Exam

So its almost 2 am. I have my physics final in 5 1/2 hours. I need to do well to pass. I have been staring at this material and trying to work out practice problems all night. I have yet to get a correct answer for anything.

Physics is not my forte to say the least. Give me some OChem though and everything is so obvious and makes perfect sense. ;-p

This is frustrating. I am not a 'C' person. But thats what I am hoping for. Stupid me for taking an accelerated physics class over the summer. And if (biggg if) I pass, I am supposed to take physics II during the next 5 weeks. This summer is going to be a real ball of fun. Blah.

In good news however, I got the job I applied for - at Target as a pharmacy tech (my major is pre-pharm). So I am excited. Like really excited. =D

I was so scared that when they called my past employers they would totally hate me and say 'don't hire her. she isnt reliable' bc I was in the hospital so much. But luckily I dont think thats the case. I did see my one boss who I was most concerned would think badly and he was really happy to see me in a (relatively) good place, certainly much better than last time I worked there.

It was SUCH a relief; I really respect him and value his opinion. His secretary is a b*tch though and said some hurtful things, which is why I was worried he thought the same things. She's prolly one of the biggest reasons I quit. But I never have to see her again (hopefully).

Ok, I really have to get back to studying. I think I also need to find a caffiene drip, lol. I dont think I am sleeping tonight.

I think I need a life

So, my physics class this summer has definitely given me a few laughs. Along with more than a few headaches.

I might be the only one to find these things funny, but we have already established that I am a nerd. Our lab manual has been written by the dept of physics at TU. And some of the stuff they wrote is...well...interesting. I think they tried too hard...lol

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"...This is of course a testimonial to the seemingly applicability of Newton's third law to the interactions between ordinary masses..."

Sarah: I've never heard testimonial used in that context before...

Laura: Yeah...'So, when were you saved by gravity? When did momentum touch your life?'

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"Activity 27.1 - Wapping the Moon with a Super Ball"

Sarah: What the heck? '...So what did you do at school today?' 'I wapped the moon with a super ball!'

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"You are on a white hore, riding off at sunset, with your beau on a chestnut mare riding at your side. Your horse has a speed of 4.0 m/s and your beau's horse has a speed of 3.5 m/s, yet he/she constantly remains at your side. Where are your horses?"

Laura: That question is a little...special

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Gently, Lord

So I am doing a ten-week study with a woman in my church, it's one by Beth Moore, called "A Woman's Heart." It also has a video set to go along with it. After I leave each week, my head is definitely spinning with just all the things she points out in verses I have read so many times. [side note: these videos are from the 90's so an added perk is laughing at how out of date the wardrobe is]

Anywho, the point in saying all this is I went to E's house last night and during the video, Beth read a poem she wrote, called 'Gently, Lord'. It gives me the chills. The good kind though =)

Gently, Lord
Love me gently, Lord
I'm hurting now.
I've lived to see Your sovereignty
You've taught my knees to bow
I've caught glimpses of Your glory
I've seen Your righteous ways
But right now I need You, Father,
Just to face another day.

You have promised not to always be
Exactly what I please
But You give me sweet assurance
You're exactly what I need.
I need a gentle Father
And the lullaby He sings,
"Let Me tuck you safely
Underneath My healing wings."

Love me gently, Lord,
I'm hurting now.
You said, "Take Your cross and follow Me."
I beg, please show me how
To celebrate my weakness
That in You I might be strong.
When desperation grips my soul
A moment seems too long.

Oh, God, what noble plans I had
To do this whole thing right
Now I fall before You wounded
And I've lost the will to fight.
There are soldiers all around me
They're depending on me, too.
I fear I've nothing left to give
So, again I ask, Can You?

I'll love you gently, He says,
I know you're hurting now.
You've oft revered my sovereignty
Your knees have dropped to bow.
If you could only see things
From My throne's clear point of view
You'd see glimpses of My glory
Are fast at work in you.

I'll love you gently.
Let Me soothe your hurting now.
I've said, Pick up and follow -
I'll do more than show you how.
I'll turn this Throne of brilliance
Into a rocking chair.
Crawl aboard, My precious child,
And I will rock you there.

*note: this is not where I am right now; but I have been there before (as I am sure everyone else has at one point or another), and reading those words just really give me comfort and are something I want to remember when I feel like this again.

