for just one minute, give me Your eyes so I can see everything that I've keep missing, give me Your love for humanity, give me Your heart for the broken hearted, give me Your heart for the forgotten, give me Your eyes so I can see..."

MRI

So, I am a klutz. What else is new? Lol. About 3 weeks ago, I fell and hurt my knee pretty badly. I don't remember if I tripped and fell or if my knee gave out and I fell (my knees have a history of doing this).

Anyways, after a series of doctor's appointments, I found out...well, nothing. Except that I have the knees of a 50 year old haha. And I have something called patellar subluxation, which is basically when you dislocate your kneecap (patella). So my knees grind and make weird noises...I already knew this; my knees have been creaking for years. It is probably due to a mix of the ED and 10 years of ballet.

But on the bright side, when I went to the student health center to get my knee checked out when I first hurt it, I happened to be examined by a doctor who did a physical on me a couple years ago when I was in a much different condition. She remembered me, and commented on how at least I don't have bradycardia anymore. Yeah, I think I'll take a sprained knee and a healthy heart over a good knee and a weak heart.

Anyways the orthopedist said that he thought it might be sprained, but he also wanted me to get an MRI so he could check for a tear in my meniscus and my ACL. I don't think I tore anything, because for the most part I can walk fine now.

I sprained my ACL years ago in high school, so hopefully that's all it is. Ironically, I fell down the stairs that time too. With a vacuum cleaner, LOL. My orthopedist remembered me as vacuum cleaner girl, and to this day, I am still not allowed to carry a vacuum cleaner down the stairs! =P

My MRI is today at 6 pm. Hopefully it goes well.

Mercy Me's Cover Tune Grab Bag

This is a hilarious video! It is Mercy Me doing a cover of DC Talk's 'Jesus is Just Alright'

I love science jokes

This poem was on the wall of my Analytical Chem lab...I found it quite funny.

The Chemistry Student's Prayer

Analyst is my Chemist, I shall not Quant;

He maketh me to precipitate in green ions,
He leadeth me to mop up the de-ionised waters;

He restoreth my equilibrium.
He replenisheth my tote-box;
He maketh me to pay promptly for glassware I break.
He leadeth me into the Chemistry Lab for Science's sake.

Yeah though I walk in the shadow of the titration curve,
I will fear no Acid,
For my Apron is with me.
Thy stirring rod, and thy Chem Staff, they comfort me.

Thou preparest an unknown before me, in the presence of interfering ions;
Thou anointest my head with indicator,
My Buret runneth over.

Surely panic and problems shall follow me all the days of my strife;
And I shall dwell in the Chem Lab forever.

Crossroads

So, I got back from a camp in Cape Henlopen, DE, called Crossroads, on Friday. It was an awesome experience. It was a middle school camp run by a group called Youth for Christ (YFC), and I was there as a leader. It was a new experience for me, and I got a lot out of it. I really feel like I have a passion for seeing students grow deeper in their relationships with God, and that DEFINITELY happened this week!

We were seperated into small groups and each of the small groups had a name based on the theme of candy. My group was called the '7 Musketeers' (we had 7 girls in our group). Other groups were called the 'Gnarly Nerds', 'Snickers Cadberry Eggs', 'Whatchamacallits', 'Last Minute Party Bars with Nuts', 'Chocolate Covered Sand', and 'Niner Laffy Taffy King Size.'

Our group was really quiet and introverted at first, but with time and lots of sugar, the girls really opened up and it got pretty crazy. We had some cool bible studies, intense worship, played some fun games, time at the beach and the boardwalk and a night out being just plain weird in the Dollar Store.

One game in particular that was a lot of fun was called 'The Golden Fleece'. Kind of like capture the flag, it was the kids vs the leaders and it was violent. Haha. The picture is a little bit of what the game was like.

I would be lying though if I said that I wasn't nervous. In fact, I was really scared. On a bunch of different levels. The most obvious (for me) being that I would be gone for a week and have no control over what I was eating. I've been to camps/retreats before as a student...and it rarely, if ever goes well. It typically ended up with others concerned about what I was (or wasn't) eating.

So I knew if things went badly, the equation would end up being:
middle school girls + adult leader who isn't eating = disaster!

Luckily, things went really well (IMHO). I ate a lot of things that I was uncomfortable with and I broke a lot of ED 'rules' and I didn't die or gain 100 pounds. I saw my therapist yesterday, and she was pretty much flabbergasted. I pretty much just told her that I tried to leave the whole situation up to God. And I just did what I knew I needed to do, and when I felt crappy about myself, I talked to other people about it instead of completely freaking out or restricting. Now, if only I could do this on a regular basis lol.

Anyways, it was really awesome getting to meet everyone and get to know them better. It was a great experience talking to some of the kids and listening to what they had to say and praying with them. I really saw God working in a lot of awesome ways. We had this one night of worship when I think God really came and touched everyone in a profound way.

We played a lot of games and we spent a lot of time looking at God's Word. We had small groups where we had our own night out to have fun (and eat ice cream...yum!) and we also had nights to go to the beach and watch the sun set and be quiet and listen to what God had to say to each of us.

I think I could write for hours and still not be able to fully capture everything that went on at Crossroads. So I guess I will suffice it to say that it was a life changing experience and I can't wait for next year!

Physics, Take II

-Edit (08/07/08)-

I finished the class...and I got a B!!! W00t! Never thought I would be so happy for a B, but I worked so hard for it!
---------------------------------

-Original Post (7/31/08)-


I really hate summer classes. Especially ones that are at 7:30 in the morning every day for three hours and pertain to a subject that I a) care nothing about and b) do not understand. The only good thing about this is the fact that the class is only a month long and I have less than a week left now. Thank goodness!

Overall, I am feeling pretty optimistic about the class this time. I was definitely embarrassed to have to take a class over with the same professor, but the fact of the matter is, having the same professor actually may work to my advantage. He definitely remembers me from last summer (lol); but he also can see that this time around I am making a lot more progress and grasping the concepts a lot better.

I somehow even managed a B+ on the last exam. Though, last time I checked, a 71% was not a B. At least he curves; he said that he expected the average to be around a 60 or a 70.

I was still a few points below the average grade for the exam, but honestly, I am just thrilled that I am passing. One of the other girls at my table was complaining about some mistake she had made, but she had gotten a 90% on the exam. It seemed absurd to me at the moment; but then I realized that that is exactly the same way I am when it comes to Chemistry or Psychology classes.

I wish I could say that taking the class over makes things a lot easier for me; but that is definitely not the case. I have been staying a couple hours later on lab days to work on homework and get extra help. And even with that, I have still been perpetually late with turning in my homework. But the professor basically said he didn't care when it was turned in, as long as it was getting done.

Also, it took me 3 1/2 hours to take the last exam...there were 4 problems.

It's good knowing that the fruits of my hard work are paying off.

This kind of sucks.

Things have been really busy. Which I knew they were going to be. But right now, I feel like I haven't been able to get a break at all.

It's left my mood in shambles and my body feeling the effects of too much caffiene and too little sleep in an attempt to get everything done.

I had to make the decision to stop going to my ballet class. It really sucks, but it is also kind of a relief. Ballet is something I have always loved and it was a great stress reliever, but taking the class was actually adding to my stress in a lot of ways. I haven't danced in 6 years. And it's kind of frustrating when I am trying to do something as simple as a single pirouette or an assemblé on canvas and can't even do THAT properly. Not to mention I couldn't even remember simple combinations. And I was the oldest there by far. Which shouldn't bother me, but I guess I felt that since I was the oldest one there, I should be the 'best'. I shouldn't be dancing like a beginner again.

It really does feel like a huge dissapointment right now, but my class was 6 hours a week and it was a good 45 minute drive from where I am staying now. Adding that to 15 hours of physics class a week and 20ish hours of work along with church and trying to do homework and studying really made things unbearable.

And I am sure my treatment team is happy lol. The class wasn't the best thing for me in terms of the ED. I guess I underestimated how difficult it would be to have to look at myself in a leotard in a room full of mirrors. Guess I'm not ready for that yet. And we also had ballet 'boot camp'; which was something that excited me for all the wrong reasons.

So there, thats my mini update for now.

The Fahrenheit

This is a video of Hershey Park's new rollercoaster 'The Fahrenheit'. I went on it twice when I went with the youth group last Thursday. It was awesome!

To blog or not to blog? That is the question.

This little rambling is a mix of insomnia and a response to a blog I read a few minutes ago. I always have a hard time figuring out the line between honest and triggering in my posts. The author of the post I read was talking about not being able to go to some blogs because they are too triggering. And of course the first thought that pops into my head is, "Is she talking about me?" Which come to think about it, is a pretty self-centered thought considering all the zillions of blogs she could possibly be refering to.

But it does really make me question my intentions when I am writing about something. I will admit, there have been times where I have been triggered by something and I feel the need to post something relating to weight or behavior to 'prove' the validity of my ED or something to that effect (mostly to myself). For the most part, I am able to catch myself and censor what I want to say so I still can voice how I am feeling without using upsetting language, etc (with a couple glaring exceptions).

All in all, it is a safety mechanism. I feel hurt and/or insecure; I feel flawed, etc. It's really hard to 'fix' all these emotions and thoughts and percieved defects, so I try and fix what seems to be much easier. I try and fix 'fat'.