Comatose

I think I might be officially obsessed with this new band, called Skillet. They are in a word, amazing! They have this heavy metal/hard rock sound. So you guessed it!! Another set of lyrics =)


"Comatose" - Skillet
I hate feeling like this
I'm so tired of trying to fight this
I'm asleep and all I dream of
Is waking to You
Tell me that You will listen
You're touch is what i'm missing
And the more I hide I realize I'm slowly losing You
Comatose
I'll never wake up without and overdose of You
I don't wanna live, I dont wanna breathe
'Les I feel you next to me
You take the pain I feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna dream
'Cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way You make me feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
I hate living without You
Dead wrong to ever doubt You
But my demons lay in waiting
Tempting me away
Oh how I adore You
Oh how I thirst for You
Oh how I need You
Comatose
I'll never wake up without and overdose of You
I don't wanna live, I dont wanna breathe
'Les I feel You next to me
You take the pain I feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna dream
'Cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way you make me feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
Breathing life
Waking up
My eyes open up
Comatose
I'll never wake up without and overdose of You
I don't wanna live, I dont wanna breathe
'Les I feel You next to me
You take the pain I feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna dream
'Cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way You make me feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
Oh how I adore You
Waking up to You never felt so real
Oh how I thirst for You
Waking up to You never felt so real
Oh how I adore You
The way You make me feel
Waking up to You never felt so real

This makes me sad.

So I did not write this, I found it on : http://community.livejournal.com/ed_ucate/172424.html

Oh and I also took out the numbers, but even with that, it may be triggering. Just a warning.

But like my title says, it really does make me sad to read this, becuase this WAS me (minus the drugs and the fiance). The writer of this piece committed sucide. An anorectic is 56 times more likely to commit suicide than the average person.

"Hi my name is Susy StickFigure, and I'm a real anoretic. Forget Kate Moss, honey. She's chic and we're corpses. It's not about beauty here. It's a one-way ticket into an early grave, and they ain't got NO euphamism for that. Forget how thin feels, maybe you can cheer yourself up and tell yourself, "Nothing tastes as good as a small casket feels." and smile in the mirror.

So my name really isn't Susy, but I am writing about my expierence. If I were to buy into the Mary-Kate and Ashley brand fantasy (now availible at select Wal-Marts in puce, violet, and cowardly suicide shades), I should be swarming in boys, gifts, and happiness. I should have people throwing themselves at my feet. I should be happy. Well, that's the punchline to this sick joke. The real knee-slapper.

I am, at the point of this writing, [her height]. I have weighed myself today, which is rare for me anymore. I am X pounds, which would be a Y BMI. It wouldn't be this high, but my fiance Julie cried for hours when I was maintaining Z pounds, and it broke my heart. I made it up to X pounds, but couldn't keep it. She realizes that this is not a choice, or a lifestyle.

So here it is, bare and raw. Throw out those heroin chic fantasies. Here's the real deal.

These are the glamourous things I've accomplished for my appearance and body since the onset of my disorder.

- Frequent hair loss, and brittle hair. To keep it remotely soft and human, I use more and more conditioner, with less effect.
- dry skin, prone to allergic reactions, rashes, cracking and flaking. I am constantly slathering on lotion.
- my heart is like a stoner at Mickey D's. It'll probably quit without warning, and slack off while at work.
- bruising, both from ænimia and from no fat between my bones and skin. I have them inside and out. I look rather like a tie-dyed masochist.
- colds, flu, pneumonia, strep throat. Longer, harder and faster than normal people.
- I'm constantly a strange mottled purple when it's even remotely cold. My thermostat stays at 78 degrees.
- Let's not forget I'm turning into the Wolfman, as my body is growing lanugo
- my joints sound like an old woman, my eyesight is going to shit, and I have circulation problems so frequently my feet have been diagnosed narcoleptic.
- my teeth are becoming a problem, due to the lack of calcium.
- I haven't had a period in so long, the doctor's diagnosed me with a run-on novel.
- my stomach is a pit of ulcers waiting to happen, from both starvation and over-use of diet pills and drugs.
- I have used such drugs as: ephedra, phenphen, cocaine, meth, and crack to help "cheat" and lose weight or become smaller. (although it should be noted that I've been a heroin user for a good ammount of time, so the illegal drugs weren't a big jump, and were always present in my enviroment. But I doubt I would've tried them without the incentive of their so-called perks)
- Related to the drug use, I have scarring on my arms that will forever be there. I also have collapsed veins.
- to spare the weak of stomach, let's just say Beethoven and I require the same ammount of time and pressure to create a movement.
- at any given moment, I can tell you the ammount of calories in bacon, tomatoes, grass. However, I cannot remember the last name of my third grade best friend.
- I can't sit, lie, or walk for long without my bones jarring and poking and bruising.