As I have been typing this, one bible passage has really been popping up in my head. I

1 Corinthians 9:13 - "9Be careful, however, that the exercise of your freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak. 10For if anyone with a weak conscience sees you who have this knowledge eating in an idol's temple, won't he be emboldened to eat what has been sacrificed to idols? 11So this weak brother, for whom Christ died, is destroyed by your knowledge. 12When you sin against your brothers in this way and wound their weak conscience, you sin against Christ. 13Therefore, if what I eat causes my brother to fall into sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause him to fall."

It's an interesting thing for me to think about. I think it is important for me to feel that I can write freely in this blog and I know that by being open I am able to recieve meaningful feedback, but I also must realize that what I write may be a stumbling block for others. Like I said, it is hard to find the line between honest and triggering. I am going to work on praying to find that line so I do not cause others to stumble.

That is all. The End.

CVS

Yay! As of Tuesday, I am gainfully employed again! I went for an interview at CVS and I was hired on the spot =)

It has been a real pain finding a job, so I have been feeling very thankful as of late. They were unable to offer me a pharmacy tech job, so I am at the front of the store; but they (hopefully) will transition me once they have an opening. Nevertheless, it is a job and my new manager seems to be really nice.

I had training yesterday evening, and tomorrow is my first day of work.

Things are going to get busy around here. In addition to working, my ballet class starts on Monday and I still have therapy on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I have nutrition on Tuesdays. I'm still helping out with the youth and then my physics class starts on July 7th.

It will be really nice being busy again. I really hate not having anything to do, so at least I won't be bored!

I ♥ kitties =)

I got all these awesome pictures from http://www.icanhascheezburger.com

I sent this one to Neil <3


This is me in the morning lol














My guess is that cat is pissed!








Poor kitty =(

Out of Nowhere

Have you ever had the experience where you have no idea you are upset until tears are running down your face?

Yeah. Thats sort of what happened to me today. I hate when these things sneak up on me. I was at Neil's though, so he just held me and told me that everything would be ok and that he loved me, and that made me feel a lot better. It's funny how such a simple thing like that gives me such comfort. I really am lucky =)

I'm pretty sure I know what triggered it though. Basically, I was planning on going to a friend's birthday party, but I didn't there was someone who was supposed to be coming that was involved (indirectly) with my trauma.

And I feel like a really crappy person even getting upset over something like that because she didn't technically do anything wrong. It's not even like I am mad at her. It shouldn't matter to me whether or not she is there. I just wish I didn't feel this way and things could feel normal again.

But every time my mind just goes back and it is happening all over. And I can hear her saying to me again, "Don't be upset, it happens to everyone."

Which means to me that what was taken from me was worthless.
...That I'm flawed.
...Dirty.
...Wrong.

Eh. I know that isn't true, and it isn't my fault. And I am sure I am being too emotional and making almost no sense. So I will shut up and try and get some sleep.

Anyways, I heard this new song by Sara Groves the other day. At first I didn't really like it, but I've decided that it is an awesome song.

It Might Be Hope

You do your work the best that you can
You put one foot in front of the other
Life comes in waves and makes it's demands
You hold on as well as your able

You've been here for a long long time

Hope has a way of turning it's face to you
Just when you least expect it
You walk in a room
You look out a window
And something there leaves you breathless
You say to yourself
It's been a while since I felt this
But it feels like it might be hope

It's hard to recall what blew out the flame
It's been dark since you can remember
You talk it all through to find it a name
As days go on by without number

You've been here for a long long time

Hope has a way of turning it's face to you
Just when you least expect it
You walk in a room
You look out a window
And something there leaves you breathless
You say to yourself
It's been a while since I felt this
But it feels like it might be hope

Red

So, I decided it was time for a change. I dyed my hair red again. I really like it. Only thing is I did it myself, so there are a couple parts that are more blondish than red. It's not that noticeable, and I think paying $6 as opposed to $60 makes up for whatever 'imperfections' there are.

Church Brunch (and food in general...)

So today, guess what we had at church? A polka party! Haha, just kidding, we had a brunch (bet you would have never guessed that one). I had every intention of not going...big surprise, lol. I like my routines. I eat breakfast before church, and I have the same thing every day (almost). So going to church and

1) being expected to eat
2) not knowing what there would be to eat and
3) feeling like certain people who know about my ED would be watching me to see how I am 'really' doing (if you are reading this Elise, I'm not talking about you)

Well, that kinda made me really nervous. But with a little encouragement from Neil, I decided to go. Plus, I thought it might be even more conspicuous if I didn't go.

Anyways, I did well. So that did feel nice.

Soooooo, now to food in general. Heh.

I've already got the "What the hell are you doing?!" from my therapist on Thursday. And I am (not) looking forward to getting chewed out by my nutritionist today for my food records.

Lack of structure = Lots of Megan sleeping = Lots of not eating.

So the new equation should be to add an alarm to the mix and hope for the best.

Perhaps I was sleeping a lot because I moved myself out all by myself. I guess this doesn't sound too unusual, but it really speaks volumes considering I wasn't even able to push my cart two years ago moving out.

Anyways, we've already established that I feel like crap when I don't eat. And it gets me nowhere. So I have done better over the weekend and such. And I'm supposed to start doing back-to-scale. Part of the doing not-so-well definitely had something to do with the 'high' of seeing the number drop.

So, I don't totally suck at life

Yay. I was really upset for the last couple of weeks over a paper I had written. It was based on an article that might as well been written in Greek. This can be told be the title of the paper, 'Synergistic Roles of Antibody and Interferon in Noncytoclytic Clearance of Sindibis Virus from Different Regions of The Central Nervous System'. And interestingly enough, I have seen articles with much longer titles.

So, I did what I do best...procrastinate. Not totally, I spent hours trying to decipher what the article meant, but I did not start the paper until the night before it was due. Oops?

Basically we had to explain the article in a page and a half or less and then devise a new experiment based on what was missing from the article. And since I don't even have a BS, I was definitely not confident that whatever hypothesis I came up with would make any sense or not be totally stupid.

It was due at 5 pm. I turned it in a 4:58. And then I realized around 5:30 that I had not made the margins 1" all around, and in the rubric, that means it would not even be graded and would have to be resubmitted late. But on the bright side, I got to try and add some stuff to my paper and make it more complete. But I still thought I didn't do a good job.

Apparently not. I got a perfect score and the comment, "Very solid paper. Good job!" So that made me feel good. And when I reread it, it did seem like a professional paper (IMHO).

And since I am a dork, I am going to post it.

Burdeinick-Kerr et al. (2007) examined the roles of antibodies and interferons in clearing infection of Sindibis Virus (SINV) from different parts of the central nervous system (CNS). The purpose of this experiment was to look at the roles of specific parts of the adaptive and innate immune system. SINV is an alphavirus from the family Togaviridae that is transmitted by mosquitoes and is related to eastern (EEE) and western equine encephalitis (WEE) viruses. Alphaviruses are single stranded positive sense RNA viruses that are enveloped and present icosahedral symmetry. SINV presents symptoms such as a flu-like fever, polyarthritis and rashes in humans. However, in mice, SINV targets the neurons of the central nervous system (CNS), causes encephalomyelitis and is potentially fatal.

To facilitate this experiment, researchers examined mice that were wild type (WT), mice with severe combined immunodeficiency (SCID), beta interferon (IFN-β) knockout (BKO), IFN-γ knockout (GKO), IFN-γ receptor knockout (GRKO), antibody knockout (μMT), and antibody and IFN-α knockout (?MT/GKO) mice. IFN-β? are essential to the early innate immune response, and without it, mice deficient in these die before they can mount a specific immune response. IFN-β/γ and IFN-γ are all necessary for antibody mediated clearance of the virus.

SCID mice cleared infection of SINV in all parts of the CNS through passive transport of antibodies, but the production of virus increased as the levels of antibody decreased. Thus, they did not clear any virus from any part of the CNS, but presented no signs of neurological disease. WT mice, however, were able to clear infection within eight days.

The lack of IFN-β in BKO mice did not affect the production of IFN-α in the CNS and therefore did not affect SINV clearance or recovery.

Both GKO and GRKO mice cleared the virus from the brain, brain stem and lumbar spinal cord, but this clearance was not maintained. GKO mice had virus in the brain or brain stem and GRKO mice had virus in the lumbar spinal cord.

μMT mice were able to clear infections from the brain stem and spinal cord, but not the brain itself. These mice also experienced reactivation of the infection in all areas of the CNS. However, the levels of virus were lower than SCID and μMT/GKO mice.

μMT/GKO mice were unable to clear SINV from the brain, but the levels of virus were lower than with SCID mice. Initially, μMT/GKO mice were able to clear SINV in the brain stem, but levels of virus rose after 18 to 22 days. Clearance of SINV in the spinal cord was slow, and at day 12, 2/3 of the mice had not cleared the infection.

This experiment provides many practical implications for understanding the respective roles of antibodies and interferons in mounting a successful immune response. IFN-β was important in controlling the replication of SINV in the CNS, but had no role in the clearance of the virus. Antibody production was useful in clearing SINV from the brain, but did not prevent persistent infection. IFN-γ was important in clearing SINV from the brain stem and spinal cord and was implicated in prevention of persistent infection of the host. The role of IFN-γ or γ was most apparent with the μMT mice. Even though it seemed as if WT, GKO and GRKO mice had completely cleared SINV, at around day 12 there was virus replicating in all of the mice. Because there was some reactivation of the virus, it is likely that the viral RNA in the CNS is persistent, even with adequate immune response.