I'm sure there's plenty more ill-effects, but I'm getting used to all the quirks of my new body and have probably not noticed. That's how sad it gets sometimes. I hugged a friend, and they were shocked as my heart didn't beat quite nearly enough. I was like, "Yeah." without much concern. Instead of glowing with pride like they suggest, you just learn to accept you're dying. You're literally rotting without the decency to lie down.

Well, I'm still waiting for Cosmopolitan to come banging on my door. I'm sure that since I've accomplished "aNa" I should be all set, right? I should go beam in the mirror at this new wonderful girl that can't walk for more than eight feet, gets dizzy when she stands, and can't function without a load of caffiene.

And, for any silly girls reading with envy, these are only the PHYSICAL effects! Wait till you see the grand prize...... THE EMOTIONAL AND SOCIAL BENEFITS OF BEING A NUTTER!

- My family either ignores my disorder, or tries to support me emotionally while watching me fall apart. This is not endearing, cute, or glamourous. It is tearing them apart.
- My fiance is nearly sick of dealing with me and my problems.
- My finacial situation after drug addiction, hospitals and specialists is almost non-existant.
- Embarassed to go grocery shopping or out to eat with me, my friends are very awkward about my habits.
- People look at me and wonder if I'm a crack head, or a survior of Auchswitz. They get nervous, or think I'm terminally ill.
- When I put my weight down on things, people freak.
- I cannot shop in normal stores without salespeople getting nervous.
- I cannot find many jeans that are both tall enough, and size 1-00
- I can't order food from a cafe, resteraunt or vending maching in under 15 minutes. This makes it tedious to normal people.
- I'm so sick of hearing, "Just EAT something!" I could puke. Or not, since that would be a whole new thing to deal with.
- Wearing anything in public that doesn't have long sleeves, four layers, and sufficiant bulk leads to at least three offers of food.
- Most average people cannot accept that I don't think I'm fat. It's not about fat.
- Most sane people cannot understand that I know I'm sick and I don't just "stop".
- Most sane people cannot understand why the hell I'm this way in the first place.

So there you have it kiddies. There's your THINNER WINNER, a slow slow suicide via starvation and driving yourself, your family, and those who care about you mad. Mess up the REST of your life to fit in a prom dress. Damage the very organs that sustain you to fit in a club. But godforbid, don't listen to reason. Because we all know anorexia is sexy! In fact, I'm sure there's some of us who would love to give a testimonial! But I can't, I feel too tired. And some of you can't pull yourself away from laxatives the toilet long enough. Even more can't get past the feeding tube or IV. Then there's a few we'd need an ouija board to get their side.

Yeah. We're all one big sexy, popular party. Constantly having fun. Except for our club, a VIP pass looks strangely like a death sentence, and membership is more demanding by the day. You still want in?"

Satan is a liarpants!!

You know what? I really did not realize how sick I really was...

This is just a retrospective post mostly. I have been doing a lot of...soul searching...i guess for lack of a better word. I have really been digging deep in my therapy sessions and I am also doing a discipleship with someone at my church and I have just been learning a lot about my ED. Talking to other people (mostly my family) about what it was like on their end...well it has really let me see how totally unaware I was.

So yeah...I thought I had it under control. Yeah. Definitely not. I thought (and still think a lot of times) I wasn't really "all that sick." Ummm, apparently I was. So I am feeling a lot of guilt right now. I look back and see what I have lost - and I regret. Because I don't want to be that person. I liked the way she looked, but there was nothing inside. She was empty, alone and hollow.

It really makes me so sad to see how much I have and how much I am tearing their insides apart. I love my family and friends more than anything else in the world and it kills me to know I did this to them.

To have my mom just randomly come up and talk about how proud she is of me. Just for something like eating grilled cheese for lunch. Even though I refuse to use butter on it; I just spray PAM on the bread to keep it from sticking.

I have seen my mom cry once in my life. It was over her thinking I was going to die. And seeing my 17 year old sister cry (she is the strong one, not me), it still tears me up inside. To make a long story short, she is my reason for living when I can't find one.

However, it is evidence though that I need to continue with my recovery. Satan is a liarpants, and he has been telling me that 'if only I just lose 10 pounds, then I will be ok, I will be content'. Or when he tells me that it wasnt really that bad, in fact those were the "good 'ole days". The pathetic thing is that a lot of times I really do think that! That once I can control my eating again, everything else in my life will fall into place. When the truth is that is the EXACT opposite. When I have my eating 'under control', i.e. I'm not eating, thats when my life falls to pieces.