An important question that was not answered is what are the specific functions of IFN-β, as compared to IFN-α? And what is the combined effect of missing both IFN-β and IFN-α? Mice that are missing the receptors for IFN succumb to alphavirus infection before an acquired immune response can be mounted.

To complete this experiment, IFN-α knockout (AKO), IFN-β knockout (BKO), AKO/BKO, WT and SCID mice would be used, with the WT mice being the control. The AKO, BKO, WT, and SCID mice could be bought and the AKO/BKO mice could be bred. Tail snips would be digested from each of the mice and they would be genotyped by using PCRs. SINV would be injected intracerebrally (i.c.) into mice that were 4 weeks old and tissue cultures would be taken from the brain, brain stem and spinal cord. These tissue cultures would be serially diluted and go under plaque formation to find the amount of infectious virus present. An enzyme immunoassay (EIA) would be used to analyze the presence and amounts of immunoglobulin M (IgM), IgG, IgG1, IgG2a, and IgG2b in each region of the CNS (brain, brain stem, and spinal cord). The tissues from each of the EIA would be centrifuged as well and then would be assayed for IFN- α and IFN-β.

Another important question that was not answered was what additional factors relate to clearance; focusing on the differences between clearance of SINV by ?MT/GKO and SCID mice. SCID mice lack any kind of acquired immune response; they have neither B nor T cells. Essentially, they are completely defenseless against viral infection. ?MT/GKO mice also have a number of things that make them vulnerable to virus attack. Not being able to produce antibodies is the result of mature B cells not being produced. The mice are not only lacking mature B cells, but also are deficient in CD4+ and CD8+ T cells. This issue is made more obvious by the fact that these mice cannot secrete cytokines (IFN-γ). This suggests that there is some other role of B cells other than production of antibodies that helps with clearance of virus.

Present research suggests that there are some other antiviral factors that are important in clearance of the virus in addition to antibodies. A previous study by Lysenko (2005) observed that the action of complement and neutrophil-like cells were independent of antibody presence and adaptive immunity in the clearance of S. pneumoniae. Other cytokine factors may be useful in resisting viral infection. In vitro, Tumor necrosis factor alpha TNF-α, interleulkin-1 (IL-1) and interleukin-6 (IL-6) have contributed to helping to fight infection, but their role in vivo is not well known. The present study used TNF-α and IL-6 to test for cytokine production.

An experiment that could be used to test the hypothesis that the previous factors are useful in viral clearance would be to use μMT/GKO mice as a control and then look at the effects of removing each factor and the effect that has on viral clearance and their relation to SCID mice. The experiment would be very similar to the one described above; creating a knockout strain of mouse for TFN-α and IL-6. A complement protein that could be targeted for knockout would be the membrane cofactor protein (CD46).

There would be 5 groups overall, the control group (μMT/GKO), TFN-α knockout (TAKO), IL-6 knockout (ILKO), CD46 knockout (CKO) and SCID mice. Their genomes would be found through PCR. Mice that were 4 months old would be given SINV i.c. and tissue cultures would be taken from the brain stem, the spinal cord and the brain and these cultures would be serially diluted and plaqued to find the amount of virus present. Since these defenses against SINV are antibody-independent, EIA/ELISA would not be a good candidate to assay this experiment. A better technique would be to use ELISPOT to assay for the activity of TNF-α, IL-6 and CD46.

If the hypothesis is correct that these defenses are antibody- independent, the levels of virus will be increased from the control and will be closer to the levels of the SCID mice. This experiment would help to illustrate how truly complex our immune systems are and would demonstrate that having many different defenses against viral attack is essential because if one thing goes wrong, the host will have other backup defenses and can fight off the attack.


Works Cited
Elena S Lysenko, Adam J Ratner, Aaron L Nelson, and Jeffrey N Weiser. The Role of Innate Immune Responses in the Outcome of Interspecies Competition for Colonization of Mucosal Surfaces. PLoS Pathog. 2005 September; 1(1): e1.

Rainforest

Yayyyyyy.

Caffeine

Created by OnePlusYou

...I wonder what this says about my caffeine 'habit'. Lol. And I haven't even had any coffee today.

APO Family

Yay. I now have not one, but TWO littles. And a grand-little =) I am definitely very happy about this. My family had 'died' off; my big left the semester after I got initiated, my first little hasn't been active (I hope she will be next semester though *crosses fingers*). Then her little transferred to another college. So when I was active again this semester, I was family-less.

Buttttt, we have a new brother who transferred from Dickinson, and I adopted her into my family. Then, someone in APO who had a little decided that they had too much on their plate now, so I took his little. Coincidentally, it is one of my amazing friends, and I was actually the one who got her to pledge. So yayyyyy.

We have no family name though. We were thinking something like 'The Fuzzy Ostriches' or something...lol. It needs to be something random.

Procrastination

I'm supposed to be finishing a paper now. It's a two part paper - analyze a journal article and then find what it is missing and create a new experiment. The title of my article is "Synergistic Roles of Antibody and Interferon in Noncytolytic Clearance of Sindibis Virus from Different Regions of the Central Nervous System."

Yech. I had a hard enough time translating that into English, lol. Ok, it wasn't quite that bad...I only had to look up a few terms, but in my opinion, that article is definitely not light reading. We had to get our articles approved, and my prof told me that it was a little on the hard side, but to go for it. I should have told him I would find something else. Lol.

The limit of the paper is 5 pages. I'm the type of person that uses LOTS of details, so its going to be a challenge for me to be concise. I finished analyzing the article and putting it into my own words. But now I have to figure out what is missing from the paper?? I have no idea. Augh.

Well if anyone has an epiphany and thinks of a novel way to look at the differences between SCID mice and μMT/GKO mice and somehow test this...let me know. And while you're at it...just pretend you are me for the rest of the semester.

Kisses

see more crazy cat pics

Precious

Even in the midst of tragedy, there are bits and pieces of joy that can be found trapped in the rubble. Today was my aunt's funeral. Everything has still been so surreal for me. But this event is teaching me to celebrate life at every occasion.

At the reception, my twin cousins had flowers, and William was trying to put his in his Sprite. We told him he shouldn't do that, it needed water and light. And William's response was, "I give it light so it can be strong and healthy, like....like a pony!" And his brother, Preston, was doing the 'butt dance.' It was cute. Overall, a very tiring, and sobering day.

And then, I got back to my apartment and took a nice, long, well needed nap lol.

Anniversary

Neil and I have been going out for a year. I am truly blessed. It doesn't feel like a year at all, it seems so much shorter. We went to the Pisces restaurant in the harbor for dinner. It was a great experience, wonderful atmosphere.

I just don't even know what to post, except that I am thankful to God and I feel so lucky.

I love you, Neil ♥

I love you, Aunt Mary

My aunt Mary passed away yesterday. I am still in shock. I just can't believe that I'm not going to see her here on Earth ever again. I miss her already. I didn't get to say goodbye. ='( She isn't 'technically' my aunt, she is my uncle's aunt, but she was more family to me than a lot of other people I am related to by blood.

So, I just need prayer for my family.

Now and Then (*MAY TRIGGER - Old Pics*)

Sigh. 'Nother bad body image day. I really do need to get rid of old photos so I can quit ruminating on them. I guess it's me trying to hold on to the last bit of what I will no longer have (albeit, I still wasn't happy). My therapist told me that "Comparing leads to despairing." Boy is she right.

I'm just kind of tired of looking 'healthy' and 'normal'. Not to mention the wonderful, "You look so much healthier since you put on all that weight," comment I got from my aunt a couple weeks ago. IOP has been a big source of my focusing in on my weight, but I got discharged on Wednesday (YAY!!!).



I guess I do look 'better'. I still like the old pictures though. At least I am happier now. And I have progressed a lot in treatment. I have so much more to live for...I have a FUTURE. And losing x pounds is just going to make me lose all the wonderful things I have found with recovery. Amazing friendships and relationships, a deeper faith. Not to mention I have a personality now! Lol. I'm not some person just going through the motions. And although the ED sucks, it has made me a stronger person and actually has helped my relationship with my mom (yeah, I know, weird)...family therapy has helped us immensely.

P.S. Please let me know if this post really bothers you...if so, I will delete it ASAP.

P.S.S. - Kay commented with some awesome bible verses, so I wanted to include them, they really are powerful

1 Peter 4:1-2 "Since Jesus went through everything you're going through (he had to start eating again after a 40 day fast), learn to think like him. Think of your sufferings (twinges of painful longings for the 'old' ways) as a weaning from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way. Then you'll be able to live our your days free to pursue what God wants instead of being tyrannized by what you want."

NG tubes and Guilt

So, on Sunday a woman gave her testimony during church. And I feel quite sad...I feel like my problems are so stupid. This woman has a daughter who is 6 1/2; she was born with a smooth muscle disease. Her nerve cells cannot regenerate. Being around someone with a cold sends her to the ER. The fact that she is alive is a miracle. They gave her an NG tube to feed her, but after a while that didn't work; she was not getting the nutrition and was starving to death. It ended up that she had this really risky surgery. Thousands of people prayed for her, and the surgery ended up being successful. After hearing that, I was thinking, "Wow, God is SO amazing," and my heart was lifted up. But at the same time I felt really...I can't even put a word to the emotion.

The thing is, I had an NG tube. And it was because I refused to feed myself. This little girl had no choice. I became deathly thin because of choices I made, she, because of a medical illness. I feel as I have no excuse for all of this, and it just really pains me to think what her family went through. There was a lot of emotion in the congregation after the woman gave her testimony. I can't even imagine being a parent and not believing that your child is going to make it. Which leads to more guilt, what my family went through, and how they still worry about me.

Anyways, I talked with my doctor about it. She had some really good feedback. She asked me, "Did your having a feeding tube make her problems worse? Would she have not gotten sick if you didn't have an eating disorder?" It made me realize that this little girl's illness does not make mine unimportant or less valid. That is the case with everyone; nobody's problems make another person's any more or less valid.

The moral of the story is that I need to be thanking God for all of His wonders instead of focusing on my problems and beating myself up for my shortcomings. Which, ironically, was the topic of Sunday's sermon.

Kitties =)

see more crazy cat pics


see more crazy cat pics


see more crazy cat pics


see more crazy cat pics

Dancing

So, I suppose it is time for another serious post. I'll probably try and find something funny to put up too. I think that in itself is a defense mechanism. Minimize the hurt with humor. Plus I have a thing where I cannot let a personal post be the top one...I feel the need to protect people in a sense by having a more recent post give the message, "See, everything is great! No need to worry about me or care about my problems; they don't matter."

Eh. Whatever. If you have read my blog before, you know I am crazy anyways ;-)

So, back to the title of the blog. If you have friended me on Facebook, you may have noticed one of my more recent statuses was "Megan has decided that ballet is her crack cocaine." :P Just don't tell IOP, they think bowling is exercise, lol.

Well, I guess a lot of people might be thinking, "Oh, ballet probably was one of the reasons she became anorexic."

Nope. Ballet had little or no cause in my developing an ED.

Do I sometimes do barre exercises just to burn calories? Yes.

Do I feel uncomfortable seeing myself in those huge mirrors? Yes.

But is that why I feel so happy just putting on my pointe shoes? No. When I am dancing (meaning not doing barre exercises/warm-ups), I actually feel good in my body. The same is true for swing dancing. Like I said, I do know that I burn calories doing that and that is something I like, but once again, that is one of the only times where my body feels like it has a purpose, it isn't something to look at and try and change.

And I am sure many of you have discerned that just being in my body has been especially hard lately for me.

So my therapist recommended that I try and do some body work. We just aren't telling my doctor lol. Don't get me wrong, I respect my doctor, and I know she has my best interests at heart, but my therapist really knows me better than anyone else, we have been working together for 2 years.

So anyways, I am going swing dancing with my sweetie tonight. Yay for dance. =)

Tremble

Oh let me not forget to tremble...
Face down on the ground
Do I dare to take the liberty
To stare at You?
Oh let me not...forget to tremble.

-"Tremble" Nichole Nordeman

More HdG police blotters

So once again, I stole these from Benjamin.


9/7/07 [Havre de Grace, MD]: A caller in the 600 block of Water Street told police Sunday a vacant lot across from Price's Seafood was being used for a party where people were exposing themselves.
9/7/07 [Havre de Grace, MD]: A caller in the 900 block of Pulaski Highway told police Sunday a woman was lying on the ground screaming.
9/7/07 [Havre de Grace, MD]: A caller in the 800 block Otsego Street told police Sunday a woman was lying on the ground screaming and exposing her breasts.
--> Okay, so three incidents of the same nature in one day. Either this is a sign of the apocalypse or it confirms that the school year just started up again.

9/7/07 [Aberdeen, MD]: A woman in the 100 block of South Parke Street told police Saturday a man advised her he needed to go to the hospital because the crack he smoked the night before had been poisoned.
--> Dude, did it ever occur to you that maybe it was the crack that made you ill?

9/7/07 [Havre de Grace, MD]: A caller reported Thursday mulch in front of city hall was on fire. The local fire department was notified.
--> You would have to live in Havre de Grace to catch the irony behind this report...read on to see what happened at city hall the following week.

9/14/07 [Havre de Grace, MD]: Police reported the city restrooms on Congress Avenue had been vandalized last Friday; someone took soap dispensers off the walls.
-->Here's the humor behind these two reports: the police station is next door to where this happened and within eyeshot of everything! Perhaps a little oblivious?

9/14/07 [Havre de Grace, MD]: A caller in the cross street of Pennington Avenue and Freedom Avenue told police last Friday a pair of tennis shoes were hanging from utility wires.
--> Is this kinda like calling the fire department to rescue the kitten that got stuck up in a tree?

10/5/07 [Havre de Grace, MD]: A man in the 300 block of St. John Street told police last Friday his neighbor was sending electronic microwaves through his apartment causing him pain.
--> I think he might need some Risperdal or Clozapine...that or he sure has a good imagination

12/21/07 [Havre de Grace, MD]: A caller told police last Friday a couple, ages 16 and 17, was having sex on the property of St. Patrick Church. They were found and told to leave.
--> I expect a couple, ages 16 and 17, was asked to please return to the Catholic church on Saturday, but not to have sex.

12/21/07 [Havre de Grace, MD]: A woman told police around 8 p.m. Wednesday a child had his head on the table at MacGregor's and she wanted the police to tell the child's mother to take him home or he was going to be exhausted at school tomorrow. The woman was suspected of being drunk, according to the police report.

True Life: My Professor is a Drug Addict

So, I came into my Psychopharmacology class this semester having heard that my professor has done pretty much everything. They weren't lying. I am not making these up.

"When you take (insert drug here), you may experience extreme euphoria, and be like "WOAH! That was amazing...Or so I hear."

"Do drugs. Just don't do them repeatedly."

Me - "That's kind of like how Percoset takes Oxycontin and adds acetaminophen so if a person take too much, it will ruin their liver."
Professor - "Oh yeah, I love that. I take it for pain...Sparingly. Very sparingly."

Kids, don't try this one at home!

Cesium + Bathtub full of water = great fun! (read: big explosions).

Nerd Sniping

I Love Falling Up

These guys are awesome. I love all of their music. I just got a new CD (X Christian Rock Hits 2008), and this song is on it. I fell in love with it.

"Hotel Aquarium" - Falling Up




Is this another complication I face?
Here is the mistake coming back to catch me
To You I hold

Now I know that I'm alive
All the loneliness is filled by You inside
And as I finally breathe the air
You open up my eyes and now I'm alive

The lesson in breathing, is never using control
Seconds to misplaced; I've never been so unsure
To the heights there is hope
It’s been waiting all along


This song is really good too! It's called "Broken Heart"

A long haul

So I know it has been awhile since I last posted. A mix of not knowing what to write, being busy and being sort of antisocial (I have also been mildly avoiding Facebook and Myspace and not reading other people's blogs). So here is my much belated update.

So, the good news is, I made the Dean's List again. Woohoo. =)

But, after the semester ended, things kind of fell apart. Not having class to distract my mind really led to an increase in PTSD symptoms (nightmares, body memories, etc). Not fun. All the thoughts and images fill me up so much that there is no more room for anything else. At least, that is what it feels like to me. So I didn't feel like that I could handle having any food in my system. That's still how it still feels sometimes. =(

Sooooo, since not eating + school doesn't have a very good solution, I took a brief 1.5 week hiatus at the luxurious lounge and spa at the lovely SP. Lol. Where the hot food is cold, the cold food is melted and 'toast' means stale, soggy, white bread.

It was kind of awkward for me there. I felt out of place, but that was a good thing, I suppose. Unless you are being told by patients that you look great and you don't look like you have an ED. No, but seriously, I had several staff members comment on how I was in such a different place, how my affect was just brighter in general. They all seemed really happy to see how much progress I have made within the past year or so. Even though it sucked being there and it was definitely hard/triggering, I think it was what I needed. The ED groups were dumb (in comparison to the IOP groups, which I love), but I did get some useful information from the trauma groups and from talking to the doctor and individual therapist I had there.

And I told my mom about the assault. It was really scary, but she took it really well. If that was the only thing I got out of the program, it was worth it. I love my mom so much, but having a mediator was what I needed for that situation.

But I am back. Yay. I know this is only the beginning, but I know that God will lead me through all of this.

Oh. And I am pissed at my computer. I don't know what the heck is up with it, but Windows XP doesn't want to start...I think it's a system registry problem. So all that shows up when I get on my computer is my desktop background. And I have no idea how to fix it lol. Basically, Windows won't load when I log on. So I am stuck using Windows Manager to open up and run what I need. What a pain.

Happy Valentine's Day

♥ I love you baby =) ♥

A New Hope

And no, I'm not talking about Star Wars lol.

The sermon this morning was "A Hope for Change," so some of these ideas aren't mine, they are Pastor Alan's =)

Romans 5:1-5 - "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

Hope does not disappoint us. Thats a pretty powerful statement. Hope is produced from these trials, it is not depleted from them. Pastor Alan compared this to football, the player is attacked from all sides, but he gets up and becomes stronger. The example he gave was a player who rushed about 9 1/2 miles and was knocked down an average of every 13 yards. That's a long way, lol.

A few days ago, I was having a conversation about how God has protected me from harm. We were both a little frustrated because the passage that was referenced was Psalm 121.

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?

2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;

4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;

8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

Sometimes that is kind of hard to hear for me. If He said that He does not slumber, how could He watch him do that to me? How could He watch things like that and much worse things happen to anybody? I know we live in a fallen world, but still...Anyways the answer we came to was maybe He protected me from something worse happening.

So hearing the sermon this morning was just what I needed, it definitely reassured me. He didn't answer my question in the way I was hoping Him to, but He did give me peace this morning.